Sunday, June 1, 2014 Isn't that a beautiful picture.....

It certainly was a beautiful picture, or sight, on a beautiful day...and that was Mac's comment as we watched the sunshine streaming through the branches of the tree overlooking the lake...we were walking home from church...and the day could not have been better.  This walk takes us along the canal bank, then on to the river and then it opens up to the lake.  All along the way there are picnic benches which we stop at, and just embrace the beauty of the scene...usually I can't seem to fill my eyes up enough with looking and enjoying, but today the scene that kept floating through my mind was from early this moning, and the sounds of the birds and the lapping of the waves was rather blotted out by the sounds of my own loud words to Mac.

I'm afraid to say it, but i went off the rails - he was being unusually belligerent, more so than usual to the preposee, he would not let her get his clothes on for the day...no matter how hard i coaxed - and pleaded - "no I'm not getting dressed',  "scram'   "take off",,,get her the hell out of here  etc etc...finally Vedette left, came back - twice, and we went through the whole scene again, and again, the third time she couldn't come back till much later, but in the meantime, I'm sorry to say, i became a real maniac, first hugging him - but when he pushed me roughly away, I started to try and take his hand and say come i'll get you dressed though it will be difficult -stop being such a nutcase  ..and when he pushed me roughly and i tried to pull stronger, he really got angry and got pretty agitated and ready to punch, and i just went into reaction mode...I had apparently not forgotten my training for working with violent kids (which I did many years ago)and just twisted his finger, causing him pain..and he of course just sunk back in his chair...I was devastated, and cried, did i hurt you  I'm so sorry.. I then said come quick, you get yourself dressed...well with much difficulty we both got him dressed..

Then all went well for the rest of the day, except for my mind which went over the scene constantly and I've been crying inwardly all day....how could i do that how could i say that....and even now I can hardly type...and this evening he was really upset with the preposee who though not rough is rather brusque..and does not have a bedside manner so to speak but he did get in his p.j.s   saying that's the last time  he will let that happen.  i can understand it's demeaning and kind of puts one in a horrible position of feeling like a baby, but he can't get himself dressed and with his muscles that tense up (the doc said he is in parkinsonian positions) he can be stiff as a board...it's too difficult for him and for me....

Now i will be anci all night plus have an awful awful time thinking about my own behaviour and his for the morning...and to top if off I have to go to the doctor myself tomorrow, which means he will be left with Debbie not always his favourite thing.  It's always up and down, and so we're in the down times....much to my own bad behaviour....as well...so it's time to think positive, and know that one has to use loving words no matter how it may go against the grain, and believe me i never ever had to use the technique i learned on any of my students that were very violent, (never to me), and now i've got to use the technique of love which I also learned...and I know it can be so phony sounding at first...but it worked in the past with kids and i hope it works tomorrow...as when it works it becomes true and i've never had to do that with my own husband I could be crabby just as he would be, but i'm dealing with a different husband now..one that only see's his own problems....so I have got to forget mine, and that's all there is to it...so g'nite sweet dreams....