Thursday, November 8, 2012 Where does the cat go?.

Just put the cat out for his last little jaunt around the back yard, of course he is on his leash.  Mac always let's me know when it's time for him to come in, which is just around now...9:10...and as usual before the cat goes out, Mac always says where does the cat go ...he means when the cat comes in.  I make it very clear, the cat has a last snack of the day...Mischa, snacks all day, i say, but anyway, he gets a special before bed...and then he has the whole basement to himself, and can sleep in any of the chairs or in his lovely basket on his nice warm red blanket.

At 10;00 when the news is over and the weather forecast is on, Mischa knows and up he comes to meow and let us  know the drill here. we feed him, and the fish and they go to bed.... and this is so good for Mac, and this sets Mac on his own schedule, to get ready for bed.   I realize how important it is for him as i had been thinking we should go to Fla.but Mac says no way and he is right. 

 

  I can't see us there, as  I can understand how Mac feels as he is often feeling so lost right here in his own home and has said  so.   In fact one of the things he said yesterday is i feel stranded somewhere and i just don't know where i am ...yet he knows the layout of the house, it is inside himself that he is lost, which is something he also says from time to time.   He doesn't have an anchor or feeling of security , so seeing some familiar things is what is important.  The cat, and now the fish, are in a way , kind of landmarks or important pieces of the puzzle of the life he now leads.

 

 

So as i said, he needs this to feel  secure and at home, so I'm off to bring Mischa in, then we'll watch the rest of the news...feed the cat   feed the fish   and then it's off to bed ...g'nite.

Wednesday November 7, 2012 The Caregiver???

Tomorrow we will drop in to a day for Caregivers at 55plus...this word has always bothered me, as I haven't changed my role, I am Mac's wife, so when i get someone in, like i did yesterday - a person who works for Alzheimer's Assoc.  she is a Caregiver.  I notice that when we or i go to a Support meeting, the leader usually calls us Caregivers...even thought we are wives, husbands, son's and daughters of people with Alzheimers, so i have kind of taken the word in my vocabulary, but it gets mixed with caretaker etc. as it hasn't really sunk in that I am that person. 

As I am that word, - Caregiver - I am in favour of the main word that we all have  when we do the caregiving and that is  LOVE...also as wife or family member it is difficult to have the separate kind of thinking. i.e. talking about the person as if they are a client.  This is what Caregivers who are paid, call the person they look after - their client - well Mac is not my client.  Even when we were at the Doctor's office, he said - 'i hope you are taking care of yourself', as caregiver it is a tiring role and you should have support"

Well that is true, but it is as a wife that i go to these groups, i guess it's the same but somehow I can't get my head around the term.  A Caregiver can be removed from the problem, and talk about the person kind of dispassionately, as in,  he is doing very well,  he remembered where we went today  ...good for him he did the dishes, or whatever. 

 For me, today, was fine we went on our walk, but i think it will be the last time we go on both sides of the river.   I can see how going up the stairs of the train bridge is almost too dangerous, he was tired and almost tripped...the railings are large and there is space between the stairs etc.  As a caregiver i think i would be able to say these things and know - well that's the way it goes.. slowly  but surely he is losing his balance etc.  BUT  as his wife, it is so hard, this is where we enjoy life, looking at the river from the bridge height,  enjoying the scene from that level etc. but knowing that he cannot do this anymore is for me heartbreaking...so in some ways i wish i could say, I'm a caregiver. 

On the other hand, a caregiver comes does the work, spots the problems, decides how to find solutions, and then follows the solutions.  For the wife - husband - daughter - son ...the problem is spotted, the solutions are found if they can be found, and certainly they will try to follow the solutions, but this is where the support people help...we are there for each other , we know how hard it is to see our mate, parent, in this kind of situation..we know that it can tear us apart inside...and this is why it is so hard to say 'i am a caregiver' as i am so much more than that...and i'm so thankful, because as the wife  i can follow the solution but i can still hug  and kiss and LOVE the man, as he is not my client how great that is.  -  g'nite.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012 Where were you!

Today I travelled by train to ottawa.  My wonderful eye specialist - head of the eye institute at Ottawa General has been my eye man since the early seventies when he was practicing in Monteal- so faithfully every six months - there I am in Ottawa.  These trips, up until now, have been such a fun excursons for both Mac and I.  Even though a couple of the times when we were there the appointments included eye operations where we had to stay on the hospital campus for a few days, we managed to make it if not exactly fun, it would be a nice change.

Our dates there have included staying in B & B's, visiting friends, the fab national museum, shopping at Domos when it was a terrific store, going to old book stores etc. etc.

In the last few years though our good friends Ivor and Joan have been there at the station to meet and greet  us - drive us to our appoiintment wait for us and then we would go out for a super lunch to one or another of the many good restaurants in ottawa.  Today was no exception, although sad to say one of the seats at our table was empty...Mac no longer is able to make the trip.  This is sad, as I remember in the earlier years, we often noticed t.v. personalities such as Laurier La Pierre, Patrick Watson, and various members of parliament, sometimes we just acknowledged them by a look, other times though we did get to actually meet them.  Mac always had such interesting conversations, particularly if the person was in the political arena.. t'was a wonderful learning experience

As we age, of course so do our friends, my childhood friend, jean, who I reconnected with in those visits has passed on, as has the husbands of two others, others are going through post surgery and so it goes.  Sitting in the train I remembered the wonderful days and today was so different without Mac.  In fact he can't believe how I can possibly want to go all the way to Ottawa for an eye specialist.   Mac  used to be such an avid train traveller, especially since he worked for CN and always a train person, commenting on the different trains, tracks, and of course the scenery or checking the route, as well as the gazette , so with a huge hollow in my being, and a lump in my throat I went on to my Dr. Jackson, the eye specialist...

When I returned home the first words he said were...WHERE WERE YOU ??  Of course he had been told several times where and why, but that's the way it is now.  But, I'm still happy because he missed me too.  So g'nite.

Monday, November 5, 2012 I've been Dreaming....

Woke up to a sunny day, and although it changed later, it gave us a lift for sure to see the sun this morning.  Mac said, I've been dreaming, it's been dream dream dream all night.  My dreams are such that now I'm wondering, where am I ...I answered   384 Montcalm that's where we live, right here in Chateauguay, so how were your dreams, were they good dreams'...  Well yes and no, I dreamt I was in St. Henri, but I'm not so that's not so good.  I was happy in St. Henri.  Well, we were in St. Henri, do you remember we were there.?  Surprise, he answered this,  yes, I remember I went into the house I lived in, the man was very nice he took us all around my old house.  That's right, it was a few days ago, I'm so happy you remembered.  

he went on to say he remembered that he used to have a candy type of store that was not too far - just around the corner. He continued saying -  A kind of depanneur and they had delivery.  The boy used to come on his bike, my mother could phone and ask to have several scoops of icecream and imagine they would deliver it to us.  Wow, i was thrilled to hear this and it's true, i remember his mom told me that she used to just sometimes ask for two scoops of icecream it would be delivered...So happy memories for Mac this morning. 

Although, he got a bit sad as he was getting dressed, saying, 'how did i get here?  Well i went through the routine of when and how we got together and i said, we're old now you know.  That's why it's not so easy to remember where we are and so on, you are an old man now and I am an old lady...but I'm glad you are my old man, and he said, "so am i, and I'm glad you are  my old lady...and we had a great laugh and hug, and with that he said "who is that man who likes to help us.  I said, do you mean Leslie, Yes, that's the man, he seems to be a nice guy'..  i said of course he is because leslie is our SON.  He will be coming this week to see us.  Oh said Mac, that's good, why..  Well he is our financial planner...i almost thought i made a booboo there and we would be off and running on the subject of his pension.  happily no...he just wanted to check his wallet and then go for breakfast. 

The day continued quite nicely, except that although yesterday we marched around in the cold for one hour and a half, after getting our flu shots...today we walked for two blocks and Mac said...too cold let's go home and so we did...after first picking up pictures of him in St. henri, talking to the man who showed us around mac's old home....and so it goes...

I think that i should perhaps make a list of all the fun things that do happen in our day so that the family, friends and others who read the blog do not get too sad..in fact i have a couple who say they have to stop reading it makes them too upset.  Well sorry but that's part of the scenariio, but i will try for others who are going through this to perhaps use some of our ideas for their own problem.  BUT it is Mac's memories and so perhaps if I add a few of mine to his, it may make for lighter reading...so for now, g'nite.

Monday, November 5, 2012 testing, testing, testing.

just want to see if this goes through as two mondays it has been sent to cyber space after i'm not on for the weekend.   Soooo will continue in another blog

Friday, November 2, 2012 Where is janet mcconnell

A good day to stay in, but we managed a short walk from the parking lot behind the library to IGA and another couple of stores..the rain and the damp cold air giving us our usual conversation about should we go to Florida for the real cold days, that is MY usual comment, and Mac's usual answer, "no way, we'll just stay indoors."  So even if we're not going, it's fun to consider it, talk about it, and give us conversation - as I go on to say how fun it is to walk on a beach, and then to see how  Mac can find good reasons to walk in the snow.  Actually once we get going we start remembering how great it is to see sun on snow, and so on...but as I notice how hard it is for Mac to walk these days - every day he seems to get slower and of course going up and down curbs, crossing streets, are all a challenge in bad weather...So think i'll start a routine going for some kind of exercise in the house...i've already noticed we're putting on a couple of pounds sitting around, and eating.

As the day progressed his mind as usual starts to fade and he starts to forget who is who...so as we were
 getting ready to go to our daughter Valerie's for dinner, he said 'where is janet mcconnell'..  I put up my hand and said, here I am  ...oh yes you are not that Janet...i'm thinking of my sister.  i said Mac your sisters are no longer with us..my sister is no longer with us...we have our family now...I'm Janet your wife... we're going to visit Valerie your daughter and Brianna your grandaughter is coming with - and then he said of course she is coming with the BABY, well thankfully we have this BABY she is darling Finley, and then we're off and running about how cute she is...And so it goes, with the baby he is on target, and can talk about her - and we love to look at pictures of Finley...strangely though he doesn't recognize himself, or anyone else or has no interest ...unless it's of himself as a youngster...and of course FINLEY.

This could of course depress me when it comes to not being recognized, but I have other more affirming moments, as last night in the middle of the night, he tapped me on the shoulder when he came back from our trip to the bathroom, and said.  "Jan it is you, eh??  "   I replied, "right on, it's me..and he hugged and kissed me and said.  "how wonderful..'  so how wonderful is that,  so g'nite.

Thursday, November 1, 2012 What is the function

A drizzley day but a good one to walk the mall, which we haven't done in quite awhile.  Mac noticed the stores that are now boarded up, and we discussed how and why these stores are closed ..then we wondered about the new stores that they are planning where the highway 30 is in Chateauguay.   In fact it was a great on-target conversation...which continued as we had lunch at our fav little restaurant on the river..

with the day in mind when we sat down to have a cup of tea, i said - 'looks like the new restaurant owner won't have too much trouble, they had a good amount of people in the place..Well we had just been there about 2 hours earlier..Mac's reply was, what restaurant...did we go to a restaurant"?  Well i went over what we had done in the day, he could not remember any of it.  He did of course remember that he had a pension, and we went through the same routine, when  why  how and now where do we get my money, and should we go to the bank.  This routine is so tiresome, but i managed to finally get him over that though i must admit to almost losing it when he said, "you don't have to raise your voice"..

So then the day went on, and he couldn't believe we didn't have supper already, and while we were eating he said, now let's get some things straight...what is the function of that person.   Function??  where did that come from..well as the evening went on, his thoughts were more and more confused, and he was thinking that my function was to put the cat to bed in some place on a hill.  That perhaps i should drive him home first.  So we had to have a little discussion on just what was what.. the discussion lasted through dinner and finally till 7;30..that was a two hour mixture of ideas i was beginning to feel like i was in a kind of guessing game...  Do you mean who puts the cat to bed...finally hit the right button  yes he said that is the function, but i added you are home I don't have to drive you.  oh that's good ....said mac rather doubtfullyu

So this reminded me that he said two days ago...'If I am on the side that doesn't know you as I think I haave been on another side and didn't know you for years...you must remind me that I know you and tell me we are always together on this side.  I kind of have the feeling that he is now on that other side..and as he is watching t.v. he will i hope know the routine, and if not i am going to try to remind him, we are together and
on this side...whatever the side, he is home and i'm hoping that he will be able to relax and sleep well...

I can see that more and more his memory is fading  and especially by evening...must try to find ways and means to help...i tried showing him some pics of himself, and the family, he said "don't show me pictures...i just have to go in to the bathroom and see my face in the mirror...and say to myself,  who is that old bastard ???  he said , I really don't look like myself.  i said you are handsome and still attract the girls, the yoga teacher said, wow what beautiful blue eyes you have.   of course he can't remember that...and just said, "when was that and anyway, she's nuts or she is not talking about me."  That happened this morning,  but of course this morning's activity is long gone.  So must join him and see if i can make him feel good about himself, so g'nite.