Saturday May 7, 2017, Actually its 3:00 a.m. Sunday.

Thinking of you - as usual - each night - each day - each hour- when do I rest from this ache in my heart, when will the pain go away, when will it be safe to say your name without a tear falling from my eye, Is there a time for that. Can I ever become able to remember the good times, the many hugs and kisses . I just read that one should say your name and talk as if you are here, talk to you, I've heard others say, I talk to my beloved as I walk, as normally as if he or she were here I cannot do that, I try but it is hopeless, I become incoherent with pain. I saw you when we were mediating in yoga, how you used to sit on the chair, you seemed to be there, for it was so clear, I smiled and you faded away, but for a second how sweet it was - then the pain returned...it haunts me follows me wherever I go.
Today at the lake I walked the path we used to take, the path behind the cottage. I remembered our walk there one day, when all of a sudden there was a huge thunder clap and the sky went dark, we jumped and ran like two demented people as lightening flashed in front of us, back to the cottage and fell into our love seat in the sun porch facing the lake; laughing and so happy to be safe hugging each other as we watched the storm rage across the lake, the rain was like a heavy mist - we were unable to see the lake or anything in front of us - nothing just sheets and sheets of rain. We were amazed at the fierceness of the storm, never in our lives had we experienced this, later we discovered a tornado had passed through the lake and downed trees on the far side, huge tree roots were exposed to the roads all along a path through the woods - roofs were blown away..what could we say we were in the path and had escaped in time. As I walked I thought we might have been in the path long enough to be hit by one of the huge trees, as we laughed and scrambled to get away from the lightening and the thunder with the rain pounding down...I wished it had happened , the two of us whipped away laughing and with my laughter a kind of screaming in wonder and fear - a really magnificent show of the strength of nature and how helpless we were, but we were both happy we would have gone together, instead it didn't happen that way.
.I remember another day, where every little thing was so perfect - the lake was warm for swimming, the weather was so sunny, we had seen the loons, had been out in the boat. We had eaten a wonderful lunch, we had relaxed with a few of our friends who had visited us by rowing or paddling across the lake to our deck. We read our books, listened to music, then finally got in the car to go home. As we drove up the driveway to the road, I said, I would love to just go home and die..It was such a perfect day. You said I would rather get sick and die, why would you want to go when everything is perfect. Did I have a premonition that this day would come..I don't think so, but it has come, how I wish it could have happened to the two of us in the storm...we would still be together.
Instead here I am awake at almost three a.m. well maybe I should read my journal where I might find the page where I complain that you do not do the things that have to be done in the house, or have been telling me how to do this or that, making me upset and thereby causing me to make you upset..would I read this and think good I don't have him anymore, no it only makes me laugh as I would read further and read, well that was a silly argument, how wonderful it is to make up, how sweet are the makeup kisses...
Well those days are gone, you are never coming back, I am still here and my life goes on and I will try to follow the saying on my calendar here on my desk - "Joy is looking and comprehending is nature's most beautiful gift..apparently that saying is by Albert Einstein. So now maybe I should go to bed, and have the joy of seeing your face in a dream and comprehend and that way have a perfect night. I wish, perhaps better to just pray. g'nite.