So many pictures have been posted on face book, of Mac, myself and the fun we had with our family and grandchildren, and although it is great to see them, as they bring back so many good memories, I then kind of go in a tailspin down to the sad sad fact that he is gone. I have been blessed and therefore keep telling myself come on you have been married for 63 years - or in June it would be 63 years. Get over it, but it's impossible. I know it's normal to suffer and grieve his loss..I also know he would have been steadily getting worse, as with the big A. one only goes downhill, there is no getting better yet I still want him - how selfish is that.
We used to love to dance with all the grandchildren, Mac would dance around the room with the latest granbaby, I would dance along beside him singing Shall we Dance...adding cha cha cha...and all other grandchildren would trail along singing and dancing with us. What a time...and to think he continued to love to sway, tap his feet and try to dance and as I said in my past blogs, finally doing exactly that, then saying he was tired - lying down and just probably in his mind dancing away to wherever one goes when they die.
As I am getting so many lovely phone calls, cards and emails expressing condolences I thought I would just say thanks to all and put in this answer here to one of the many phone calls....
I look at Mac’s empty chair and wonder would I want to go through more days with the many ups and downs, well no. On the other hand do I wish he were here..absolutely, I feel so alone – even with so many kind people around me, and even today…will be going out for lunch with a good friend. It certainly is such a mixture of feelings and emotions more down than up, but it can’t be helped…everyone has to live through this and I am no exception. Do you remember many years ago when we talked (Margaret, you and I) up at our cottage on the lake. We talked about could we live without our husbands…what would we do. I don’t remember precisely what we said, but I do remember saying “I think it would be awful, like living without part of my own body ,or losing my right arm” Well how right I was, and it’s even harder than that, as I really feel a physical pain in my heart. I know when my mom died I felt that pain for a short time also, I remember telling Mac – I thought I was going to die of a heart attack. Obviously I didn’t, and I guess I will survive this too.
I have to have a discussion with the minister from the church I go to, (Anglican) Mac was a churchgoer for a time but left many years ago. I continued in the United Church in Chateauguay, but when I moved here had such great outreach and love from the Anglicans that, well..there I am. I brought Mac to church – in summer he sat out in the garden waiting for me, but had to come in when it got cold. We would sit in the very back row of the little old church and I think he really got so much love and attention from the small congregation, he actually came to like the Sunday mornings there. Now it has become a very special part of my life.
I like a quote from Blaise Pascal…”Belief is a wise wager. Granted that faith cannot be proved, what harm will come to you if you gamble on its truth and it proves false? If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation, that HE exists.” That is so true, and in my case I have gained already. So hope you are having the support you need at this time, and again loved to hear your voice, and look forward to hearing from you online. Will also give you a call sometime soon.
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