Usually don't put anything on the blog Saturdays ...but today was rather a different one...in that, although Mac is not on target, he usually is easy, and pleasant, realizes he knows me most of the time, and though he always wants to know when we married and why we were apart, (his memory) he is usually quite amiable while making these comments. Today, he was absolutely exhausted, would not move off his chair, did not want to do anything but sleep ...and when i tried to get him to walk a bit around the house for exercise, he was not the least bit interested. So fnally by 1:00 got him to have a bite to eat, and I could see that he did not really know where and what was going on. For one thing, we had my grandson Brandon and his dad putting another grab bar for him to use near the stairs...which by the way is a godsend. Even Mac can see how helpful it is...but still he was not himself, or as near to himself as he has been these past few months.
Sooo I said, hey you know who i am, right, i'm Janet your wife...Well said Mac, have you got proof? I don't for a minute believe we are married..I was kind of surprised with this but then he usually says we were apart, but no, this time, it was not the case. I said, look we sleep together upstairs in our bedroom, and trying to make a joke, said, hey I don't just sleep with any man you know - just you, you are my husband...Well says Mac, that's news to me...This was all said with a kind of crabby face, and I am always told by the A. Assoc remember when these things happen, which in his case is rare, it is the disease...Well somehow i agree, but I think what may have triggered it is, having a man and my grandson in the house, both of whom he did not recognize and felt kind of out of it...who knows.
He is over it now, and realizes he is home, and now watching t.v., but it has been a rather stressful day, worrying about his walking his sore arms, and his attitude..maybe he feels the vibes from myself as .i have been thinking of what will happen, especially since I know that even here at home he is not entirely safe, we have stairs and he is progessively getting weaker..so perhaps his trust has lowered too. Also it's not just the stairs, if he should fall getting out of a chair, especially with me helping, i could never pick him up ...i have a friend who is going through this she has called 911 3 times now. have another friend who has placed her husband and is so distraught she has had a nervous breakdown...
I have been struggling with just when and how I will manage to do this i.e. place him or keep him here but with live in help....These are nagging problems, whiich usually recede into the background when we are together because, though he may not always know me, he is usually fun, jokes with me, and always for the most part hugging, me and loving, and today I almost felt completely alone, and knew for an afternoon, what it would be like with him not beside me...it's torture.
On a brighter note, had not just one christmas tree but two...i went out to get one while our Grandson and his dad were here, and then my daughter Valerie, showed up with a better one...yea. the lights are on the beautiful one and she will take mine, ha....then we sat and enjoyed for a couple of hours this evening..almost like old times, with Bing Crosby singing. with that good news i'll say g'nite.
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