Friday, November 30, 2012 We go to bed here...

As mentioned before Mac seems to be on a fairly good plateau, by this I mean, during the day he is on target, knows where the various rooms are, where to put away items, and although he is unable to get his own clothes he knows what he needs.  His conversation is fine and although he cannot follow the news anymore, he can if i break it down in small clumps.  Evenings though are still where he has that sundown syndrome not every day, but most days, as tonight he stood in the bedroom looking at the bed as if he had never seen it before, and said, we go to bed here?  

Since he still is a good person for jokes, and at times quick come backs, most people unless they already know, do not realize just how limited his memory is, and how much he is trying to fathom.  Last night we had a couple over and although he now speaks slowly, and at times loses his words, he was able to communicate his thoughts and give us a couple of good laughs...but of course this is not always the case, at other times he can sit with his eyes closed and just drift away. 

My main concern now is his physical condition, i've been a nervous wreck watching him go down stairs, or up, getting in and out of bed,  or using the bathroom.  So it was a rather neat surprise to get a grab bar from our handy man, apparently an acquaintance here in Chat was throwing out a brand new one still in it's container, he quickly spoke up to ask if he could give it to us.. She was happy to do so, it is neat and i think we will be able to use it in the downstairs bathroom.  now we have two in the upstairs bath...one out on the balcony near the two steps...and one that will be put on the stairwell ...the only other concern in this is that his two arms ache and his strength to hang on is very poor. 

One other postive note, we have a lovely new Social Worker, she actually keeps in touch and is following through on all the points we have discussed. i.e. seat with handbars for the upstairs toilet...a day out with others like mac...during the week, a trained man to come to help him with bathing, at first Mac protested, but when i said choose which do you want a man or woman, he said a man, this will help as i'm nervous for him getting in and out of the bath for a shower...a form for the doctor to sign for legal items...and probably a couple of other things i've forgotten but she has not..One of the things i love is she said to Mac after a few questions, which instead of using a paper and pen and doing it officially she acts as if she is genuinely interested and its part of a conversation...she looked up and said...Wow mac you have the bluest eyes...that although he hears it often and acts like,,,what the hell what do blue eyes have to do with anything....i could tell he was pleased, as was i when she looked at an old picture of Mac playing Lacrosse, and said, to me,  'hey, you hit the jackpot when you were young.  And she is so right.

Friday, November 30,2012 We go to bed here ?

Monday, November 26, 2012 This is Great....

Well my blog got lost in space, AGAIN, after i described how wonderful it was for Mac to have this great chair

Glenna came in one day several months ago with two surprises  a bath chair and a cane....the bathchair he uses,  the cane sits in the corner.  

 

BUT...She just surprised us again, came in with a fantastic chair, which she got a few years ago from my good friend Dale...dale's parents both had the A...her dad bought it for her mom and after several yrs he then needed the chair...she had been placed.  anyway, they are both gone now, but the fact that Glenna had a terrible bad back - so  Dale give the chair to Glenna, who is now fine...and the chair forgotten in her basement until a few days ago she got the inspiration to bring it to mac.  Well long story short...Mac loves this chair which when he presses a button takes him into sleep mode...presses another it brings him upright to sitting, and then wow right up to standing position...He just loves the amazing chair. 

 

So apart from us all enjoying his chair...(the one real contender for it is Mischa our brat cat, ha). was the fun of seeing and hearing our daughter in law Jane singing along with 95 or so other McGill Choir members, the wonderful Bach Magnificat...and in the second half of the concert..was for me to hear and see my sweet MAC, singing the chorus of Glor ooooh ria in Excelsis Deo...and Deck The Halls...t'was lovely...

 

There has not been any Sun Down Syndrome activities these past few days, and he is getting over his cold... today we actually went for a walk, and all we could say was Cold but BEAUTIFUL, and so it is....g'nite.

 

 

 

Thursday, November 22, 2012....I'm fine, I'll stay home

After a horrible night of listening to Mac cough his lungs out and groan about his sore arm and sore shoulder, decided to phone infosante...before I forget, that's 811 for those in Quebec, and let me tell you the nurses there are absolutely the best.  It was about 3;00a.m. Mac had been moaning since 2;00 am. or so ...when i finally decided that yes it's great that I'm here but I'm not making things better.  Mac must have said 50 times or more how wonderful that i was there, and hallelujah, he couldn't believe Janet was with him in his agony..but Janet was beginning to be more than nervous...was this man having a heart attack with his sore shoulder, neck, arm..etc.  That's when i said, that's it, i'm calling Info Sante...

The nurse was so good,  listened, asked the right questions, and finally suggested I call 911 and get him to a hospital where they could make a complete diagnosis..when I told Mac, he said, I'm fine I'll stay home...after groaning myself, and explaining, we were calling about him, not ME...I told the nurse he won't go, is there something i can do, besides wait and see if he gets worse... She suggested cold compress on his left shoulder and neck.  So hung up, ran and got a bag of frozen corn, wrapped it in a soft towel and placed it on his shoulder.   That's better he said, and then i gave him a strong tylenol, she said that would be o.k. as well...and finally he went to sleep, of course i stayed awake to make sure ....till we got up..

The nurse also suggested I get him to his doc...so in the morning after I got the clothes out of the dryer, finding i had absentmindedly thrown the frozen bag of corn in with the wash...cleaning things up, i called not only the doc, but the social worker from the CLSC who was supposed to be on our case for over 2 mos now...The end result is the social worker came, gave me all kinds of great ideas for making this house more friendly, for Mac, that is, a special seat on the toilets...a kind of pole by his bed so he can get up easier, a special seat for the bath so he can sit his way into the bath...(haven't seen that but anyway)...possibly a walker, that's a laugh, he won't use a cane, but on she went...She found him to be so on target, till she found out that he didn't know what day it was , time or place...but he is so good in the moment, as i've mentioned.  I'm not allowed to help him out of his chair, it's good exercise for him to do it himself..and to make sure, i have to mention all this to the doc...We will be at the doc's walk in clinic at 8;00 a.m. with a few quesstions and hopefully get some answers...

Maybe even get something other than a pill for my swollen knee - hopefully a referral to a bone specialist or perhaps an x-ray...when i mentioned this to Mac, he said, right  you go to the doc tomorrow, i'm fine i'll stay home....oh sure - like that's going to happen.....g'nite.

Tuesday, November 20,2012 Go to Bed it's time

Tonight we had a discussion on when it is time for bed.   Mac said, if you  have done all the things you wanted  to do, then that's it, time for bed, so go to bed it's time.  Well, what about relaxing time, reading, or watching t.v. answering emails, i replied.  No that's not what you should do - there must be someone who sets the rule.   No at our age, we set our own rules, and i go to bed at 10;30...so i can do some other stuff besides, dishes, wash, sweeping, ironing etc.  Well i'm tired said mac so i'm going to bed.  And so he did at 8;30 he was tucked in - cat beside him and happy to be in bed.  Every night i have to do various things before he goes, - i.e. wash him, make sure he brushes his teeth, help him to undress etc, give him his eyedrops, his pill, his patch....usually we end up he's not in bed till 10;30, but tonight i'm happy he is there - he has a bad cold, and i'm sure he needs to be asleep and he is....

We have noticed that he is not walking as well, wobbly, I spoke to a friend who is a nurse, she said it could be the combination of the alzheimers and his bad cold...so we'll see when the cold ends. but definitely his stamina for the cold weather, the walking and staying up, is  dwindling down...We are still in the process of waiting for the CLSC to provide us with a person to give him a bath,give us an extra 4 hours of free time and  in the meantime, i'm doing the shower for him , but it's kind of messy, and can be a bit of a problem...again my nurse friend suggested a good idea.  a bed bath, why didn't i think of that.  Will give it a try, perhaps others have done this, but it's just a matter of having him stay on a warm big towel, on the bed - and bring in a basin with warm water soap and facecloth and another big towel...that's the next thing i will do this way he can be able to have a bath perhaps every second night. 

Today had some friends in and their questions as to how we manage made me realize that many think that the person with A. is always away in their own dream land.  Actually in mac's case he talks about the day, and the here and now  ...and so conversation is definitely there.  one person's mother had A. and she said it's as if they are in a fog, and now and again the fog lifts and they say a few words, sometimes on target.  Well perhaps that will happen, but it's not happening now.  I think one has to engage the person - if we walk and or sit and i don't say anything, then perhaps mac will do likewise, but if we just talk - in the present - then he is there....last night during the night when i was helping him back to bed after going to the toilet...he said - don't ever go and leave me behind eh?   I said, 'no mac, I won't.  i pray i will never have to..  g'nite.

Friday, November 16, 2012 I exist therefore I am...

Cogito ergo sum  or   I think therefore I am    philosophr Rene Descarte, this was something Mac used to say this in  the distant past, with a smile, but this morning before we even got out of bed - he was saying  -'just how and why am i like this...and then how did I get here - the where the how the who the when,  and then he kind of laughed and said, "I guess I exist therefore I am...I said, 'you're pretty profound first thing in  the morning.  he continued wih no eally it would be goiod to tak to somebody who knows...Everything is a blank, but i'm glad I'm able to be here, but where and whiy elude me  and like what did I do before I got in bed, or what did I do yesterday.  Well I almost hated to say it in such a philosophical discussion but I did, 'We went out for groceries"...oh yes?  Well i still know who I am he said, then ..i said, o.k. who am I   answered Mac, you are Janet..and you are i added, Gordon he said. 

Should make it clear here that he is also at times having problems talking and at times he was  stuttering or talking very slowly, and getting  frustrated trying to find the words or the thoughts he had and spending  time searching for the words  and also searching  his mind for the life he had - and so he continued to try and piece out his thoughts, then all of a sudden he said, enough thinking or philosopy on the when and how of it, if i don't get up, i'll flood the bed...we both laughed ..and he carefully tried to get out of bed, this is a problem as well.

So it was on to a shower, breakfast and a fairly good day, although he has a cold now, perhaps caught it from  our sweet great granbaby, who visited tonight, and there they were both coughing ,,  but happy.  And on this note,I will say that I'm only going to be blogging once or twice a week from now on.  i will update as we go through the different stages...that is, if i can.  I have found that before each stage I wonder if I can adjust, can I handle that problem can i continue to be positive.. so far in each stage we have adjusted to the changes and i'm always content when I'm with him...but have to be realistic about the future.. right now it's back to Mac and the  evening news..g'nite.

Thursday, November 15, 2012 I haven't got any money to pay

We woke up this morning after a fairly good night's sleep, both only having to get up once, that for us is remarkable, so understandably, Mac was anxious to go to the loo...well, he walked to the hall and just stood there.  I said, well you go first, he answered, where?   I said to the bathroom, you go first, he answered, i haven't got any money to pay for that...'   Well since we were both kind of half asleep, I did a double take and said, you don't need money,'   he looked at me and it was really funny, with a kind of condescending look at a person who is rather low in intelligence...and said, 'comon now, of course you have to pay for this"   Well i just said very firmly, "mac, you don't have to pay, just go', and he went and from then on it was if nothing had happened out of the ordinary...on to the morning - feeding our cat and fishes and feeding ourselves and doing our usual morning stuff...but I've been wondering if it was just part of his waking up fom a dream, but it was rather off putting, and then later, i found it rather funny...

Tonight he said, 'some people have problem with their brains - i know they get mixed up....i said well, you have a memory problem, he said, "yes i know but it's not bad",  I said as long as we live in the moment, it's fine, he said, that's right, so i really don't have a problem...well I let that pass, as he really has enough to worry about living in the moment, so not about to make his life any harder...Just 5 minutes ago he asked where I'd go to sleep, and of course this is a common question at night and i answered - the usual place, our bed, in our bedroom,   - o.k. said mac, that's true, right in that room there...right i said, just where you will sleep too. 

In any case as long as he has happy memories i'm happy too, and tonight we found out that St. Henri, where he has the happiest memories now...are having an exhibit at the Fire Station where they have a historical society room, it is  the Kids of St. Henri. in the distant past -  we are going to check this out, and hopefully get to go to the exhibit..This made his evening very exciting, and so it goes...

Will keep you posted - g'nite

Wednesday, November 14, 2012 I'm fine - where's my wife?

Well two events of note happened today, one not so pleasant the other very very pleasant...I'll start with the unpleasant one...although it started and ended well.  We, Mac and I did our usual walk along the river - this time we were to meet our friend Rachel for lunch at Rigoletto, and on the way of course we enjoyed the scenery in fact it was perfect...sun, birds, tiny fluffy clouds, - we even found a very furry kind of mans pilot hat - which we gave to the owner of the restaurant on the corner just  in case someone comes looking for it..

Anyway, we finally got to Rigoletto, and without thinking I walked in, Mac following behind, and suddenly i heard a big OOOH  turned to see poor Mac flat on the floor on his face, quickly the woman behind him lifted his head and said - are you alright, don't get up..(just for her info he couldn't even if he wanted to- but i digress).  He answered I'm fine, but where's my wife,  i said,  here I am - what happened, -well he tripped over the door stop . Later the waitress said the woman who helped him so much also was kind of rushing in behind him and put him off balance..but since i didn't see it - who knows, he is definitely a shaky walker,  and has visual perception problems and so probably didn't see the kind of raised step at the door.  In any case he used his smarts from cc skiing days, and turned over got on his knees and with the help of a chair, the lady behind and the waitress and I he was able to get to our table, and finally enjoy a great lunch...though he was more than normally quiet...no surprise there.

Earlier though, was the really pleasant part of the day..it happened when we received the mail this morning.  Our friend Carolyn sent us terrific pictures she had taken in St. Henri.  He was so thrilled particularly with one where his smiling face is right in front of the St. Henri Fire Station, another he and I are pointing up a street and in another we are walking through his favourite park...and so on.  I phoned Carolyn and said  after thanking her so much, well wait, Mac will thank you too.  Gave the phone to Mac, and he proceeded to tell her with so much emotion, how much he loved the pictures - and then I heard him say - are you there?  and he gave me the phone...Well she was there and it was the most touching moment, as the three of us realized that for sure he remembered, we were all pretty teary eyed, as Mac said, I remember the pictures are so good, so thank you so much.  

Well the day progressed from walking back along the river to our car, we relived the photos rather than the fall, and by now it's long gone from Mac's memory, in fact when I said we should have a light dinner as we had a very full lunch, he said, we did, what did we have?   He couldn't remember Rigoletto's, but he did say, hey where are those pictures, want to look at St. Henri...for him for sure, those were the days my friends.
so there you are this day has ended, g'nite.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012 Where is everybody?

Sundown syndrome, is what we discussed today - that is our support group discussed the real syndrome that seems to happen just after  six or seven o'clock...in Mac's case as in others  they seem to think there should be more  people  in the house.   Tonight mac asked - where is everybody?  When i asked - who is everybody, he said 'isn't there others here'   i replied no..it's just us the cat and the fishes...same old story same old answer.  As i've mentioned before he has to check the rooms and make sure.  We also go through the same questions and answers, but tonight I decided to try to head him off, by stating, these are all the rooms in the house up here, bedrooms, t.v. room,  office...and then as a clincher I said and just ME..so how about a kiss...he laughed and said, o.k. have you got a dollar.  Well his sense of humour is still there, anyway, i got the kiss and he happily went to watch t.v.  that is for now...

The support group also discussed the real problem for many - which is when and how to decide to move, it was agreed that one must put the name on the list in case of emergencies, when and who decides when a loved one is too far gone and should be looked after by professionals.  We think when the person cannot walk, in other cases, it was when the person could not express his needs, for others when the person is incontinent...

one of the people at the group has a book called Alzheimer's for Dummies.  She read out different ideas from which we could all benefit.  One of which is a kind of no brainer, but none of us do it ---which  is take time to do something just for ourselves..i.e. do not answer emails (do not do finances, return phone calls, check bankbooks call dentists ) or in my case write a blog...just do something for myself...in my case I think i'd like to just read a book for a whole half hour...actually I do that, but it's when i'm in bed, but usually i'm very concious of how Mac is breathing, is he o.k. is he covered and so on. 

We as a group feel pressured to reassure our loved one and make sure he or she is o.k. constantly, we know how much they are missing but we should have a life too...Well for one this is very difficult  In any case, just getting together with this group once a month is great and I always feel so much better after this day - not alone, but with people who know and experience the same problems some more so than others, but we all know what is coming, and that is where we really need each other.

It is wonderful that i can just leave now without a problem, Mac knows Helen and is quite content and says goodbye easily, and hello when i return...sometimes a little forlorn, or sadly, but most times quite content.

 As this is also to do with Mac's memories, I should say he wishes he could meet some Mcconnells to go over the memory of living in St. Henri,  he also wishes he could see his mother...but I was humming a song, melody d'amour...then it reminded me that Leslie when he was  little boy used to sing that as Melody Gilmore, and I mentioned that to Mac, we both laughed as he remembered  Rev. Gilmore, the minister from our earliest days, in fact he married us.  That led to a good segment which i think i will continue...don't know if i mentioned I read poetry to him... Well the segment is the story of a boy named Mac, i started it with Once upon a time,  mac had his eyes closed as I said the story, so thought oh - he's not listening, but when I said, and he called this girl - janet - a bag...he laughed, and so he was listening...so the story will continue, and so will this blog...g'nite.

Monday, November 12, 2012 Where do you sleep..?

This will have to be a short one - i find that at this time Mac gets totally bored with the news, and wonders what it's all about...  most of the time he hasn't got a clue unless it's about one person i.e. a child especially or one person.  All the talk about the election leaves him cold.  The rememberance day service in Ottawa he found interesting, especially since the camera zeroed in on children and of course the vets.

Tonight as usual he is kind of off ...wandering around the house, making sure all the lights are off - then asking me where do you sleep, where do I sleep...so I've just shown him where and he has checked which side of the bed he sleeps in, and seems content for now.  

Today on our walk he said how sad it is that he cannot remember anything, and that to him we have been away from each other for so long.   I kind of hate to repeat that we've been married 60 years so I am now just saying, well time goes so fast, and it does seem like we have been away...in any case it's a great day and who would believe this weather in November.  He wondered if there were any McConnells left that would remember him, so i steered away from that one, and reminded him that Les dropped by for a few minutes yesterday, and he is a McConnell, as is his son Jacob.  He then remembered his mom, and how sad it is that she is no longer in St. Henri..

I can really feel for him as it is such a struggle to understand, and make sense of what is going on when one doesn't remember from even at times 10 minutes before.  He does enjoy watching me bake, cook supper, and discuss food, and what we like to eat...I'm trying to get him interested in home movies again, tonight we watched old movies made by Glen Swan, son in law of my sister Ellen, there we saw our nephew Greg as a little baby...our son Les at about 4 and Gaye when she was only one year old.  Usually he is not keen - but he was interested and said, we should get a group together to watch..but this can change, but may try that when we have the family here. 

On a positive note, he enjoyed the sun, and watched it come and go - mostly it was there and that made his day...so g'nite

Friday, November 9, 2012 Sandbags, sham bags, I'm not going

One of the important things for those who have Alzheimers - or i think it is  - is to have a set routine, maybe not for the whole week  or even for the whole day. but  a feeling of contentment can be good for everyone involved when one knows just what and where we are doing whatever.

Many mornings, Mac will say, 'what's on the menu', or what's on our adgenda ...and Friday is when, we always do one part of our routine, which is have  shower...That has to be spoken about the night before , the morning when we wake up, and perhaps at least 3 x before we actually have the shower.  So then we can have the shower with no side effects, that is, cranky looks and muttering, actually it's usally quite fun, and except for the cold after the shower Mac is usually happy and looks great- and we're both nice and clean - a good feeling.  Actually we usually have quite a bit of fun, with this and laughter is part of the plan

Another thing that goes with Fridays is Sandbags, we play that game at the Seniors Club...and it so happens that I am a terrible sandbagger and Mac is not too much better.  This is important thought as it gives us social life with others than the family, plus Mac desperately needs to do exercise - his arms are very weak in fact mine are getting stronger from pulling up from chairs and helping him out of the car.  But today he said Sandbags, sham bags  i'm  not going...but attitude is everything...(my attitude)  so I laughed at the way he said that and just ignored the fact that he didn't want to go.  We went to the store first and then on the way home just drove right into the Church  parking lot - where we go for Sandbags,  and just as if he knew all along we were going, we just walked in happily - and no problem.   In fact when they announced the Turkey dinner party for Christmas, i mentioned that we would go...expecting some negative feedback. but no...he was all for it, so there it is..be positive and positive vibes usually follow.

BUT, right now as is the case most evenings,  Mac is feeling lost, and where are we and who will give us a ticket, and when do we leave...i have stopped writing this blog about 5 times now..to show him the cat is in, to fix the t.v., - to show him where the bathroom is, and to show where we will sleep, and so better go as he is asking agian, so goodnite....

Thursday, November 8, 2012 Where does the cat go?.

Just put the cat out for his last little jaunt around the back yard, of course he is on his leash.  Mac always let's me know when it's time for him to come in, which is just around now...9:10...and as usual before the cat goes out, Mac always says where does the cat go ...he means when the cat comes in.  I make it very clear, the cat has a last snack of the day...Mischa, snacks all day, i say, but anyway, he gets a special before bed...and then he has the whole basement to himself, and can sleep in any of the chairs or in his lovely basket on his nice warm red blanket.

At 10;00 when the news is over and the weather forecast is on, Mischa knows and up he comes to meow and let us  know the drill here. we feed him, and the fish and they go to bed.... and this is so good for Mac, and this sets Mac on his own schedule, to get ready for bed.   I realize how important it is for him as i had been thinking we should go to Fla.but Mac says no way and he is right. 

 

  I can't see us there, as  I can understand how Mac feels as he is often feeling so lost right here in his own home and has said  so.   In fact one of the things he said yesterday is i feel stranded somewhere and i just don't know where i am ...yet he knows the layout of the house, it is inside himself that he is lost, which is something he also says from time to time.   He doesn't have an anchor or feeling of security , so seeing some familiar things is what is important.  The cat, and now the fish, are in a way , kind of landmarks or important pieces of the puzzle of the life he now leads.

 

 

So as i said, he needs this to feel  secure and at home, so I'm off to bring Mischa in, then we'll watch the rest of the news...feed the cat   feed the fish   and then it's off to bed ...g'nite.

Wednesday November 7, 2012 The Caregiver???

Tomorrow we will drop in to a day for Caregivers at 55plus...this word has always bothered me, as I haven't changed my role, I am Mac's wife, so when i get someone in, like i did yesterday - a person who works for Alzheimer's Assoc.  she is a Caregiver.  I notice that when we or i go to a Support meeting, the leader usually calls us Caregivers...even thought we are wives, husbands, son's and daughters of people with Alzheimers, so i have kind of taken the word in my vocabulary, but it gets mixed with caretaker etc. as it hasn't really sunk in that I am that person. 

As I am that word, - Caregiver - I am in favour of the main word that we all have  when we do the caregiving and that is  LOVE...also as wife or family member it is difficult to have the separate kind of thinking. i.e. talking about the person as if they are a client.  This is what Caregivers who are paid, call the person they look after - their client - well Mac is not my client.  Even when we were at the Doctor's office, he said - 'i hope you are taking care of yourself', as caregiver it is a tiring role and you should have support"

Well that is true, but it is as a wife that i go to these groups, i guess it's the same but somehow I can't get my head around the term.  A Caregiver can be removed from the problem, and talk about the person kind of dispassionately, as in,  he is doing very well,  he remembered where we went today  ...good for him he did the dishes, or whatever. 

 For me, today, was fine we went on our walk, but i think it will be the last time we go on both sides of the river.   I can see how going up the stairs of the train bridge is almost too dangerous, he was tired and almost tripped...the railings are large and there is space between the stairs etc.  As a caregiver i think i would be able to say these things and know - well that's the way it goes.. slowly  but surely he is losing his balance etc.  BUT  as his wife, it is so hard, this is where we enjoy life, looking at the river from the bridge height,  enjoying the scene from that level etc. but knowing that he cannot do this anymore is for me heartbreaking...so in some ways i wish i could say, I'm a caregiver. 

On the other hand, a caregiver comes does the work, spots the problems, decides how to find solutions, and then follows the solutions.  For the wife - husband - daughter - son ...the problem is spotted, the solutions are found if they can be found, and certainly they will try to follow the solutions, but this is where the support people help...we are there for each other , we know how hard it is to see our mate, parent, in this kind of situation..we know that it can tear us apart inside...and this is why it is so hard to say 'i am a caregiver' as i am so much more than that...and i'm so thankful, because as the wife  i can follow the solution but i can still hug  and kiss and LOVE the man, as he is not my client how great that is.  -  g'nite.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012 Where were you!

Today I travelled by train to ottawa.  My wonderful eye specialist - head of the eye institute at Ottawa General has been my eye man since the early seventies when he was practicing in Monteal- so faithfully every six months - there I am in Ottawa.  These trips, up until now, have been such a fun excursons for both Mac and I.  Even though a couple of the times when we were there the appointments included eye operations where we had to stay on the hospital campus for a few days, we managed to make it if not exactly fun, it would be a nice change.

Our dates there have included staying in B & B's, visiting friends, the fab national museum, shopping at Domos when it was a terrific store, going to old book stores etc. etc.

In the last few years though our good friends Ivor and Joan have been there at the station to meet and greet  us - drive us to our appoiintment wait for us and then we would go out for a super lunch to one or another of the many good restaurants in ottawa.  Today was no exception, although sad to say one of the seats at our table was empty...Mac no longer is able to make the trip.  This is sad, as I remember in the earlier years, we often noticed t.v. personalities such as Laurier La Pierre, Patrick Watson, and various members of parliament, sometimes we just acknowledged them by a look, other times though we did get to actually meet them.  Mac always had such interesting conversations, particularly if the person was in the political arena.. t'was a wonderful learning experience

As we age, of course so do our friends, my childhood friend, jean, who I reconnected with in those visits has passed on, as has the husbands of two others, others are going through post surgery and so it goes.  Sitting in the train I remembered the wonderful days and today was so different without Mac.  In fact he can't believe how I can possibly want to go all the way to Ottawa for an eye specialist.   Mac  used to be such an avid train traveller, especially since he worked for CN and always a train person, commenting on the different trains, tracks, and of course the scenery or checking the route, as well as the gazette , so with a huge hollow in my being, and a lump in my throat I went on to my Dr. Jackson, the eye specialist...

When I returned home the first words he said were...WHERE WERE YOU ??  Of course he had been told several times where and why, but that's the way it is now.  But, I'm still happy because he missed me too.  So g'nite.

Monday, November 5, 2012 I've been Dreaming....

Woke up to a sunny day, and although it changed later, it gave us a lift for sure to see the sun this morning.  Mac said, I've been dreaming, it's been dream dream dream all night.  My dreams are such that now I'm wondering, where am I ...I answered   384 Montcalm that's where we live, right here in Chateauguay, so how were your dreams, were they good dreams'...  Well yes and no, I dreamt I was in St. Henri, but I'm not so that's not so good.  I was happy in St. Henri.  Well, we were in St. Henri, do you remember we were there.?  Surprise, he answered this,  yes, I remember I went into the house I lived in, the man was very nice he took us all around my old house.  That's right, it was a few days ago, I'm so happy you remembered.  

he went on to say he remembered that he used to have a candy type of store that was not too far - just around the corner. He continued saying -  A kind of depanneur and they had delivery.  The boy used to come on his bike, my mother could phone and ask to have several scoops of icecream and imagine they would deliver it to us.  Wow, i was thrilled to hear this and it's true, i remember his mom told me that she used to just sometimes ask for two scoops of icecream it would be delivered...So happy memories for Mac this morning. 

Although, he got a bit sad as he was getting dressed, saying, 'how did i get here?  Well i went through the routine of when and how we got together and i said, we're old now you know.  That's why it's not so easy to remember where we are and so on, you are an old man now and I am an old lady...but I'm glad you are my old man, and he said, "so am i, and I'm glad you are  my old lady...and we had a great laugh and hug, and with that he said "who is that man who likes to help us.  I said, do you mean Leslie, Yes, that's the man, he seems to be a nice guy'..  i said of course he is because leslie is our SON.  He will be coming this week to see us.  Oh said Mac, that's good, why..  Well he is our financial planner...i almost thought i made a booboo there and we would be off and running on the subject of his pension.  happily no...he just wanted to check his wallet and then go for breakfast. 

The day continued quite nicely, except that although yesterday we marched around in the cold for one hour and a half, after getting our flu shots...today we walked for two blocks and Mac said...too cold let's go home and so we did...after first picking up pictures of him in St. henri, talking to the man who showed us around mac's old home....and so it goes...

I think that i should perhaps make a list of all the fun things that do happen in our day so that the family, friends and others who read the blog do not get too sad..in fact i have a couple who say they have to stop reading it makes them too upset.  Well sorry but that's part of the scenariio, but i will try for others who are going through this to perhaps use some of our ideas for their own problem.  BUT it is Mac's memories and so perhaps if I add a few of mine to his, it may make for lighter reading...so for now, g'nite.

Monday, November 5, 2012 testing, testing, testing.

just want to see if this goes through as two mondays it has been sent to cyber space after i'm not on for the weekend.   Soooo will continue in another blog

Friday, November 2, 2012 Where is janet mcconnell

A good day to stay in, but we managed a short walk from the parking lot behind the library to IGA and another couple of stores..the rain and the damp cold air giving us our usual conversation about should we go to Florida for the real cold days, that is MY usual comment, and Mac's usual answer, "no way, we'll just stay indoors."  So even if we're not going, it's fun to consider it, talk about it, and give us conversation - as I go on to say how fun it is to walk on a beach, and then to see how  Mac can find good reasons to walk in the snow.  Actually once we get going we start remembering how great it is to see sun on snow, and so on...but as I notice how hard it is for Mac to walk these days - every day he seems to get slower and of course going up and down curbs, crossing streets, are all a challenge in bad weather...So think i'll start a routine going for some kind of exercise in the house...i've already noticed we're putting on a couple of pounds sitting around, and eating.

As the day progressed his mind as usual starts to fade and he starts to forget who is who...so as we were
 getting ready to go to our daughter Valerie's for dinner, he said 'where is janet mcconnell'..  I put up my hand and said, here I am  ...oh yes you are not that Janet...i'm thinking of my sister.  i said Mac your sisters are no longer with us..my sister is no longer with us...we have our family now...I'm Janet your wife... we're going to visit Valerie your daughter and Brianna your grandaughter is coming with - and then he said of course she is coming with the BABY, well thankfully we have this BABY she is darling Finley, and then we're off and running about how cute she is...And so it goes, with the baby he is on target, and can talk about her - and we love to look at pictures of Finley...strangely though he doesn't recognize himself, or anyone else or has no interest ...unless it's of himself as a youngster...and of course FINLEY.

This could of course depress me when it comes to not being recognized, but I have other more affirming moments, as last night in the middle of the night, he tapped me on the shoulder when he came back from our trip to the bathroom, and said.  "Jan it is you, eh??  "   I replied, "right on, it's me..and he hugged and kissed me and said.  "how wonderful..'  so how wonderful is that,  so g'nite.

Thursday, November 1, 2012 What is the function

A drizzley day but a good one to walk the mall, which we haven't done in quite awhile.  Mac noticed the stores that are now boarded up, and we discussed how and why these stores are closed ..then we wondered about the new stores that they are planning where the highway 30 is in Chateauguay.   In fact it was a great on-target conversation...which continued as we had lunch at our fav little restaurant on the river..

with the day in mind when we sat down to have a cup of tea, i said - 'looks like the new restaurant owner won't have too much trouble, they had a good amount of people in the place..Well we had just been there about 2 hours earlier..Mac's reply was, what restaurant...did we go to a restaurant"?  Well i went over what we had done in the day, he could not remember any of it.  He did of course remember that he had a pension, and we went through the same routine, when  why  how and now where do we get my money, and should we go to the bank.  This routine is so tiresome, but i managed to finally get him over that though i must admit to almost losing it when he said, "you don't have to raise your voice"..

So then the day went on, and he couldn't believe we didn't have supper already, and while we were eating he said, now let's get some things straight...what is the function of that person.   Function??  where did that come from..well as the evening went on, his thoughts were more and more confused, and he was thinking that my function was to put the cat to bed in some place on a hill.  That perhaps i should drive him home first.  So we had to have a little discussion on just what was what.. the discussion lasted through dinner and finally till 7;30..that was a two hour mixture of ideas i was beginning to feel like i was in a kind of guessing game...  Do you mean who puts the cat to bed...finally hit the right button  yes he said that is the function, but i added you are home I don't have to drive you.  oh that's good ....said mac rather doubtfullyu

So this reminded me that he said two days ago...'If I am on the side that doesn't know you as I think I haave been on another side and didn't know you for years...you must remind me that I know you and tell me we are always together on this side.  I kind of have the feeling that he is now on that other side..and as he is watching t.v. he will i hope know the routine, and if not i am going to try to remind him, we are together and
on this side...whatever the side, he is home and i'm hoping that he will be able to relax and sleep well...

I can see that more and more his memory is fading  and especially by evening...must try to find ways and means to help...i tried showing him some pics of himself, and the family, he said "don't show me pictures...i just have to go in to the bathroom and see my face in the mirror...and say to myself,  who is that old bastard ???  he said , I really don't look like myself.  i said you are handsome and still attract the girls, the yoga teacher said, wow what beautiful blue eyes you have.   of course he can't remember that...and just said, "when was that and anyway, she's nuts or she is not talking about me."  That happened this morning,  but of course this morning's activity is long gone.  So must join him and see if i can make him feel good about himself, so g'nite.