Easter Monday, and the beat goes on...I went out to return my dvds and book in the library slot ...and perhaps make it to the pharmacy, but the wind and rain drove me right back home. At first I thought it might whisk me off to the land of OZ ...but on second thought realized it would probably whisk me onto the road, what a wind my umbrella went right inside out...but Easter Saturday was fun, the following is what I wrote to my neice who emailed me to know about our Easter weekend.
Just returned home from Maureen’s where we celebrated 4 birthdays (actually we usually celebrate 5 bd’s but Jacob is in Calgary, darn), and of course celebrated Easter. Little Finley and I did an egg search for each other…I was the bunny rabbit then she was..and she got to keep all the eggs, ha. So after too much chocolate, and food, came home and rolled around the house putting stuff away, got some lovely Easter flowers, plant, chocolate, and mixed nuts, enough to last till next Easter… oh boy, need it like a hole in the head…oh well.
Today would have been the day Mac went to Laura Secord's Chocolate Store, to buy half price Easter cream filled Eggs. We would give small ones to the kids for the real Easter day, and then buy the big ones after Easter..Each night after we'd watch the CBC news taking small slices of the Cream filled Eggs, savoring each morsel. I did buy the small ones and as I'm typing I'm pretending I'm not eating one.
I'm the only one in the family who still goes to Church Easter Sunday, or any Sunday for that matter; I always wonder as I go in to church, why I still go, and somehow before I leave I always have the answer; for sure it is not the people who I think I've mentioned many times are the friendliest and most loving; but who can say what overcomes me as I take the wine and the wafer, what makes me fill up with call it happiness, I really don't know, but it's there. So does this mean I BELIEVE unconditionally not really, I question, and I reject so much. We discussed this (my son-in-law, daughter Gaye and myself) on Easter day.
She told me of something she learned from Jehovah Witness person, they do not wear a cross on a chain or believe in having the cross, because as they said, if your father got killed by a gun, would you wear a gun on a chain around your neck...well hmmm. Then on the other hand maybe some would I'm always amazed at the people who tattoo themselves with some of the most violent scenes...or hang a spoon around their neck, cocaine believers???
A united church woman minister has quite a following in her church, they are all unbelievers, looking to believe kind of thing. She was interviewed on CBC, and some say she said she was an Atheist, I didn't hear the interview, but will get it online. In that case so are the people who go to the Unitarian church, wonder why if that is the case she doesn't go there, will have to find out.
Well all this to say, Easter has given me food for thought (other than Chocolate)...It looks like the rain is letting up, so have a good day, bye...
Monday 28 March 2016
Monday 21 March 2016
Monday, March 21, 2016 Still Alice....Still Mac
Many moons ago, when we discovered that Mac had Alzheimer's and was well into it. I was asked by my daughter Gaye to join a group - a support group - for those who live with people who have Alzheimer's disease. This was really a good step to take, and one I've appreciated so much over the years...since then, which is actually about nine years or so now.
We, the twelve of us in the group, all had someone in our family - mother, father, sister, brother, husband or wife with the dread big A. We received many papers outlining what we were going through, we were there for twelve weeks, each week gave us new and better understanding of the disease.
One of the suggestions, was that we should read the book, Still Alice.
Well I did buy or get the book from the library, can't really remember, but what I do remember is that I could not get through the second chapter...it was too much to read what we were going through.
I felt that why should I go through the trauma of reading what was happening, and although I didn't know what would happen exactly in the future, I and Mac had a pretty good knowledge and it really wasn't pretty.
So I would not read the book, although the leader felt that the person reading the book would have a deeper understanding of what the person with the Big A. was going through.
I as asked many times, did you read the book, Still Alice...my reply was always, no but I probably will read it. Then the movie Still Alice came out,various friends and relations, called me to say the acting in that movie was super, they had understood so much more about the disease, and really recommended the movie.
For different reasons, i.e. I was living through the disease with Mac, secondly why should I watch someone else, I was able to see this up front and personal. plus by then I knew many others with the disease, spoke to so many in the support group, and again did not go to the movie.
Well yesterday, in the library where I borrow films I saw "Still Alice", well Mac has been dead a year now. I still see people with the bit A. but it's not something that causes churning in my tummy, it is something that I help others with and seem to have a handle on things, so I decided to borrow the movie, and tonight decided to at last, sit down and watch the movie.
Well for sure the actress, Julianne Moore was terrific, she definitely "delivers a Career defining performance", well so much so, that just seeing her start to realize she was forgetting, words, where she was, and then begin to start checking things carefully, my tummy began to get those fluttery kind of butterfly feelings, but I tried hard to just ignore, and say, this is a movie, this is what is happening to Alice, get on with it and relax.
Then came the place in the movie where she decides to open up to her husband and say she is seeing a neurologist and he thinks she has the beginning of onset of Alzheimer's even though she is really much younger than the average age for getting the disease. Her husband says, "impossible"...precisely what Mac said, when he was first diagnosed, and when he was referred to a neurologist.
When Julianne in her role screams and starts to cry out to her husband, listen to me, it's true, ..that's when I lost it...and said right out loud in my apartment here without anyone to say it to. What am I doing I don't need this..and turned the movie off.
I think my many friends whose parents, husbands, wife,who have and are still going through this sad time, must have something I don't have..because some of them have recommended the movie to me in the past. Some have seen the movie earlier or later in the disease, how strong they are, as I could not take it.
In fact just last Thursday, I went to a Sugaring Off Party at a Cabana Sucre with the Retired Teachers Group. One of the teachers said, "this is such a break for me, my husband is in "Heron House" (An assisted living Residence) he has alzheimers. Twice a week I go to help him eat. Some times he knows who I am, some times he doesn't, sometimes he can eat by himself, other times he can't. Just yesterday, I had to help him eat he didn't know what to do with his fork. " I am so happy that we have placed him where he gets the help he needs"
The same thing happened to me as when I started the book and watched the movie..my tummy started to churn, I was about to cry, so had to move away, saying to myself, I don't need this.
Now, I have no problem with being with the people with the big A. right here in the building, or helping my friend's mom, Alma, over in the building in the back of us. I don't understand what I'm going through, but I know it has to do with just how deeply it hit when Mac was ill in the first few months, I guess I just start to relive...and for sure I don't need it.
Writing about it right now, has helped, I've gotten rid of the heavy feeling, and the sadness I felt and at time still feel for Mac. I really want to remember the happy times, even when he was ill, because for sure there were more good times with him ill than bad..and though I wouldn't want him back with the illness, I surely am so happy we had those years together, becauses he was Still Mac...
We, the twelve of us in the group, all had someone in our family - mother, father, sister, brother, husband or wife with the dread big A. We received many papers outlining what we were going through, we were there for twelve weeks, each week gave us new and better understanding of the disease.
One of the suggestions, was that we should read the book, Still Alice.
Well I did buy or get the book from the library, can't really remember, but what I do remember is that I could not get through the second chapter...it was too much to read what we were going through.
I felt that why should I go through the trauma of reading what was happening, and although I didn't know what would happen exactly in the future, I and Mac had a pretty good knowledge and it really wasn't pretty.
So I would not read the book, although the leader felt that the person reading the book would have a deeper understanding of what the person with the Big A. was going through.
I as asked many times, did you read the book, Still Alice...my reply was always, no but I probably will read it. Then the movie Still Alice came out,various friends and relations, called me to say the acting in that movie was super, they had understood so much more about the disease, and really recommended the movie.
For different reasons, i.e. I was living through the disease with Mac, secondly why should I watch someone else, I was able to see this up front and personal. plus by then I knew many others with the disease, spoke to so many in the support group, and again did not go to the movie.
Well yesterday, in the library where I borrow films I saw "Still Alice", well Mac has been dead a year now. I still see people with the bit A. but it's not something that causes churning in my tummy, it is something that I help others with and seem to have a handle on things, so I decided to borrow the movie, and tonight decided to at last, sit down and watch the movie.
Well for sure the actress, Julianne Moore was terrific, she definitely "delivers a Career defining performance", well so much so, that just seeing her start to realize she was forgetting, words, where she was, and then begin to start checking things carefully, my tummy began to get those fluttery kind of butterfly feelings, but I tried hard to just ignore, and say, this is a movie, this is what is happening to Alice, get on with it and relax.
Then came the place in the movie where she decides to open up to her husband and say she is seeing a neurologist and he thinks she has the beginning of onset of Alzheimer's even though she is really much younger than the average age for getting the disease. Her husband says, "impossible"...precisely what Mac said, when he was first diagnosed, and when he was referred to a neurologist.
When Julianne in her role screams and starts to cry out to her husband, listen to me, it's true, ..that's when I lost it...and said right out loud in my apartment here without anyone to say it to. What am I doing I don't need this..and turned the movie off.
I think my many friends whose parents, husbands, wife,who have and are still going through this sad time, must have something I don't have..because some of them have recommended the movie to me in the past. Some have seen the movie earlier or later in the disease, how strong they are, as I could not take it.
In fact just last Thursday, I went to a Sugaring Off Party at a Cabana Sucre with the Retired Teachers Group. One of the teachers said, "this is such a break for me, my husband is in "Heron House" (An assisted living Residence) he has alzheimers. Twice a week I go to help him eat. Some times he knows who I am, some times he doesn't, sometimes he can eat by himself, other times he can't. Just yesterday, I had to help him eat he didn't know what to do with his fork. " I am so happy that we have placed him where he gets the help he needs"
The same thing happened to me as when I started the book and watched the movie..my tummy started to churn, I was about to cry, so had to move away, saying to myself, I don't need this.
Now, I have no problem with being with the people with the big A. right here in the building, or helping my friend's mom, Alma, over in the building in the back of us. I don't understand what I'm going through, but I know it has to do with just how deeply it hit when Mac was ill in the first few months, I guess I just start to relive...and for sure I don't need it.
Writing about it right now, has helped, I've gotten rid of the heavy feeling, and the sadness I felt and at time still feel for Mac. I really want to remember the happy times, even when he was ill, because for sure there were more good times with him ill than bad..and though I wouldn't want him back with the illness, I surely am so happy we had those years together, becauses he was Still Mac...
Monday, March 21, 2016 Still Alice....Still Mac
Many moons ago, when we discovered that Mac had Alzheimer's and was well into it. I was asked by my daughter Gaye to join a group - a support group - for those who live with people who have Alzheimer's disease. This was really a good step to take, and one I've appreciated so much over the years...since then, which is actually about nine years or so now.
We, the twelve of us in the group, all had someone in our family - mother, father, sister, brother, husband or wife with the dread big A. We received many papers outlining what we were going through, we were there for twelve weeks, each week gave us new and better understanding of the disease.
One of the suggestions, was that we should read the book, Still Alice.
Well I did buy or get the book from the library, can't really remember, but what I do remember is that I could not get through the second chapter...it was too much to read what we were going through.
I felt that why should I go through the trauma of reading what was happening, and although I didn't know what would happen exactly in the future, I and Mac had a pretty good knowledge and it really wasn't pretty.
So I would not read the book, although the leader felt that the person reading the book would have a deeper understanding of what the person with the Big A. was going through.
I as asked many times, did you read the book, Still Alice...my reply was always, no but I probably will read it. Then the movie Still Alice came out,various friends and relations, called me to say the acting in that movie was super, they had understood so much more about the disease, and really recommended the movie.
For different reasons, i.e. I was living through the disease with Mac, secondly why should I watch someone else, I was able to see this up front and personal. plus by then I knew many others with the disease, spoke to so many in the support group, and again did not go to the movie.
Well yesterday, in the library where I borrow films I saw "Still Alice", well Mac has been dead a year now. I still see people with the bit A. but it's not something that causes churning in my tummy, it is something that I help others with and seem to have a handle on things, so I decided to borrow the movie, and tonight decided to at last, sit down and watch the movie.
Well for sure the actress, Julianne Moore was terrific, she definitely "delivers a Career defining performance", well so much so, that just seeing her start to realize she was forgetting, words, where she was, and then begin to start checking things carefully, my tummy began to get those fluttery kind of butterfly feelings, but I tried hard to just ignore, and say, this is a movie, this is what is happening to Alice, get on with it and relax.
Then came the place in the movie where she decides to open up to her husband and say she is seeing a neurologist and he thinks she has the beginning of onset of Alzheimer's even though she is really much younger than the average age for getting the disease. Her husband says, "impossible"...precisely what Mac said, when he was first diagnosed, and when he was referred to a neurologist.
When Julianne in her role screams and starts to cry out to her husband, listen to me, it's true, ..that's when I lost it...and said right out loud in my apartment here without anyone to say it to. What am I doing I don't need this..and turned the movie off.
I think my many friends whose parents, husbands, wife,who have and are still going through this sad time, must have something I don't have..because some of them have recommended the movie to me in the past. Some have seen the movie earlier or later in the disease, how strong they are, as I could not take it.
In fact just last Thursday, I went to a Sugaring Off Party at a Cabana Sucre with the Retired Teachers Group. One of the teachers said, "this is such a break for me, my husband is in "Heron House" (An assisted living Residence) he has alzheimers. Twice a week I go to help him eat. Some times he knows who I am, some times he doesn't, sometimes he can eat by himself, other times he can't. Just yesterday, I had to help him eat he didn't know what to do with his fork. " I am so happy that we have placed him where he gets the help he needs"
The same thing happened to me as when I started the book and watched the movie..my tummy started to churn, I was about to cry, so had to move away, saying to myself, I don't need this.
Now, I have no problem with being with the people with the big A. right here in the building, or helping my friend's mom, Alma, over in the building in the back of us. I don't understand what I'm going through, but I know it has to do with just how deeply it hit when Mac was ill in the first few months, I guess I just start to relive...and for sure I don't need it.
Writing about it right now, has helped, I've gotten rid of the heavy feeling, and the sadness I felt and at time still feel for Mac. I really want to remember the happy times, even when he was ill, because for sure there were more good times with him ill than bad..and though I wouldn't want him back with the illness, I surely am so happy we had those years together, becauses he was Still Mac...
We, the twelve of us in the group, all had someone in our family - mother, father, sister, brother, husband or wife with the dread big A. We received many papers outlining what we were going through, we were there for twelve weeks, each week gave us new and better understanding of the disease.
One of the suggestions, was that we should read the book, Still Alice.
Well I did buy or get the book from the library, can't really remember, but what I do remember is that I could not get through the second chapter...it was too much to read what we were going through.
I felt that why should I go through the trauma of reading what was happening, and although I didn't know what would happen exactly in the future, I and Mac had a pretty good knowledge and it really wasn't pretty.
So I would not read the book, although the leader felt that the person reading the book would have a deeper understanding of what the person with the Big A. was going through.
I as asked many times, did you read the book, Still Alice...my reply was always, no but I probably will read it. Then the movie Still Alice came out,various friends and relations, called me to say the acting in that movie was super, they had understood so much more about the disease, and really recommended the movie.
For different reasons, i.e. I was living through the disease with Mac, secondly why should I watch someone else, I was able to see this up front and personal. plus by then I knew many others with the disease, spoke to so many in the support group, and again did not go to the movie.
Well yesterday, in the library where I borrow films I saw "Still Alice", well Mac has been dead a year now. I still see people with the bit A. but it's not something that causes churning in my tummy, it is something that I help others with and seem to have a handle on things, so I decided to borrow the movie, and tonight decided to at last, sit down and watch the movie.
Well for sure the actress, Julianne Moore was terrific, she definitely "delivers a Career defining performance", well so much so, that just seeing her start to realize she was forgetting, words, where she was, and then begin to start checking things carefully, my tummy began to get those fluttery kind of butterfly feelings, but I tried hard to just ignore, and say, this is a movie, this is what is happening to Alice, get on with it and relax.
Then came the place in the movie where she decides to open up to her husband and say she is seeing a neurologist and he thinks she has the beginning of onset of Alzheimer's even though she is really much younger than the average age for getting the disease. Her husband says, "impossible"...precisely what Mac said, when he was first diagnosed, and when he was referred to a neurologist.
When Julianne in her role screams and starts to cry out to her husband, listen to me, it's true, ..that's when I lost it...and said right out loud in my apartment here without anyone to say it to. What am I doing I don't need this..and turned the movie off.
I think my many friends whose parents, husbands, wife,who have and are still going through this sad time, must have something I don't have..because some of them have recommended the movie to me in the past. Some have seen the movie earlier or later in the disease, how strong they are, as I could not take it.
In fact just last Thursday, I went to a Sugaring Off Party at a Cabana Sucre with the Retired Teachers Group. One of the teachers said, "this is such a break for me, my husband is in "Heron House" (An assisted living Residence) he has alzheimers. Twice a week I go to help him eat. Some times he knows who I am, some times he doesn't, sometimes he can eat by himself, other times he can't. Just yesterday, I had to help him eat he didn't know what to do with his fork. " I am so happy that we have placed him where he gets the help he needs"
The same thing happened to me as when I started the book and watched the movie..my tummy started to churn, I was about to cry, so had to move away, saying to myself, I don't need this.
Now, I have no problem with being with the people with the big A. right here in the building, or helping my friend's mom, Alma, over in the building in the back of us. I don't understand what I'm going through, but I know it has to do with just how deeply it hit when Mac was ill in the first few months, I guess I just start to relive...and for sure I don't need it.
Writing about it right now, has helped, I've gotten rid of the heavy feeling, and the sadness I felt and at time still feel for Mac. I really want to remember the happy times, even when he was ill, because for sure there were more good times with him ill than bad..and though I wouldn't want him back with the illness, I surely am so happy we had those years together, becauses he was Still Mac...
Wednesday 16 March 2016
Tuesday, March 16, 2016 St. Patrick's Day tomorrow...
I'm thinking about the St. Patrick's Day, and how we used to enjoy the parade..we, Mac and I, sometimes went to the two parades, one in Chateauguay and the one downtown. Sometimes the weather was great and sometimes we froze, but always it was a fun time. At that time we would go down memory lane, Mac would say imagine my dad actually went in the parade with the St Thomas Aquinas Contingent. He said that his brother John rode a horse in the parade...I wonder??? Did I dream that one. We have a picture of his dad wearing real shamrocks on his jacket, we assumed that was when he was in the parade. All this Irish stuff was what sent us off to Ireland to check out Mac's family tree...SURPRISE, we discovered that it seems that there was more of a Scottish background. Who knew??
In the end we think that there was an Irish ancestor and that by the time Mac's grandfather was born the family had moved to Aberdeen in Scotland for work, as that's the place where we found some background information. Mac could not get enough solid information as to his grandfather's birth record, though we did see his name in the records, could not get his birth record..
Maybe one day, one of the family will investigate further. In any case, the McConnell's always seemed to be part Irish rather than Scottish..no one spoke about St. Andrews Day, but I remember St. Paddy's was the big celebration.
Not being Irish I would go along for the ride, and celebrate like all the other Quebecers who become Irish for the day. BUT, my big moment came a few years ago when my good friend Margaret Healy became the first Woman to lead the Parade as Grand Marshal...and big thrill, she came and shook our hand as she walked along the parade route with all the other dignitaries with their top hats green ties, and shamrocks, what a great day for the Irish Women ha..
One of the fun songs Mac's gang from St. Henri used to sing as they all rode their bikes to Pine Beach in Dorval (where I met Mac) was this one
The English Live on St. George's Street
The French they live in Cote St. Paul
But the Irish you can't beat cuz on old St. Patrick Street.
Every nation has it's treat in Montreal
So if you come from the land of the Shamrock
Where killarney's lake's are blue
Then sing a song and make a fuss
Wherever you are you're one of us
If you're Irish, this is the place for you....
Who does your laundry
O'Reilly O'really I really mean it
Don't take my shamrock away....
I may have the lyrics mixed up, but they were a crazy gang, and they sure had fun. I have pictures and many memories of the gang and how great it was to meet that boy ...Mac...
My dad was afraid I may marry him, (and of course I did) how happy he was to find out that though Mac was Irish(or so we thought) he was not Catholic. Of the seven children in the family, the first four (I think) were brought up Catholic, the last three Protestant, luckily Mac was the baby of the family and so was a Protestant, much to my dad's relief. Now I'm the only one in our family that continued to go to church, well hey I think I'm the only one
left ...oh no Mac's first cousin Mabel is still alive and she is Catholic, she still goes to Church....Have to check to see if she thinks she is of Irish decent.
Mabel is ninety years old.. Think it would be a good idea to phone her tomorrow and wish her a Happy St. Patrick's day..I'll be celebrating at a Cabana Sucre...so Happy St. Paddy's day to you all.and a ,g'nite.
In the end we think that there was an Irish ancestor and that by the time Mac's grandfather was born the family had moved to Aberdeen in Scotland for work, as that's the place where we found some background information. Mac could not get enough solid information as to his grandfather's birth record, though we did see his name in the records, could not get his birth record..
Maybe one day, one of the family will investigate further. In any case, the McConnell's always seemed to be part Irish rather than Scottish..no one spoke about St. Andrews Day, but I remember St. Paddy's was the big celebration.
Not being Irish I would go along for the ride, and celebrate like all the other Quebecers who become Irish for the day. BUT, my big moment came a few years ago when my good friend Margaret Healy became the first Woman to lead the Parade as Grand Marshal...and big thrill, she came and shook our hand as she walked along the parade route with all the other dignitaries with their top hats green ties, and shamrocks, what a great day for the Irish Women ha..
One of the fun songs Mac's gang from St. Henri used to sing as they all rode their bikes to Pine Beach in Dorval (where I met Mac) was this one
The English Live on St. George's Street
The French they live in Cote St. Paul
But the Irish you can't beat cuz on old St. Patrick Street.
Every nation has it's treat in Montreal
So if you come from the land of the Shamrock
Where killarney's lake's are blue
Then sing a song and make a fuss
Wherever you are you're one of us
If you're Irish, this is the place for you....
Who does your laundry
O'Reilly O'really I really mean it
Don't take my shamrock away....
I may have the lyrics mixed up, but they were a crazy gang, and they sure had fun. I have pictures and many memories of the gang and how great it was to meet that boy ...Mac...
My dad was afraid I may marry him, (and of course I did) how happy he was to find out that though Mac was Irish(or so we thought) he was not Catholic. Of the seven children in the family, the first four (I think) were brought up Catholic, the last three Protestant, luckily Mac was the baby of the family and so was a Protestant, much to my dad's relief. Now I'm the only one in our family that continued to go to church, well hey I think I'm the only one
left ...oh no Mac's first cousin Mabel is still alive and she is Catholic, she still goes to Church....Have to check to see if she thinks she is of Irish decent.
Mabel is ninety years old.. Think it would be a good idea to phone her tomorrow and wish her a Happy St. Patrick's day..I'll be celebrating at a Cabana Sucre...so Happy St. Paddy's day to you all.and a ,g'nite.
Wednesday 9 March 2016
Tuesday, March 09, 2016...passing our markers....
Found an old journal from 1988, Reading the page marked January 10th I read how I was moaning about the fact that in our cross country skiing through the Pine Woods between our place and Kahanawake just across the road at that time...We, Mac, two other friends and myself had passed our markers and got lost on three different occasions. I wrote, we'd have to update the markers, and make them clearer as by the time we got home we were absolutely frozen and exhausted.
I went on to write how lovely the woods were, and mentioned again, how we must make sure to upgrade the markers as the ribbons and trees we used from former years were gone just like some old friends that seemed so much a part of our lives had moved away or died...but friends, and newer ones are there still and of course my best friend and lover, Mac is here; he, like the woods is ever-changing and ever interesting.
Well that last line really threw me, I'm sure when I wrote those words, I never thought for a moment that I'd be reading them on the eve of the day that marked his dying March 09, 2016.
Life then was all about our children, our young grandchildren, how busy we were, I was on a sabbatical leave from teaching..We were planning the year - travel to the UK and Europe, how wonderful it all was, even mentioned how lucky we were to have each other. I even still had my mom at that time and made a vow to make her more a part of our life, as she was losing her sight, her best friend had died, my dad had been dead for many years by then..so the pages turn and so do our lives.
Now mom is long gone, and many of my friends as well..I miss them, but never could I ever imagine how much I would miss my dearest and closest friend, husband, lover, father of our children my Mac.
Tomorrow, these children, now adults, and some of our grandchildren will join me in remembering their dad, and grandfather. We will enjoy our memories, and be so happy that we had him, we will laugh at his crazy ways, admire his wise ways and always know how wonderful was his loving heart, for us, his wife and family. g'nite.
I went on to write how lovely the woods were, and mentioned again, how we must make sure to upgrade the markers as the ribbons and trees we used from former years were gone just like some old friends that seemed so much a part of our lives had moved away or died...but friends, and newer ones are there still and of course my best friend and lover, Mac is here; he, like the woods is ever-changing and ever interesting.
Well that last line really threw me, I'm sure when I wrote those words, I never thought for a moment that I'd be reading them on the eve of the day that marked his dying March 09, 2016.
Life then was all about our children, our young grandchildren, how busy we were, I was on a sabbatical leave from teaching..We were planning the year - travel to the UK and Europe, how wonderful it all was, even mentioned how lucky we were to have each other. I even still had my mom at that time and made a vow to make her more a part of our life, as she was losing her sight, her best friend had died, my dad had been dead for many years by then..so the pages turn and so do our lives.
Now mom is long gone, and many of my friends as well..I miss them, but never could I ever imagine how much I would miss my dearest and closest friend, husband, lover, father of our children my Mac.
Tomorrow, these children, now adults, and some of our grandchildren will join me in remembering their dad, and grandfather. We will enjoy our memories, and be so happy that we had him, we will laugh at his crazy ways, admire his wise ways and always know how wonderful was his loving heart, for us, his wife and family. g'nite.
Sunday 6 March 2016
Sunday, March 6, 2016, The sun is glorious....
Trying to be upbeat is not too hard when he sun streams into our windows..I still say our, as this is, to me, still OUR place. I have just signed a new lease for our apartment. To some of my friends they say -"well Jan you really should move on...this apartment holds too many sad memories, and there are so many people with problems in this building. Others say, look it suits you, it's beautiful, your view is great, you are near the library, a shopping center, bank, and not that far from your beloved lake.
Well both sides of the coin are true..and so when it came time to renew my lease this March, I kind of went to one side of the coin, i.e. it's time to move on. I have to get a new outlook on life, see new people, get into a new (to me) place. Then I would go to the other side, the staff, and many people here know me. I'm enjoying the close proximity to the new library, in fact I've even joined a new book group which meets in the evening once a month, right at the library next door, how convenient is that. I'm not that far from the lake where the Teapot, the yoga, zumba and so many other activies take place..why bother with the bother of moving.
So I did it, I renewed my lease, with the idea that okay, next year if I'm finding the walk down to the lake (takes me 15 minutes on good days)too much, I'll move to a residence closer to the lake.. The residence I'm thinking of really has some advantages, along with being closer to the lake, it also houses some friends that are able to play scrabble, has better food service and a small pool..so it is there for me, so now it's think about it for next year...
Well for the friends in this building, Alice, my almost blind and very old friend, who remembers my dear Mac. She is the one who says I don't let them clean the mark on the wall there, as that's where Mac's chair used o scrape..she always says "that's Mac's mark". The preposees who still hug me, the wonderful woman who was the first woman priest of the Anglican church, who still at the age of 91, plays piano, makes her own dresses, writes papers for seminars at McGill and so on and on..and my newer friend Lina partially blind, who tells me stories, and with whom I commiserate as we wonder how things will be when her family place her husband in a facility away from her. Also my neighbours on this floor who are with it but ailing in various ways..these friends are all quite happy I'm staying on...so that's it
Now, it's a Sunny Sunday, and time to get ready for church, where I will sit in the pew where Mac and I both sat..I will pass his ashes that are outside in the churchyard under his bench..and I will get on with the day, my life and Thank God, The sun is Glorious...solong...
Well both sides of the coin are true..and so when it came time to renew my lease this March, I kind of went to one side of the coin, i.e. it's time to move on. I have to get a new outlook on life, see new people, get into a new (to me) place. Then I would go to the other side, the staff, and many people here know me. I'm enjoying the close proximity to the new library, in fact I've even joined a new book group which meets in the evening once a month, right at the library next door, how convenient is that. I'm not that far from the lake where the Teapot, the yoga, zumba and so many other activies take place..why bother with the bother of moving.
So I did it, I renewed my lease, with the idea that okay, next year if I'm finding the walk down to the lake (takes me 15 minutes on good days)too much, I'll move to a residence closer to the lake.. The residence I'm thinking of really has some advantages, along with being closer to the lake, it also houses some friends that are able to play scrabble, has better food service and a small pool..so it is there for me, so now it's think about it for next year...
Well for the friends in this building, Alice, my almost blind and very old friend, who remembers my dear Mac. She is the one who says I don't let them clean the mark on the wall there, as that's where Mac's chair used o scrape..she always says "that's Mac's mark". The preposees who still hug me, the wonderful woman who was the first woman priest of the Anglican church, who still at the age of 91, plays piano, makes her own dresses, writes papers for seminars at McGill and so on and on..and my newer friend Lina partially blind, who tells me stories, and with whom I commiserate as we wonder how things will be when her family place her husband in a facility away from her. Also my neighbours on this floor who are with it but ailing in various ways..these friends are all quite happy I'm staying on...so that's it
Now, it's a Sunny Sunday, and time to get ready for church, where I will sit in the pew where Mac and I both sat..I will pass his ashes that are outside in the churchyard under his bench..and I will get on with the day, my life and Thank God, The sun is Glorious...solong...
Tuesday 1 March 2016
Tuesday, March 1, 2016,,,you are my raison d'etre
This is the month that Mac died last year...He used to say "you are my raison d'etre but I now know that he was really my "reason to be"..Every day I realize that more and more..I'm fortunate, in that I've got many friends both male and female, and I have so much support, life is never dull..
yet underlying everything I do I think of Mac, and try to think what he would say or do about whatever I'm up to. Sometimes as I get ready for bed and look at his picture, I laugh and say, well I really goofed today, or I say when will I realize I'm an old lady, and stop dancing ...stop trying to carry heavy things, stop trying to do my yoga or zumba as well as the young teachers..then I flop in our bed and try to decide which side I should lie on, wishing there is only one side - the one beside him.
Yesterday I bent a nice guy's ear telling him all about Mac, how crazy - he must have wished he'd never offered to drive me home from our group at the Teapot (an over 55 club). That's how it is, I join different activities that stretch my body, or my mind and then there is no Mac to bounce the ideas or the thoughts that are there.
I would so love to hear what he would say about what's happening in the U.S. re the presidential candidates ( if one could say that Trump was a candidate?? unreal)..I have an mp3 received from an old friend who saved a tape of Mac speaking about elections in Jamaica, and in Australia..wonder what he'd say about this one...I could take a few good guesses... but they would never really hit the mark.
Strange even though he had Alzheimer's and was not - so called with it, I remember how with it at times he was, and of course my mind goes back to before those sad ending years to the conversations, travels etc we had throughout our marriage.
Just recently returned from a lovely vacation in Florida..which reminded me how we would walk along the beach, body surf in the waves, then Mac would read the latest news from the Florida papers, and discuss the news, and finally just lie on his towel, going so dark never ever getting a burn...we would say, we should stay here for a month, but by 8 days, he and I would be happy to return to our own place in the sun.
Well I am happy to be back in my own place, where I can feel even closer to my family, my cat Mischa...and my sweet memories of Mac so g'nite.
yet underlying everything I do I think of Mac, and try to think what he would say or do about whatever I'm up to. Sometimes as I get ready for bed and look at his picture, I laugh and say, well I really goofed today, or I say when will I realize I'm an old lady, and stop dancing ...stop trying to carry heavy things, stop trying to do my yoga or zumba as well as the young teachers..then I flop in our bed and try to decide which side I should lie on, wishing there is only one side - the one beside him.
Yesterday I bent a nice guy's ear telling him all about Mac, how crazy - he must have wished he'd never offered to drive me home from our group at the Teapot (an over 55 club). That's how it is, I join different activities that stretch my body, or my mind and then there is no Mac to bounce the ideas or the thoughts that are there.
I would so love to hear what he would say about what's happening in the U.S. re the presidential candidates ( if one could say that Trump was a candidate?? unreal)..I have an mp3 received from an old friend who saved a tape of Mac speaking about elections in Jamaica, and in Australia..wonder what he'd say about this one...I could take a few good guesses... but they would never really hit the mark.
Strange even though he had Alzheimer's and was not - so called with it, I remember how with it at times he was, and of course my mind goes back to before those sad ending years to the conversations, travels etc we had throughout our marriage.
Just recently returned from a lovely vacation in Florida..which reminded me how we would walk along the beach, body surf in the waves, then Mac would read the latest news from the Florida papers, and discuss the news, and finally just lie on his towel, going so dark never ever getting a burn...we would say, we should stay here for a month, but by 8 days, he and I would be happy to return to our own place in the sun.
Well I am happy to be back in my own place, where I can feel even closer to my family, my cat Mischa...and my sweet memories of Mac so g'nite.
Monday 15 February 2016
Monday, February 15, 2016 I have decided to stop...
Well what has my friend downstairs decided? She has decided to stop crying about the fact that her husband will be placed in a private small residence. She just knows it will not work out..so she said I have decided to stop...not only crying, but talking about how he will not manage, how her husband is ninety seven and will not be able to take adaptataxi to visit her. He used to take the bus to visit her here, but he will not manage she says to dial properly and talk to the people who run the taxi service So again she said, I have decided to stop..
So I contributed my two cents, saying why don't we just wait and see things might not be so bad he may just take a regular taxi to visit. NEVER, she said, he would say that is too much money. He is ninety seven but he thinks he will live forever, when the house gets sold he will have put the money away and never use it.
In a way it's strange, she never had a good word to say about her husband, but that was her business, obviously she and he still love each other..Apparently when her son was explaining where he will place his dad, to the two of them, his dad said "but what about mum, when will I see her", the son kind of ignored that, so my friend the wife, piped up...He will not be happy in such a small space. He did not ignore that, he said, stop throwing rocks in the way..
Well as I said it's none of my business, but I did ask, o.k.just when will all this take place, hoping it was still in the thinking stage. But no, the date is set he is moving April 1..(I didn't mention, April Fool Day...just thought it.).
So when thinking of the day thought of yesterday Valentine's Day, it would have made such a nice story if I could have said, well it's o.k.they have decided to move their dad here to be near mum..Happy Valentine's day, but no instead..its April fool. well sometimes, April Fool jokes are fun, let's hope something fun will come out of this yet.
One good thing, she has stopped crying..so have I, well not exactly, I still cry, in fact a little every day, like the song says "each day is Valentine's Day"so I eat my chocolates, and gain weight. You look rested says the preposee downstairs -
I am resting, while I'm enjoying my course on "Women and War" given by the Thomas More Institute..my yoga classes, my zumba class my walks to check out the Mac's ashes which are now under the snow..Attend the concerts with our season tickets, and even went out for dinner and dancing at The Teapot, and danced the night away..So a little bit of Valentine sadness with a little bit of April Fool fun. Mix it up,as I've decided to stop...and enjoy.
So I contributed my two cents, saying why don't we just wait and see things might not be so bad he may just take a regular taxi to visit. NEVER, she said, he would say that is too much money. He is ninety seven but he thinks he will live forever, when the house gets sold he will have put the money away and never use it.
In a way it's strange, she never had a good word to say about her husband, but that was her business, obviously she and he still love each other..Apparently when her son was explaining where he will place his dad, to the two of them, his dad said "but what about mum, when will I see her", the son kind of ignored that, so my friend the wife, piped up...He will not be happy in such a small space. He did not ignore that, he said, stop throwing rocks in the way..
Well as I said it's none of my business, but I did ask, o.k.just when will all this take place, hoping it was still in the thinking stage. But no, the date is set he is moving April 1..(I didn't mention, April Fool Day...just thought it.).
So when thinking of the day thought of yesterday Valentine's Day, it would have made such a nice story if I could have said, well it's o.k.they have decided to move their dad here to be near mum..Happy Valentine's day, but no instead..its April fool. well sometimes, April Fool jokes are fun, let's hope something fun will come out of this yet.
One good thing, she has stopped crying..so have I, well not exactly, I still cry, in fact a little every day, like the song says "each day is Valentine's Day"so I eat my chocolates, and gain weight. You look rested says the preposee downstairs -
I am resting, while I'm enjoying my course on "Women and War" given by the Thomas More Institute..my yoga classes, my zumba class my walks to check out the Mac's ashes which are now under the snow..Attend the concerts with our season tickets, and even went out for dinner and dancing at The Teapot, and danced the night away..So a little bit of Valentine sadness with a little bit of April Fool fun. Mix it up,as I've decided to stop...and enjoy.
Thursday 11 February 2016
Thusday, February 11, 2016 It's not right....
I really can't give any names, but I'm not able to sleep thinking of one of the residents who is feeling so upset.. She said, it's not right...and really I don't think it's right either, but I don't know how to change it, and it's really none of my business.
She is living here because she needs help, she has problems walking, partially blind as well as other problems, but her mind is still good and she has a great sense of humour. It's really fun to visit with her and I try to visit about once a week.
This time though her humour was sarcastic and although funny it was bitter, her children have decided her husband should no longer live on his own, he is really not that well, and though he is well over ninety, walks well and has a good mind, he is getting weaker and they are concerned. He still lives in the house and visits his wife here, and does not really want to move. But he does realize it is time. This is the part that my friend feels it's not right..his children want him to move to a small place, and not here.
He has accepted this apparently, and although she knows that they never got along that well, she feels he should live in an apartment in this residence so he can continue to visit her and she could visit him. Their children think otherwise, telling her, they always argue, don't get along, and so therefore, it doesn't matter that he lives in another place.
Separation is part of our lives as we get old..either through sickness, and in most cases, death..It's always terrible, and we know it will happen to every couple, but when it is imposed on the couple by others somehow, I don't think it's right either.
Bickering and outright arguments are for some couples part of their lives. I can remember my own kids telling Mac and I to stop bickering, I know my friend has told me she heard us or me, really yelling at Mac. Now I hear other couples do this when I'm with friends or family, and I know it's not crucial, they still love each other. I'm sure the couple would take it very insulting and completely unacceptable to be told they have to live separately. No matter what age the couple are I think they should make that decision for themselves
Well I don't know what the outcome of all this is going to be, but as my friend says, It's not right, and I agree...but sad to say I can't do anything but say to my friend, well, maybe things will turn out for the best once he is moved, he will perhaps not like the place and your children will agree with you and move him here. That of course is not the answer she wants to hear..but it looks like that's the way it will have to be as I notice as one gets really old and fragile, others take complete control...hmmm..
so far it's not happening to me, but then my separation has already happened naturally, it sure isn't right for me, but I must face the fact, my Mac is never coming back. We bickered, we argued, but we sure did love each other and I have to keep on living, so I'm going to make sure I have my wits about me.
I'm going to live as well as I can, to enjoy my days knowing that one day we will be together again, or who knows, maybe not, no one really knows ...but it's something couples should think about before they get too old to handle their own lives, don't bicker or argue so much that your kids think it's better for you to be apart, make sure you both are the ones to make that decision for yourselves. Make sure to love each other to the end, as then parting is a "sweet sorrow".
g'nite.
She is living here because she needs help, she has problems walking, partially blind as well as other problems, but her mind is still good and she has a great sense of humour. It's really fun to visit with her and I try to visit about once a week.
This time though her humour was sarcastic and although funny it was bitter, her children have decided her husband should no longer live on his own, he is really not that well, and though he is well over ninety, walks well and has a good mind, he is getting weaker and they are concerned. He still lives in the house and visits his wife here, and does not really want to move. But he does realize it is time. This is the part that my friend feels it's not right..his children want him to move to a small place, and not here.
He has accepted this apparently, and although she knows that they never got along that well, she feels he should live in an apartment in this residence so he can continue to visit her and she could visit him. Their children think otherwise, telling her, they always argue, don't get along, and so therefore, it doesn't matter that he lives in another place.
Separation is part of our lives as we get old..either through sickness, and in most cases, death..It's always terrible, and we know it will happen to every couple, but when it is imposed on the couple by others somehow, I don't think it's right either.
Bickering and outright arguments are for some couples part of their lives. I can remember my own kids telling Mac and I to stop bickering, I know my friend has told me she heard us or me, really yelling at Mac. Now I hear other couples do this when I'm with friends or family, and I know it's not crucial, they still love each other. I'm sure the couple would take it very insulting and completely unacceptable to be told they have to live separately. No matter what age the couple are I think they should make that decision for themselves
Well I don't know what the outcome of all this is going to be, but as my friend says, It's not right, and I agree...but sad to say I can't do anything but say to my friend, well, maybe things will turn out for the best once he is moved, he will perhaps not like the place and your children will agree with you and move him here. That of course is not the answer she wants to hear..but it looks like that's the way it will have to be as I notice as one gets really old and fragile, others take complete control...hmmm..
so far it's not happening to me, but then my separation has already happened naturally, it sure isn't right for me, but I must face the fact, my Mac is never coming back. We bickered, we argued, but we sure did love each other and I have to keep on living, so I'm going to make sure I have my wits about me.
I'm going to live as well as I can, to enjoy my days knowing that one day we will be together again, or who knows, maybe not, no one really knows ...but it's something couples should think about before they get too old to handle their own lives, don't bicker or argue so much that your kids think it's better for you to be apart, make sure you both are the ones to make that decision for yourselves. Make sure to love each other to the end, as then parting is a "sweet sorrow".
g'nite.
Wednesday 3 February 2016
Wednesday, February 3, 2016 Where's the remote.....
One of the things I like to do in a kind of memory of Mac is to sit with Alma, my friend's mom. Alma has Alzheimer's she had to be placed in the building behind our building, so it's really convenient. I had all the instructions on the t.v. which has so many channels and is completely foreign territory for me...so I was going over the instructions in my head as I walked over to see Alma..
The programs we watch together are Jeopardy and whatever comes before or after, these programs were never watched by Mac, in fact he hardly ever watched t.v. in the last few years of his life, so neither did I. When I arrived on the scene i.e. Alma's room, no Alma...So I walked around the hallways, and eventually found her down the end of a hall looking at her little address book, and the numbers on the walls near the rooms. So as you can see she is really on target for some things.
When I approached and said, "hi ...what are you doing over here Alma? " She said, I'm looking for my home. She then gave me her room number, so I said oh good let's go to your place. So she was so pleased, reading her room number 303, then reading her phone number. She would repeat it all along the hallway, as I pushed her wheelchair. Was quite contented when she saw the number and her name..and there we were happily settling down in her room. I said o.k. let's watch our programs..well, there we were and of course..no remote. I didn't have a clue as to how to get the channels on this t.v. with buttons. Once before I had asked the nurse, as I'd gone through this scenario a couple of times.and the personnel are as dim as I am it was 6:30 by this time. The shows come on at 7:00 - 8:00..
So on to the next chapter, "find the remote", it's amazing one room - but cupboard, drawers, clothing, bed, blankets, window seat, etc etc.fridge, bathroom. Where could the damn thing be. Naturally Alma has hidden it, but where, does she remember, NO!!..There was Alma staring at the blank screen, waiting patiently.
Well, was I patient, absolutely NOT...diving all over the place, finally thinking o.k. I'll phone her daughter, but did I have the cell #,no...did I think to look at the special book that has all this info, which was shown to me a couple of times before, NO. I knew her daughter was with my daughter Gaye, did I have Gaye's cell number. NO..talk about frustration..I decided, o.k. get Gaye's number from her brother Les, well talk about someone who is clued out..ME.
Alma was quite calm, patient, and understanding, (she is supposed to be the one with problems - ha). I couldn't believe it, as I was talking to Jane,(Leslie's wife) I started to think hey what did I do with my cell phone, "hello...I'm using it to talk to Jane, like am I going round the bend or what.." Well thankfully we started to talk about something other than my quest for Gaye's number, plus my quest for the g.d. remote, all the while I'm looking through drawers, coat pockets, under the bed. Decided to go through the clothing in the second drawer.(again)..surprise. there's the remote. Just on time, 7:00 p.m.
Well happy days we were fine, and I even remembered the darn channel #, 2302 without checking the book. And there was her program. Alma was even able to fill in one of the blanks which was BOY...I congratulated her and gave her a big hug..She was so pleased and so was I. Then it was time for her nightly snack...and finally time for the mixed up person to leave..that's me..
Who knows why Alma would hide the remote, but I have a sneaking hunch it's to have fun watching poor sillies like me flipping all over the place, to please her. Like what would happen if I didn't find it, we would look at magazines, we would talk, we would enjoy..I often wonder about people who are supposed to have all their marbles and then lose them...
Mac would have had a great laugh at all this. I came home and thought to myself, well no wonder I'm not t.v. savvy, we never watched the darn thing for most of the last 3 years..He just loved to listen to music..I'd play all his fave cds..good thing he's not here now, as somehow my cd player is broken..can't play cds..lucky I know how to switch on the radio...hello Mac, here is TONIC...jazz on radio...cbc..our fave. g'nite love you..xxx
The programs we watch together are Jeopardy and whatever comes before or after, these programs were never watched by Mac, in fact he hardly ever watched t.v. in the last few years of his life, so neither did I. When I arrived on the scene i.e. Alma's room, no Alma...So I walked around the hallways, and eventually found her down the end of a hall looking at her little address book, and the numbers on the walls near the rooms. So as you can see she is really on target for some things.
When I approached and said, "hi ...what are you doing over here Alma? " She said, I'm looking for my home. She then gave me her room number, so I said oh good let's go to your place. So she was so pleased, reading her room number 303, then reading her phone number. She would repeat it all along the hallway, as I pushed her wheelchair. Was quite contented when she saw the number and her name..and there we were happily settling down in her room. I said o.k. let's watch our programs..well, there we were and of course..no remote. I didn't have a clue as to how to get the channels on this t.v. with buttons. Once before I had asked the nurse, as I'd gone through this scenario a couple of times.and the personnel are as dim as I am it was 6:30 by this time. The shows come on at 7:00 - 8:00..
So on to the next chapter, "find the remote", it's amazing one room - but cupboard, drawers, clothing, bed, blankets, window seat, etc etc.fridge, bathroom. Where could the damn thing be. Naturally Alma has hidden it, but where, does she remember, NO!!..There was Alma staring at the blank screen, waiting patiently.
Well, was I patient, absolutely NOT...diving all over the place, finally thinking o.k. I'll phone her daughter, but did I have the cell #,no...did I think to look at the special book that has all this info, which was shown to me a couple of times before, NO. I knew her daughter was with my daughter Gaye, did I have Gaye's cell number. NO..talk about frustration..I decided, o.k. get Gaye's number from her brother Les, well talk about someone who is clued out..ME.
Alma was quite calm, patient, and understanding, (she is supposed to be the one with problems - ha). I couldn't believe it, as I was talking to Jane,(Leslie's wife) I started to think hey what did I do with my cell phone, "hello...I'm using it to talk to Jane, like am I going round the bend or what.." Well thankfully we started to talk about something other than my quest for Gaye's number, plus my quest for the g.d. remote, all the while I'm looking through drawers, coat pockets, under the bed. Decided to go through the clothing in the second drawer.(again)..surprise. there's the remote. Just on time, 7:00 p.m.
Well happy days we were fine, and I even remembered the darn channel #, 2302 without checking the book. And there was her program. Alma was even able to fill in one of the blanks which was BOY...I congratulated her and gave her a big hug..She was so pleased and so was I. Then it was time for her nightly snack...and finally time for the mixed up person to leave..that's me..
Who knows why Alma would hide the remote, but I have a sneaking hunch it's to have fun watching poor sillies like me flipping all over the place, to please her. Like what would happen if I didn't find it, we would look at magazines, we would talk, we would enjoy..I often wonder about people who are supposed to have all their marbles and then lose them...
Mac would have had a great laugh at all this. I came home and thought to myself, well no wonder I'm not t.v. savvy, we never watched the darn thing for most of the last 3 years..He just loved to listen to music..I'd play all his fave cds..good thing he's not here now, as somehow my cd player is broken..can't play cds..lucky I know how to switch on the radio...hello Mac, here is TONIC...jazz on radio...cbc..our fave. g'nite love you..xxx
Saturday 30 January 2016
Saturday, January 30, 2016...Lady of the lake still...
Everyone has some sadness in their lives, even little children, some more than others as we look at the Syrian refugees and those living displaced lives, one can only try to be a support monetarily if not physically. Talking of support, I think that is the basis of love. My good friend is going through such a hard time watching and helping her daughter and her family as her daughter is going through cancer treatments.
This is such a scourge, cancer, as well as Parkinson disease, ALS, Alsheimers etc...without naming the friends that have these diseases, I am trying to be positive and a support and although in some cases the problems is age-related... many of my friends suffering these diseases are young, like the young mother going through one treatment after another. This is what I wrote in an email to that family as I listen to how they support one another.:-
It is such a truth - supporting each other in this kind of situation is the key to keeping everyone positive, we have had this, as you know. This is when we see how much family and friends mean. Not to forget the medical care -
Having all that explained fully and knowing just what is expected - well courage and love to all I will keep thinking and praying for all of you and I take away the hell on earth part..and say live in the good moments...xxxjan.
So equating support as LOVE for one another is what life is all about..that is the way to being positive..
Yesterday, I did my usual walk along the lake.sat on "our bench" said hello to Mac and communed with him and nature. The lake is pretty well frozen, some people are out "ice-fishing" a sport(?) I often wonder about..how much fun is there in sitting on a chair beside a hole or holes in the ice waiting to catch fish - but perhaps that is their way of dealing with stress in life, who knows, I don't know any ice fishermen.
Today I have started the day with that email and it started me thinking about the early days of Mac's memory and how he struggled with it. So I read a couple of pages from a lovely little journal, with a beautiful cover and hand made paper. I wrote... this book is strictly for poems, good thoughts, songs and all things positive. The date Oct. 7, 2011 - That would have been about three years into really seeing the effects of the big A. on Mac. well those wonderful ideas i.e. poems songs and positive thoughts kind of went by the wayside as LIFE got in the way. On Oct. 30th 2011..I was happy that Mac remembered an old friend he used to see in Buffalo..remembered the first and last name and was so thrilled with himself..I was so happy for him, I couldn't remember the name at all, though we both were talking about the fun we had with that friend when we were teen-agers.
Another entry in that journal takes us to 2012 - Mac said "I'm so happy we're back together, we've been apart for so long. " Well we were not apart, but somehow in his mind we were..I tried to explain that he had a memory problem, then realized that was not really helpful..so said I'm happy we're together too. He said your name is Janet, I'll never forget it-I see that I have written, "he probably will, but I won't let him ever forget me."
The time goes by and LOVE continues, we supported and loved each other in our family, and still do.. and like my friend said, with support we are able to continue and be positive. Enjoy the good moments and appreciate each other...g'day I'm off to the lake.
This is such a scourge, cancer, as well as Parkinson disease, ALS, Alsheimers etc...without naming the friends that have these diseases, I am trying to be positive and a support and although in some cases the problems is age-related... many of my friends suffering these diseases are young, like the young mother going through one treatment after another. This is what I wrote in an email to that family as I listen to how they support one another.:-
It is such a truth - supporting each other in this kind of situation is the key to keeping everyone positive, we have had this, as you know. This is when we see how much family and friends mean. Not to forget the medical care -
Having all that explained fully and knowing just what is expected - well courage and love to all I will keep thinking and praying for all of you and I take away the hell on earth part..and say live in the good moments...xxxjan.
So equating support as LOVE for one another is what life is all about..that is the way to being positive..
Yesterday, I did my usual walk along the lake.sat on "our bench" said hello to Mac and communed with him and nature. The lake is pretty well frozen, some people are out "ice-fishing" a sport(?) I often wonder about..how much fun is there in sitting on a chair beside a hole or holes in the ice waiting to catch fish - but perhaps that is their way of dealing with stress in life, who knows, I don't know any ice fishermen.
Today I have started the day with that email and it started me thinking about the early days of Mac's memory and how he struggled with it. So I read a couple of pages from a lovely little journal, with a beautiful cover and hand made paper. I wrote... this book is strictly for poems, good thoughts, songs and all things positive. The date Oct. 7, 2011 - That would have been about three years into really seeing the effects of the big A. on Mac. well those wonderful ideas i.e. poems songs and positive thoughts kind of went by the wayside as LIFE got in the way. On Oct. 30th 2011..I was happy that Mac remembered an old friend he used to see in Buffalo..remembered the first and last name and was so thrilled with himself..I was so happy for him, I couldn't remember the name at all, though we both were talking about the fun we had with that friend when we were teen-agers.
Another entry in that journal takes us to 2012 - Mac said "I'm so happy we're back together, we've been apart for so long. " Well we were not apart, but somehow in his mind we were..I tried to explain that he had a memory problem, then realized that was not really helpful..so said I'm happy we're together too. He said your name is Janet, I'll never forget it-I see that I have written, "he probably will, but I won't let him ever forget me."
The time goes by and LOVE continues, we supported and loved each other in our family, and still do.. and like my friend said, with support we are able to continue and be positive. Enjoy the good moments and appreciate each other...g'day I'm off to the lake.
Saturday 23 January 2016
Saturday, January 23, 2016 The bits and pieces of the past....
Today, a special day..a celebration of our great grandbaby Lachlan's first birthday..this baby has to be one of the most contented of children..but then why not, he has it all. When I say all, I mean LOVE. Love is what makes the world go round as we know, and it is also what supplies confidence, peace, joy and all the other good things that we need to live a happy life. Well our little Lachlan has that because his life is just permeated with love. How happy he was to take six steps today (sideways) to his dad, and how happy we all were to watch him do this.
When I think of the little children who are in a world with war, disease and hunger I realize just how can they grow up to be happy and peaceful - it is impossible. I don't dwell on this, but it reminds me of how each time Mac would see on t.v. or read in the papers about the situation in other countries, he would just shake his head and say, "this has got to stop, we over here have it all, and unless we share - unless we help and change the situation, our chickens will be coming home to roost", and by this he meant the times will change and the "have nots" will be taking what is rightfully theirs a chance to grow up in a peaceful, loving and caring environment. He always agreed with the slogan "he who is silent, consents"
Anyway, back to happier thoughts, I try to write bits and pieces wherever I am when something interesting or funny is said so I won't forget. As I was writing a birthday gift cheque today,it turned out to be the last in my book..and there I saw a little scrawl, I realized I must have written something that appealed to me and not having paper, or my agenda I guess I used the back of the cheque book..I had to get my magnifying glass I had written it so small. This is what I wrote- "I just tried wiggling into a new bathing suit here in a changing room and I heard Mac's great laugh"..I can't remember if I was in Winners or in a store in Maine, or it could have been in Florida..but I do remember feeling so kind of embarrassed, knowing that the bathing suit was definitely too small, why did I think it would fit..and then I heard the laugh, and said.."I know, I know, I'm not size 8 anymore that's for sure"... So there was my little bit of the past that made me laugh to read it..and how I loved Mac's laugh. For sure that was Mac, there were no men in the changing room.
I was speaking to a woman recently, the wife of our friend Paul, who died, the celebration of his life will be Saturday. She said "I used to say to Paul, please stop running the hot water like that - put a plug in the sink, and save us some money"..Apparently he never did, and the hot water would just run down the drain, this always made her so angry. Well just after he died she woke up to hear the hot water running, she went to the bathroom sink and was only able to turn off the hot water by closing the pipe under the sink. Well, she then said, "O.K. Paul that's enough"..or words to that effect.
I have heard people say that bits and pieces of the voice, the face, or the spirit of our loved ones come back to us after they have gone. I did mention, in another blog, I saw Mac's face over mine when I lay in shavinasta (or whatever it's called) in yoga, but I had completely forgotten his laugh in the changing room till I read that little scribble. It gave me such a feeling of love and joy. I hope he was there in spirit at Lachlan's party, though to be honest I certainly did not have any indication of this, but how he would have enjoyed the party, and of course his great grandson Lachlan and all the family.
There are so many stories of how we try to remember and in so doing may cause these sort of experiences, but I had not been trying to remember Mac in those two episodes, it was really right out of the blue.
Speaking of this, I remember once being on a train, not to long after my dear friend Joslyn died, I was sitting there as the train roared along, peacefully reading a book, when I heard her laugh which was one of the most musical laughs I have ever heard. Without thinking I put my book down, leaped up and started running along the passage through the train, got through two cars before I realized, of course that's not Jos, she is dead..I went sadly back to my seat, wondering , well how did that happen.
Another time, I was at my computer reading an email from my friend Louise, my mom had died quite some time before that...Louise claims to be psychic at times, though I never ask her to give a reading or whatever she does for people. So I was surprised to read, "your mom wants you to know how much she loves you...and that's all your mom said, but then she left chuckling so much. "...Well for one thing my mom was deaf, spoke sign language, so I wondered how Louise heard her say this hmmm???.but what really got to me was Louise writing, "your mom left chuckling" well that was something my mom did, in fact at the residence where she lived before her death...they called her "smiles and chuckles"...so ..all this took place many years ago now.. obviously I haven't had many of these "visitations " or what ever they are called.
But who knows when a bit or piece from the past will come to us..in any case I'm open to it, maybe in a dream, Gaye our daughter dreamt of Mac last night. Gaye said " He was looking for some girl, - and in my dream, I told him the girl's name is Jan." So maybe I'll see him in my dreams...g'nite.
When I think of the little children who are in a world with war, disease and hunger I realize just how can they grow up to be happy and peaceful - it is impossible. I don't dwell on this, but it reminds me of how each time Mac would see on t.v. or read in the papers about the situation in other countries, he would just shake his head and say, "this has got to stop, we over here have it all, and unless we share - unless we help and change the situation, our chickens will be coming home to roost", and by this he meant the times will change and the "have nots" will be taking what is rightfully theirs a chance to grow up in a peaceful, loving and caring environment. He always agreed with the slogan "he who is silent, consents"
Anyway, back to happier thoughts, I try to write bits and pieces wherever I am when something interesting or funny is said so I won't forget. As I was writing a birthday gift cheque today,it turned out to be the last in my book..and there I saw a little scrawl, I realized I must have written something that appealed to me and not having paper, or my agenda I guess I used the back of the cheque book..I had to get my magnifying glass I had written it so small. This is what I wrote- "I just tried wiggling into a new bathing suit here in a changing room and I heard Mac's great laugh"..I can't remember if I was in Winners or in a store in Maine, or it could have been in Florida..but I do remember feeling so kind of embarrassed, knowing that the bathing suit was definitely too small, why did I think it would fit..and then I heard the laugh, and said.."I know, I know, I'm not size 8 anymore that's for sure"... So there was my little bit of the past that made me laugh to read it..and how I loved Mac's laugh. For sure that was Mac, there were no men in the changing room.
I was speaking to a woman recently, the wife of our friend Paul, who died, the celebration of his life will be Saturday. She said "I used to say to Paul, please stop running the hot water like that - put a plug in the sink, and save us some money"..Apparently he never did, and the hot water would just run down the drain, this always made her so angry. Well just after he died she woke up to hear the hot water running, she went to the bathroom sink and was only able to turn off the hot water by closing the pipe under the sink. Well, she then said, "O.K. Paul that's enough"..or words to that effect.
I have heard people say that bits and pieces of the voice, the face, or the spirit of our loved ones come back to us after they have gone. I did mention, in another blog, I saw Mac's face over mine when I lay in shavinasta (or whatever it's called) in yoga, but I had completely forgotten his laugh in the changing room till I read that little scribble. It gave me such a feeling of love and joy. I hope he was there in spirit at Lachlan's party, though to be honest I certainly did not have any indication of this, but how he would have enjoyed the party, and of course his great grandson Lachlan and all the family.
There are so many stories of how we try to remember and in so doing may cause these sort of experiences, but I had not been trying to remember Mac in those two episodes, it was really right out of the blue.
Speaking of this, I remember once being on a train, not to long after my dear friend Joslyn died, I was sitting there as the train roared along, peacefully reading a book, when I heard her laugh which was one of the most musical laughs I have ever heard. Without thinking I put my book down, leaped up and started running along the passage through the train, got through two cars before I realized, of course that's not Jos, she is dead..I went sadly back to my seat, wondering , well how did that happen.
Another time, I was at my computer reading an email from my friend Louise, my mom had died quite some time before that...Louise claims to be psychic at times, though I never ask her to give a reading or whatever she does for people. So I was surprised to read, "your mom wants you to know how much she loves you...and that's all your mom said, but then she left chuckling so much. "...Well for one thing my mom was deaf, spoke sign language, so I wondered how Louise heard her say this hmmm???.but what really got to me was Louise writing, "your mom left chuckling" well that was something my mom did, in fact at the residence where she lived before her death...they called her "smiles and chuckles"...so ..all this took place many years ago now.. obviously I haven't had many of these "visitations " or what ever they are called.
But who knows when a bit or piece from the past will come to us..in any case I'm open to it, maybe in a dream, Gaye our daughter dreamt of Mac last night. Gaye said " He was looking for some girl, - and in my dream, I told him the girl's name is Jan." So maybe I'll see him in my dreams...g'nite.
Sunday 17 January 2016
Sunday, January 17, 2016 Life's pains and loneliness.
David Bowie was interviewed on the Strombo Show, Bowie spoke about how much he injected his feelings of loneliness and that at the end we are truly alone and he put it into his music.
Not knowing too much of Bowie's music, but hearing his words made me think of Mac and how he never complained of loneliness. In work he had his office, his music to listen to, he was one of the first to have a radio in his office. Yet he hardly ever discussed his work. After work he played hockey on a team- ran kid hockey teams. When he retired he could be considered a true loner. He could stay in his office with so many choices of how to spend his time, that is, on the computer working out his investments, doing crossword puzzles up the zing zang, reading poetry and Irish history, working on his family research, working on accumulating great restaurant reviews, he had tons of files on everything from good wines to old pictures of Railway stations that he loved.. Not to mention checking out my stuff,the environmental committee, my Teaching material, Literacy Council, Church in International Affairs, and running our own household affairs...he never seemed to need anyone.
I on the other hand always needed people, I could be alone for whole days, but that would be an exception. Of course, the main person I needed was him and he was always there for me..being happy to be the one important person in my life, and loving to be the person who ran my life.
My stories were his stories, just as the problems and fun with our kids were shared in depth so were the stories of the kids in my class, or my friends and the people I met. Sometimes he would tell my stories as if they were his. Kathy a friend recently said, how fun it was to hear us tell stories, and how I'd say wait a minute Mac, that's my story.
Now I see how much he did for me, as I look at my bank statements and think hmmm now where did I spend that money, hmm which phone service do I have, oh yeah I am with videotron for what, oh yes, t.v., what phone service. Videotron had to tell me, I changed it over to Videotron so they could do everything, but Mac had all this at his fingertips, I went along blithely in a beautiful trance, no wonder I would say, I certainly hope I go first..well that didn't work out.
Today I so wished I could tell him about poor Alice downstairs sitting in her wheelchair hair cut short now, lying there with her huge tummy covered with a lap blanket and shocking the bejesus out of me when I saw her purple and black eye. What the devil hit you I said. Turns out the preposees were giving her a bath and the kind of phone shower thingee hit her in the eyes..Wow, poor Alice, she grabbed my hand and put it on her heart, saying well where were you when I needed you. Well yeah, where was I, did that ever make me think.
Decided then to check out Lina as well, there she was in her semi blindness, sitting in her chair listening to her tape and knitting, but so happy to tell me her latest story. That story kind of made me sad but laugh so much, she had just had her toenails cut, not here I won't say where or who..but the woman who was cutting her toenails all of a sudden, jumped up and ran to the sink washing her face..At first Lina thought she was throwing up, as the woman was pushing her face under the tap, and kind of going ahh; BUT,this is what happened apparently when she clipped Alice's toenail, the little piece of nail jumped up and went straight in her eye..yikes. Then the woman was so rattled she cut a bit of Lina's little toe, (hate to say it but I laughed out loud) now Lina has to have her toe washed and dressed with meds every second day..
Poor Lina (age 91) laughed and said I'm o.k. as I drink a little water from my special cup which comes from the Czech Republic. Intrigued with the cup I took it and there it was with a kind of tea -spout that one sips from; it has a handle like a regular cup, not knowing that it was still filled with water I turned it over to see if it showed Czech republic on the bottom, and spilled it all over myself and the floor. Well the two of us howled with laughter, after using up much of her paper towels, I cleaned the floor, my bag, myself, and took off for my own apartment, wishing I could tell all this to my sweet Mac..so I'm telling it all to my blog.
We are Mac's eternity, so I'm thinking of how he would have laughed too and commiserated with Alice, and Lina. Alice said to me I wish you would buy a pendant put his ashes right in and hang it around your neck, she said I would pet the pendant.(not going to happen.)
Les (our son) is his eternity as well, as he emailed me a picture of Mac's hockey stick and skates, telling me how much fun he had using them today, and saying I don't think I could be on a team now that I'm 62, but his skates fit me perfectly and are just great - he had a great day with his dad's skates on, and his dad's hockey stick marked Mac..
So g'nite Mac, g'nite all.
Not knowing too much of Bowie's music, but hearing his words made me think of Mac and how he never complained of loneliness. In work he had his office, his music to listen to, he was one of the first to have a radio in his office. Yet he hardly ever discussed his work. After work he played hockey on a team- ran kid hockey teams. When he retired he could be considered a true loner. He could stay in his office with so many choices of how to spend his time, that is, on the computer working out his investments, doing crossword puzzles up the zing zang, reading poetry and Irish history, working on his family research, working on accumulating great restaurant reviews, he had tons of files on everything from good wines to old pictures of Railway stations that he loved.. Not to mention checking out my stuff,the environmental committee, my Teaching material, Literacy Council, Church in International Affairs, and running our own household affairs...he never seemed to need anyone.
I on the other hand always needed people, I could be alone for whole days, but that would be an exception. Of course, the main person I needed was him and he was always there for me..being happy to be the one important person in my life, and loving to be the person who ran my life.
My stories were his stories, just as the problems and fun with our kids were shared in depth so were the stories of the kids in my class, or my friends and the people I met. Sometimes he would tell my stories as if they were his. Kathy a friend recently said, how fun it was to hear us tell stories, and how I'd say wait a minute Mac, that's my story.
Now I see how much he did for me, as I look at my bank statements and think hmmm now where did I spend that money, hmm which phone service do I have, oh yeah I am with videotron for what, oh yes, t.v., what phone service. Videotron had to tell me, I changed it over to Videotron so they could do everything, but Mac had all this at his fingertips, I went along blithely in a beautiful trance, no wonder I would say, I certainly hope I go first..well that didn't work out.
Today I so wished I could tell him about poor Alice downstairs sitting in her wheelchair hair cut short now, lying there with her huge tummy covered with a lap blanket and shocking the bejesus out of me when I saw her purple and black eye. What the devil hit you I said. Turns out the preposees were giving her a bath and the kind of phone shower thingee hit her in the eyes..Wow, poor Alice, she grabbed my hand and put it on her heart, saying well where were you when I needed you. Well yeah, where was I, did that ever make me think.
Decided then to check out Lina as well, there she was in her semi blindness, sitting in her chair listening to her tape and knitting, but so happy to tell me her latest story. That story kind of made me sad but laugh so much, she had just had her toenails cut, not here I won't say where or who..but the woman who was cutting her toenails all of a sudden, jumped up and ran to the sink washing her face..At first Lina thought she was throwing up, as the woman was pushing her face under the tap, and kind of going ahh; BUT,this is what happened apparently when she clipped Alice's toenail, the little piece of nail jumped up and went straight in her eye..yikes. Then the woman was so rattled she cut a bit of Lina's little toe, (hate to say it but I laughed out loud) now Lina has to have her toe washed and dressed with meds every second day..
Poor Lina (age 91) laughed and said I'm o.k. as I drink a little water from my special cup which comes from the Czech Republic. Intrigued with the cup I took it and there it was with a kind of tea -spout that one sips from; it has a handle like a regular cup, not knowing that it was still filled with water I turned it over to see if it showed Czech republic on the bottom, and spilled it all over myself and the floor. Well the two of us howled with laughter, after using up much of her paper towels, I cleaned the floor, my bag, myself, and took off for my own apartment, wishing I could tell all this to my sweet Mac..so I'm telling it all to my blog.
We are Mac's eternity, so I'm thinking of how he would have laughed too and commiserated with Alice, and Lina. Alice said to me I wish you would buy a pendant put his ashes right in and hang it around your neck, she said I would pet the pendant.(not going to happen.)
Les (our son) is his eternity as well, as he emailed me a picture of Mac's hockey stick and skates, telling me how much fun he had using them today, and saying I don't think I could be on a team now that I'm 62, but his skates fit me perfectly and are just great - he had a great day with his dad's skates on, and his dad's hockey stick marked Mac..
So g'nite Mac, g'nite all.
Wednesday 13 January 2016
Wednesday, January 13, 2016 When we were WE..
This is the poem I wrote some time in 2011..obviously I was having a kind of sad day ...I put it in my blog in 2012 here it is 2016...He is no longer here, it is his Birthday today
Today, January 13...he would have been 86 years old..so when Mac died he was a good age..well past the 3 score and 10 a kind measurement of a good age.
This poem written when I was trying to understand the ins and outs or the on's and off's of Alzheimer's Disease, illustrates how I felt..I kind of wish I could go through this day again, because then I would be with him, but that would be a rather selfish wish. So I read the poem and think
Happy Birthday Mac, we were WE, right to the end.
MEMORY LOSS
He is there inside
I hear his voice
It is his mouth
These are his words
It is his body
But is he there
He knows I’m me
And I know it IS he
We laugh, we sing, but
It is not really WE.
I am there inside
He hears my voice
It is my mouth
These are my words
It is my body
And I am there
But does he know it’s me
We cuddle we love
But we’re not really WE
it was his mouth it was my mouth,
it was his body it was my body
We laughed, we cuddled, we sang, we loved
When he was he and I was me.
And WE were WE
This is the last paragraph of that day.....
"Don't be too sad when you read this as I am up and down and that was a down day...we are we but we are WE in a new kind of life. Today was a good day, we babysat..our love, Finley. "
Now I only have the memories and of course I look back with rose colored glasses, in fact today I was at the Eye Specialist, and I'm actually typing this with blurred eyes.one because of the freezing drops in them, and the other because of tears...but good tears, happy tears because he no longer hss to figure out who is who..
Now my memories go back to the days when he and I celebrated his birthdays in so many fun ways...with the family, or just the two of us, with the grandchildren, always sharing his special cake - his fave was Boston Cream Pie, really a layer cake with custard in the middle and chocolate on top...
We would also go out to various activities that happened at the time of his birthday..here is an excerpt from my journal of 1993 - at that time I was working and Mac would have been
"bought a card for Mac, normally we don't buy each other a card, just gifts..but couldn't resist, the picture on it is perfect trilliums..he loves them..and he loved the card.didn't like the waitresses singing Happy Birthday at Il Vicino, but he put up with it...actually smiled, ha.Right now it's blowing snowing and freezing, I'm in a nice warm bed with a nice warm husband, whoopee"
Well that was 1993, he was 63, we had many many birthdays like that..so I'm not a basket case today, maybe because a good friend of the family died last week, he was only 50 years old..so I'm grateful for the lovely life we had together hmmm I do have teary eyes so...g'nite.
Today, January 13...he would have been 86 years old..so when Mac died he was a good age..well past the 3 score and 10 a kind measurement of a good age.
This poem written when I was trying to understand the ins and outs or the on's and off's of Alzheimer's Disease, illustrates how I felt..I kind of wish I could go through this day again, because then I would be with him, but that would be a rather selfish wish. So I read the poem and think
Happy Birthday Mac, we were WE, right to the end.
MEMORY LOSS
He is there inside
I hear his voice
It is his mouth
These are his words
It is his body
But is he there
He knows I’m me
And I know it IS he
We laugh, we sing, but
It is not really WE.
I am there inside
He hears my voice
It is my mouth
These are my words
It is my body
And I am there
But does he know it’s me
We cuddle we love
But we’re not really WE
it was his mouth it was my mouth,
it was his body it was my body
We laughed, we cuddled, we sang, we loved
When he was he and I was me.
And WE were WE
This is the last paragraph of that day.....
"Don't be too sad when you read this as I am up and down and that was a down day...we are we but we are WE in a new kind of life. Today was a good day, we babysat..our love, Finley. "
Now I only have the memories and of course I look back with rose colored glasses, in fact today I was at the Eye Specialist, and I'm actually typing this with blurred eyes.one because of the freezing drops in them, and the other because of tears...but good tears, happy tears because he no longer hss to figure out who is who..
Now my memories go back to the days when he and I celebrated his birthdays in so many fun ways...with the family, or just the two of us, with the grandchildren, always sharing his special cake - his fave was Boston Cream Pie, really a layer cake with custard in the middle and chocolate on top...
We would also go out to various activities that happened at the time of his birthday..here is an excerpt from my journal of 1993 - at that time I was working and Mac would have been
"bought a card for Mac, normally we don't buy each other a card, just gifts..but couldn't resist, the picture on it is perfect trilliums..he loves them..and he loved the card.didn't like the waitresses singing Happy Birthday at Il Vicino, but he put up with it...actually smiled, ha.Right now it's blowing snowing and freezing, I'm in a nice warm bed with a nice warm husband, whoopee"
Well that was 1993, he was 63, we had many many birthdays like that..so I'm not a basket case today, maybe because a good friend of the family died last week, he was only 50 years old..so I'm grateful for the lovely life we had together hmmm I do have teary eyes so...g'nite.
Saturday 9 January 2016
January 9, 2016 Saturday...poem given to me...
Spent the last four days in Ottawa with friends..one of them, Phyllis, gave me this poem, since it's just on a piece of paper I want to keep it I'll share it here and have it for future reference...
"If you should go before me dear, walk slowly
down the ways of death, well worn and wide
For I would want to overtake you quickly,
and walk the journey's ending by your side
I would be so forlorn not to descry you
down some shining highroad when I came
Walk slowly, dear, and often look behind you
and pause to hear if someone calls your name." (Adelaide Love)
On the train going to Ottawa, the book I read was "The Revised Fundamentals of Caregiving " A novel by Jonathan Evison..the paragraph I was going to underline in the book, and didn't..he repeats at the end ..it's worth reading and thinking about:-
"Listen to me: everything you think you know, every relationship you've ever taken for granted, every plan or possibility you've ever hatched, every conceit or endeavor you've ever concocted, can be stripped from you in an instant. Sooner or later, it will happen. So prepare yourself. Be ready not to be ready. Be ready to be brought to your knees and beaten to dust. Because no stable foundation, no act of will, no force of cautious habit will save you from this fact: nothing is indestructible"
How one tries to think, well this would never happen to me I will or am prepared for every contingency, but life will really get in the way for sure. Maybe, if one lives in a bubble, does not have a loved one, and loved ones, if one hardly cares about their work, their hobby, their way of life, then perhaps destruction is expected and one is already in the dust...with an attitude of who cares. BUT, caring is the key, and when one cares for whatever, then one has to be ready to be beaten down, but remember one can rise again and again, till the end..and maybe the end will be what you will want.
When I think of the friends who have risen from a kind of dust, i.e. Parkinsons Disease, ALS, Alzheimer's (our own latest shock and pain) paralysis, cancer etc etc...not to mention heartbreak, break ups and death of loved ones and close friends, children, precious pets. Children born into homes of abuse, poverty or both, those born or living in war torn countries, concentration camps, or refugee camps, those that have struggled and overcome, they may never be the same, and they may and probably will die sooner than later..therefore being grateful for every moment of peace love and of overcoming whatever beats one down, is a victory and a time of reward, and though it doesn't last, one should hold on to it while they can.
This book obviously has had an effect on me..and was sad, but I did laugh and enjoy, so recommend it - and thanks Maureen for giving it to me for Christmas. g'nite.
"If you should go before me dear, walk slowly
down the ways of death, well worn and wide
For I would want to overtake you quickly,
and walk the journey's ending by your side
I would be so forlorn not to descry you
down some shining highroad when I came
Walk slowly, dear, and often look behind you
and pause to hear if someone calls your name." (Adelaide Love)
On the train going to Ottawa, the book I read was "The Revised Fundamentals of Caregiving " A novel by Jonathan Evison..the paragraph I was going to underline in the book, and didn't..he repeats at the end ..it's worth reading and thinking about:-
"Listen to me: everything you think you know, every relationship you've ever taken for granted, every plan or possibility you've ever hatched, every conceit or endeavor you've ever concocted, can be stripped from you in an instant. Sooner or later, it will happen. So prepare yourself. Be ready not to be ready. Be ready to be brought to your knees and beaten to dust. Because no stable foundation, no act of will, no force of cautious habit will save you from this fact: nothing is indestructible"
How one tries to think, well this would never happen to me I will or am prepared for every contingency, but life will really get in the way for sure. Maybe, if one lives in a bubble, does not have a loved one, and loved ones, if one hardly cares about their work, their hobby, their way of life, then perhaps destruction is expected and one is already in the dust...with an attitude of who cares. BUT, caring is the key, and when one cares for whatever, then one has to be ready to be beaten down, but remember one can rise again and again, till the end..and maybe the end will be what you will want.
When I think of the friends who have risen from a kind of dust, i.e. Parkinsons Disease, ALS, Alzheimer's (our own latest shock and pain) paralysis, cancer etc etc...not to mention heartbreak, break ups and death of loved ones and close friends, children, precious pets. Children born into homes of abuse, poverty or both, those born or living in war torn countries, concentration camps, or refugee camps, those that have struggled and overcome, they may never be the same, and they may and probably will die sooner than later..therefore being grateful for every moment of peace love and of overcoming whatever beats one down, is a victory and a time of reward, and though it doesn't last, one should hold on to it while they can.
This book obviously has had an effect on me..and was sad, but I did laugh and enjoy, so recommend it - and thanks Maureen for giving it to me for Christmas. g'nite.
Monday 4 January 2016
Monday, January 4, 2015... Hey that went too fast.....
That's what Mac said when we were on our way to spend our honeymoon in Miami - there we were on the train, and I said "well good that's all over", thinking about all the ups and downs of getting married, getting the dress made (my good friend's mom made it)..making the lists of the guests, worry, worry, having a sty in my left eye sleeping all night with a tea bag on it..and finally the ceremony at the Church, the reception at the Ritz, and now we were on our way...just the two of us. Mac answered saying "hey it went too fast..I wanted to hang on to every moment, remember it, savor it"..and that's how he was.
Our babies, how we loved them, and how he said, when they were growing up and reached adulthood, "hey that went too fast"...I was thinking he also said that about our grandkids, and how I wish he could have heard, Finley, our great granddaughter age 3 and a bit, say when we were in the car, " granjan, we just passed Costco..when I was a little kid I used to call it Cawco", well how he would have loved that one..
.Nostalgia time I guess it is for sure, as each Christmas we have our traditions...today I collected all the decorations, the little tree, the special candles, and put them all down in the basement, it took all of twenty-five minutes...When I think of how long it took in our house in the past, how I would find pine needles in cracks and crevices in June, well I guess one could say it's an improvement. But now I find the little thoughts of our children growing it's like seeing and hearing the things they said in my head ,and seeing the fun we had in the cracks and crevices of my mind's eye. I wonder if I can put a song I heard on radio...get it on youtube then put it in my blog... -think I'll try:- well didn't work, it's called
You've got to hold on - it goes so fast, those baby days they don't last.
They sure don't, but we have had them, so must appreciate and move on...I will put more of Macs memories from way back, as Les found some letters to me from Mac, so if I can take some words from them - without becoming a bit of a basket case - I'll do that.
In the meantime, listening to jazz tonight, Jeff Healey's "I'd do anything for You" and Chopin's piano sonata this morning , both are among Mac's favourites...so with that playing in my mind....I'll say g'nite.
Our babies, how we loved them, and how he said, when they were growing up and reached adulthood, "hey that went too fast"...I was thinking he also said that about our grandkids, and how I wish he could have heard, Finley, our great granddaughter age 3 and a bit, say when we were in the car, " granjan, we just passed Costco..when I was a little kid I used to call it Cawco", well how he would have loved that one..
.Nostalgia time I guess it is for sure, as each Christmas we have our traditions...today I collected all the decorations, the little tree, the special candles, and put them all down in the basement, it took all of twenty-five minutes...When I think of how long it took in our house in the past, how I would find pine needles in cracks and crevices in June, well I guess one could say it's an improvement. But now I find the little thoughts of our children growing it's like seeing and hearing the things they said in my head ,and seeing the fun we had in the cracks and crevices of my mind's eye. I wonder if I can put a song I heard on radio...get it on youtube then put it in my blog... -think I'll try:- well didn't work, it's called
You've got to hold on - it goes so fast, those baby days they don't last.
They sure don't, but we have had them, so must appreciate and move on...I will put more of Macs memories from way back, as Les found some letters to me from Mac, so if I can take some words from them - without becoming a bit of a basket case - I'll do that.
In the meantime, listening to jazz tonight, Jeff Healey's "I'd do anything for You" and Chopin's piano sonata this morning , both are among Mac's favourites...so with that playing in my mind....I'll say g'nite.
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