Saturday, May 9, 2015 With A song in my heart...

Walking is still the main focus of my life as it was when Mac was here with me. Now though, I stop and visit with friends as well, a couple of days ago chatting with a friend over tea, she remarked that Mac was never violent like some who have he big A. This being said to me right the day after I found my beautiful little journal all hand made - well in that journal was written

Jan 14,1913 I'm very nervous, Mac was very violent tonight for about 10 minutes, it was so very scary - swearing and saying he would break someone's body and lunging at me. He was up to get something in the bathroom I went to help when this happened, I quickly turned out the lights. He screamed turn on the light, I need to see. I said you will see what you will see in the morning. Now try to come to the bed, he kept screaming turn on the g.d. light..I'ts o.k. it's time to sleep I said,over and over, and finally, In the dark , I helped him to bed.

Now I'm in the t.v. room and I can't sleep, my tummy is upset, and I'm suffering extreme anxiety. Something has to be done"

Well as we know from past writings, something was done, I had been going through times like the above, plus lovely times, because as I said to my friend, people with the big A. are not violent 24 hours a day. Also, it's often because of frustration, or dreams, or general anxiety about their situation.

We were lucky that we were together, had a great family, and loved each other and that we had help in understanding the disease. Though Mac didn't really know who I was all the time, he knew the voice, or the feel and most of all I KNEW HIM. When I read that journal entry..I felt sad, but would I ever love to have it again well maybe not that episode, but have him.

Just finished reading All the Light We Cannot See. These lines that the author Anthony Doerr wrote at the end of the book are so helpful.

"Is it so hard to believe that souls might also travel those paths? might harry the sky in flocks, like egrets, like terns, like starlings. That great shuttles of souls might fly about, faded but audible if you listen closely enough? They flow above the chimneys, ride the sidewalks, slip through your jacket and shirt and breastbone and lungs and pass through the other side, the air at a library and the record of every life lived, every sentence spoken, every word transmitted still reverberating within it.
Then he continues on with " We rise again in the grass, In the flowers. In songs."
For Mac and I we surely feel it in the songs..the ones we sang, the ones we danced to, the ones we sang to our children and their children, so as I go about still alive with him gone, I try to keep the songs in my heart along with the memories
So "with a song in my heart...I can still see your wonderful face"...and so I'll go on now and walk to the lake. bye .