I know so many people have said to me during this time of grieving, it gets better Jan, time heals...Well really, I think healing is kind of like saying you are sick and need to heal. I really don't want to get better, I know that I and others who go through grieving have to come to terms that the person we no longer have in our life is just that...no longer in our life. It doesn't mean that he/she is not in our thoughts, or in our dreams, or for that matter in everything we say and do..for sure they are.
They live on -we are their eternity. So many of the words I hear myself saying, are words that Mac has said ...some of them are not even that nice...like when I screw up some particular thing, I now swear worse than ever.. then say to myself, I can't believe I said that...then I have a little laugh and say "hello there Mac".
We, apparently, can reconcile ourselves with the thought and fact that our loved one is no longer with us..and there are some criteria for this reconciliation to take place. I have a long list, which is taken from "Understanding grief, helping Yourself to heal " (there is that word heal again)
I've read over this long list and the ones to explore where I am reconciling myself are..
1. A return to stable eating and sleeping patterns that were present prior to the death..
Hmmm..not really I don't sleep all that well, but then I never did in the eight years before he died, and I've gained weight since then, so maybe I'm eating more than I should be...well this one isn't too good, I'll look at a few more in the long list.
2.The capacity to enjoy experiences in life that are normally enjoyable...
Well, yes, but I find I am a little over the top when something strikes me as funny, I laugh maybe a little too loud, or too much, till I feel like I might start crying, but I really do get enjoyment..particularly from children, my own great grandchild Finlay just cracks me up. Today she said "you be the dragon I'll be the little girl"...Well I was such a good dragon, that she said..."hey wait, "I'll be the dragon you be the little girl".. Then I started to sing Puff the Magic Dragon, she said, "Good that's my favourite song"...We sang and skipped our way home from the park, near her new home...What fun, then I almost wept that Mac could not be with us...He would have loved that...so see there I go again.
3. The capacity to become comfortable with the way things are rather than attempting to make things as they were.
Well that is true, I am comfortable with the way things are..I know they will never be as they were...and the way they were was not always comfortable...Mac was not always happy, he was not well, and he was at times so lost..so would I want to make things as they were..no...So for that one I am definitely reconciled..so with that bit of improvement, I'll say g'nite.
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