Well yes I reply - and had replied about six times today. It's your birthday, and so it was. A good birthday in many ways, i.e. up and happy this morning after his breakfast, Mac, keen to come up to our apartment for his morning coffee..and the day progressing that way, until...well..
Usually when I leave him with Debbie, all is well, and I don't worry, but when I returned home, it was to hear Mac, telling Deb. "Look you tell me, do this, do that, do this, do that." When they heard me come in, she came to me saying, he has been going on like this for so long. He wants me out of here" Apparently, he had also been saying she should "take off" etc. It was so obvious that she was really so sad about his behavior. I certainly can understand as his mood is often changeable, and he can be very observant, cranky and insulting..I guess, this is a first that he has been so clear and verbal in his feelings, and for such a period of time.
With this in mind I told her to try to ignore, do not go along with this by answering, just do some other things around the house, give him time to cool off. I never know what can set him off, it could be that he wanted to go to the bathroom and didn't want her help, who knows? So I just went ahead with my little plan which was to share three little cakes with him and Deb for his birthday. He went along with this grudgingly, and Deb and I made conversation about his birthday, and about things that didn't pertain to him personally so that he could just get in a better frame of mind.
Just as she was getting ready to go, Glenna visited us to celebrate as well, and all continued in a good way, and so when she was leaving, I said to Mac - "don't forget to give Debbie a hug", She looked alarmed and almost wanted to duck out on it, but much to her surprise he got up and hugged her. As I pointed out, it is o.k. this kind of behavior, is par for the course, he gets into a snit, and then out of it..but one has to go along for the ride. She said, but you don't understand, it gets me right here as she pointed to her heart."
Well for sure I do, he has been insulting to me and I try to keep my cool as this is how I kind of deal with it.... I, always have to say to myself, what must it be like, it must be a real drag, to have to have someone tell one what to do, where to go. when to stand up, how to hold a cup, how to use a spoon..how to sit down, where to put your hand when you are trying to sit down. Where to stand when you are going for breakfast, dinner or supper. How to stand as you have your clothes taken off you ,or using the toilet, how to have someone wash the private part of your body, how to have someone say - every night - okay put your head on the pillow (where the hell is the pillow)..oh am I falling off the bed, no this guy is lifting my legs up" and last but not least, 'where is my mother, how come no one brings her to me , or brings me to her" So keeping this sad tale in mind, of how it is when one has had Alzheimer's for several years, how good it must feel to be able to say, "take off, bug out, I don't need you, bull shit, etc.
Of course, at times, I do get discouraged, sad, and at times just plain mad, saying "look I'm only trying to help, give me a break, just stop that - whatever that is"...but when I put myself in his place, I can only say, he is a gem, as most the time he is in a good mood, or quiet, wants to do the best he can.
Nothing makes me happier then to hear him say "this is such a nice place," this on the second floor where he sleeps. or "isn't that a lovely lamp"- this is the light that shines from the small lamp that Maureen gave us- it gives a warm yellow glow on his night table- where he sits on one side in his basket chair and I sit on the other. Where just before he gets ready for bed, he enjoys a glass of juice and a couple of cookies.. that, he can handle by himself.. and in the morning when I bring him up to our 6th floor apartment, he will say "what a nice clean place, and then the crowning touch; when he enters the apartment and sees the sun streaming through the huge windows, touches the furniture .."oh this is a beautiful home, this is so beautiful". Such appreciation. I love it, and this happens just about every day, as every time it is almost all new to him..or it's as if it just happened lately and he is confirming it all in his mind.
Someone said to me today - "you should write a book", I don't recall what it was in reference to - perhaps what it is like to live in this place - or live with Mac - or I really don't know, but for sure I am writing a blog, and sometimes I go on and on, and really it's time to stop, so g'nite.
No comments:
Post a Comment