Today I invited a woman recommended to me as one who could stay with mac ....of course when i'm gone ...this is so important as yesterdays outing for me was such a disaster when i returned home...hopefully i can kind of have this woman with us visiting, and just hanging out till she becomes someone he can kind of know...She and i were talking about the old days and surprise she knew some of mac's old crowd, so this was already a PLUS...although she was not from St. Henri, she stayed with her cousins on Agnes St. the very street where Mac was born...
Of course, what could be better, he was really happy - so while we drank tea and chatted, he joined us with his memories, or what few he has left of those days...and added I'd love to see my own family, which he often refers to..and also like to see. his wife, he hadn't seen her - he'd love to see her too. Well when i said hey mac, that's me, he said, no way you are a boy...o.k. - hello, that's a first. But in any case i cleared that up, and Celia the woman that was here, just took this all very calmly and said, remember don't take that personally...i said no; i know it's the disease. We continuoed to talk, and Mac was so open, he told us, he was really frightened many times as he knew that if he were put down on Agnes, or laporte where he used to live he may not know how to get around any more..or maybe he would, but for sure if he was to step outside here ...he would be lost....maybe in St. Henri, yes maybe there he would know ...
We reassured him that i would always be there, or whoever was with him would be trustworthy and be able to make sure he was not going to be lost...Then he continued to say he would love to see his own family, as i was not his family and so i decided time to take out his book, Gaye made for him, showing his own children...but he stopped us and said, no he was talking about HIS family, which we both didn't know...but finally he did look in the book and there was his own family as well...so he relaxed for a time...and strange after Celia left...he turned to me and said gee i really apologize i know your my wife, and its important that you never leave me...
well it is a strange disease, and it can make one wonder - is he playing a game, and of course he is not...why i know or feel i know this is i know people whose spouses have the big A. and they get depressed precisely because they have gone through this and feel their partner is trying to hurt them....NOT SO, we have had these kind of conversations with mac over a period of years - off and on - don't know what triggers them, but it's not planned by him to hurt anyone's feelings..anyway, i was not hurt but sad for him...just think how awful to live where one doesn't know - is this my home?, where is my home? is this a train,? am i with my wife...?????
So right now he is listening happily to jazz - it's time to give him his meds.and make sure his wife kisses him good night ..so g'nite to you too.
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