Monday, March 30, 2015 Good Mourning...

I wonder if there is such a thing as "good mourning", I've been kind of mourning off and on for 8 years - since we first got the diagnosis of Alzheimer Disease...and the past three weeks, it will be three weeks tomorrow I've been mourning, as that's when Mac died. This morning, I mourned and mourned and mourned, does one do that constantly..does the hollow feeling in my stomach never go away. When Mac was alive it went away as long as I was with him..now, never. It seems ridiculous to try and fill it with food, but that's what I've been doing..which is crazy as I've been told by the doc to lose 5 lbs. My tummy is too big for my short stature he says, well it's getting bigger, how come I can eat as I have a lump in my throat, but I seem to manage okay.

I've been advised to go to grief counseling, and I might, maybe when we get through the "celebration of Mac's life" actually how does one do that..I would say its a Memorial, as memories are what we are talking about and remembering does seem to help. Even the past eight actually when we think
back it really started earlier than that,but even those years had many "good memories" Mac's sense of humour really never left or his love of music. In fact, music is the charm for most people, sick or well.

Now I'm really kind of sick, and it's strange, but I'm just loving quiet, as when I hear any music, he is there, oh just a knock on the door our good Vedette one of Mac's preposees to make sure I know she is back, and then a phone call, my sweet friend Marilyn calling from Fla. How supportive are the many friends, I thank you all. It does help to know that many people loved Mac, or liked our love for each other.
Yesterday at church it was crowded - a first - because of confirmation of 5 people - 4 children around 12 years old and one man about 48. He has decided that the church and God are there for him, and also a christening. I looked at the little baby, and the man, they both at this point, I'm sure were, happy.
Well God and the church are there for me, not necessarily for Mac, I wonder, he did like to be in the church during his last two years ..especially when we could walk there, and back. How we would laugh when our little church bells would go clank, clank, clank, and then on would come the beautiful bells of St. Anne's (not sure of the name)..in any case what a good memory that is.
So is it a good mourning, well no, crying is not fun, does it help, I really don't know..do I still have this awful hollow feeling, yes..can I still chuckle through my tears, yes, so is it a good morning..yes, so have a good morning and I will try to have one too if I don't it will be a good moaning, and that seems to help. Oh and not to forget Mischa, our cat, I'll go and pet him, that helps as well. Good morning and good day.