Wednesday, May 29, 2013.....thought you had forgotten me...

Continuing the story...of mac's memory of me..as his wife, or not continued to a happy conclusion 

This is not the first time that he has said 'you are not my wife, it has happened even a couple of years ago'  but he is always secure in the knowledge that the someone - wife - best friend, girlfriend, mother figure, is there and constant...and today was no exception...as i mentioned the respite person from the CLSC came to give me a kind of break for 3 hours...usually i never take the whole 3 hours but decided to really go for it and did....when i returned he was so happy, thought i had completely fogotten him...his caregiver or respite person, was just trying to tell him that i would be returning shortly, when i showed up.

 

He kept saying, 'thought you had forgotten me, or forgotten  to come home', thought you were never returning...i told him that is the problem with your memory, i told you when i left " not to worry i will be back in 3 hours - have a good visit with Bill"...but i'm sorry you forgot...it's hard for you, as you cannot remember...BUT, just know I will always be there for you, i will definitely come back to you. 

 

The rest of the day, from 5p.m. when i returned to bedtime was perfect...we managed a walk between rain showers...funny mac was amazed at how warm it was, he was judging from the earlier downpour that it would be cold...as we walked along this evening, he was so thrilled with the warm sun, and blue sky...he said 'it's great let's take off our shoes and underwear'...that struck me as hilarious and i couldn't stop laughing...as he said ...o.k. you know i'm joking, 'well i should hope so...he  is now sound asleep, so g'nite.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013 Are you really my wife?

Monday started out in a kind of grim way, Mac was throwing up, mainly a kind of phlem...apparently this happens as many A. patients swallow their phlem...or something - which causes this...There was no temp. and his blood pressure and all else was normal according to the nurse who responded very quickly to our call.  So, decided with weather so good we should seize the day, - so glad we did, it turned out to be a beautiful day,  a walk along the lake - watching the Canada geese  the swallows, and perhaps purple martins not sure, and sweet little babies, children wild flowers  kite surfers, and all the wonderful activities that take place on the lake walk...ending with a sharing of a hot chocolate sundae...num....

Tuesday Mac and I had a lovely visit with his first and almost his last cousin mabel - spending the visit time in beautiful Westmount Park, all after first visiting the eye specialist...ending the afternoon meeting our daughter Glenna and then home to dinner.  BUT, always there is the down side..which happened just before bedtime.; Mac looked at me saying 'Are you really my wife, I sure don't believe that...Well i said here is a picture of our wedding party   many years ago, 61, almost....Showing him his brother the best man, the ushers  Joey martel his brother in law, Chuck Holden, the bridesmaids, Ellen Holden, my sis, and Marjorie Finley, my good friend...and of course finally himself,  which he could hardly recognize and strange but true, me, who he said was Janet...i said right, that's me Janet....I know theres a change, but he said, no you look like that - but you are definitely NOT Janet....So i ended that session with ' well let's go to sleep, wait for the morning, and see if I look like janet"  He said, do you have another bed around here, I don't want you in my bed...well sorry, NO, but we don't have to touch each other..i'll stay way over on my side...so o.k.   Now let's brush our teeth...While we were brushing our teeth...i said..Gee i feel sad that you don't know me tonight..?  Then just like that he said,  oh I know you, you are Janet and I'm sorry if I made you sad....

Well how does all that go around in his mind, i really don't know...but I was so happy to have him hug me, and hold my hand on the way to OUR bed...as one can see ....at times it's not so much for him that we are here but for me...as I should realize that his mind is always up and down, and should not be taken seriously, but then  I say that but my mind does not take it in, and then i'm up and down too..and as the Alzheimer's Society nurse said, i have to get a life and realize going like that is to lead to depression for me...which is not good, so time to take a break.. 

 His visitor from CLSC, will come this afternoon, so I'll take a break, a time off for myself and get back to norm where I can realize that Mac is sick,   and not take seriously his down and unusual behaviours - which of course always seems to happen in the evening...so onward to  a good day....

Sunday, May 26, 2013 Where the hell are we and why......

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2013 / Walk for Memories 2013 -

Hi Jan....sorry I didn’t make it because of the rain.  How did it go?  Were you able to achieve your goals?

So many questions, eh?

Take care, hope Macs eye is healing ok.

Susanna

 

So that's a message from my dear friend Susanna -

 

And below is the answer:-

 

 

Hi Susanna,

 

lucky you, i thought we should perhaps cancel, but mac seemed o.k., but if  you have been reading my blog you probably realize that was a mistake...his med strips covering his cut over his left eye were drooping into his eye causing him to be practically blind by the time we got there, as well the rain was coming down in torrents....  So it was "what the hell are we doing here, Where are we and why and for C's sake let's get out of here.  and more cursing and cussing."..imagine the place was like a little swamp and we only had shoes on. 

 

My son Les and one of the workers cut up one of those thin plastic ponchos and tied plastic over poor mac's shoes...didn't help much either that his umbrella broke as soon as i opened it...Sooo i decided to call it quits...as we stood under a tent ....watching the  parade of brave people marching off on the walk in pouring rain, included in the group were Valerie, Brianna, baby Finley, my nephew Greg and girlfriend Deb...Les and Jane opted to stay with us and then at my urging due to the air that was turning blue around Mac, we just turned around and went back to our place..

 

When we returned luckily the nurse was on duty and managed to cut the antiseptic strips over mac's cut although one can still see the blood,; it is scabbing, yuck, but he felt much better.

 Little while later V B and F. came back with box lunches which the A. Assoc.  provided and Greg and Deb brought back delicious macrons...(to die for)  we all had a nice time here in our cozy apartment....

 

Later, when most of the gang left...Greg stayed with Mac and Deb and I went to the Teapot ( the Seniiors Club here in Lachine) where they were having a Flea Market...and bought some cool things..

 

We (Mac and I) ended the afternoon at the afternoon party for the Seniors in our building who have a birthday in May...there was a pianist who played all old favourites, with loads of trills, and the place was quite packed with residents...So after some bd cake and juice, we happily returned to our snug little home...The weather cleared up, but Mac's had enough excitement so we're staying put tonight.  i asked him if he was happy that we didn't bother to do the WALK, he said 'what walk'  ????

 

Hope you don't mind more info than you asked but  i'm going to cut and paste all this in my blog...so you don't need to read it, ha...   xxxjan.

 

Saturday, May 24, 2013 I can feel it pulling when ......

mac's eye lid and area have become blackened making me feel absolutely sick...the cut part has three little strips vertical but since they were (nurses) slow in getting the strips, one can see about 1/8th strip of blood  showing along a curved cut of one inch...my baby finger nail is lethal...should get a licence for it.

 

mac says, I can feel it pulling when i blink, well yeah, it is right beside his right eye and it is the eyelid, so - i'm thinking, if that were me, i'd be furious, he is a doll.

 

what's the story with people who are overenthrusiastic - (ME) they should RELAX and stop with the craziness...at the time i was also singing at the top of my lungs to Sentimental journey....hadn't heard it in years and was really carried away when the animator had that on her tape.  Actually it now makes me sentimental, i remember mac nearly knocked my eye out (he actually made me have a broken blood vessel in my eye) many years ago waving a finger at me about the fact that he was NOT going to go skiing that day...ha. we're even .....(not really)

 

i'd say i'm careless not  less caring, but of course - without cares - sure is not me. and sure not less caring, but i would say it's not THINKING  - hey i'm near someone on both sides  do not wave my arms too far out....lucky i didn't do anything to the man on the other side of me...

 

Well this shows that we do have a life here and it is really a fun and obviously not boring one, tonight our view of sundown is spectacular...our day started with fun with Richard music therapist, and continued with a visit from our two grandaughters, and our lovely great grandaughter Finley, what could be sweeter.

 

Mac would love to have a handle on his finances and wishes he could remember all kinds of things, this though is a familiar and obviously one that means so much to him...along with wanting to see his mom, and yet at the same time he realilzes these are things that are beyond his comprehension so he tries to live in the moment. as do most of us...so make this moment count ....enjoy ...but watch out for the crazies out there with long fingernails..  g'nite.

 

 

Thursday, May 23, 2013 Just leave it alone....

I'm on my blog in the morning, which is a first....why you may ask???  WELL, I'm absolutely devastated i've actually hurt ...by ACCIDENT ....hurt the love of my life...MAC.   They say there are no accidents, and in a way they (whoever They are) are correct.  If i had been watching what i was doing it wouldn't have happened but I was having too much fun.  We were in our exercise class, and at the end of it we play a game of kicking or batting - whatever - these huge happy face beach balls...there we were 20 alzheimers people or whatever ailment plus the teacher and myself batting and kicking the balls all over the circle...two came toward me and i quickly reached out with my left hand and mac leaned over with his right and i caught him squarely in his left eyelid with the nail of my little finger ....Well, no one really noticed not even poor mac whose eyelid was bleeding - it could have been his eye...wow!! ..BUT, i quickly went to get a wet kleenex and put it on his eye...  with Mac saying through clenched teeth...'just leave it alone'

Well  here we are two hours later....we've finally had the nurse here - she put some special little bandage strips on as the cut is wide so to try to bring it back together and believe it or not still bleeding - also there is a kind of tiny blotting bandage on it as well....i've been having to put kleenex on my eyes, as i can't stop having tears every time i look at him and know who caused the damn thing.  As mac and the nurse said - it's an accident, but were i not being so carefree and a little more observant i'd realize that flinging one's legs and arms around when sitting close to others is  a bit dangerous to say the least.  As mac says over and over, "well I'm the one who never want's to go to these things, so now you can see it's stupid and we won't go there again'  well hopefully he will forget...and hopefully, the person who is supposed to be "with it"  will watch what she is doing.

To think i could have done it to some unsuspecting neighbour absolutely makes me cringe, and to do it to mac has made me  ill....

Will just add a couple of more notes here....yesterday we had 'Bill" from the CLSC, and i have learned how to figure what to do...it just happened that instead of saying ClSC is sending some one to give me respite, i said....CLSC is sending someone to visit you every week, they want to make sure your move from CLSC care in Chateauguay  to CLSC care in lachine is going well...Mac said "oh that's good'...When the man came i introduced him as Bill here to visit etc..so Bill agreed with that, and continued to talk to Mac about  'did he like his new house etc."   So I left them to it for about two hours, and all went well, so that's how we'll handle it from here on....a visitor for Mac, he likes that, who wouldn't. 

Lastly, we were going to go out this afternoon for banking and grocerying, but due to the "eye incident" we're taking it easy, and whammo a mother of a rainstorm hit the building, and we've been watching the trees, the wind and the rain hammer away at all our windows, kind of scary fun.  But happily we're stuck indoors..so now we'll have a cuppa tea...relax, and enjoy some soothing music....(i need it) xxabientot

May 21, 2013, Tuesday.... I'm going to go upstairs...

Today was not the greatest for our person that stays with Mac..Debbie... thought if she was late getting here for 10 a.m. she would have no problem just coming into the yoga class and staying while i took off.  I didn't think that would be a great plan, but decided that it would probably not happen, i.e. that she would be on time and then be able to either stay here with him or go to yoga...depending on his mood.   Well that was my mistake number one, she was late.... mistake number two was  before we went to yoga, i told him Debbie would probably join us there so i could go out...although he really didn't take the info in, he was disturbed and would not participate, but when nothing happened for about 20 minutes i guess he felt well things were normal and so he started participating  and enjoying, when along came Deb, interrupting the class and her mistake was kind of upsetting to everyone, which was she went for  a chair instead of just replacing me, dragged the chair  around, etc.  This put Mac in the spotlight so he came out with me as he hates to look like he is being minded kind of thing, and I understand that perfectly...He said, 'I'm going upstairs, i told him he could go up stairs or go out with Deb but i would be leaving, coming back later...and gave him the key to our apartment.

Well when i returned, found out that Debbie was stuck downstairs with mac for three hours, she was not pleased,also,  he would not  give her the key, and said he was waiting for me there.  Debbie hadn't eaten breakfast and so proceeded to eat chips from the snack machine.  i'm not sure how they spent the three hours,they could sit on sofas and look at magazines, or go outside,  but apparently she was trying hard to get  him up here finally did so , by saying maybe i was already in the apartment.  There,  they were able to eat the lunch i had left for them...

When i finally did return, i knocked and knocked on the door, but Debbie had the music so loud she couldn't hear and neither could he...she is partly deaf...i had to go down and get the concierge to get the key, thought 'oh how nice, they are out for a walk.'  my mistake #3...so to prevent having any more mistakes,   i'm going to have to rethink how to handle these things. and make sure mac is a happy camper before i leave, also that we do not have any other program on tap.

Tomorrow we will have a new person from the ClSC respite program, a man !!!!...so I've already told mac he has a visitor coming to see him ...and i may leave them ...but i know he will forget by tomorrow...so let's see how that goes....to be continued....g'nite.

Friday, May 17, 2013 It's all really beautiful..

As we left the dental specialist today, we started to walk along the Lachine canal where we could see the St. Lawrence going out to Lac St. Louis, and what a great distraction from my yukky frozen mouth...after having root canal work..and both of us i.e. Mac and I stopped and just gaped as the sun shone through the trees  and as Mac exclaimed...'it's all really beautiful...and so it is. 

Before we left for the appointment, we spent our usual Friday start of the day,  with Richard, who is the music therapist who sings - plays his guitar and generally starts our Friday off to a super day.  I'm not sure how others would feel sitting in the group - seeing about 20 women and men all with advanced Alzheimer's nodding - to the music,  most in wheelchairs -  some with their heads hanging looking like they are fast asleep, but then wake with a smile as Richard sings songs to them -   When he sings he makes sure to include their names in the songs - and now he knows Mac and Mac's  name get's included too, which seems to please Mac, although he never mentions it. 

Sometimes it makes me feel so sad as i can kind of see the future and it's not exactly pretty, as one lady spends much of her time, peering through another lady's hair - while that lady just kind of is in a trance sleeping and waking not even noticing that someone is going through her hair, this for almost the whole hour while Richard sings.  Doesn't faze Richard who livens
most of the patients and certainly also the nurses , some of whom, dance with the more lively of the men.
One lady danced with her friend who has the big A. and spoke to Richard saying, she and her friend had been friends for 50 years..their husbands worked together, when Richard said to the patient, 'this lady has been your friend for 50 years' the patient just looked and didn't respond, her friend took her hand saying you remember me, right?  But no response was forthcoming, and so Richard quickly filled in the void by singing including the name of the patient in the song, and got a wonderful smile and both patient and friend brightened up...Mac doesn't comment on any of this, and seems to just accept and enjoy the music...tapping his toes and nodding his head - then he we go back to our apt and he doesn't remember.   

He also  doesn't remember that he had a woman stay with him on Wednesday that he didn't like or know...The woman - linda - who stayed with him while I went to the shopping center - on the bus...trying   out that bus route for the first time.....Interesting new scenery for me,  and it only took 15 minutes to reach a neat shopping center with one of my fave stores - The Bay - where i managed to buy a pair of shoes and then stand in a bus shelter on the way back, while the rain came pouring down...happy to report that Mac was o.k. with the trip, although he tells me contantly, he can stay alone...but no way is that going to happen.

So we will try it again next Wednesday...I guess as time goes on he will get accustomed to being left with different people, we shall see.  Actually,  most of the time we are together,  now I'm beginning to think the person who really gets the most benefit is myself.  Can't picture a life without him, and so I appreciate these days, these walks, these funny times, where his jokes can make me laugh, like today when i was brushing some lint from his shirt front, he said, "hey can I do the same thing to you, i promise i won't be rough, and I'm sure no one will notice"..and then he gave one of his sly smiles ....hmmm, gotta watch this guy.  Anyway, he's in bed and waiting for me so gotta get my hugs...g'nite.