Today I visited a woman whose husband had died recently. Her husband had the big A. and sad to say her memories are just that ..sad. She remembered that he did not know who she was, he got violent, he hit her, he couldn't control his bowels and on and on...I tried to encourage her to remember the good days, in fact, even I remembered how he would say "where is mother". Mother was of course herself, which I thought was rather sweet of him.
She had a young girl which she paid to look after him, even when she was with him. At the over 55 Club, she would talk to her friends and he was usually with the girl, and he would ask for her, and was at the time quite reasonable and calm. So I reminded her of this, but she just could not seem to remember, she said, your husband was very good and calm, but my husband was not. He didn't remember me.
Well this reminded me of my little conversation up north with one of our neighbours just this past weekend. So I told her of the conversation. This neighbor gave me her condolences as she said she had tried to reach me when Mac died, but could never seem to connect. We chatted about the sad fact of how so many of the neighbours up at the lake have passed on.
She then said "you were so wonderful with your husband. I understand he didn't even remember who you were by the end, that must have been so so sad."..I said that he didn't know who I was is, to me, kind of ridiculous of course he perhaps didn't know my name, but I wasn't so wonderful, because I KNEW HIM. We were married for 63 years and more, he knew me in a way that did'nt require my name, he knew I was someone who KNEW him. That is the important part. I could continue to love him and he felt the love, he returned that love..and would be so happy and smile when I came in the room. When I laughed, hugged and talked to him it showed that I was completely at home and did not need to have him say my name. If he said, "I should go home to my wife", I would say, Yes of course, and then say she will probably call you later. Then he would forget and be content.
There was a time when I made the mistake of saying "I am your wife". well that was upsetting for him, he didn't believe me. No matter what I said, it only made him agitated and start to get rough, pushing me away. One time I got the nurse to come. He dealt with it so well. He said to Mac, come show me where your wife lives. We were downstairs in the lobby at the time. So he went outside the building with Mac, told me to go up to the apartment. I was too nervous to go up but stood away from the door and watched. I was hoping he would not give him a shot of something to calm him down; which was a possibility. All of a sudden they walked back in the building, and walked straight to the elevator. I followed along behind and went in another elevator, Mac didn't notice.
When I got to our apartment, I heard the nurse say, oh look there is your cat, I guess your wife is here too. As I followed them in, he turned and said, yes here she is...and Mac said, "right, there she is"...and was completely calm and content. That was one of the many times I learned that one should just try to go along with the thoughts of the person with the big A. try not argue or contradict.
What the nurse had done was take him outside walk around just a few steps away turn him around, and say I think she lives in this building and walk Mac right back into the same building. Gaye our daughter learned this earlier than even I did, and so often when I would try to reason with him, I'd say, let's phone Gaye, she will tell you. Then Gaye would say, you are right Dad, but I guess you will have to wait or some such thing to make him calm down over whatever was bothering him, but always letting him feel he was o.k. in control and not completely wrong.
So yes he didn't even remember me exactly, but I remember and I remember so many wonderful times, the day has 24 hours, and the few hours that he was agitated, upset, mad, or even at times violent, were minimal compared to the many, many, hours of hugs, kisses, and love that we shared - we shared the same apartment, the same food, the same bed and the same love, and that will always be remembered. so g'nite.
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