I am walking the path along the lake, it's not as much fun, the sunlight on the lake doesn't seem to shine the same way. The benches are still there and when I sit on them, well, it's so what?? I can't be bothered buying a milkshake, they don't taste so good now..I don't bring special cheese and crackers, in fact I don't even think of it. The only good thing is I tell myself - walking is good for everyone, and since I don't walk as far I sort of lag around, I'm gaining weight which I don't need. So I will definitely keep walking and figure out just what's making me gain weight.
I'm still getting emails and condolence cards from people who have just heard about Mac, and one in particular was really sad as it was from an old friend and neighbor - and her news was also bad, she let me know her lovely daughter had died at age 54, and how devastated her family is not to mention how sad she is...so I'm thinking how I just have to keep in mind that death is part of life and I've been so fortunate to have had Mac for all these years.
I do intend to go up north as many days as I can, I had intended to look into selling the cottages , but now I’m free, and though I hate it, it is one plus about the fact that Mac is no longer here,…..
just saying that causes me to tear up..it’s awful, my whole body was always perfect or didn’t bother me too much, when he was here, but now I have so many little health complaints, and never ever feel at peace.
My friend reminded me several times of an argument Mac and I had that she overheard when she and husband were about to come in visiting us. I replied, well that would be par for the course, we would argue even if you both were IN the house, that’s how comfortable we were, arguments or discussions were never a serious thing, we never kept our negative feelings blocked up.
By the same token our loving feelings were always there and as our friend Barry was telling me, he never knew another man who looked at his wife coming to meet him with such love in his eyes..I thought that was a beautiful memory, he said he would talk with Mac at Mackay School, when Mac would come to pick me up; they would be deep in conversation, but when I clicked along in my high heels, all conversation stopped and Mac would just wait with that look. Two min later we could be yelling, “hey, why didn’t you do… whatever”…but that was us.. He wanted to say that at the funeral, but just too many people..I know though many knew that in any case.
Everyone says, remember the lovely times, actually I prefer the crazy yelling times, as I can laugh about it, when I think of the so many marvelous nights and days, well there I go again, can’t even swallow.
As the song says," I can't believe your gone Memories linger on"
So it goes, and there are so many reasons for me to be UP. and I am going to dwell on those, the sun will shine in the proper way, the benches will still be a good place to rest, people will smile as long as I start to smile. So I I'll try to think of all the crazy things we did that will make me laugh...like how many times we would go separate ways intending to meet later at a particular place at a particular time...and miss each other, each blaming the other for not being there...that has not only happened here in our town, but on vacations - in the U.S. Europe, and the UK...so I'll go to bed and remember those great trips and laugh at those two ninnies, and maybe I'll even hear him laugh too.
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