Those were Mac's words after hearing our real estate agent talk about selling or not selling our house...as actually the person who wants to buy our house is not offering enough $$$, so the deal will probably not go through...but when the agent left, Mac turned and said, 'i own a house??. I explained, that we do own a house - we are trying to sell it at this time..."Oh, said mac - that's news to me...' So i went into the fact that we did live in Chateauguay...well he connects with the word Chateauguay...and so he kind of got the message...
But, it was funny how it connected as we were going to the lake today, as usual we have to cross about 4 streets...when all the traffic stops for us at certain places - where there isn't a light...Mac is always impressed with the polite drivers..here...so I said, 'yes we're not in Chateauguay, where we never were able to do that...i.e. just step off the curb..and the traffic stops....so the next street same thing...all the cars stopped and we stepped on to the white stripes and walked...freely and safely, and mac said 'never did this for us in St. henri...' ...i laughed, as i can't even remember walking and worrying about crossing streets in St. Henri...but that's THE PLACE..so i just said; right, both the drivers in Chateauguay and St. Henri, are not as polite as the drivers in Lachine...no sooner said that and a driver swerved around the corner at the next street just as we were crossing...Mac just said his usual words...Hey there you B...!!! actually that was a real surprise as i think that's a first in Lachine.
We are though enjoying life and especially in this warm weather...here in Lachine, the people in the stores, the runners and walkers on the path by the lake, the people on the street as well as the cars all combine to be friendly ...and an added surprise was meeting a former student of mine...and being deaf we communicated in sign language...well surprise Mac remembered that I spoke sign language..and was quite comfortable but we both were taken aback by a Sikh man, who stood real close to us and watched the whole proceding..then wanted to know all about us..so this gave me the opportunity to ask, why Sikh people take their shoes off when they sit down by the lake....now mac and i know why..it's so they can Pray.. well that was interesting, as many Sikh pray 5 x a day...this man doesn't - he only prays twice a day...
later mac said ' i don't pray at all, i said, 'not to worry - I pray for both of us.. and so i do..g'nite...
Monday 30 September 2013
Thursday 26 September 2013
Thursday, September 26, 2013 I'm really confused....
We're brushing our teeth, when Mac says 'i'm really confused...because why??I, ask....Well he says, what side are we on ...this side i reply...then i ask, 'what do you mean, this side of the building this side of our apartment, just what do you mean,...Well don't we go to the other side?mac asks.. If you mean of this building, yes there are two sides, we go to the other side if we eat in the dining room, maybe that is what you mean. Well maybe that's what I mean - he answers...So i try to explain, This building is made up of two towers, the dining room is in tower A. We are in tower B...is that clear now Mac?? Not really...
So i go on to say, look we are together, you are with me...you don't go anywhere else...we are married and so don't worry, you stay with me..Well hurrah that helps - then he is worried about his shoes, they should be with him in the bedroom, he is wearing slippers, and seems most unhappy about that. Since this bothered him in the middle of the night two nights now..decided hey what the heck his shoes don't have to be near the front door they can go in the bedroom, so i moved them there..he looks at the poor worn out shoes contentedly and says, good i want my shoes there...
All this conversation reminds me of our conversation, the three ladies from our support group and myself had today..I mentioned to them that one of the resident's died last week - his wife wrote to me to say she was happy in a way that she would not have to see further deterioration...they agreed that would be a godsend, two had mothers with alzheimers the other and myself - our husbands with this awful illness..i said, maybe I'm being selfish, but i can't stand to think of not having my husband - no matter what. Think one said, how awful it is for them when they realize they are mixed up, don't know what's going on, and become frightened and sad...
This is the dilemma for sure...i hate to see mac crying or sad because of his condition,as for sure this happens - but just today, if he said 'it's so beautiful once he said it twenty times...and i agreed - the sun shining, the lake sparkling, he and I walking hand in hand and enjoying the scene, checking out the little boy running with his dog and all the other sights we enjoy, the Sikh man so tall and even taller with his high turban, we wait when he sits down, as we know he will put his feet up and take off his shoes...he does this every time we see him, I remember, but it is always a first for mac and since so many things are a first for him, it's like looking at the world with someone visiting for the first time.
I think i said to my little group, as long as we're both for the most part happy together, i weigh the situation, i cry silently to see his struggle to do things, i.e. get up from a chair..take small little steps early before we really get going...try to get his ideas across then giving up and saying oh to hell with it...saying - no one cares no one ever calls for me, all my friends are gone...i'm just dumb, i'm stupid..i'm a dolt...don't know who i am...yes these are not happy times for sure..but i get a bigger cry - silently - if that's possible to think of being without him...and it's clear that he is for the most part happy with me, and hopefully he is not pretending, i think that would be impossible to pretend all the time so maybe it's selfish..but i am happy to be going to bed now and to be hugging Mac...so g'nite.
So i go on to say, look we are together, you are with me...you don't go anywhere else...we are married and so don't worry, you stay with me..Well hurrah that helps - then he is worried about his shoes, they should be with him in the bedroom, he is wearing slippers, and seems most unhappy about that. Since this bothered him in the middle of the night two nights now..decided hey what the heck his shoes don't have to be near the front door they can go in the bedroom, so i moved them there..he looks at the poor worn out shoes contentedly and says, good i want my shoes there...
All this conversation reminds me of our conversation, the three ladies from our support group and myself had today..I mentioned to them that one of the resident's died last week - his wife wrote to me to say she was happy in a way that she would not have to see further deterioration...they agreed that would be a godsend, two had mothers with alzheimers the other and myself - our husbands with this awful illness..i said, maybe I'm being selfish, but i can't stand to think of not having my husband - no matter what. Think one said, how awful it is for them when they realize they are mixed up, don't know what's going on, and become frightened and sad...
This is the dilemma for sure...i hate to see mac crying or sad because of his condition,as for sure this happens - but just today, if he said 'it's so beautiful once he said it twenty times...and i agreed - the sun shining, the lake sparkling, he and I walking hand in hand and enjoying the scene, checking out the little boy running with his dog and all the other sights we enjoy, the Sikh man so tall and even taller with his high turban, we wait when he sits down, as we know he will put his feet up and take off his shoes...he does this every time we see him, I remember, but it is always a first for mac and since so many things are a first for him, it's like looking at the world with someone visiting for the first time.
I think i said to my little group, as long as we're both for the most part happy together, i weigh the situation, i cry silently to see his struggle to do things, i.e. get up from a chair..take small little steps early before we really get going...try to get his ideas across then giving up and saying oh to hell with it...saying - no one cares no one ever calls for me, all my friends are gone...i'm just dumb, i'm stupid..i'm a dolt...don't know who i am...yes these are not happy times for sure..but i get a bigger cry - silently - if that's possible to think of being without him...and it's clear that he is for the most part happy with me, and hopefully he is not pretending, i think that would be impossible to pretend all the time so maybe it's selfish..but i am happy to be going to bed now and to be hugging Mac...so g'nite.
Sunday 22 September 2013
Sunday, September 22, 2013 So how are you today???
Just want to put in some quick notes on this blog that make me feel good and positive...as we all know this disease does not improve, but yet.....since we have been here
1..episodes of nights of frantic yells, body jerks and insisting on going somewhere - who knows where?? have decreased in fact can't remember the last time, waking now only for the bathroom...
2, remembering to go the bathroom during the day, (though i must admit, i am doing most of the remembering here, but he also has improved in this regard
3. fewer episodes of Sundown Syndrome, so far approx. one or two times a week as compared with just about every night.
4. observing more than just the weather...pointing out constructiion - focussing on ball games and soccer and understanding the games to a degree...though the last soccer game was last wed. evening - so will try to find a substitute activity.
5. still starts the day with tiny little steps for walking, but improves much earlier in the day...walks and at times even tries to walk quickly
6. Continues to dry dishes, carry laundry to laundry room, keep track of house keys, helps to reach for items too high for me....
7. starts conversations with residents and seems to remember some of them personally...can go to the table we sit at in the dining room without my direction...this evening he sat down and turned to Alice, saying
So how are you today??? She said, Janet, tell Mac, I can't hear well, and I'm blind in my left eye...- mac said "I didn't hear you, how are you??/ so through this little comedy routine, i told him - she said she's fine....
We're walking two to three times a day..for two to three hours at a time this seems to be the best prescription as he sits and falls asleep in the house - so far no hobbies - hates t.v. writing reading looking at pictures...but .still likes to eat, . relates well to all the residents here - can't always tell who is a man or a woman though...and always says, boy I'm so glad you are a girl..well me too...
so music, news on t.v. for about 5 min, but seems to follow stories like 'the big bang' or at least watches for about 15 min..talking with residents and walking..enjoys phone calls .and of course sleeping and that's what he is doing now, so must join him, g'nite...
1..episodes of nights of frantic yells, body jerks and insisting on going somewhere - who knows where?? have decreased in fact can't remember the last time, waking now only for the bathroom...
2, remembering to go the bathroom during the day, (though i must admit, i am doing most of the remembering here, but he also has improved in this regard
3. fewer episodes of Sundown Syndrome, so far approx. one or two times a week as compared with just about every night.
4. observing more than just the weather...pointing out constructiion - focussing on ball games and soccer and understanding the games to a degree...though the last soccer game was last wed. evening - so will try to find a substitute activity.
5. still starts the day with tiny little steps for walking, but improves much earlier in the day...walks and at times even tries to walk quickly
6. Continues to dry dishes, carry laundry to laundry room, keep track of house keys, helps to reach for items too high for me....
7. starts conversations with residents and seems to remember some of them personally...can go to the table we sit at in the dining room without my direction...this evening he sat down and turned to Alice, saying
So how are you today??? She said, Janet, tell Mac, I can't hear well, and I'm blind in my left eye...- mac said "I didn't hear you, how are you??/ so through this little comedy routine, i told him - she said she's fine....
We're walking two to three times a day..for two to three hours at a time this seems to be the best prescription as he sits and falls asleep in the house - so far no hobbies - hates t.v. writing reading looking at pictures...but .still likes to eat, . relates well to all the residents here - can't always tell who is a man or a woman though...and always says, boy I'm so glad you are a girl..well me too...
so music, news on t.v. for about 5 min, but seems to follow stories like 'the big bang' or at least watches for about 15 min..talking with residents and walking..enjoys phone calls .and of course sleeping and that's what he is doing now, so must join him, g'nite...
Thursday 19 September 2013
Thursday, September 29, 2013 We live over there ....
The following is an exerpt from an email to a friend with the same, or almost same problem as i have only not only is her husband having memory problems, but she has a few health problems of her own...These days i seem to be hearing this over and over...so this is what i wrote.....
.so keep on keeping on, mac was up and down today, making my life the same..but we did get to the museum of fine arts, met a friend for lunch and another friend unintentionally later, it was such a pleasant surprise...but when we were home, mac was clearly disoriented and felt i was busy directing him around, and that's a no no...so wouldn't eat his nice steak dinner...which i prepared...that's the second meal he wouldn't eat this week....not too cool.
he was clearly not with it to such a degree that he had to be coaxed to go to our apt. for dinner in the first place, saying we don't live here we live over there....and then later wouldn't get ready for bed...etc etc..so thankfully tomorrow will be a quiet day here ...with walking at the lake in the sun on the agenda...so life i hope will be better.
i think how much i need my health and sanity, so i'm sure you feel the same,
met a lady yesterday whose husband has the big A as i call it, and she said she had been married for 60 years, 57 were great the last 3 though have kind of taken over and she says they have been pure 'hell' how depressing is that...i really want to stay positive..in fact i thought no use writing a blog, as i want to concentrate on the positives..therefore no need to write anything....but here i am again...but will see how perhaps i will scale it down to one episode a week....that should be enough, now to bed..g'nite.
Tuesday 17 September 2013
Tuesday, September 17, 2013 Is that the Forum???
Today we took our adaptatranspot (yippee) again - this time to Alzheimer's Cafe launch at the Atwater library...and since we were there earlier than the time it started, we did a llittle walk to St Catherine and along the street...and as i was pointing out the montreal Children's hospital, mac did a little double take and said, "is that the Forum?? Well how cool is that, he recognized a building and well he should as we spent or he spent lots of time i n there many years ago...it's changed but the location is still the place.
When we were at the super meeting, which was LAUGH THERAPY both of us saying how crazy - phony laughing, but we ended up meeting an old friend...and the three of us laughed our heads off...the exercises to do this are great, and i must say it put us all in a fine mood...our friend...Tristan, whose been away for the past 20 years in Vancouver mentioned how fun it was to see the Forum - etc again...and Mac remembered his days there. I did do a bit of prodding, but he remembered being stick boy for the Chicago Black hawks, also breaking in the player's new skates...for both the Black Hawks and the Rangers....what fun we had as Mac sailed back in his memory...
Even the long trip home as the driver had to bring two other clients to their doors, before us...we managed to drive through point st. charles, Verdun, lasalle, montreal west, and finally Lachine...I think Verdun should be called the Staircases of the World...so many outdoor winding stair cases, i just loved it...and we both kept pointing out places we hadn't seen in years....and places we'd never seen - wow montreal is interesting said Mac...and it surely is...
Tonight we learned about the plight of one of the residents here, almost unbelievable, but may be true, he is here to be looked after psychologically, and so he won't drink and not allowed more than 25 feet from the premises, he apparently had a terrible accident - (didn't say he hit anyone but???) drunk driving - and apparently since it was a first ...he is confined here for 6 months...will go home in 2..now.- mac was really interested in his story...i.e. the why he drank, he watched his mom die after a period of 7 mos...it is one of the few times i've seen mac take such a great interest in someone's story....
Then up to bed, a bit of t.v. for me, he never is interested, so now, g'nite.
When we were at the super meeting, which was LAUGH THERAPY both of us saying how crazy - phony laughing, but we ended up meeting an old friend...and the three of us laughed our heads off...the exercises to do this are great, and i must say it put us all in a fine mood...our friend...Tristan, whose been away for the past 20 years in Vancouver mentioned how fun it was to see the Forum - etc again...and Mac remembered his days there. I did do a bit of prodding, but he remembered being stick boy for the Chicago Black hawks, also breaking in the player's new skates...for both the Black Hawks and the Rangers....what fun we had as Mac sailed back in his memory...
Even the long trip home as the driver had to bring two other clients to their doors, before us...we managed to drive through point st. charles, Verdun, lasalle, montreal west, and finally Lachine...I think Verdun should be called the Staircases of the World...so many outdoor winding stair cases, i just loved it...and we both kept pointing out places we hadn't seen in years....and places we'd never seen - wow montreal is interesting said Mac...and it surely is...
Tonight we learned about the plight of one of the residents here, almost unbelievable, but may be true, he is here to be looked after psychologically, and so he won't drink and not allowed more than 25 feet from the premises, he apparently had a terrible accident - (didn't say he hit anyone but???) drunk driving - and apparently since it was a first ...he is confined here for 6 months...will go home in 2..now.- mac was really interested in his story...i.e. the why he drank, he watched his mom die after a period of 7 mos...it is one of the few times i've seen mac take such a great interest in someone's story....
Then up to bed, a bit of t.v. for me, he never is interested, so now, g'nite.
Sunday 15 September 2013
Sunday, September 15, 2013 There's a big place.....
This will be just a short blog, I want to make sure i remember just how much this residence we are in means to mac...Today he came with me INTO CHURCH, actually i was able to get him in as it was too cool to sit outside and wait...and another reason, no sermon, only the choir master teaching the congregation some new hymns or mass as he calls them...hmmm this is an Anglican church, so guess it's kind of Catholic, who knew...
In any case on the way home, we were walking and at times the wind was more than just fresh, in fact kind of chilly off the lake, but we were going at a more than the dwadling pace we usually go at...and no sitting down....it's a couple of km. so think he was getting tired , when i saw that there was an Art Exhibit in the Exhibition hall on the lake. So we entered in, it was super, three great artists...and i really enjoyed could go into detail but won't....but it was a longer walk, as we walked around the place and i was talking to the artists....so guess he was getting anci, and tired....so as we continued our route along the lake with the wind blowing and the waves lashing...he said...There's a big place, usually we go there...it's a big place... I thought he was talking about the point we sometimes walk out on to see how large the lake is from there....
he continued trying to describe it..then said ...all our people are there. then it dawned on me...he means 'home'... i said do you mean where we live...well how relaxed and happy his face became. yes i think so...it's where they know us...it's we go in and its all open...and then we seem to go up..i said, yes in an elevator...we're going there now..that's our home ....in a big place, where there are apartments...yes yes, let's go....and so we did...
into the front door, and there he was waving to the various resident's that were sitting around...saying hello to the receptionist...and happily heading for the elevators...I said, think you like your home...'well yes - for sure'
how nice...
In any case on the way home, we were walking and at times the wind was more than just fresh, in fact kind of chilly off the lake, but we were going at a more than the dwadling pace we usually go at...and no sitting down....it's a couple of km. so think he was getting tired , when i saw that there was an Art Exhibit in the Exhibition hall on the lake. So we entered in, it was super, three great artists...and i really enjoyed could go into detail but won't....but it was a longer walk, as we walked around the place and i was talking to the artists....so guess he was getting anci, and tired....so as we continued our route along the lake with the wind blowing and the waves lashing...he said...There's a big place, usually we go there...it's a big place... I thought he was talking about the point we sometimes walk out on to see how large the lake is from there....
he continued trying to describe it..then said ...all our people are there. then it dawned on me...he means 'home'... i said do you mean where we live...well how relaxed and happy his face became. yes i think so...it's where they know us...it's we go in and its all open...and then we seem to go up..i said, yes in an elevator...we're going there now..that's our home ....in a big place, where there are apartments...yes yes, let's go....and so we did...
into the front door, and there he was waving to the various resident's that were sitting around...saying hello to the receptionist...and happily heading for the elevators...I said, think you like your home...'well yes - for sure'
how nice...
Thursday 12 September 2013
Thursday, September 12, 2013....I'd love to see my own family...
Today I invited a woman recommended to me as one who could stay with mac ....of course when i'm gone ...this is so important as yesterdays outing for me was such a disaster when i returned home...hopefully i can kind of have this woman with us visiting, and just hanging out till she becomes someone he can kind of know...She and i were talking about the old days and surprise she knew some of mac's old crowd, so this was already a PLUS...although she was not from St. Henri, she stayed with her cousins on Agnes St. the very street where Mac was born...
Of course, what could be better, he was really happy - so while we drank tea and chatted, he joined us with his memories, or what few he has left of those days...and added I'd love to see my own family, which he often refers to..and also like to see. his wife, he hadn't seen her - he'd love to see her too. Well when i said hey mac, that's me, he said, no way you are a boy...o.k. - hello, that's a first. But in any case i cleared that up, and Celia the woman that was here, just took this all very calmly and said, remember don't take that personally...i said no; i know it's the disease. We continuoed to talk, and Mac was so open, he told us, he was really frightened many times as he knew that if he were put down on Agnes, or laporte where he used to live he may not know how to get around any more..or maybe he would, but for sure if he was to step outside here ...he would be lost....maybe in St. Henri, yes maybe there he would know ...
We reassured him that i would always be there, or whoever was with him would be trustworthy and be able to make sure he was not going to be lost...Then he continued to say he would love to see his own family, as i was not his family and so i decided time to take out his book, Gaye made for him, showing his own children...but he stopped us and said, no he was talking about HIS family, which we both didn't know...but finally he did look in the book and there was his own family as well...so he relaxed for a time...and strange after Celia left...he turned to me and said gee i really apologize i know your my wife, and its important that you never leave me...
well it is a strange disease, and it can make one wonder - is he playing a game, and of course he is not...why i know or feel i know this is i know people whose spouses have the big A. and they get depressed precisely because they have gone through this and feel their partner is trying to hurt them....NOT SO, we have had these kind of conversations with mac over a period of years - off and on - don't know what triggers them, but it's not planned by him to hurt anyone's feelings..anyway, i was not hurt but sad for him...just think how awful to live where one doesn't know - is this my home?, where is my home? is this a train,? am i with my wife...?????
So right now he is listening happily to jazz - it's time to give him his meds.and make sure his wife kisses him good night ..so g'nite to you too.
Of course, what could be better, he was really happy - so while we drank tea and chatted, he joined us with his memories, or what few he has left of those days...and added I'd love to see my own family, which he often refers to..and also like to see. his wife, he hadn't seen her - he'd love to see her too. Well when i said hey mac, that's me, he said, no way you are a boy...o.k. - hello, that's a first. But in any case i cleared that up, and Celia the woman that was here, just took this all very calmly and said, remember don't take that personally...i said no; i know it's the disease. We continuoed to talk, and Mac was so open, he told us, he was really frightened many times as he knew that if he were put down on Agnes, or laporte where he used to live he may not know how to get around any more..or maybe he would, but for sure if he was to step outside here ...he would be lost....maybe in St. Henri, yes maybe there he would know ...
We reassured him that i would always be there, or whoever was with him would be trustworthy and be able to make sure he was not going to be lost...Then he continued to say he would love to see his own family, as i was not his family and so i decided time to take out his book, Gaye made for him, showing his own children...but he stopped us and said, no he was talking about HIS family, which we both didn't know...but finally he did look in the book and there was his own family as well...so he relaxed for a time...and strange after Celia left...he turned to me and said gee i really apologize i know your my wife, and its important that you never leave me...
well it is a strange disease, and it can make one wonder - is he playing a game, and of course he is not...why i know or feel i know this is i know people whose spouses have the big A. and they get depressed precisely because they have gone through this and feel their partner is trying to hurt them....NOT SO, we have had these kind of conversations with mac over a period of years - off and on - don't know what triggers them, but it's not planned by him to hurt anyone's feelings..anyway, i was not hurt but sad for him...just think how awful to live where one doesn't know - is this my home?, where is my home? is this a train,? am i with my wife...?????
So right now he is listening happily to jazz - it's time to give him his meds.and make sure his wife kisses him good night ..so g'nite to you too.
Thursday, September 12, 2013....I'd love to see my own family...
Today I invited a woman recommended to me as one who could stay with mac ....of course when i'm gone ...this is so important as yesterdays outing for me was such a disaster when i returned home...hopefully i can kind of have this woman with us visiting, and just hanging out till she becomes someone he can kind of know...She and i were talking about the old days and surprise she knew some of mac's old crowd, so this was already a PLUS...although she was not from St. Henri, she stayed with her cousins on Agnes St. the very street where Mac was born...
Of course, what could be better, he was really happy - so while we drank tea and chatted, he joined us with his memories, or what few he has left of those days...and added I'd love to see my own family, which he often refers to..and also like to see. his wife, he hadn't seen her - he'd love to see her too. Well when i said hey mac, that's me, he said, no way you are a boy...o.k. - hello, that's a first. But in any case i cleared that up, and Celia the woman that was here, just took this all very calmly and said, remember don't take that personally...i said no; i know it's the disease. We continuoed to talk, and Mac was so open, he told us, he was really frightened many times as he knew that if he were put down on Agnes, or laporte where he used to live he may not know how to get around any more..or maybe he would, but for sure if he was to step outside here ...he would be lost....maybe in St. Henri, yes maybe there he would know ...
We reassured him that i would always be there, or whoever was with him would be trustworthy and be able to make sure he was not going to be lost...Then he continued to say he would love to see his own family, as i was not his family and so i decided time to take out his book, Gaye made for him, showing his own children...but he stopped us and said, no he was talking about HIS family, which we both didn't know...but finally he did look in the book and there was his own family as well...so he relaxed for a time...and strange after Celia left...he turned to me and said gee i really apologize i know your my wife, and its important that you never leave me...
well it is a strange disease, and it can make one wonder - is he playing a game, and of course he is not...why i know or feel i know this is i know people whose spouses have the big A. and they get depressed precisely because they have gone through this and feel their partner is trying to hurt them....NOT SO, we have had these kind of conversations with mac over a period of years - off and on - don't know what triggers them, but it's not planned by him to hurt anyone's feelings..anyway, i was not hurt but sad for him...just think how awful to live where one doesn't know - is this my home?, where is my home? is this a train,? am i with my wife...?????
So right now he is listening happily to jazz - it's time to give him his meds.and make sure his wife kisses him good night ..so g'nite to you too.
Of course, what could be better, he was really happy - so while we drank tea and chatted, he joined us with his memories, or what few he has left of those days...and added I'd love to see my own family, which he often refers to..and also like to see. his wife, he hadn't seen her - he'd love to see her too. Well when i said hey mac, that's me, he said, no way you are a boy...o.k. - hello, that's a first. But in any case i cleared that up, and Celia the woman that was here, just took this all very calmly and said, remember don't take that personally...i said no; i know it's the disease. We continuoed to talk, and Mac was so open, he told us, he was really frightened many times as he knew that if he were put down on Agnes, or laporte where he used to live he may not know how to get around any more..or maybe he would, but for sure if he was to step outside here ...he would be lost....maybe in St. Henri, yes maybe there he would know ...
We reassured him that i would always be there, or whoever was with him would be trustworthy and be able to make sure he was not going to be lost...Then he continued to say he would love to see his own family, as i was not his family and so i decided time to take out his book, Gaye made for him, showing his own children...but he stopped us and said, no he was talking about HIS family, which we both didn't know...but finally he did look in the book and there was his own family as well...so he relaxed for a time...and strange after Celia left...he turned to me and said gee i really apologize i know your my wife, and its important that you never leave me...
well it is a strange disease, and it can make one wonder - is he playing a game, and of course he is not...why i know or feel i know this is i know people whose spouses have the big A. and they get depressed precisely because they have gone through this and feel their partner is trying to hurt them....NOT SO, we have had these kind of conversations with mac over a period of years - off and on - don't know what triggers them, but it's not planned by him to hurt anyone's feelings..anyway, i was not hurt but sad for him...just think how awful to live where one doesn't know - is this my home?, where is my home? is this a train,? am i with my wife...?????
So right now he is listening happily to jazz - it's time to give him his meds.and make sure his wife kisses him good night ..so g'nite to you too.
Wednesday 11 September 2013
Wednesday, September 11, 2014 Are we in a train...
Every evening with a few exceptions it is a different kind of abberation, either mac doesn't know me, or doesn't think i'm janet...or if we go out for a walk he is not too disoriented ...he may just wonder if we are in a train station...or later when in bed, ask the same question, are we in a train???Could be that since 32nd ave..is a very busy one, he can feel vibrations of trucks ..as he doesn't keep active around the house, nor does he have many distractions..so he may be more aware of that then i am.
.I'm trying to encourage him to see just what he can read these days...he gets many words but can't seem to see the logic of what he reads...pictures don't interest him...but a first; today, he actually sat and watched almost a whole 20 min of t.v. Dr. Oz of all shows...I still do crossword puzzles and ask him the words as i read them out loud, usually he says...don't know...but he still can surprise me and get a word here and there, or confirm a word that i say...and of course each time i start a puzzle he says they don't interest him anymore. So actually there is not too much he wants to do, or can do to interest himself, walks of course and music is still great, favourite classics and old pops and jazz...so i had the cd player ready for his person from CLSC today, but i decided to see if the picinic in the activity room was still going on, but no it had finished and virtual bowling with the t.v. was the main activity....So when the girl came - first time with this one, he said he would stay down in the activity room...surprise as he hates the bowling, says it makes too much noise. but since he opted to stay decided o.k. and left the two of them there....big mistake.
When i returned after only one and a half hours, he was livid...and in front of all the residents playing bowling, said, "I'm going to choke you" they kind of laughed nervously, trying to pretend he was fooling, but I said, hey, do you want to go upstairs...knowing he did of course. he got up and said,yes i'm never staying here again, and I'm going to get you for this...but as usual once the girl left, and he had himself settled in his chair, eyes closed...he soon got over it, and we ended up talking and watching t.v. as I mentioned...and so it all ended well...but i'm hoping for better days off in the next month, as the CLSC has offered to pay for our friend to stay so it will be the same person.every time...let's hope it works...
Now in bed positive that he is in his own bed and not on a train, he says he will listen to the t.v. news as i answer emails, and give the cat his nightly snack, which i better do as he is whining away right now, so g'nite.
.I'm trying to encourage him to see just what he can read these days...he gets many words but can't seem to see the logic of what he reads...pictures don't interest him...but a first; today, he actually sat and watched almost a whole 20 min of t.v. Dr. Oz of all shows...I still do crossword puzzles and ask him the words as i read them out loud, usually he says...don't know...but he still can surprise me and get a word here and there, or confirm a word that i say...and of course each time i start a puzzle he says they don't interest him anymore. So actually there is not too much he wants to do, or can do to interest himself, walks of course and music is still great, favourite classics and old pops and jazz...so i had the cd player ready for his person from CLSC today, but i decided to see if the picinic in the activity room was still going on, but no it had finished and virtual bowling with the t.v. was the main activity....So when the girl came - first time with this one, he said he would stay down in the activity room...surprise as he hates the bowling, says it makes too much noise. but since he opted to stay decided o.k. and left the two of them there....big mistake.
When i returned after only one and a half hours, he was livid...and in front of all the residents playing bowling, said, "I'm going to choke you" they kind of laughed nervously, trying to pretend he was fooling, but I said, hey, do you want to go upstairs...knowing he did of course. he got up and said,yes i'm never staying here again, and I'm going to get you for this...but as usual once the girl left, and he had himself settled in his chair, eyes closed...he soon got over it, and we ended up talking and watching t.v. as I mentioned...and so it all ended well...but i'm hoping for better days off in the next month, as the CLSC has offered to pay for our friend to stay so it will be the same person.every time...let's hope it works...
Now in bed positive that he is in his own bed and not on a train, he says he will listen to the t.v. news as i answer emails, and give the cat his nightly snack, which i better do as he is whining away right now, so g'nite.
Saturday 7 September 2013
Saturday, September 7, 2013 You should just stick to your work...
Although I say it so often - Mac really doesn't know precisely who I am, but is content and knows it's someone who loves him...in fact maybe I mentioned something to that effect in my last blog, which guarantees he will switch and be completely different, which is exactly what happened - usually i can kind of jump on Mac's lap and cuddle when he least expects it, and he laughs and jokes and hugs me....but last evening when i did that, he became stiff and really upset...put his legs out straight so I practically fell on the floor...and said really angry...'you should just stick to your work..you are not paid to do this, this is not right, .do what you are paid by the company to do".:....oooh boy, what a shock. Should'nt have been too surprised, as it was around dinner time and the sun goes down earlier now...it's almost eerie the way it happens, it's known as "sundown syndrome".
Again on our way home from the lake activities...(BBQ and Caribean dancerst today all to meet MP and councillor of lachine) which was fun, luckily it didn't rain - but it was a dull day, and even duller and cloudy on the way home.... when Mac said ' i wonder if my wife will be home by now" well i just stood there as he walked on, he turned around and said, 'what's up' "well just for the record said i...i'm your wife o .k. - he just continued walking and said, 'stop joking'...so i stopped, and we went on home...when we got in the door, our neighbours that were downstairs turned and said, 'hi you two, out walking as usual - how many miles did you do today' well i laughed and said, who knws we walked our socks off, so the neighbour said, you should do "dragon boating, that seems to be the thing around here'...i answered, well two of our daughters do that...well, mac looked at me in surprise..."our daughters?'...well he got the message.
Then once we were in the apartment, he said, where is the bathroom???again not unusual, we have a small apartment, but he often has to be told where the bathroom is, and at times where the bedroom is...his memory is getting slower, and even when i mentioned the BBQ today, that was gone from his memory soon after our return. It is always hard to take, later when he asked if i had seen his wife, i guess the tears popped in my eyes before i had a chance to turn around...and somehow it dawned on him, and he opened his arms and said, hey come here, - don't know what's wrong with me, and gave me a big hug...well I know he still didn't know i was his wife, but he realized that I sure did know and he trusts this person who is always there...sometimes i wonder how long that will last. - the trusting...but live in the moment, and that goes for me as well as Mac, it's the only way to live with this damn disease.
Well on a happier note there are many good moments, so g'nite.
Again on our way home from the lake activities...(BBQ and Caribean dancerst today all to meet MP and councillor of lachine) which was fun, luckily it didn't rain - but it was a dull day, and even duller and cloudy on the way home.... when Mac said ' i wonder if my wife will be home by now" well i just stood there as he walked on, he turned around and said, 'what's up' "well just for the record said i...i'm your wife o .k. - he just continued walking and said, 'stop joking'...so i stopped, and we went on home...when we got in the door, our neighbours that were downstairs turned and said, 'hi you two, out walking as usual - how many miles did you do today' well i laughed and said, who knws we walked our socks off, so the neighbour said, you should do "dragon boating, that seems to be the thing around here'...i answered, well two of our daughters do that...well, mac looked at me in surprise..."our daughters?'...well he got the message.
Then once we were in the apartment, he said, where is the bathroom???again not unusual, we have a small apartment, but he often has to be told where the bathroom is, and at times where the bedroom is...his memory is getting slower, and even when i mentioned the BBQ today, that was gone from his memory soon after our return. It is always hard to take, later when he asked if i had seen his wife, i guess the tears popped in my eyes before i had a chance to turn around...and somehow it dawned on him, and he opened his arms and said, hey come here, - don't know what's wrong with me, and gave me a big hug...well I know he still didn't know i was his wife, but he realized that I sure did know and he trusts this person who is always there...sometimes i wonder how long that will last. - the trusting...but live in the moment, and that goes for me as well as Mac, it's the only way to live with this damn disease.
Well on a happier note there are many good moments, so g'nite.
Thursday 5 September 2013
Thursday, September 5, 2013 That's not my wife....
Tonight when the preposay finished getting Mac ready for bed, she said, "o.k. your wife is waiting for you'...that was the answer from mac, That's not my wife.' Stephane just laughed and said, "sure that's your wife, she is here'. I am used to Mac not knowing just who is who, and said, 'it's, o.k. he doesn't always recognize me, 'this bothers some of my friends who also have this problem, in fact most people with later alzheimers do not recognize people in the family - which of course at first is very sad and actually hurts - but as time goes on if the person continues to be with the Alzheimer's patient, he or she recognizes it is someone who is close, and feels very comfortable. Mac is very consistent in that he knows JANET, the person who is always with him, and in this he feels safe, comfortable and loved...therefore it's rather hard to part, but the good news is that yesterday, I was able to leave and the CLSC person that was with him didn't have any problem and neither did i, hallelujah...
So just what does he know and how does he manage? This is the question, of all people, the man at the Adaptative Transport, for the montreal Transport System, asked me today. I was calling to have the transport taxi for Monday, the question he was asking - does Gordon have a walker, or wheelchair, - i answered no, he just needs a companion as he has alzheimers and not able to go anywhere by himself...Well then he asked that question, apparently his own father has beginning Alzheimers. He seemed to think that Mac might call and get transport for himself, then what would happen...I told him at this point...Mac cannot dial the phone, cannot write,although he can read a little, knows numbers but is unable to function or use them, as far as knowing , money, addresses, phone numbers, even names of familiar places or people - but within these confines, he manages to enjoy his life, especially his family, his great grandchild in particular, and in fact loves to see children - and waves to little children when we walk at the lake or in the park.
He knows that he lived in St. Henri - and that is where he was born - he knows he had a large family, that he played hockey and lacrosse, that his mom was very loving and he still loves her, that he has this person - wife, friend whoever she is - that loves him...and tells him so every day...often when i say 'oh mac i love you, he answers 'why'...and tonight in fun, he said, 'no you don't', i answered, o.k, then you're right i don't, well he just cracked up laughing and so did I - as make no mistake, he is completely content with that fact, I love him, and he also says - 'i love you' So that's contentment for me too, as to love and be loved in return - is there anything better than that? Not really, so g'nite.
So just what does he know and how does he manage? This is the question, of all people, the man at the Adaptative Transport, for the montreal Transport System, asked me today. I was calling to have the transport taxi for Monday, the question he was asking - does Gordon have a walker, or wheelchair, - i answered no, he just needs a companion as he has alzheimers and not able to go anywhere by himself...Well then he asked that question, apparently his own father has beginning Alzheimers. He seemed to think that Mac might call and get transport for himself, then what would happen...I told him at this point...Mac cannot dial the phone, cannot write,although he can read a little, knows numbers but is unable to function or use them, as far as knowing , money, addresses, phone numbers, even names of familiar places or people - but within these confines, he manages to enjoy his life, especially his family, his great grandchild in particular, and in fact loves to see children - and waves to little children when we walk at the lake or in the park.
He knows that he lived in St. Henri - and that is where he was born - he knows he had a large family, that he played hockey and lacrosse, that his mom was very loving and he still loves her, that he has this person - wife, friend whoever she is - that loves him...and tells him so every day...often when i say 'oh mac i love you, he answers 'why'...and tonight in fun, he said, 'no you don't', i answered, o.k, then you're right i don't, well he just cracked up laughing and so did I - as make no mistake, he is completely content with that fact, I love him, and he also says - 'i love you' So that's contentment for me too, as to love and be loved in return - is there anything better than that? Not really, so g'nite.
Wednesday 4 September 2013
Wednesday, September 4, 2013 We can walk....
"We can walk', is the answer I get every time I suggest getting a taxi when it looks like rain. This was the case this morning, as we were walking home from the TEAPOT (the over 50 club on the lake)the wind was blowing and it was already a scattering of light rain across the lake .- thought maybe this time we'd take a taxi ..but no - think I've mentioned before mac does not lke to spend any $$$. Actually, we were quite enjoying the wind and rain, and the huge change in temperature from scorching two days ago to this brisk cold wind. Life can be so pleasant when one is healthy that is able to walk and enjoy the outdoors...and in our case, that is practically the sum total of our life ...but i answered an email today giving some of the facts of how we live so thought i'd include it for the record today....
The bldg i am in is a residence and also for people with problems, be they physical or mental such as alzheimers, in fact the 2nd flor. is devoted to alz. patients...the 3rd flr is for autonomus alz 4th flor seems to be mainly for wheel chairs bound people.... and the flor we are on is 6th which is mostly for autonomous people, i am there, in a very lovely apt. where i take care of Mac and cook meals, etc. and try to live as much as possible as i did when we were in our own house, which by the way is now for sale...i'm not sad about this as we sure don't need all the stuff that one has to do in a big house ...and of course a garden..this place has a neat back garden with garden swings..although since we walk every single day we're not there often...
the real reason i love it here is because we are a 15 min walk from the lake which stretches from lachine all the way as you probably remember...so we can walk and we do. there is a walking path and bike path as well, one can go from Dorval all the way on the path to old montreal...of course we don't but we do walk from 32nd st where we are; all the way to 49th st. by the lake path..We can have our meals in the dining room, but we opt to have that approx once a week just for a change, although mac loves to be with the others there, as they all speak to us and he gets quite a bit of attention which is great..
.the B in our address is for tower B, there are 2 towers. the top floor is 6, so it's really not a high tower kind of bldg. but our view takes in the lake, the st. lawrence river, the mercier bridge, and also we can see the mountain and the shrine..so it's great. i love all the trees and in fall it should be great...
Does Mac like it here...well that's for sure, he is not always keen on the people that have to help him, but there is no doubt that he is thriving on their attention....the only thing is he hates it when i leave him with anyone else, and that's what i have to do now...so better get ready this is my afternoon to go out...hope it works out o.k. bye for now.
Sunday 1 September 2013
Sunday, September 1, 2013 But who am I?
Sun streaming in our windows, beautiful fluffy white clouds floating in a clear blue sky, the table all set with breakfast looking great - all Mac's favourites strawberries, peaches blueberries, yogurt on top of cereal swimming in cream, beautiufl, but there is a dark cloud and it's on Mac's face... frown, frown, frown and i knew we wre in for a conversation and it wouild be serious... Sure enough, mac, said, "we have to talk, it's important, "I really can't remember myself as a boy or growing up to this stage in my life' - well my stock answer, Mac, you have memory loss, think of it as a person with amnesia, you just can't remember your past, but you have the moment, this lovely day, let's try to enjoy it...'...."well that's fine but can't you see it's great that it's a lovely day, but who am I, in this day"..
o.k. what's your name??? Alright, so I remember my name, Gordon McConnell, but who am I?? You are Gordon mcConnell, married to me, Janet...or Jan as i'm sometimes called, and you are Gordon or Mac as you are sometimes called, and the name i use when I speak to you....Where is my mom I think she died...yes she did all our families have gone, except for your brother in law, joey, and i still have my cousin in California, Frank...of course you have a cousin too, mabel...yes, yes, but it's a bugger, how do i know - I really don't, I just bluff along, trying to get by but I really don't know where i am , or who I am...
So i repeat the amnesia idea, and try to get him to live in the moment, "you just have to believe me, and trust me - doesn't make sense for me to lie..we are jan and mac mcconnell., look afte we finish breakfast, let's go out for a walk, it will do you good. and so we did...Usually he smiles and waves to everyone we meet in the building, but today his shoulders slumped his head down, and as we went to sign the register, Elena who is so good with him, said "hi sir - how are you today' usually there is a fun answer, but he said, 'lousy, and i said quietly, he's feeling sad today...She came right out of the booth, put her arm around him, and said 'it's o.k. we all feel like that sometimes, we don't know just what is what"...Edith who was going to church with us, age 95, perked right up and came over...saying, "half the time i don't feel so hot either, but no use crying about it"...Well that seemed to help him, we went for a little walk around the park as we waited for the lift.
Well the man came to pick us up, when we got in the car with Edith, he had cheered up, and by the time we got to church i said, well how are you feeling now', he answered. What are you talking about - how should I feel , i'm fine" but I'm not going into church, i'll wait here on the bench - We were so early for church, i suggested we could walk a bit, and did, (walking the best therapy) both of us enjoyed watching a kid around 9 with his skate board jumping over the curb...we would clap and he'd do it again, finally getting near time for church, i said, o.k. coming to sit in the back....no way, it's a nice day, I'll wait outdoors on the park bench in the church yard...(This means i check on him every 20 min, and a couple of sweet people at this lovely little church do it at other times), but as he always says...don't have to check, I'm not going anywhere, i'd get lost...and he definitely would, but i think getting lost in his mind is even worse...so thankfully he has forgotten the episode, but i haven't ...g'nite.
o.k. what's your name??? Alright, so I remember my name, Gordon McConnell, but who am I?? You are Gordon mcConnell, married to me, Janet...or Jan as i'm sometimes called, and you are Gordon or Mac as you are sometimes called, and the name i use when I speak to you....Where is my mom I think she died...yes she did all our families have gone, except for your brother in law, joey, and i still have my cousin in California, Frank...of course you have a cousin too, mabel...yes, yes, but it's a bugger, how do i know - I really don't, I just bluff along, trying to get by but I really don't know where i am , or who I am...
So i repeat the amnesia idea, and try to get him to live in the moment, "you just have to believe me, and trust me - doesn't make sense for me to lie..we are jan and mac mcconnell., look afte we finish breakfast, let's go out for a walk, it will do you good. and so we did...Usually he smiles and waves to everyone we meet in the building, but today his shoulders slumped his head down, and as we went to sign the register, Elena who is so good with him, said "hi sir - how are you today' usually there is a fun answer, but he said, 'lousy, and i said quietly, he's feeling sad today...She came right out of the booth, put her arm around him, and said 'it's o.k. we all feel like that sometimes, we don't know just what is what"...Edith who was going to church with us, age 95, perked right up and came over...saying, "half the time i don't feel so hot either, but no use crying about it"...Well that seemed to help him, we went for a little walk around the park as we waited for the lift.
Well the man came to pick us up, when we got in the car with Edith, he had cheered up, and by the time we got to church i said, well how are you feeling now', he answered. What are you talking about - how should I feel , i'm fine" but I'm not going into church, i'll wait here on the bench - We were so early for church, i suggested we could walk a bit, and did, (walking the best therapy) both of us enjoyed watching a kid around 9 with his skate board jumping over the curb...we would clap and he'd do it again, finally getting near time for church, i said, o.k. coming to sit in the back....no way, it's a nice day, I'll wait outdoors on the park bench in the church yard...(This means i check on him every 20 min, and a couple of sweet people at this lovely little church do it at other times), but as he always says...don't have to check, I'm not going anywhere, i'd get lost...and he definitely would, but i think getting lost in his mind is even worse...so thankfully he has forgotten the episode, but i haven't ...g'nite.
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