Getting on with my life is happening, I actually went on a short trip to Ottawa, stayed with friends and enjoyed their company and support. So for those who are going through a grieving time, I suggest if there is a way for you to take a break away from the usual daily life do take the break. For the first time since Mac died, when I woke up during the night - I have been able to fall back to sleep, without any tears. I have rarely slept all through a night in any case, but during this sad time each time I have woken up, I can't bear how lonely and sad I feel, it's almost like being very ill, and it has been impossible to fall back to sleep as tears and sadness have taken over. But, as I mentioned I did wake as usual, but managed to face the sad facts and then go back to sleep. So, thought this would not happen at home, but I was able to do the same thing at home, by saying to myself, hello Mac I'm back here again, and I'm okay.
Naturally I know that this is an up and down time for me and my family, I'm sure we all are coping in various ways.
On the train ride home, a little voice came to me, saying Watch for the markers....Never, even when Mac was alive did I think to look for the markers that showed the mileage for the train crews...This was Mac letting me know he is still there. This was his favourite mantra on our many train trips, and in some cases he would actually mark down the places and times he spotted the markers...well sad to say, I looked out for them, and just as in the days we were travelling together, I could never see them without his pointing them out..Did I see a marker, well NO...but the thought that they were there and if I really looked I would see one...made me happy. But a little quiet voice said, you could check the old stations.
The stations - Casselman, Alexandria, and of course Dorval where I got off the train stations were there and somehow I could hear Mac saying...did you keep all the pictures I took of train stations, they are changing the architecture for train stations the old concept for stations are fast fading away, I've been keeping a record. Did you keep the pictures.
Yikes, no I haven't even looked at the old pictures and I"ve thrown out so many..I'm feeling how awful I didn't see the markers, and it was only when I returned to Dorval and really looked at Dorval Station,did I see it's modern, not like the train stations we knew..Mac was so right, maybe I can look in google and get some pictures of old stations and - hmm what will I do with them..who knows..got to think about that.
Sorry Mac, but I'm going to look out for stations and markers in my life, g'bye
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