Well, I'm still connected in so many ways to Alzheimer's - both through friends who have it right here in my Residence, and through the friends I made in the Alzheimer's Caregivers Group. So when a friend wrote to tell me about a woman we'll call N. who is quite sad ..as she is going through this kind of scenario...her husband has been placed in a Residence for Alzheimer Patients. Each time she visits she becomes so sad as he says over and over "who do I have to apologize to, to get out of here"..He thinks he is a little boy and in punishment - perhaps he thinks he has been put in his room" this is what I wrote in reply:-
I Know what N. is going through, I belong to an Alzheimer Care Giver Group, the Alzheimer Society has several throughout the city and lakeshore area…I lucked into a fantastic group of people. That was in 2007—08 after about a year it was obvious that some of us connected and wanted to be there for each other outside of the once a month meeting…At first we met for about 6 x once a week, we were led by a super person an Alz. Nurse who was caring and understood in depth the disease and the ramifications, she handed out all kinds of reading material which we read and discussed etc. Anyway..7 of the 12 are still together to this day….3 of us have lost our spouses…the 7 include one man… …his wife died shortly after Mac die. All this is to say that if N. can join a group like that, she should, it is so good…
We call ourselves (the 7 of us) the S.S. (secret society) We have laughed and cried as we talk about washing our spouses in bathrooms in restaurants..(I have washed the floors in several – not to mention my friend’s home) We talk about how we deal with what your friend’s husband says..i.e. the "who should I apologizer to... this is how we would answer…that…
”True sweetie, I guess you should apologize, but there isn’t anyone there to do that, I’ve looked, so we’ll just have to make the best of it..this is your home now..I’ll bring some of our pictures etc etc.
As a matter of fact, I’m going through this again, with my friend’s mom (my friend J is one of the SS) her mom is in a bldg. right behind the park which is right behind my bldg. Her mom says the same thing every time I go over (I help J once in awhile – stay with her mom from 6:30 till 8:00)she will say... is this my room no it’s not, I should go home now..I always answer.."Gee right, you should go home, but it’s too dark, and it’s too far to the bus stop now, so I think this is a really good home, in fact look it’s your own lovely bedspread…and your t.v. etc etc….she then kind of looks and says oh yes so it is...She is such a sweet lady, I help to get her to the bathroom she is tall and stout, but thankfully she can hold on to a walker while I just have to assist her. She has fallen but thank God not when I’ve been there.
This is probably more info than you bargained for, but perhaps you can pass it on to N.…I’m not sure if it will help, but one never knows till they try. The techniques I use were gained slowly and from the A. group and the nurses on the 2nd floor.
If Mac were still alive, he would gradually have been too ill – and would die the way many do on the 2nd floor, that is, not able to eat, and starve – I used to see that…it was awful, I think how wonderful that Mac was able to enjoy music while the aide dressed him, he stood up and did a little dance to the music, sat down on the bed and said, “I’m so tired”, laid his head down on his pillow, and just went to sleep (died).
But how I miss him and wish he were still here-but it’s not to be, and so life must go on….and on..so we all have to make the best of it..and enjoy the time we have left, right?..I love that N. is taking tap dancing lessons, …hurrah..thats’ the way to go…buffalo and slap ball change...she will probably know what that means..ha..
Doing things for others is great, but for sure doing things to help yourself cope is important...so to make sure, looking after yourself is not only helping you, but the person who is ill, make a set time and take time look for ways to make your own day brighter...even if it is only watching fun tv..Also look for ways to both enjoy - even if it is just walking, that was our way to enjoy.
Now I walk alone, but he is there, in the sunshine sparkling on the water...g'nite.
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