Well what has my friend downstairs decided? She has decided to stop crying about the fact that her husband will be placed in a private small residence. She just knows it will not work out..so she said I have decided to stop...not only crying, but talking about how he will not manage, how her husband is ninety seven and will not be able to take adaptataxi to visit her. He used to take the bus to visit her here, but he will not manage she says to dial properly and talk to the people who run the taxi service So again she said, I have decided to stop..
So I contributed my two cents, saying why don't we just wait and see things might not be so bad he may just take a regular taxi to visit. NEVER, she said, he would say that is too much money. He is ninety seven but he thinks he will live forever, when the house gets sold he will have put the money away and never use it.
In a way it's strange, she never had a good word to say about her husband, but that was her business, obviously she and he still love each other..Apparently when her son was explaining where he will place his dad, to the two of them, his dad said "but what about mum, when will I see her", the son kind of ignored that, so my friend the wife, piped up...He will not be happy in such a small space. He did not ignore that, he said, stop throwing rocks in the way..
Well as I said it's none of my business, but I did ask, o.k.just when will all this take place, hoping it was still in the thinking stage. But no, the date is set he is moving April 1..(I didn't mention, April Fool Day...just thought it.).
So when thinking of the day thought of yesterday Valentine's Day, it would have made such a nice story if I could have said, well it's o.k.they have decided to move their dad here to be near mum..Happy Valentine's day, but no instead..its April fool. well sometimes, April Fool jokes are fun, let's hope something fun will come out of this yet.
One good thing, she has stopped crying..so have I, well not exactly, I still cry, in fact a little every day, like the song says "each day is Valentine's Day"so I eat my chocolates, and gain weight. You look rested says the preposee downstairs -
I am resting, while I'm enjoying my course on "Women and War" given by the Thomas More Institute..my yoga classes, my zumba class my walks to check out the Mac's ashes which are now under the snow..Attend the concerts with our season tickets, and even went out for dinner and dancing at The Teapot, and danced the night away..So a little bit of Valentine sadness with a little bit of April Fool fun. Mix it up,as I've decided to stop...and enjoy.
Monday, 15 February 2016
Thursday, 11 February 2016
Thusday, February 11, 2016 It's not right....
I really can't give any names, but I'm not able to sleep thinking of one of the residents who is feeling so upset.. She said, it's not right...and really I don't think it's right either, but I don't know how to change it, and it's really none of my business.
She is living here because she needs help, she has problems walking, partially blind as well as other problems, but her mind is still good and she has a great sense of humour. It's really fun to visit with her and I try to visit about once a week.
This time though her humour was sarcastic and although funny it was bitter, her children have decided her husband should no longer live on his own, he is really not that well, and though he is well over ninety, walks well and has a good mind, he is getting weaker and they are concerned. He still lives in the house and visits his wife here, and does not really want to move. But he does realize it is time. This is the part that my friend feels it's not right..his children want him to move to a small place, and not here.
He has accepted this apparently, and although she knows that they never got along that well, she feels he should live in an apartment in this residence so he can continue to visit her and she could visit him. Their children think otherwise, telling her, they always argue, don't get along, and so therefore, it doesn't matter that he lives in another place.
Separation is part of our lives as we get old..either through sickness, and in most cases, death..It's always terrible, and we know it will happen to every couple, but when it is imposed on the couple by others somehow, I don't think it's right either.
Bickering and outright arguments are for some couples part of their lives. I can remember my own kids telling Mac and I to stop bickering, I know my friend has told me she heard us or me, really yelling at Mac. Now I hear other couples do this when I'm with friends or family, and I know it's not crucial, they still love each other. I'm sure the couple would take it very insulting and completely unacceptable to be told they have to live separately. No matter what age the couple are I think they should make that decision for themselves
Well I don't know what the outcome of all this is going to be, but as my friend says, It's not right, and I agree...but sad to say I can't do anything but say to my friend, well, maybe things will turn out for the best once he is moved, he will perhaps not like the place and your children will agree with you and move him here. That of course is not the answer she wants to hear..but it looks like that's the way it will have to be as I notice as one gets really old and fragile, others take complete control...hmmm..
so far it's not happening to me, but then my separation has already happened naturally, it sure isn't right for me, but I must face the fact, my Mac is never coming back. We bickered, we argued, but we sure did love each other and I have to keep on living, so I'm going to make sure I have my wits about me.
I'm going to live as well as I can, to enjoy my days knowing that one day we will be together again, or who knows, maybe not, no one really knows ...but it's something couples should think about before they get too old to handle their own lives, don't bicker or argue so much that your kids think it's better for you to be apart, make sure you both are the ones to make that decision for yourselves. Make sure to love each other to the end, as then parting is a "sweet sorrow".
g'nite.
She is living here because she needs help, she has problems walking, partially blind as well as other problems, but her mind is still good and she has a great sense of humour. It's really fun to visit with her and I try to visit about once a week.
This time though her humour was sarcastic and although funny it was bitter, her children have decided her husband should no longer live on his own, he is really not that well, and though he is well over ninety, walks well and has a good mind, he is getting weaker and they are concerned. He still lives in the house and visits his wife here, and does not really want to move. But he does realize it is time. This is the part that my friend feels it's not right..his children want him to move to a small place, and not here.
He has accepted this apparently, and although she knows that they never got along that well, she feels he should live in an apartment in this residence so he can continue to visit her and she could visit him. Their children think otherwise, telling her, they always argue, don't get along, and so therefore, it doesn't matter that he lives in another place.
Separation is part of our lives as we get old..either through sickness, and in most cases, death..It's always terrible, and we know it will happen to every couple, but when it is imposed on the couple by others somehow, I don't think it's right either.
Bickering and outright arguments are for some couples part of their lives. I can remember my own kids telling Mac and I to stop bickering, I know my friend has told me she heard us or me, really yelling at Mac. Now I hear other couples do this when I'm with friends or family, and I know it's not crucial, they still love each other. I'm sure the couple would take it very insulting and completely unacceptable to be told they have to live separately. No matter what age the couple are I think they should make that decision for themselves
Well I don't know what the outcome of all this is going to be, but as my friend says, It's not right, and I agree...but sad to say I can't do anything but say to my friend, well, maybe things will turn out for the best once he is moved, he will perhaps not like the place and your children will agree with you and move him here. That of course is not the answer she wants to hear..but it looks like that's the way it will have to be as I notice as one gets really old and fragile, others take complete control...hmmm..
so far it's not happening to me, but then my separation has already happened naturally, it sure isn't right for me, but I must face the fact, my Mac is never coming back. We bickered, we argued, but we sure did love each other and I have to keep on living, so I'm going to make sure I have my wits about me.
I'm going to live as well as I can, to enjoy my days knowing that one day we will be together again, or who knows, maybe not, no one really knows ...but it's something couples should think about before they get too old to handle their own lives, don't bicker or argue so much that your kids think it's better for you to be apart, make sure you both are the ones to make that decision for yourselves. Make sure to love each other to the end, as then parting is a "sweet sorrow".
g'nite.
Wednesday, 3 February 2016
Wednesday, February 3, 2016 Where's the remote.....
One of the things I like to do in a kind of memory of Mac is to sit with Alma, my friend's mom. Alma has Alzheimer's she had to be placed in the building behind our building, so it's really convenient. I had all the instructions on the t.v. which has so many channels and is completely foreign territory for me...so I was going over the instructions in my head as I walked over to see Alma..
The programs we watch together are Jeopardy and whatever comes before or after, these programs were never watched by Mac, in fact he hardly ever watched t.v. in the last few years of his life, so neither did I. When I arrived on the scene i.e. Alma's room, no Alma...So I walked around the hallways, and eventually found her down the end of a hall looking at her little address book, and the numbers on the walls near the rooms. So as you can see she is really on target for some things.
When I approached and said, "hi ...what are you doing over here Alma? " She said, I'm looking for my home. She then gave me her room number, so I said oh good let's go to your place. So she was so pleased, reading her room number 303, then reading her phone number. She would repeat it all along the hallway, as I pushed her wheelchair. Was quite contented when she saw the number and her name..and there we were happily settling down in her room. I said o.k. let's watch our programs..well, there we were and of course..no remote. I didn't have a clue as to how to get the channels on this t.v. with buttons. Once before I had asked the nurse, as I'd gone through this scenario a couple of times.and the personnel are as dim as I am it was 6:30 by this time. The shows come on at 7:00 - 8:00..
So on to the next chapter, "find the remote", it's amazing one room - but cupboard, drawers, clothing, bed, blankets, window seat, etc etc.fridge, bathroom. Where could the damn thing be. Naturally Alma has hidden it, but where, does she remember, NO!!..There was Alma staring at the blank screen, waiting patiently.
Well, was I patient, absolutely NOT...diving all over the place, finally thinking o.k. I'll phone her daughter, but did I have the cell #,no...did I think to look at the special book that has all this info, which was shown to me a couple of times before, NO. I knew her daughter was with my daughter Gaye, did I have Gaye's cell number. NO..talk about frustration..I decided, o.k. get Gaye's number from her brother Les, well talk about someone who is clued out..ME.
Alma was quite calm, patient, and understanding, (she is supposed to be the one with problems - ha). I couldn't believe it, as I was talking to Jane,(Leslie's wife) I started to think hey what did I do with my cell phone, "hello...I'm using it to talk to Jane, like am I going round the bend or what.." Well thankfully we started to talk about something other than my quest for Gaye's number, plus my quest for the g.d. remote, all the while I'm looking through drawers, coat pockets, under the bed. Decided to go through the clothing in the second drawer.(again)..surprise. there's the remote. Just on time, 7:00 p.m.
Well happy days we were fine, and I even remembered the darn channel #, 2302 without checking the book. And there was her program. Alma was even able to fill in one of the blanks which was BOY...I congratulated her and gave her a big hug..She was so pleased and so was I. Then it was time for her nightly snack...and finally time for the mixed up person to leave..that's me..
Who knows why Alma would hide the remote, but I have a sneaking hunch it's to have fun watching poor sillies like me flipping all over the place, to please her. Like what would happen if I didn't find it, we would look at magazines, we would talk, we would enjoy..I often wonder about people who are supposed to have all their marbles and then lose them...
Mac would have had a great laugh at all this. I came home and thought to myself, well no wonder I'm not t.v. savvy, we never watched the darn thing for most of the last 3 years..He just loved to listen to music..I'd play all his fave cds..good thing he's not here now, as somehow my cd player is broken..can't play cds..lucky I know how to switch on the radio...hello Mac, here is TONIC...jazz on radio...cbc..our fave. g'nite love you..xxx
The programs we watch together are Jeopardy and whatever comes before or after, these programs were never watched by Mac, in fact he hardly ever watched t.v. in the last few years of his life, so neither did I. When I arrived on the scene i.e. Alma's room, no Alma...So I walked around the hallways, and eventually found her down the end of a hall looking at her little address book, and the numbers on the walls near the rooms. So as you can see she is really on target for some things.
When I approached and said, "hi ...what are you doing over here Alma? " She said, I'm looking for my home. She then gave me her room number, so I said oh good let's go to your place. So she was so pleased, reading her room number 303, then reading her phone number. She would repeat it all along the hallway, as I pushed her wheelchair. Was quite contented when she saw the number and her name..and there we were happily settling down in her room. I said o.k. let's watch our programs..well, there we were and of course..no remote. I didn't have a clue as to how to get the channels on this t.v. with buttons. Once before I had asked the nurse, as I'd gone through this scenario a couple of times.and the personnel are as dim as I am it was 6:30 by this time. The shows come on at 7:00 - 8:00..
So on to the next chapter, "find the remote", it's amazing one room - but cupboard, drawers, clothing, bed, blankets, window seat, etc etc.fridge, bathroom. Where could the damn thing be. Naturally Alma has hidden it, but where, does she remember, NO!!..There was Alma staring at the blank screen, waiting patiently.
Well, was I patient, absolutely NOT...diving all over the place, finally thinking o.k. I'll phone her daughter, but did I have the cell #,no...did I think to look at the special book that has all this info, which was shown to me a couple of times before, NO. I knew her daughter was with my daughter Gaye, did I have Gaye's cell number. NO..talk about frustration..I decided, o.k. get Gaye's number from her brother Les, well talk about someone who is clued out..ME.
Alma was quite calm, patient, and understanding, (she is supposed to be the one with problems - ha). I couldn't believe it, as I was talking to Jane,(Leslie's wife) I started to think hey what did I do with my cell phone, "hello...I'm using it to talk to Jane, like am I going round the bend or what.." Well thankfully we started to talk about something other than my quest for Gaye's number, plus my quest for the g.d. remote, all the while I'm looking through drawers, coat pockets, under the bed. Decided to go through the clothing in the second drawer.(again)..surprise. there's the remote. Just on time, 7:00 p.m.
Well happy days we were fine, and I even remembered the darn channel #, 2302 without checking the book. And there was her program. Alma was even able to fill in one of the blanks which was BOY...I congratulated her and gave her a big hug..She was so pleased and so was I. Then it was time for her nightly snack...and finally time for the mixed up person to leave..that's me..
Who knows why Alma would hide the remote, but I have a sneaking hunch it's to have fun watching poor sillies like me flipping all over the place, to please her. Like what would happen if I didn't find it, we would look at magazines, we would talk, we would enjoy..I often wonder about people who are supposed to have all their marbles and then lose them...
Mac would have had a great laugh at all this. I came home and thought to myself, well no wonder I'm not t.v. savvy, we never watched the darn thing for most of the last 3 years..He just loved to listen to music..I'd play all his fave cds..good thing he's not here now, as somehow my cd player is broken..can't play cds..lucky I know how to switch on the radio...hello Mac, here is TONIC...jazz on radio...cbc..our fave. g'nite love you..xxx
Saturday, 30 January 2016
Saturday, January 30, 2016...Lady of the lake still...
Everyone has some sadness in their lives, even little children, some more than others as we look at the Syrian refugees and those living displaced lives, one can only try to be a support monetarily if not physically. Talking of support, I think that is the basis of love. My good friend is going through such a hard time watching and helping her daughter and her family as her daughter is going through cancer treatments.
This is such a scourge, cancer, as well as Parkinson disease, ALS, Alsheimers etc...without naming the friends that have these diseases, I am trying to be positive and a support and although in some cases the problems is age-related... many of my friends suffering these diseases are young, like the young mother going through one treatment after another. This is what I wrote in an email to that family as I listen to how they support one another.:-
It is such a truth - supporting each other in this kind of situation is the key to keeping everyone positive, we have had this, as you know. This is when we see how much family and friends mean. Not to forget the medical care -
Having all that explained fully and knowing just what is expected - well courage and love to all I will keep thinking and praying for all of you and I take away the hell on earth part..and say live in the good moments...xxxjan.
So equating support as LOVE for one another is what life is all about..that is the way to being positive..
Yesterday, I did my usual walk along the lake.sat on "our bench" said hello to Mac and communed with him and nature. The lake is pretty well frozen, some people are out "ice-fishing" a sport(?) I often wonder about..how much fun is there in sitting on a chair beside a hole or holes in the ice waiting to catch fish - but perhaps that is their way of dealing with stress in life, who knows, I don't know any ice fishermen.
Today I have started the day with that email and it started me thinking about the early days of Mac's memory and how he struggled with it. So I read a couple of pages from a lovely little journal, with a beautiful cover and hand made paper. I wrote... this book is strictly for poems, good thoughts, songs and all things positive. The date Oct. 7, 2011 - That would have been about three years into really seeing the effects of the big A. on Mac. well those wonderful ideas i.e. poems songs and positive thoughts kind of went by the wayside as LIFE got in the way. On Oct. 30th 2011..I was happy that Mac remembered an old friend he used to see in Buffalo..remembered the first and last name and was so thrilled with himself..I was so happy for him, I couldn't remember the name at all, though we both were talking about the fun we had with that friend when we were teen-agers.
Another entry in that journal takes us to 2012 - Mac said "I'm so happy we're back together, we've been apart for so long. " Well we were not apart, but somehow in his mind we were..I tried to explain that he had a memory problem, then realized that was not really helpful..so said I'm happy we're together too. He said your name is Janet, I'll never forget it-I see that I have written, "he probably will, but I won't let him ever forget me."
The time goes by and LOVE continues, we supported and loved each other in our family, and still do.. and like my friend said, with support we are able to continue and be positive. Enjoy the good moments and appreciate each other...g'day I'm off to the lake.
This is such a scourge, cancer, as well as Parkinson disease, ALS, Alsheimers etc...without naming the friends that have these diseases, I am trying to be positive and a support and although in some cases the problems is age-related... many of my friends suffering these diseases are young, like the young mother going through one treatment after another. This is what I wrote in an email to that family as I listen to how they support one another.:-
It is such a truth - supporting each other in this kind of situation is the key to keeping everyone positive, we have had this, as you know. This is when we see how much family and friends mean. Not to forget the medical care -
Having all that explained fully and knowing just what is expected - well courage and love to all I will keep thinking and praying for all of you and I take away the hell on earth part..and say live in the good moments...xxxjan.
So equating support as LOVE for one another is what life is all about..that is the way to being positive..
Yesterday, I did my usual walk along the lake.sat on "our bench" said hello to Mac and communed with him and nature. The lake is pretty well frozen, some people are out "ice-fishing" a sport(?) I often wonder about..how much fun is there in sitting on a chair beside a hole or holes in the ice waiting to catch fish - but perhaps that is their way of dealing with stress in life, who knows, I don't know any ice fishermen.
Today I have started the day with that email and it started me thinking about the early days of Mac's memory and how he struggled with it. So I read a couple of pages from a lovely little journal, with a beautiful cover and hand made paper. I wrote... this book is strictly for poems, good thoughts, songs and all things positive. The date Oct. 7, 2011 - That would have been about three years into really seeing the effects of the big A. on Mac. well those wonderful ideas i.e. poems songs and positive thoughts kind of went by the wayside as LIFE got in the way. On Oct. 30th 2011..I was happy that Mac remembered an old friend he used to see in Buffalo..remembered the first and last name and was so thrilled with himself..I was so happy for him, I couldn't remember the name at all, though we both were talking about the fun we had with that friend when we were teen-agers.
Another entry in that journal takes us to 2012 - Mac said "I'm so happy we're back together, we've been apart for so long. " Well we were not apart, but somehow in his mind we were..I tried to explain that he had a memory problem, then realized that was not really helpful..so said I'm happy we're together too. He said your name is Janet, I'll never forget it-I see that I have written, "he probably will, but I won't let him ever forget me."
The time goes by and LOVE continues, we supported and loved each other in our family, and still do.. and like my friend said, with support we are able to continue and be positive. Enjoy the good moments and appreciate each other...g'day I'm off to the lake.
Saturday, 23 January 2016
Saturday, January 23, 2016 The bits and pieces of the past....
Today, a special day..a celebration of our great grandbaby Lachlan's first birthday..this baby has to be one of the most contented of children..but then why not, he has it all. When I say all, I mean LOVE. Love is what makes the world go round as we know, and it is also what supplies confidence, peace, joy and all the other good things that we need to live a happy life. Well our little Lachlan has that because his life is just permeated with love. How happy he was to take six steps today (sideways) to his dad, and how happy we all were to watch him do this.
When I think of the little children who are in a world with war, disease and hunger I realize just how can they grow up to be happy and peaceful - it is impossible. I don't dwell on this, but it reminds me of how each time Mac would see on t.v. or read in the papers about the situation in other countries, he would just shake his head and say, "this has got to stop, we over here have it all, and unless we share - unless we help and change the situation, our chickens will be coming home to roost", and by this he meant the times will change and the "have nots" will be taking what is rightfully theirs a chance to grow up in a peaceful, loving and caring environment. He always agreed with the slogan "he who is silent, consents"
Anyway, back to happier thoughts, I try to write bits and pieces wherever I am when something interesting or funny is said so I won't forget. As I was writing a birthday gift cheque today,it turned out to be the last in my book..and there I saw a little scrawl, I realized I must have written something that appealed to me and not having paper, or my agenda I guess I used the back of the cheque book..I had to get my magnifying glass I had written it so small. This is what I wrote- "I just tried wiggling into a new bathing suit here in a changing room and I heard Mac's great laugh"..I can't remember if I was in Winners or in a store in Maine, or it could have been in Florida..but I do remember feeling so kind of embarrassed, knowing that the bathing suit was definitely too small, why did I think it would fit..and then I heard the laugh, and said.."I know, I know, I'm not size 8 anymore that's for sure"... So there was my little bit of the past that made me laugh to read it..and how I loved Mac's laugh. For sure that was Mac, there were no men in the changing room.
I was speaking to a woman recently, the wife of our friend Paul, who died, the celebration of his life will be Saturday. She said "I used to say to Paul, please stop running the hot water like that - put a plug in the sink, and save us some money"..Apparently he never did, and the hot water would just run down the drain, this always made her so angry. Well just after he died she woke up to hear the hot water running, she went to the bathroom sink and was only able to turn off the hot water by closing the pipe under the sink. Well, she then said, "O.K. Paul that's enough"..or words to that effect.
I have heard people say that bits and pieces of the voice, the face, or the spirit of our loved ones come back to us after they have gone. I did mention, in another blog, I saw Mac's face over mine when I lay in shavinasta (or whatever it's called) in yoga, but I had completely forgotten his laugh in the changing room till I read that little scribble. It gave me such a feeling of love and joy. I hope he was there in spirit at Lachlan's party, though to be honest I certainly did not have any indication of this, but how he would have enjoyed the party, and of course his great grandson Lachlan and all the family.
There are so many stories of how we try to remember and in so doing may cause these sort of experiences, but I had not been trying to remember Mac in those two episodes, it was really right out of the blue.
Speaking of this, I remember once being on a train, not to long after my dear friend Joslyn died, I was sitting there as the train roared along, peacefully reading a book, when I heard her laugh which was one of the most musical laughs I have ever heard. Without thinking I put my book down, leaped up and started running along the passage through the train, got through two cars before I realized, of course that's not Jos, she is dead..I went sadly back to my seat, wondering , well how did that happen.
Another time, I was at my computer reading an email from my friend Louise, my mom had died quite some time before that...Louise claims to be psychic at times, though I never ask her to give a reading or whatever she does for people. So I was surprised to read, "your mom wants you to know how much she loves you...and that's all your mom said, but then she left chuckling so much. "...Well for one thing my mom was deaf, spoke sign language, so I wondered how Louise heard her say this hmmm???.but what really got to me was Louise writing, "your mom left chuckling" well that was something my mom did, in fact at the residence where she lived before her death...they called her "smiles and chuckles"...so ..all this took place many years ago now.. obviously I haven't had many of these "visitations " or what ever they are called.
But who knows when a bit or piece from the past will come to us..in any case I'm open to it, maybe in a dream, Gaye our daughter dreamt of Mac last night. Gaye said " He was looking for some girl, - and in my dream, I told him the girl's name is Jan." So maybe I'll see him in my dreams...g'nite.
When I think of the little children who are in a world with war, disease and hunger I realize just how can they grow up to be happy and peaceful - it is impossible. I don't dwell on this, but it reminds me of how each time Mac would see on t.v. or read in the papers about the situation in other countries, he would just shake his head and say, "this has got to stop, we over here have it all, and unless we share - unless we help and change the situation, our chickens will be coming home to roost", and by this he meant the times will change and the "have nots" will be taking what is rightfully theirs a chance to grow up in a peaceful, loving and caring environment. He always agreed with the slogan "he who is silent, consents"
Anyway, back to happier thoughts, I try to write bits and pieces wherever I am when something interesting or funny is said so I won't forget. As I was writing a birthday gift cheque today,it turned out to be the last in my book..and there I saw a little scrawl, I realized I must have written something that appealed to me and not having paper, or my agenda I guess I used the back of the cheque book..I had to get my magnifying glass I had written it so small. This is what I wrote- "I just tried wiggling into a new bathing suit here in a changing room and I heard Mac's great laugh"..I can't remember if I was in Winners or in a store in Maine, or it could have been in Florida..but I do remember feeling so kind of embarrassed, knowing that the bathing suit was definitely too small, why did I think it would fit..and then I heard the laugh, and said.."I know, I know, I'm not size 8 anymore that's for sure"... So there was my little bit of the past that made me laugh to read it..and how I loved Mac's laugh. For sure that was Mac, there were no men in the changing room.
I was speaking to a woman recently, the wife of our friend Paul, who died, the celebration of his life will be Saturday. She said "I used to say to Paul, please stop running the hot water like that - put a plug in the sink, and save us some money"..Apparently he never did, and the hot water would just run down the drain, this always made her so angry. Well just after he died she woke up to hear the hot water running, she went to the bathroom sink and was only able to turn off the hot water by closing the pipe under the sink. Well, she then said, "O.K. Paul that's enough"..or words to that effect.
I have heard people say that bits and pieces of the voice, the face, or the spirit of our loved ones come back to us after they have gone. I did mention, in another blog, I saw Mac's face over mine when I lay in shavinasta (or whatever it's called) in yoga, but I had completely forgotten his laugh in the changing room till I read that little scribble. It gave me such a feeling of love and joy. I hope he was there in spirit at Lachlan's party, though to be honest I certainly did not have any indication of this, but how he would have enjoyed the party, and of course his great grandson Lachlan and all the family.
There are so many stories of how we try to remember and in so doing may cause these sort of experiences, but I had not been trying to remember Mac in those two episodes, it was really right out of the blue.
Speaking of this, I remember once being on a train, not to long after my dear friend Joslyn died, I was sitting there as the train roared along, peacefully reading a book, when I heard her laugh which was one of the most musical laughs I have ever heard. Without thinking I put my book down, leaped up and started running along the passage through the train, got through two cars before I realized, of course that's not Jos, she is dead..I went sadly back to my seat, wondering , well how did that happen.
Another time, I was at my computer reading an email from my friend Louise, my mom had died quite some time before that...Louise claims to be psychic at times, though I never ask her to give a reading or whatever she does for people. So I was surprised to read, "your mom wants you to know how much she loves you...and that's all your mom said, but then she left chuckling so much. "...Well for one thing my mom was deaf, spoke sign language, so I wondered how Louise heard her say this hmmm???.but what really got to me was Louise writing, "your mom left chuckling" well that was something my mom did, in fact at the residence where she lived before her death...they called her "smiles and chuckles"...so ..all this took place many years ago now.. obviously I haven't had many of these "visitations " or what ever they are called.
But who knows when a bit or piece from the past will come to us..in any case I'm open to it, maybe in a dream, Gaye our daughter dreamt of Mac last night. Gaye said " He was looking for some girl, - and in my dream, I told him the girl's name is Jan." So maybe I'll see him in my dreams...g'nite.
Sunday, 17 January 2016
Sunday, January 17, 2016 Life's pains and loneliness.
David Bowie was interviewed on the Strombo Show, Bowie spoke about how much he injected his feelings of loneliness and that at the end we are truly alone and he put it into his music.
Not knowing too much of Bowie's music, but hearing his words made me think of Mac and how he never complained of loneliness. In work he had his office, his music to listen to, he was one of the first to have a radio in his office. Yet he hardly ever discussed his work. After work he played hockey on a team- ran kid hockey teams. When he retired he could be considered a true loner. He could stay in his office with so many choices of how to spend his time, that is, on the computer working out his investments, doing crossword puzzles up the zing zang, reading poetry and Irish history, working on his family research, working on accumulating great restaurant reviews, he had tons of files on everything from good wines to old pictures of Railway stations that he loved.. Not to mention checking out my stuff,the environmental committee, my Teaching material, Literacy Council, Church in International Affairs, and running our own household affairs...he never seemed to need anyone.
I on the other hand always needed people, I could be alone for whole days, but that would be an exception. Of course, the main person I needed was him and he was always there for me..being happy to be the one important person in my life, and loving to be the person who ran my life.
My stories were his stories, just as the problems and fun with our kids were shared in depth so were the stories of the kids in my class, or my friends and the people I met. Sometimes he would tell my stories as if they were his. Kathy a friend recently said, how fun it was to hear us tell stories, and how I'd say wait a minute Mac, that's my story.
Now I see how much he did for me, as I look at my bank statements and think hmmm now where did I spend that money, hmm which phone service do I have, oh yeah I am with videotron for what, oh yes, t.v., what phone service. Videotron had to tell me, I changed it over to Videotron so they could do everything, but Mac had all this at his fingertips, I went along blithely in a beautiful trance, no wonder I would say, I certainly hope I go first..well that didn't work out.
Today I so wished I could tell him about poor Alice downstairs sitting in her wheelchair hair cut short now, lying there with her huge tummy covered with a lap blanket and shocking the bejesus out of me when I saw her purple and black eye. What the devil hit you I said. Turns out the preposees were giving her a bath and the kind of phone shower thingee hit her in the eyes..Wow, poor Alice, she grabbed my hand and put it on her heart, saying well where were you when I needed you. Well yeah, where was I, did that ever make me think.
Decided then to check out Lina as well, there she was in her semi blindness, sitting in her chair listening to her tape and knitting, but so happy to tell me her latest story. That story kind of made me sad but laugh so much, she had just had her toenails cut, not here I won't say where or who..but the woman who was cutting her toenails all of a sudden, jumped up and ran to the sink washing her face..At first Lina thought she was throwing up, as the woman was pushing her face under the tap, and kind of going ahh; BUT,this is what happened apparently when she clipped Alice's toenail, the little piece of nail jumped up and went straight in her eye..yikes. Then the woman was so rattled she cut a bit of Lina's little toe, (hate to say it but I laughed out loud) now Lina has to have her toe washed and dressed with meds every second day..
Poor Lina (age 91) laughed and said I'm o.k. as I drink a little water from my special cup which comes from the Czech Republic. Intrigued with the cup I took it and there it was with a kind of tea -spout that one sips from; it has a handle like a regular cup, not knowing that it was still filled with water I turned it over to see if it showed Czech republic on the bottom, and spilled it all over myself and the floor. Well the two of us howled with laughter, after using up much of her paper towels, I cleaned the floor, my bag, myself, and took off for my own apartment, wishing I could tell all this to my sweet Mac..so I'm telling it all to my blog.
We are Mac's eternity, so I'm thinking of how he would have laughed too and commiserated with Alice, and Lina. Alice said to me I wish you would buy a pendant put his ashes right in and hang it around your neck, she said I would pet the pendant.(not going to happen.)
Les (our son) is his eternity as well, as he emailed me a picture of Mac's hockey stick and skates, telling me how much fun he had using them today, and saying I don't think I could be on a team now that I'm 62, but his skates fit me perfectly and are just great - he had a great day with his dad's skates on, and his dad's hockey stick marked Mac..
So g'nite Mac, g'nite all.
Not knowing too much of Bowie's music, but hearing his words made me think of Mac and how he never complained of loneliness. In work he had his office, his music to listen to, he was one of the first to have a radio in his office. Yet he hardly ever discussed his work. After work he played hockey on a team- ran kid hockey teams. When he retired he could be considered a true loner. He could stay in his office with so many choices of how to spend his time, that is, on the computer working out his investments, doing crossword puzzles up the zing zang, reading poetry and Irish history, working on his family research, working on accumulating great restaurant reviews, he had tons of files on everything from good wines to old pictures of Railway stations that he loved.. Not to mention checking out my stuff,the environmental committee, my Teaching material, Literacy Council, Church in International Affairs, and running our own household affairs...he never seemed to need anyone.
I on the other hand always needed people, I could be alone for whole days, but that would be an exception. Of course, the main person I needed was him and he was always there for me..being happy to be the one important person in my life, and loving to be the person who ran my life.
My stories were his stories, just as the problems and fun with our kids were shared in depth so were the stories of the kids in my class, or my friends and the people I met. Sometimes he would tell my stories as if they were his. Kathy a friend recently said, how fun it was to hear us tell stories, and how I'd say wait a minute Mac, that's my story.
Now I see how much he did for me, as I look at my bank statements and think hmmm now where did I spend that money, hmm which phone service do I have, oh yeah I am with videotron for what, oh yes, t.v., what phone service. Videotron had to tell me, I changed it over to Videotron so they could do everything, but Mac had all this at his fingertips, I went along blithely in a beautiful trance, no wonder I would say, I certainly hope I go first..well that didn't work out.
Today I so wished I could tell him about poor Alice downstairs sitting in her wheelchair hair cut short now, lying there with her huge tummy covered with a lap blanket and shocking the bejesus out of me when I saw her purple and black eye. What the devil hit you I said. Turns out the preposees were giving her a bath and the kind of phone shower thingee hit her in the eyes..Wow, poor Alice, she grabbed my hand and put it on her heart, saying well where were you when I needed you. Well yeah, where was I, did that ever make me think.
Decided then to check out Lina as well, there she was in her semi blindness, sitting in her chair listening to her tape and knitting, but so happy to tell me her latest story. That story kind of made me sad but laugh so much, she had just had her toenails cut, not here I won't say where or who..but the woman who was cutting her toenails all of a sudden, jumped up and ran to the sink washing her face..At first Lina thought she was throwing up, as the woman was pushing her face under the tap, and kind of going ahh; BUT,this is what happened apparently when she clipped Alice's toenail, the little piece of nail jumped up and went straight in her eye..yikes. Then the woman was so rattled she cut a bit of Lina's little toe, (hate to say it but I laughed out loud) now Lina has to have her toe washed and dressed with meds every second day..
Poor Lina (age 91) laughed and said I'm o.k. as I drink a little water from my special cup which comes from the Czech Republic. Intrigued with the cup I took it and there it was with a kind of tea -spout that one sips from; it has a handle like a regular cup, not knowing that it was still filled with water I turned it over to see if it showed Czech republic on the bottom, and spilled it all over myself and the floor. Well the two of us howled with laughter, after using up much of her paper towels, I cleaned the floor, my bag, myself, and took off for my own apartment, wishing I could tell all this to my sweet Mac..so I'm telling it all to my blog.
We are Mac's eternity, so I'm thinking of how he would have laughed too and commiserated with Alice, and Lina. Alice said to me I wish you would buy a pendant put his ashes right in and hang it around your neck, she said I would pet the pendant.(not going to happen.)
Les (our son) is his eternity as well, as he emailed me a picture of Mac's hockey stick and skates, telling me how much fun he had using them today, and saying I don't think I could be on a team now that I'm 62, but his skates fit me perfectly and are just great - he had a great day with his dad's skates on, and his dad's hockey stick marked Mac..
So g'nite Mac, g'nite all.
Wednesday, 13 January 2016
Wednesday, January 13, 2016 When we were WE..
This is the poem I wrote some time in 2011..obviously I was having a kind of sad day ...I put it in my blog in 2012 here it is 2016...He is no longer here, it is his Birthday today
Today, January 13...he would have been 86 years old..so when Mac died he was a good age..well past the 3 score and 10 a kind measurement of a good age.
This poem written when I was trying to understand the ins and outs or the on's and off's of Alzheimer's Disease, illustrates how I felt..I kind of wish I could go through this day again, because then I would be with him, but that would be a rather selfish wish. So I read the poem and think
Happy Birthday Mac, we were WE, right to the end.
MEMORY LOSS
He is there inside
I hear his voice
It is his mouth
These are his words
It is his body
But is he there
He knows I’m me
And I know it IS he
We laugh, we sing, but
It is not really WE.
I am there inside
He hears my voice
It is my mouth
These are my words
It is my body
And I am there
But does he know it’s me
We cuddle we love
But we’re not really WE
it was his mouth it was my mouth,
it was his body it was my body
We laughed, we cuddled, we sang, we loved
When he was he and I was me.
And WE were WE
This is the last paragraph of that day.....
"Don't be too sad when you read this as I am up and down and that was a down day...we are we but we are WE in a new kind of life. Today was a good day, we babysat..our love, Finley. "
Now I only have the memories and of course I look back with rose colored glasses, in fact today I was at the Eye Specialist, and I'm actually typing this with blurred eyes.one because of the freezing drops in them, and the other because of tears...but good tears, happy tears because he no longer hss to figure out who is who..
Now my memories go back to the days when he and I celebrated his birthdays in so many fun ways...with the family, or just the two of us, with the grandchildren, always sharing his special cake - his fave was Boston Cream Pie, really a layer cake with custard in the middle and chocolate on top...
We would also go out to various activities that happened at the time of his birthday..here is an excerpt from my journal of 1993 - at that time I was working and Mac would have been
"bought a card for Mac, normally we don't buy each other a card, just gifts..but couldn't resist, the picture on it is perfect trilliums..he loves them..and he loved the card.didn't like the waitresses singing Happy Birthday at Il Vicino, but he put up with it...actually smiled, ha.Right now it's blowing snowing and freezing, I'm in a nice warm bed with a nice warm husband, whoopee"
Well that was 1993, he was 63, we had many many birthdays like that..so I'm not a basket case today, maybe because a good friend of the family died last week, he was only 50 years old..so I'm grateful for the lovely life we had together hmmm I do have teary eyes so...g'nite.
Today, January 13...he would have been 86 years old..so when Mac died he was a good age..well past the 3 score and 10 a kind measurement of a good age.
This poem written when I was trying to understand the ins and outs or the on's and off's of Alzheimer's Disease, illustrates how I felt..I kind of wish I could go through this day again, because then I would be with him, but that would be a rather selfish wish. So I read the poem and think
Happy Birthday Mac, we were WE, right to the end.
MEMORY LOSS
He is there inside
I hear his voice
It is his mouth
These are his words
It is his body
But is he there
He knows I’m me
And I know it IS he
We laugh, we sing, but
It is not really WE.
I am there inside
He hears my voice
It is my mouth
These are my words
It is my body
And I am there
But does he know it’s me
We cuddle we love
But we’re not really WE
it was his mouth it was my mouth,
it was his body it was my body
We laughed, we cuddled, we sang, we loved
When he was he and I was me.
And WE were WE
This is the last paragraph of that day.....
"Don't be too sad when you read this as I am up and down and that was a down day...we are we but we are WE in a new kind of life. Today was a good day, we babysat..our love, Finley. "
Now I only have the memories and of course I look back with rose colored glasses, in fact today I was at the Eye Specialist, and I'm actually typing this with blurred eyes.one because of the freezing drops in them, and the other because of tears...but good tears, happy tears because he no longer hss to figure out who is who..
Now my memories go back to the days when he and I celebrated his birthdays in so many fun ways...with the family, or just the two of us, with the grandchildren, always sharing his special cake - his fave was Boston Cream Pie, really a layer cake with custard in the middle and chocolate on top...
We would also go out to various activities that happened at the time of his birthday..here is an excerpt from my journal of 1993 - at that time I was working and Mac would have been
"bought a card for Mac, normally we don't buy each other a card, just gifts..but couldn't resist, the picture on it is perfect trilliums..he loves them..and he loved the card.didn't like the waitresses singing Happy Birthday at Il Vicino, but he put up with it...actually smiled, ha.Right now it's blowing snowing and freezing, I'm in a nice warm bed with a nice warm husband, whoopee"
Well that was 1993, he was 63, we had many many birthdays like that..so I'm not a basket case today, maybe because a good friend of the family died last week, he was only 50 years old..so I'm grateful for the lovely life we had together hmmm I do have teary eyes so...g'nite.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)