We're brushing our teeth, when Mac says 'i'm really confused...because why??I, ask....Well he says, what side are we on ...this side i reply...then i ask, 'what do you mean, this side of the building this side of our apartment, just what do you mean,...Well don't we go to the other side?mac asks.. If you mean of this building, yes there are two sides, we go to the other side if we eat in the dining room, maybe that is what you mean. Well maybe that's what I mean - he answers...So i try to explain, This building is made up of two towers, the dining room is in tower A. We are in tower B...is that clear now Mac?? Not really...
So i go on to say, look we are together, you are with me...you don't go anywhere else...we are married and so don't worry, you stay with me..Well hurrah that helps - then he is worried about his shoes, they should be with him in the bedroom, he is wearing slippers, and seems most unhappy about that. Since this bothered him in the middle of the night two nights now..decided hey what the heck his shoes don't have to be near the front door they can go in the bedroom, so i moved them there..he looks at the poor worn out shoes contentedly and says, good i want my shoes there...
All this conversation reminds me of our conversation, the three ladies from our support group and myself had today..I mentioned to them that one of the resident's died last week - his wife wrote to me to say she was happy in a way that she would not have to see further deterioration...they agreed that would be a godsend, two had mothers with alzheimers the other and myself - our husbands with this awful illness..i said, maybe I'm being selfish, but i can't stand to think of not having my husband - no matter what. Think one said, how awful it is for them when they realize they are mixed up, don't know what's going on, and become frightened and sad...
This is the dilemma for sure...i hate to see mac crying or sad because of his condition,as for sure this happens - but just today, if he said 'it's so beautiful once he said it twenty times...and i agreed - the sun shining, the lake sparkling, he and I walking hand in hand and enjoying the scene, checking out the little boy running with his dog and all the other sights we enjoy, the Sikh man so tall and even taller with his high turban, we wait when he sits down, as we know he will put his feet up and take off his shoes...he does this every time we see him, I remember, but it is always a first for mac and since so many things are a first for him, it's like looking at the world with someone visiting for the first time.
I think i said to my little group, as long as we're both for the most part happy together, i weigh the situation, i cry silently to see his struggle to do things, i.e. get up from a chair..take small little steps early before we really get going...try to get his ideas across then giving up and saying oh to hell with it...saying - no one cares no one ever calls for me, all my friends are gone...i'm just dumb, i'm stupid..i'm a dolt...don't know who i am...yes these are not happy times for sure..but i get a bigger cry - silently - if that's possible to think of being without him...and it's clear that he is for the most part happy with me, and hopefully he is not pretending, i think that would be impossible to pretend all the time so maybe it's selfish..but i am happy to be going to bed now and to be hugging Mac...so g'nite.
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