Questions like - where do you live, Do you know where your mother is, I would like to go to my home do you know where it is..all are part of Mac's thinking process as well of course mine..answers are not easy..I try to take it stride, but it's really sad. All those questions were asked this evening. I decided to change the scene so we went down for a walk around the main floor. While there one of the residents was trying to go out, she wears a bracelet that causes ringing if she gets near the door, which automatically locks the door..a regular person was trying to get in. Of course it only took seconds for the person on the front desk to press a special button to then open the door. Margaret, the person with the big A, who was trying to get out then asked, I'm trying to go home, but I've no idea how to get there.
All this to say it is rather lonely, there are many people here who do not have the big A, and many as well, who are in various stages..and although I go out with friends, in fact I guess I get out at least for an hour or two every day - it is just impossible for me to explain that even when I do go out, or meet friends (which is often)I feel alone. This is apparently very common, as it comes up in our conversation at the Alzheimer's Support group. One lady when asked just what she thought would help, answered, "I want my husband back" and that of course is the problem, we want the impossible, and yet our husbands and wives are at home with us and yet they are not really.
When I was getting Mac ready for bed, Walter's son was there - Walter is the man who shares the room with Mac. He - the son - was saying his dad seems to be less and less on target. adding not like your husband. Well this is the way so many people think that Mac is so with it and are really surprised when he can't answer simple questions, like... did you enjoy your supper. He can't remember if he had supper unless he is having supper when the person asks.
Brigitte the woman I like to have Mac sit with(when I leave) also gives an impression that she understands completely, the preposee, said she seems really confused today. Well she is confused every day, but sometimes she says the right thing at the right time. Her son was visiting tonight and
that he says is one of the things that gives him some hope but then as he continues to converse with her he realizes she is "with it" now and again and it doesn't last for more than 2 minutes.
I know I can't change things, I can't get my husband back, I love the husband I have right now, but the lonely feeling is always there and that can't change, I wish the feeling would go away, but it never does...I think of the words to that old song
"I'm a little on the lonely, a little on the lonely side..I keep thinking of you only and wishing you were by my side, you know my dear when your not here theres no one to romance with..and so it goes in one part to say every letter that you wrote me I read a hundred times or more..and that's me, I keep reading old journals to read what he said, what he did, and read a couple of his old letters..but I know I should be happy that I've had so many years and appreciate that. So many people are lonely and never did have a partner, or someone to love so I'll just have to shape up and enjoy the fact that I do have him, he may not be the same but he is still with me. So I'll end this kind of sad tale and go to bed so I'll be up early and happy to see him in the morning. g'nite
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