Life is precious and so we, or I should say I am still enjoying my life, although it's with so many tears, and at times I say to myself o.k. that's enough, move on. Yesterday we celebrated my birthday ahead of time, in a big family it's so hard to get everyone in one place at one time, so this is how we manage it...the day everyone can be there, that's it..Birthday time.. It was supposed to be up north, but the weather was not cooperating, but Gaye was and so Gaye extended the invitation to the family and there we all were.
I noticed Mac's ashes in a lovely ceramic brown box, still resting on her fireplace mantle where we had put it after the "celebration of his life", a kind of nicer way of saying "his funeral" - in any case somehow I felt I wanted those ashes with me. We are going to have a special day where we will bury them, another time when the whole family will be at the lake..he want's to be buried up north near our cottages..(I want to be in the lake), my friend 95 year old Alice says, some have to be with you in the lake, and some with him on the shore...o.k. I always say..anyway they are now resting on a little table right here in my apartment.
I have been looking at them and thinking about Alice's comments and thinking too just how many places I would like to put his ashes.. Places where we've had so much fun. Mount Royal, Chateauguay walking path, Lake St. Louis, Pine Beach, the list is endless...so tonight when I was downstairs getting the mail a funny or I should say peculiar story came to me by way of my friend Letty
Letty is the 90 year old who was the first woman priest of the Anglican Church in Canada. I'm happy to say she is back after her terrible fall almost three months ago. Her husband Cliff who I have been visiting on the second floor, while she was in hospital, but recently he also fell and broke his hip.But, NOW, both of them are back here and there was Letty downstairs with her walker looking her beautiful perky self, she had just come from visiting her husband on the 2nd floor, planning to return to her apartment...when she spotted me, getting my mail. So there we were sitting in the lobby enjoying our little get together, when she told me this story.
Apparently she and Cliff a few years back were enjoying a holiday in Cuba. on a particular day she was in the ocean and noticed a woman with a snorkel diving and staying down for quite long periods of time, which was making Letty nervous for her. So Letty decided to keep an eye on the woman, and was happy to see her getting out of the water. Then the woman sat down on her lounge chair gazing out at the ocean, tears rolling down her face, and as she sat Letty noticed she had a vial in her hand..Letty thought, well what have we here, is she contemplating suicide...So Letty walked over to the woman and said, can I be of help to you.
The woman looked up to Letty and said in French, I'm from Trois Rivieres and I've just put my husband's ashes in the ocean where he wanted to have his ashes, here in Cuba where we've enjoyed so many wonderful holidays. Letty said, well I'm an Anglican Priest..(then realizing how strange that must have sounded, standing there, soaken wet, stringy hair, looking less like a priest,than an old lady but she persisted. Then she thought the woman being French maybe didn't even realize that there were women priests but she said, I would like to say a prayer for your husband. The woman
replied - well thank you..and you speak French so well.
Then the two of them went to the ocean, stood in the waves and Letty said the special prayer in French, while both of them held hands with their heads bowed. What a beautiful story, the woman knew that God was there for her. Letty said, this was one of her moments when she knew her calling was so right.
Well needless to say, I was really moved, and still so happy to know that both she and Cliff (ages 90 and 93) had almost recovered from their terrible falls..and said now Letty you must get to bed, it's now nine o'clock. So I walked with her to make sure she was not too tired to the elevators on her side of the building.
- This is only her second day using a walker, when, we heard a funny noise coming from one of the elevators she was going to go up on. Would you believe a man was stuck on the elevator...I have claustrophobia, so I had a minor fit. Letty was getting on the elevator. she didn't hear the noise,coming from the other elevator, I quickly said, Letty get off come here, someone is stuck in the other elevator. Well she moved pretty quickly with her walker, saying I will not go on the elevator alone. I said, look you will not get on at all, until we see that the elevators are fixed and even then someone will go up with you...( to myself saying, it won't be me)
So there we were, we waited with some others who had come in who were ready to go to their apartments. Finally the elevators were fixed and I, breathing a sigh of relief watched as Letty and four others with a person from the staff went up to her fourth floor.
Then I went over to my side of the building, where I had to take the elevator by Myself...holding my breath and praying I got to the sixth floor, and thankful that I'm here to look at Mac's ceramic box holding his Ashes - on the box it says
Gordon Robert McConnell January 30, 1930 - March 10, 2015
Those most precious ashes - I'll say goodnight to them and think about just where we will be burying them...hmm we had a great time in Cuba too. g'nite.
Monday 29 June 2015
Wednesday 24 June 2015
Wednesday, June 24, 2014 .... Bonne Jean Baptiste ......
Well I don't know what happened I was typing along merrily, telling my story from the lake, saying the answer to the Lady of the Lake, is NO, first I need my privacy, and secondly, the family all agree that it was not a practical and helpful idea...for myself or for her..so I let the landlady know and assume she will let Sonia, the Lady of the lake, know I will NOT share her apartment. Also, decided not to move there anyway...so that's that. when guess what it all slipped away..and my page went blank, hey what did I do??? Anyway...
I went on to say, how I spent a good part of the day celebrating a mutual birthday with two friends at the Ritz,, and then from the sublime to the ridiculous .met a man at the lake...who was absolutely sane to himself and quite he thought SO RIGHT, and I was absolutely completely f*****d up.
He was telling me all about the fact that these are the Armageddon times and Satin was in charge...all this after asking me if I knew of any apartments for let...well while we were discussing apartments in Lachine it started to rain, we were at 45th so that is where EATLIE a fave restaurant of ours (Mac's and mine) is..so I ran for cover in there and he followed me.
The rain was pelting down by this time and so I bought a tea he a coffee, and that's when he proceeded to tell me a few more amazing tales of how Carl Marx was right that the majority of people were being used etc etc. and that Chernobyl was a sign, showed me an article about this from the NYTimes...and I very politely read it and said, hmmm interesting.
From there he said that the millions of Jews in the Holocaust was a Jewish Conspiracy and that since they killed Jesus, they didn't want to have another messiah...and that Yaweh, knew this, I said, you mean Jehovah, he said don't say that its Yaweh, o.k. fine ..Yawheh..
The rain had stopped the sun came out and I happily noted this- saying I think you said you were going on to Millenium park, well I'm going home..he asked me to come with him and I said hey no must get going home.
He said do you realize you are really F++++d up and should really listen to me...I said o.k. try listening to me for a change...If I went to your place of worship and I said a few things that some of your group didn't like, and some did, and the ones that didn't like me killed me, and the others followed my teachngs, would that make you all a different religion. I said...in other words, Jesus was a Jew, some of the Jewish people did follow him, others didn't and had him killed..but Jesus was a rabbi he was Jewish and the people that believed him were ALL Jews, get it!!! He turned to me and said, They will all perish...and I will be Souche Quebecois and I will be the ONE...Well o.k. I said, bye now...
For the record that means he is a true born in Quebec, Quebecois.. - well so am I.....
So as you can see fun and games at the lake continue and right now I can hear the band, and see the fantastic Fireworks right from my window......so Bonne Jean Baptiste...and praise the Lord...ha.
I went on to say, how I spent a good part of the day celebrating a mutual birthday with two friends at the Ritz,, and then from the sublime to the ridiculous .met a man at the lake...who was absolutely sane to himself and quite he thought SO RIGHT, and I was absolutely completely f*****d up.
He was telling me all about the fact that these are the Armageddon times and Satin was in charge...all this after asking me if I knew of any apartments for let...well while we were discussing apartments in Lachine it started to rain, we were at 45th so that is where EATLIE a fave restaurant of ours (Mac's and mine) is..so I ran for cover in there and he followed me.
The rain was pelting down by this time and so I bought a tea he a coffee, and that's when he proceeded to tell me a few more amazing tales of how Carl Marx was right that the majority of people were being used etc etc. and that Chernobyl was a sign, showed me an article about this from the NYTimes...and I very politely read it and said, hmmm interesting.
From there he said that the millions of Jews in the Holocaust was a Jewish Conspiracy and that since they killed Jesus, they didn't want to have another messiah...and that Yaweh, knew this, I said, you mean Jehovah, he said don't say that its Yaweh, o.k. fine ..Yawheh..
The rain had stopped the sun came out and I happily noted this- saying I think you said you were going on to Millenium park, well I'm going home..he asked me to come with him and I said hey no must get going home.
He said do you realize you are really F++++d up and should really listen to me...I said o.k. try listening to me for a change...If I went to your place of worship and I said a few things that some of your group didn't like, and some did, and the ones that didn't like me killed me, and the others followed my teachngs, would that make you all a different religion. I said...in other words, Jesus was a Jew, some of the Jewish people did follow him, others didn't and had him killed..but Jesus was a rabbi he was Jewish and the people that believed him were ALL Jews, get it!!! He turned to me and said, They will all perish...and I will be Souche Quebecois and I will be the ONE...Well o.k. I said, bye now...
For the record that means he is a true born in Quebec, Quebecois.. - well so am I.....
So as you can see fun and games at the lake continue and right now I can hear the band, and see the fantastic Fireworks right from my window......so Bonne Jean Baptiste...and praise the Lord...ha.
Saturday 20 June 2015
Saturday, June 20,2015 The Lady of the Lake, continued...
The continuing story of The Lady of the Lake...
The last words I wrote about the lady of the lake, were - When riding home on the bus, I think I saw her wheeling along the road in the pouring rain, I thought of her struggle in the rain, and her real struggle in life. Remember she had told me that she tried to commit suicide five times, So I ended my little tale with, I praythat she would have help, and all would go well for her.
So imagine my surprise when last Sunday after being in the country for the weekend, my daughter and I dropped into a pharmacy to pick up my prescription and , wow there she was wheeling up and down the aisle picking out things she needed. I quickly nudged Gaye, saying there is the lady of the lake. She immediately knew what I meant when she saw the wheelchair.
As we were leaving I said hi, briefly, not being sure if she remembered me, she did, saying, oh hello, you are the lady I met at the lake. So we exchanged some bland remarks like, how are you, and Gaye and I continued on our way.
My friend later when I told her I met the woman again, said, hmmm I'm thinking she could use a friend like you. Well, I replied, no thanks, I'm up to my ears with friends who need help, She has her friends, as she told me, plus she has a psych, that's enough.
O.K. back up a few days to last Thursday, when I was walking along my favourite little quiet block - just before the lake, I noticed an apartment for let. I've been mulling the idea of moving to a place where I could be autonomous in my own little apartment, possibly with a back patio and little lawn. I even checked out a condo, that was for rent a few weeks ago, but the man wanted to rent it with all the furniture, and only until he could sell. That for sure was not in the cards - so until I saw this small apartment building near the lake, I had forgotten the whole idea. So I took the phone number and later called. I made a tentative appointment to see it the next day..but since it was pouring rain, cancelled it.
Today, on the way to the Teapot (over 50 club) which is near the lake, I passed the apartment. Since I had some time I decided to ring the doorbell..The woman who was renting was on the first floor, she remembered my call, and said come in you can look at the place now. So as we walked up the stairs to the second floor, I noticed how clean it was and really quite nice inside - very bright. Although the stairs could pose a problem as I am not getting younger, but put that thought aside for the moment.
The landlady, knocked on the door, saying it's me, Sonia. The door opened, and you guessed it.. There she was, the Lady of the Lake. Apparently she has to move, she finds the rent too high. It is a five and a half room apartment very nice - clean apartment, spacious rooms, up to date kitchen, lovely big balcony or terrace in the back, not a great view, - but only a two minute walk from the lake...hmmm.
Then came the kicker, Sonia - now so happy to see me again, introduced me to her landlady, calling ME, her lady of the lake...and another little surprise. She has the cutest little bunny Rabbit called Puff, adorable, small, beige, with little floppy ears that rest back on his head. I just loved him.
To top it off, Sonia said, would you consider sharing the rent with me...there is so much space here, it's a beautiful apartment, and I really hate to leave. I took her phone number and said I'd get back to her....of course I also took the landlady's name, Luba, and her phone number. Remember my last words were, "I hope and pray somebody, somewhere is helping her" - is that supposed to be me?
Now what do I do?....to be continued....g'nite.
The last words I wrote about the lady of the lake, were - When riding home on the bus, I think I saw her wheeling along the road in the pouring rain, I thought of her struggle in the rain, and her real struggle in life. Remember she had told me that she tried to commit suicide five times, So I ended my little tale with, I praythat she would have help, and all would go well for her.
So imagine my surprise when last Sunday after being in the country for the weekend, my daughter and I dropped into a pharmacy to pick up my prescription and , wow there she was wheeling up and down the aisle picking out things she needed. I quickly nudged Gaye, saying there is the lady of the lake. She immediately knew what I meant when she saw the wheelchair.
As we were leaving I said hi, briefly, not being sure if she remembered me, she did, saying, oh hello, you are the lady I met at the lake. So we exchanged some bland remarks like, how are you, and Gaye and I continued on our way.
My friend later when I told her I met the woman again, said, hmmm I'm thinking she could use a friend like you. Well, I replied, no thanks, I'm up to my ears with friends who need help, She has her friends, as she told me, plus she has a psych, that's enough.
O.K. back up a few days to last Thursday, when I was walking along my favourite little quiet block - just before the lake, I noticed an apartment for let. I've been mulling the idea of moving to a place where I could be autonomous in my own little apartment, possibly with a back patio and little lawn. I even checked out a condo, that was for rent a few weeks ago, but the man wanted to rent it with all the furniture, and only until he could sell. That for sure was not in the cards - so until I saw this small apartment building near the lake, I had forgotten the whole idea. So I took the phone number and later called. I made a tentative appointment to see it the next day..but since it was pouring rain, cancelled it.
Today, on the way to the Teapot (over 50 club) which is near the lake, I passed the apartment. Since I had some time I decided to ring the doorbell..The woman who was renting was on the first floor, she remembered my call, and said come in you can look at the place now. So as we walked up the stairs to the second floor, I noticed how clean it was and really quite nice inside - very bright. Although the stairs could pose a problem as I am not getting younger, but put that thought aside for the moment.
The landlady, knocked on the door, saying it's me, Sonia. The door opened, and you guessed it.. There she was, the Lady of the Lake. Apparently she has to move, she finds the rent too high. It is a five and a half room apartment very nice - clean apartment, spacious rooms, up to date kitchen, lovely big balcony or terrace in the back, not a great view, - but only a two minute walk from the lake...hmmm.
Then came the kicker, Sonia - now so happy to see me again, introduced me to her landlady, calling ME, her lady of the lake...and another little surprise. She has the cutest little bunny Rabbit called Puff, adorable, small, beige, with little floppy ears that rest back on his head. I just loved him.
To top it off, Sonia said, would you consider sharing the rent with me...there is so much space here, it's a beautiful apartment, and I really hate to leave. I took her phone number and said I'd get back to her....of course I also took the landlady's name, Luba, and her phone number. Remember my last words were, "I hope and pray somebody, somewhere is helping her" - is that supposed to be me?
Now what do I do?....to be continued....g'nite.
Tuesday 16 June 2015
Wednesday, June 16, 2015...Adjusting to being alone....
It's not easy, I know I'm not the only one in the world who has gone through this kind of alone but not really lonely. I guess it's because I have so many terrific memories that I really want to be alone with them, and yet I don't want to cry all the time...and that's what those memories do to me.
Tonight I decided o.k. that's it. Time to sit in the back garden on the swing type garden sofa by myself, time to sit in the rocking chair in the rec room, look out the window - beside the other empty rocking chair. Read my book, check out the Ontario squirrel - yes he is still there the black squirrel - Quebec squirrels are grey, are there birds in the bird house, didn't see any...check out the girl running around the park, decide to ride the exercycle.I did that so often, saying o.k. Mac say goodbye I'm off along the bike path, ha..anyway,she inspired me..and I did...and so it goes. I'm trying to adjust, I'm not really there yet..as I see Mac everywhere I go..
Some people say, one should move to a new place, a new area and see new scenes, well for me there are not any new places..all the places that interest me, were of interest to him. Though I go to the museum - as I did today, we used to go there often, though I've been to a couple of movies, I still see him beside me...I go to see friends he had the same friends, I have gone on trips and will go on some more, but I know he will be there...and so on and so on...so I'm saying I will quietly say, hello Mac.
I'm still making cookies only now they last longer, but they are still low-sugar, he didn't like too much sugar, but now less oatmeal in them, I was never that keen on loads of oatmeal..hey that's a start - doing something for just me. I'm sleeping on two sides of the bed, taking turns each week a different side, learned that from my grandson, Olivier, that's what he does, how logical...I can do it..that is lie on Mac's side, I now sit in his chair, the cat looks askance, but hey it's my chair now too.
I'm also responsible for making sure everything is addressed to me and I've changed my address labels, it just says my name..that took getting used to - but it's important it says - I am responsible and I am.
Now I'm going to make these last few years, or try to make the last few years - days - hours - whatever...a time to do the things we've done together a time NOW to keep doing them alone, and adjust..but I can't ever change the place in my heart...that will never be adjusted, as that's the most important part that will stay the same.
HE IS THERE, NO ADJUSTMENT NECESSARY. g'nite
Tonight I decided o.k. that's it. Time to sit in the back garden on the swing type garden sofa by myself, time to sit in the rocking chair in the rec room, look out the window - beside the other empty rocking chair. Read my book, check out the Ontario squirrel - yes he is still there the black squirrel - Quebec squirrels are grey, are there birds in the bird house, didn't see any...check out the girl running around the park, decide to ride the exercycle.I did that so often, saying o.k. Mac say goodbye I'm off along the bike path, ha..anyway,she inspired me..and I did...and so it goes. I'm trying to adjust, I'm not really there yet..as I see Mac everywhere I go..
Some people say, one should move to a new place, a new area and see new scenes, well for me there are not any new places..all the places that interest me, were of interest to him. Though I go to the museum - as I did today, we used to go there often, though I've been to a couple of movies, I still see him beside me...I go to see friends he had the same friends, I have gone on trips and will go on some more, but I know he will be there...and so on and so on...so I'm saying I will quietly say, hello Mac.
I'm still making cookies only now they last longer, but they are still low-sugar, he didn't like too much sugar, but now less oatmeal in them, I was never that keen on loads of oatmeal..hey that's a start - doing something for just me. I'm sleeping on two sides of the bed, taking turns each week a different side, learned that from my grandson, Olivier, that's what he does, how logical...I can do it..that is lie on Mac's side, I now sit in his chair, the cat looks askance, but hey it's my chair now too.
I'm also responsible for making sure everything is addressed to me and I've changed my address labels, it just says my name..that took getting used to - but it's important it says - I am responsible and I am.
Now I'm going to make these last few years, or try to make the last few years - days - hours - whatever...a time to do the things we've done together a time NOW to keep doing them alone, and adjust..but I can't ever change the place in my heart...that will never be adjusted, as that's the most important part that will stay the same.
HE IS THERE, NO ADJUSTMENT NECESSARY. g'nite
Friday 12 June 2015
Saturday, June 13, 2015..The Lady of the Lake, not the poem,
but the Story.....
This one is from my many walks along the lake path here in Lachine. It was one of the really warm days this June, the sun shining so bright that it brought out all the sparkles on the waves - so much so, one could hardly look without dark sun glasses. I had, by now, managed to sit in one of our favourite benches which is about 20 feet from the water. It had taken me about three months to be able to sit at that bench without weeping as it was the one Mac and I used the most in out days of walking the lake.
Not too far - about 10 feet from the side of the bench towards the water a woman was sunning herself, lying there in a two piece bathing suit, on a kind of quilt. I started to take my book out of my bag, she looked at me, as I started to read, and said, do you have sun screen lotion? No, I don't - she said, well look at my ankles, I had long pants on yesterday and look at my feet. I looked, and noticed that the sun had made what looked like deep pink socks on her feet..wow I said, you've got quite a burn.. She said yes so I'm covered well today with sunscreen, so you better think about it. I replied , yes I can see that, but my feet seem to have a bit of a tan already. I think I'll be o.k. I had on long pants and sandals, and a striped t. shirt.
Looking closer at this lady, I noticed how really pale she was, she had short curly blonde hair and a good figure, and as she turned to face me on her quilt she smiled and was really quite pretty. She said how great it was anyway to have the sun after such a hard winter. I agreed, and then noticed, hey she has a wheelchair, how did she manage to get on the grass there by the lake. I said, did you wheel yourself here? She answered she had, that her wheel chair was small and light.
I kind of looked at her legs , and she said, I have a steel rod in my legs at the ankles. Oh, that must have been quite a break, she said, oh well, it's really not my legs that are the problem it's my back, I broke my back in two places and have a problem spine; at that I kind of winced, then she added, I tried to commit suicide. Oh boy .then, I felt kind of sick, I thought this is a really sad case. I said, gee that is awful, I hope you are on good meds for whatever, and that you have a psychiatrist. Oh yes, I'm careful to take my pills every day, see my psych twice a month.
I said, do you have family. Well I have a son 23, he's married and doesn't talk to me now, and a daughter 17. I said, She must feel bad about all this - Yes, she answered, but we get along o.k. I'm divorced now - and that's the reason I did that, my husband was terrible, and she added - he tried and she put her hands around her neck in a choking fashion. Gee, I said I hope he sees a psych. She said, well we talk now, and he does see a psychiatrist and is also on pills.
Feeling even sicker, I was kind of wanting to leave yet didn't want to rush away, so I said, I hope you have some good friends. She said, I have three good friends, I live right near here, and they live near me. That's good, and as I got up to leave she said, yes I really need them, as I tried to suicide five times.
My mind took that in as I weakly said "Well, that's so sad, I'll perhaps see you on my way back, I usually walk along further, I'm glad you are getting help now, do keep taking your meds ...oh yes she replied, and so we said our goodbyes...
Somewhere in the conversation she told me she was forty-seven. How could anyone so lovely and young do that, be so so depressed and miserable. I told this story to a friend who said, well she was asking for help. Well hello, for sure she needs help... I need help to take it all in. It was and is mind boggling.
The only good thing is she is getting some help - obviously, but to tell her story, to a complete stranger, in a calm and pleasant voice, well, somehow that is calling for help as well.
I have walked the lake a few times since then, have not seen her although I think I saw her wheeling herself along the road, one day, when I was on a bus coming home, it was pouring rain - this left me disconcerted, and feeling so sad for her, I can't seem to get the image out of my mind, of her struggle in the rain, in fact her struggle period.
I hope and pray, someone, somewhere is helping her. G'night.
This one is from my many walks along the lake path here in Lachine. It was one of the really warm days this June, the sun shining so bright that it brought out all the sparkles on the waves - so much so, one could hardly look without dark sun glasses. I had, by now, managed to sit in one of our favourite benches which is about 20 feet from the water. It had taken me about three months to be able to sit at that bench without weeping as it was the one Mac and I used the most in out days of walking the lake.
Not too far - about 10 feet from the side of the bench towards the water a woman was sunning herself, lying there in a two piece bathing suit, on a kind of quilt. I started to take my book out of my bag, she looked at me, as I started to read, and said, do you have sun screen lotion? No, I don't - she said, well look at my ankles, I had long pants on yesterday and look at my feet. I looked, and noticed that the sun had made what looked like deep pink socks on her feet..wow I said, you've got quite a burn.. She said yes so I'm covered well today with sunscreen, so you better think about it. I replied , yes I can see that, but my feet seem to have a bit of a tan already. I think I'll be o.k. I had on long pants and sandals, and a striped t. shirt.
Looking closer at this lady, I noticed how really pale she was, she had short curly blonde hair and a good figure, and as she turned to face me on her quilt she smiled and was really quite pretty. She said how great it was anyway to have the sun after such a hard winter. I agreed, and then noticed, hey she has a wheelchair, how did she manage to get on the grass there by the lake. I said, did you wheel yourself here? She answered she had, that her wheel chair was small and light.
I kind of looked at her legs , and she said, I have a steel rod in my legs at the ankles. Oh, that must have been quite a break, she said, oh well, it's really not my legs that are the problem it's my back, I broke my back in two places and have a problem spine; at that I kind of winced, then she added, I tried to commit suicide. Oh boy .then, I felt kind of sick, I thought this is a really sad case. I said, gee that is awful, I hope you are on good meds for whatever, and that you have a psychiatrist. Oh yes, I'm careful to take my pills every day, see my psych twice a month.
I said, do you have family. Well I have a son 23, he's married and doesn't talk to me now, and a daughter 17. I said, She must feel bad about all this - Yes, she answered, but we get along o.k. I'm divorced now - and that's the reason I did that, my husband was terrible, and she added - he tried and she put her hands around her neck in a choking fashion. Gee, I said I hope he sees a psych. She said, well we talk now, and he does see a psychiatrist and is also on pills.
Feeling even sicker, I was kind of wanting to leave yet didn't want to rush away, so I said, I hope you have some good friends. She said, I have three good friends, I live right near here, and they live near me. That's good, and as I got up to leave she said, yes I really need them, as I tried to suicide five times.
My mind took that in as I weakly said "Well, that's so sad, I'll perhaps see you on my way back, I usually walk along further, I'm glad you are getting help now, do keep taking your meds ...oh yes she replied, and so we said our goodbyes...
Somewhere in the conversation she told me she was forty-seven. How could anyone so lovely and young do that, be so so depressed and miserable. I told this story to a friend who said, well she was asking for help. Well hello, for sure she needs help... I need help to take it all in. It was and is mind boggling.
The only good thing is she is getting some help - obviously, but to tell her story, to a complete stranger, in a calm and pleasant voice, well, somehow that is calling for help as well.
I have walked the lake a few times since then, have not seen her although I think I saw her wheeling herself along the road, one day, when I was on a bus coming home, it was pouring rain - this left me disconcerted, and feeling so sad for her, I can't seem to get the image out of my mind, of her struggle in the rain, in fact her struggle period.
I hope and pray, someone, somewhere is helping her. G'night.
Sunday 7 June 2015
Saturday May 7, 2017, Actually its 3:00 a.m. Sunday.
Thinking of you - as usual - each night - each day - each hour- when do I rest from this ache in my heart, when will the pain go away, when will it be safe to say your name without a tear falling from my eye, Is there a time for that. Can I ever become able to remember the good times, the many hugs and kisses . I just read that one should say your name and talk as if you are here, talk to you, I've heard others say, I talk to my beloved as I walk, as normally as if he or she were here I cannot do that, I try but it is hopeless, I become incoherent with pain. I saw you when we were mediating in yoga, how you used to sit on the chair, you seemed to be there, for it was so clear, I smiled and you faded away, but for a second how sweet it was - then the pain returned...it haunts me follows me wherever I go.
Today at the lake I walked the path we used to take, the path behind the cottage. I remembered our walk there one day, when all of a sudden there was a huge thunder clap and the sky went dark, we jumped and ran like two demented people as lightening flashed in front of us, back to the cottage and fell into our love seat in the sun porch facing the lake; laughing and so happy to be safe hugging each other as we watched the storm rage across the lake, the rain was like a heavy mist - we were unable to see the lake or anything in front of us - nothing just sheets and sheets of rain. We were amazed at the fierceness of the storm, never in our lives had we experienced this, later we discovered a tornado had passed through the lake and downed trees on the far side, huge tree roots were exposed to the roads all along a path through the woods - roofs were blown away..what could we say we were in the path and had escaped in time. As I walked I thought we might have been in the path long enough to be hit by one of the huge trees, as we laughed and scrambled to get away from the lightening and the thunder with the rain pounding down...I wished it had happened , the two of us whipped away laughing and with my laughter a kind of screaming in wonder and fear - a really magnificent show of the strength of nature and how helpless we were, but we were both happy we would have gone together, instead it didn't happen that way.
.I remember another day, where every little thing was so perfect - the lake was warm for swimming, the weather was so sunny, we had seen the loons, had been out in the boat. We had eaten a wonderful lunch, we had relaxed with a few of our friends who had visited us by rowing or paddling across the lake to our deck. We read our books, listened to music, then finally got in the car to go home. As we drove up the driveway to the road, I said, I would love to just go home and die..It was such a perfect day. You said I would rather get sick and die, why would you want to go when everything is perfect. Did I have a premonition that this day would come..I don't think so, but it has come, how I wish it could have happened to the two of us in the storm...we would still be together.
Instead here I am awake at almost three a.m. well maybe I should read my journal where I might find the page where I complain that you do not do the things that have to be done in the house, or have been telling me how to do this or that, making me upset and thereby causing me to make you upset..would I read this and think good I don't have him anymore, no it only makes me laugh as I would read further and read, well that was a silly argument, how wonderful it is to make up, how sweet are the makeup kisses...
Well those days are gone, you are never coming back, I am still here and my life goes on and I will try to follow the saying on my calendar here on my desk - "Joy is looking and comprehending is nature's most beautiful gift..apparently that saying is by Albert Einstein. So now maybe I should go to bed, and have the joy of seeing your face in a dream and comprehend and that way have a perfect night. I wish, perhaps better to just pray. g'nite.
Friday 5 June 2015
Friday, June 4,2015 Thanks for the memories....
As most of you know, I have been walking the same paths along the lake, alone. While I do not go out of my way to talk to strangers, that place just seems to lend itself to being a kind of home away from home for me, so I have been talking to fellow walkers. So along with the stories right in my residence, I have other stories, from the lake, - some are fun. some sad, yet , I feel that the stories are telling me we are all on this planet for a reason. The reason, maybe, we're just here to share our stories. Does this help us, well I think so as it gives us something else or somebody else to pay attention to, to support and sometimes to just be a listener.
So many stories, I don't know which to tell first, I continue being a visitor and tonight was no exception. My visit last night was with L. a 91 year old who has been here eight months. She and her husband have been married for about 63 years, he is 94 and although he is not well, he refuses to move from his house. L. definitely needs to be here, big swollen feet, heart condition and partially blind walks with a walker and for any amount of walking more than 10 feet or more has or should be in a wheel chair. So that's why she is here and he is in the house...(does not have the big A)
But, how pleasant it was to talk to her - she was getting ready for bed, she brushed out her long grey hair, and put it in a long thin braid...her face was all washed and shiny, and with her beautiful smile, she said how much she loves that I come to say goodnight to her. I told her, I love to see her braid her hair as it reminds me of my own mom, who used to do that every night, and in some other ways maybe it's her very fair face and blue eyes that also reminds me of my mom.
She has in the past few times I've visited, shown me pictures of her children and grandchildren, all so beautiful, and doing so well..how proud she is of the family. As well, she has told me of her life before retirement, she was an auditor at the Bay Department Store (Morgans ) for forty years, with the money she made she has travelled everywhere...So I asked, if her husband travelled with her. Well, surprise...NO, said very emphatically. He will not go anywhere, and even if he did, I wouldn't want him as he has to be the Boss.
She then proceeded to tell me how she travelled with her two close friends . She explained how one of the reasons they were so close is they all came from the same country, and were all married to bullies. For example she said her husband never would have company, he was anti-social, and refused to have friends for dinner...or even to play cards or socialize in any way. She said she was sure her children married when they were very young and moved away to get away from him, although now they are very helpful to both she and her husband.
Speaking of bullies though, She told me of how her friend's husband was sitting at a gathering of some sort, took off his glasses and held them to the light..on seeing the lens were cloudy, turned to his wife and said, Lisa here clean my glasses...and she said, much to her amazement her friend cleaned his glasses...Later though apparently, when talking in their threesome, her friend made a vow never to do it again. Wow , talk about women's liberation.
Then the preposee came in to get her to bed, it was one who had been with Mac many times in the past. The preposee said to me, you are such a friend to some of the old people here, I said, it passes my time - especially at night when I used to be with Mac before bedtime. All this was said,of course, in French. The preposee turned to L. and pointing at me, she and her husband, we called them Les Amoureux..and she hugged me.. I asked L. if she understood the preposee.. she said, you and your husband were the Lovers...how I wish I could say that. I wished she could have said that too.
When I said goodnight, L. hugged me and said, do please come and see me again, and I said I certainly will...and so I left L. and walked along saying hello God, thanks for my good memories and my good husband..g'nite.
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