As i have mentioned so many times when i think things are going so smoothly, they crash, and of course the opposite is true...when it gets really bad, all of a sudden things start to improve...or so it seems with this disease..but on thinking it over, it could also be a combination of things ... the outward effects of my behaviour, the behaviour of family, or friends, as well as weather can have a good amount of bearing as to Mac improving or going downhill, it's really hard to say.
For example today we were at our old house in Chateauguay, preparing the house to be sold, or we hope so anyway in the near future..Usually going up and down stairs there with Mac was almost causing me to have a heart attack. Today down to the basement, and up to the 3rd floor, no problem as long as he held on the railings...other times he can hardly step up a one inch level, so just as his physical behaviour fluctuates so does his mental level.
An example of how he looks at the situation he is in is, sometimes it seems that he is completely unaware, doesn't seem to pick up on when people are saying things about him, in front of him, like would your husband like to sit here or words like that - they behave as if he has completely lost his marbles - may whisper or act kind of fearful. So i wonder if he really is kind of aware, and just overlooks it , or as the other day he was going round and round about a usual subject, his pension, how do we, or he live without money, where does he get it etc. i could answer in depth or briefly, doesn't matter he will ask again as soon as the explanation is over...ending it with "oh i'm so glad you explained, now it makes sense", then he will start the process all over again...
Today he started another 'round ' as i call them to myself. 'how did i get here, when did you arrive here...etc etc. When I explain that we have been married for 61 years it boggles his mind so much that he doesn't believe it and roars with laughter..how come he will say i didn't know that...then I explained even further mentioning he has lost his memory...sort of like someone with amnesia, i say, you really have - NO MEMORY. So he accepted in a way, but then along came the same questions...along with the other 'round',..i think I saw my mother ...and so we were off on another usual tangent, so finally i kind of impatiently said, "look, we've gone over that scenario, let's leave it for now ..o.k. Then he said....o.k. by the way how does it feel to be married to a lunatic. That kind of blew my mind.. "i said stop that...you are not a lunatic, you are great - and live in the here and now, and try not worry about what happened in the past, talk about what's going on NOW. Right he said, because I'm kind of stupid...Again, this stopped me cold...and of course answered you are not....
So this evening I pointed to his university degree, and his picture of graduation and retirement photos and plaques, (Glenna felt these would bolster his self esteem and that I should bring them and put them up in our new apartment) I mentioned this and said i would do this as well as put mine up too....we would put them on the wall...absolutely no comment was forthcoming, he didn't seem to see the significance....yet when i put the book mark that i read to him every morning at breakfast back on the table --, it had fallen on the floor , i decided to read it to him tonight - he smiled and said 'is that true?'
this is what the bookmark says. You are Special - 'i can't stop thanking God for you. Ephesians 1;16
I said; of course - it's true.... o.k. if you say so, he replied... so he went to bed happily, and i'm here to say truer words were never spoken, so g'nite
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