It's not easy, I know I'm not the only one in the world who has gone through this kind of alone but not really lonely. I guess it's because I have so many terrific memories that I really want to be alone with them, and yet I don't want to cry all the time...and that's what those memories do to me.
Tonight I decided o.k. that's it. Time to sit in the back garden on the swing type garden sofa by myself, time to sit in the rocking chair in the rec room, look out the window - beside the other empty rocking chair. Read my book, check out the Ontario squirrel - yes he is still there the black squirrel - Quebec squirrels are grey, are there birds in the bird house, didn't see any...check out the girl running around the park, decide to ride the exercycle.I did that so often, saying o.k. Mac say goodbye I'm off along the bike path, ha..anyway,she inspired me..and I did...and so it goes. I'm trying to adjust, I'm not really there yet..as I see Mac everywhere I go..
Some people say, one should move to a new place, a new area and see new scenes, well for me there are not any new places..all the places that interest me, were of interest to him. Though I go to the museum - as I did today, we used to go there often, though I've been to a couple of movies, I still see him beside me...I go to see friends he had the same friends, I have gone on trips and will go on some more, but I know he will be there...and so on and so on...so I'm saying I will quietly say, hello Mac.
I'm still making cookies only now they last longer, but they are still low-sugar, he didn't like too much sugar, but now less oatmeal in them, I was never that keen on loads of oatmeal..hey that's a start - doing something for just me. I'm sleeping on two sides of the bed, taking turns each week a different side, learned that from my grandson, Olivier, that's what he does, how logical...I can do it..that is lie on Mac's side, I now sit in his chair, the cat looks askance, but hey it's my chair now too.
I'm also responsible for making sure everything is addressed to me and I've changed my address labels, it just says my name..that took getting used to - but it's important it says - I am responsible and I am.
Now I'm going to make these last few years, or try to make the last few years - days - hours - whatever...a time to do the things we've done together a time NOW to keep doing them alone, and adjust..but I can't ever change the place in my heart...that will never be adjusted, as that's the most important part that will stay the same.
HE IS THERE, NO ADJUSTMENT NECESSARY. g'nite
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