Very often Mac asks this question, sometimes it's because we've been down to the dining room for our dinner - where there are so many people and then we come back home - to our apartment...but other times it's like this evening, after we have said goodbye to our 4 daughters - granddaughter and great granddaughter...then we came back to our lovely quiet place...Well, he said - "where is everybody" - I explain, we've just said, goodbye to all our girls. "Where did they go", he asked, and of course I replied all gone to their own homes. "Oh that's nice ...he said...and it truly is, we are happy they all have their homes, and we have ours', .but, it takes some time for Mac to kind of get that into perspective...not that he realizes they are his daughters but somehow the familiarity of it all is understood by him. Of course Finley, our great grandaughter at only two and a half can make him laugh, plays the game of getting to his chair before him...and charm him .. So then he wonders where he wonders are the people that seem to know me so well. And then that moment passes.
I'm back on line with a new computer, and much has happened in the days that we have been without the computer. Mac has required 3 more times of taking a special pill for agitation - a nice word for "going around he bend", because he is anxious or completely frustrated, the good thing is the pill works, he sleeps and behaves so much better the next day - as usually the episodes are in the evening before bed.
As usual we've had our daily walk, either to the lake or the stores - tomorrow we'll make the walk again, but it's getting slower and slower...I've been wondering which comes first the slow walking or because of weather or other problem we haven't gone for a long walk therefore, his shuffle or walk is really really slow...then again he will surprise me and do a jaunty kind of two step-but that lasts all of one second.
We have now met two other couples much like ourselves living here, they have just recently moved in, this is great for me in particular- to have a person, in both cases it's the wife, looking after a husband -with alzheimers -one lady is 90 years old and really sharp, the other like myself is 82, and her health isn't the greatest she is on oxygen tubes-and apparently now regrets moving her husband out of a long care place to be with him in a place like this. She feels really tied down, and finds it very difficult...but he was not doing well and so wanted to be with her..
So as time goes on, we may have some more time with these new neighbours, but Mac has no comment when we meet them. he is always keen to move on after we talk for a few minutes with others, as following conversations, and answering questions causes anxiety..
.Thursday of last week we went with the Teapot (over 55 grp) to the old port of Montreal, t'was lovely
- but not for Mac, who was sure I was lost and he could hardly wait to get on the bus and travel back home...walking around the port, looking at a tall ship, seeing lovely old buildings, flea market, and Montreal's latest new beach at the port...with lovely sand and parasols, but no swimming...was, for
sure - not for him...his anxiety and nervousness were such that he was literally shaking at times...causing him to be angry with me for taking him there. Will have to give more thought to these kind of trips in future...home is where he is the happiest; and bed where he is now - the best, so that's where I'll join him, g'nite.
Sunday 31 August 2014
Saturday 16 August 2014
Saturday, August 16, 2014 It's missing, it's missing....
Well "it" is Mac's wallet. Timing is everything these days.. when the new preposee was late last night, the gradual decline of stable thinking was on the way...He had gotten through the sundown time so well. I have been trying to do more mental stimulation, choosing that time to kind of get his mind in some sort of thinking away, from why and where he had to go..usually it's to his family, to his mother, and gradually getting more and more agitated as these avenues of leaving the building are closed and distractiion not working. So, I was quite happy with my choice of two games...one playing cards, just putting the high card the winner we played a couple of games, or mainly i played he would put the card down, and i'd say, oh look you have a jack i only have a 9, you win, kind of thing - so this passed some of the time, along with playing Snakes and ladders, which was played with a dice, his throwing, happily if it landed on the floor, and my reading the dots to him, and his piece on the game being played by myself...this game was not so well received - on a scale of one to five, it was a two, and the card game was a three...but i will try again.
Finally the new preposee, Eunice arrived, happily cheerly greeting mac, with Mac into his mode - - so agitated he could hardly speak the words 'it's missing...he was sure someone had come into the house and taken his wallet..even though i gave it to him, he was too agitated too off target to register it. Finally we were able to simmer him down, and he could verbalize that it had been missing for two days, therefore someone had taken it. This is a new thought for him, but one he held onto, and poor Eunice had an awful time trying to distract him.."Look Mr. Mac you have your wallet, let me get your pyjamas on "naturally i was trying to help as well, and we did finally get him to bed (and for sure adding the special pill to calm him and let him sleep)
This is so opposite to how he is now, sitting listening to lovely classical music, directing the whole piece with his head and feet..piano - by Anton querti playing Bahrams..though poor Eunice had to go through trying to get him dressed earlier this morning, in semi awake mode plus very grouchy (result partly of the pill0
A few tips were given to me by our friend Tristan,(An big A. worker for the Assoc.) about how to distract mac..especially good was the idea of not dismissing his thoughts of going to his mom's but asking questions about his mom...this idea worked well when he spoke about seeing her earlier in the week (also at sundown), and hopefully will continue to work, staving off the usual agitation period., now i'll have to remember that and ask questions about his wallet, when he get's into a tizzy about it, because even though he had the wallet in his hand he can go off on a tangent and get so worked up, it becomes impossible to have him register anything in his mind, and getting him into pj.s was almost impossible.
The mystery of my father's mind' an article by Rebecca Rotert (not sure of the last name now) was sent to me by one of the readers of my blog - like myself this woman was intrigued by the way her dad's mind worked or didn't work with this affliction - the big A - one thing that struck home with me, was how both he and Mac are so keen on beauty - i.e. the beauty of a flower, the beauty we see every day..in Mac's case the sunshine in our apartment, the view, the lake etc. and what she said is so true...Beauty does not have to connect with memory. it's just there, and so can be so so restful, and able to be spoken to and about. This is also the same with music.
Cognitively I'm still using music when we walk...as a few days ago when it was so nice and warm, we were walking along with me singing In the Good old Summer Time'...each time I'd get to the title i'd leave out the last two words - Mac used to be able to sing the words..but now he just is able to kind of stutter them out..but i'm happy that he can still do this..also happy that he can laugh at how i sing...
Well we have now done two of the morning chores, brushing our teeth, and me washing and mac drying our breakfast dishes...it looks like the rain has let up so we will go for our groceries..a 25 minute slow walk for Mac each way to our local IGA, so bye for now
Finally the new preposee, Eunice arrived, happily cheerly greeting mac, with Mac into his mode - - so agitated he could hardly speak the words 'it's missing...he was sure someone had come into the house and taken his wallet..even though i gave it to him, he was too agitated too off target to register it. Finally we were able to simmer him down, and he could verbalize that it had been missing for two days, therefore someone had taken it. This is a new thought for him, but one he held onto, and poor Eunice had an awful time trying to distract him.."Look Mr. Mac you have your wallet, let me get your pyjamas on "naturally i was trying to help as well, and we did finally get him to bed (and for sure adding the special pill to calm him and let him sleep)
This is so opposite to how he is now, sitting listening to lovely classical music, directing the whole piece with his head and feet..piano - by Anton querti playing Bahrams..though poor Eunice had to go through trying to get him dressed earlier this morning, in semi awake mode plus very grouchy (result partly of the pill0
A few tips were given to me by our friend Tristan,(An big A. worker for the Assoc.) about how to distract mac..especially good was the idea of not dismissing his thoughts of going to his mom's but asking questions about his mom...this idea worked well when he spoke about seeing her earlier in the week (also at sundown), and hopefully will continue to work, staving off the usual agitation period., now i'll have to remember that and ask questions about his wallet, when he get's into a tizzy about it, because even though he had the wallet in his hand he can go off on a tangent and get so worked up, it becomes impossible to have him register anything in his mind, and getting him into pj.s was almost impossible.
The mystery of my father's mind' an article by Rebecca Rotert (not sure of the last name now) was sent to me by one of the readers of my blog - like myself this woman was intrigued by the way her dad's mind worked or didn't work with this affliction - the big A - one thing that struck home with me, was how both he and Mac are so keen on beauty - i.e. the beauty of a flower, the beauty we see every day..in Mac's case the sunshine in our apartment, the view, the lake etc. and what she said is so true...Beauty does not have to connect with memory. it's just there, and so can be so so restful, and able to be spoken to and about. This is also the same with music.
Cognitively I'm still using music when we walk...as a few days ago when it was so nice and warm, we were walking along with me singing In the Good old Summer Time'...each time I'd get to the title i'd leave out the last two words - Mac used to be able to sing the words..but now he just is able to kind of stutter them out..but i'm happy that he can still do this..also happy that he can laugh at how i sing...
Well we have now done two of the morning chores, brushing our teeth, and me washing and mac drying our breakfast dishes...it looks like the rain has let up so we will go for our groceries..a 25 minute slow walk for Mac each way to our local IGA, so bye for now
Tuesday 12 August 2014
Tuesday, August12, 2014 Where do you live??
It's been one of those days, lots going on, in terms of visitors, friend at 10;30 to deliver stuff, grandaughter and great grandaughter to visit for an hour, then another friend for lunch, and then for a quiet walk, just the two of us. Our walk through a lovely park with water flowing in a brook, little bridges over the brook, and lovely benches in the shade..and while sitting on a bench, came that question from Mac, Where do you live? I answered, with you...then went on to say where we lived ..then came a torrent of questions based on the fact that I had put 5$ in his pocket as i didn't have a pocket..what a mistake. We went around in circles talking about this money, his money, my money, money in the bank...till i was ready to spit..Not being able to sleep till five a.m. this morning and waking up at 7;00, with mr wide awake mac didn't do my patience much good..but finally he simmered down re; questions, and I actually slept sitting on the bench...for about 15 min. but felt great..
Now this mixed up thinking has returned to Mac's mind, starting about 7;45 p.m. and continuted getting more and more agitated, and when poor Stephane the preposee came to get him ready he was raging. He had to get out of this place, downstairs and to his family. When she said, this is your family, this is your wife...he almost burst he was so incensed. So she went to get the male nurse Bassim, who came helped her to get his p.j.s on - he seems quite fearful of Bassim though B. is so soft sweet, and a head shorter than Mac..but he talks firmly and in short sentences...Which worked, while I got a pill for nervousness and agittion ready and his regular pill.
Mac is now in bed, Bassim will check at 10 p..m. and i'm here wondering whether to sleep in our bed or on the sofa..Last night he just kept sitting up and lying down constantly, got up once but walked around then came back to bed...hopefully the pill will work and he'll sleep all night....i'm living in hopes...As this is happening a little more frequently these days..think i'm going to have to 'bite the bullet' and think of just having him sleep downstairs - then that will mean he'll have to have his own room, it's complicated and i'll have to discuss it with the doc and director..as i don't want to just leave him there, i want him with me in the day.
Perhaps i should start now sleeping on the sofa , saying that's my bed - the bedroom his - and gradually get him used to separate places for sleeping...yuck..this is really heartbreaking...
There are so many sad problems, people are suffering in the world, children are being bombed, etc ...and everyone has their own sad situations...I have many sunny moments in this really awful time in our lives, great family, lovely great grandchild, a grandaughter who brings her to us and cheers me so much...a great apartment, good food to eat...and even a husband who makes me laugh - appreciates and even says thanks when i explain things to him, like today re; his money...so when he growls, yells and carries on - wants to hit me...its not personal, but it's so so sad to see this happening to his brain...that somehow all the other times fade away and i become a wound up peice of vibrating string..that has trouble settling down - like now, but I'm going to try, so g'nite.
Now this mixed up thinking has returned to Mac's mind, starting about 7;45 p.m. and continuted getting more and more agitated, and when poor Stephane the preposee came to get him ready he was raging. He had to get out of this place, downstairs and to his family. When she said, this is your family, this is your wife...he almost burst he was so incensed. So she went to get the male nurse Bassim, who came helped her to get his p.j.s on - he seems quite fearful of Bassim though B. is so soft sweet, and a head shorter than Mac..but he talks firmly and in short sentences...Which worked, while I got a pill for nervousness and agittion ready and his regular pill.
Mac is now in bed, Bassim will check at 10 p..m. and i'm here wondering whether to sleep in our bed or on the sofa..Last night he just kept sitting up and lying down constantly, got up once but walked around then came back to bed...hopefully the pill will work and he'll sleep all night....i'm living in hopes...As this is happening a little more frequently these days..think i'm going to have to 'bite the bullet' and think of just having him sleep downstairs - then that will mean he'll have to have his own room, it's complicated and i'll have to discuss it with the doc and director..as i don't want to just leave him there, i want him with me in the day.
Perhaps i should start now sleeping on the sofa , saying that's my bed - the bedroom his - and gradually get him used to separate places for sleeping...yuck..this is really heartbreaking...
There are so many sad problems, people are suffering in the world, children are being bombed, etc ...and everyone has their own sad situations...I have many sunny moments in this really awful time in our lives, great family, lovely great grandchild, a grandaughter who brings her to us and cheers me so much...a great apartment, good food to eat...and even a husband who makes me laugh - appreciates and even says thanks when i explain things to him, like today re; his money...so when he growls, yells and carries on - wants to hit me...its not personal, but it's so so sad to see this happening to his brain...that somehow all the other times fade away and i become a wound up peice of vibrating string..that has trouble settling down - like now, but I'm going to try, so g'nite.
Thursday 7 August 2014
Thursday, August 7, 2014 What did you say your name was?
Well after having some wonderful easy days and nights, I even think i mentioned it in my last blog...sure enough can't do that..this is my answer to a friend's email tonight
okay, August 14th sounds o.k. to me...although have had a kind of uneasy day, mac was rather agitated and not exactly with it. hopefully all will be well by the time we will meet- one never knows -
things were going so well for about 8 days...but as soon as i start thinking oh well this is the way it goes now, he is so so out of the memory business that he is not agitated, when boom he starts...
who are you, what do you mean - you are not my wife, get out of here. don't you dare hold my hand - take off...stop playing games...get away, i'm going to my own home what did you say your name was...janet mcconell, no way, get out of here, - then he starts getting a bit rough. I calmed him down (we were out on an evening walk),
I said come into this building I'll show you where you live..Well, he was absolutely livid,and said i'm going to stop you; you; are going to need to be pushed out of here, you are not going to show me anything. ' Well long story short. this continued for some time, i said, let's go see Alice, who we often visit in the evening to help her and talk to her for a few min. well that was a downer, he was angry and fit to be tied. I had the male nurse there, and mac said, i'm going to punch her, she is saying her name is Janet McConnell...The nurse tried to calm him, then Stephane his preposee came she said. This is your wife..wow, he almost exploded he was so mad. She went to get the other nurse who has the meds and the knowhow..(another male nurse). So finally I got him in our apartment, and surprise, Gaye phoned me to say she had some gingerale for mac and nuts she forgot to give us last night... told her the prblm).she settled him downa bit on the phone and came over ;, had me go out of the apartment, and though he wasn't completely satisfied, he was calmer, and she gave him a sleeping pill, and now hes' in bed...so how was YOUR day..ha...
So that's how it is right now, I'm trying to get myself calm enough to go to bed and relax. I know I can run away from him if he gets too rough, but i don't want him to try to run after me, he will fall and hurt himself. It surely is a dilemma..and I feel so sad for him, how awful, not to know what's going on, to feel so disoriented, to want to go home and not know where home is, to want his wife and not know her when he sees her, to be so so upset and feeling so helpless and useless.
Just yesterday, he was making jokes, and waving to people so happily, enjoyed a birthday dinner at Gaye's home (Chris - gaye's son's bd) and came home went to bed and all was well, and then we have this side of the moon (the dark side)..This is when I become really undone..how can I help him, he is such a sweet man, and always was so there for me. It is so hard to watch and not be able to fix things for him, makes me depressed; I'm going to pick my socks up now, and get with it..as I keep saying it's moment by moment. And this right now is a good moment, he is asleep, and all is well, so g'nite.
i'm kind of nervous to get in bed tonite...hope the pill works...will get back to you, g'nite, xxxjan.
Monday 4 August 2014
Monday, August 4, 2014 " I guess she didn't realize....
Before I forget this episode in our lives, here at Residence Floralies, i want to write about it...we were (that is, Mac and I) were sitting on the kind of swing in the back garden, while others (a woman with Alzheimers, her husband, daughter, son - in -law,and their dog - Leela were sitting in the glider swings- chatting). Then the woman who is a resident here waved to us and said "Allo Amoureux' which is what many of the people here call us, as we are always walking together hand in hand....Mac said, what did she say...i said she said "Hello, lovers - in French...that's when he said -" I guess she didn't realize.......... that you are a man"
Well, this is kind of laughable, but i often wonder about this as he often knows i'm a woman, and yet he often does not... What triggers his identity mix-up...We have about four or five constant preposees - they are all women, yet he calls them all men - their hair is usally pulled back in a pony tail, so perhaps that triggers it...but yet one girl has her hair in a long braid, he seems to know she is a girl..but her voice is high and kind of squeaky at times.maybe that's it as the rest of us, have low voices...Debbie (our caregiver when I'm away), has a rather loud voice, but definitely a woman's voice, sometimes her hair is up sometimes down, to Mac, she is always a "he" ,
A couple of times I've tripped, or kind of hurt myself in some minor way, Mac always puts his arm around me, and says 'are you o.k. now' he will hold my hand in church or when we are seated close to each other.
There are various times in the past year since we have been here, that he will hug and kiss me, and he always smiles when i kiss him - so there are triggers in his memory, but what are the triggers - who knows..
His one constant female memory is his mother...where he used to always want to find her...he now seems content to just say - My mother used to be around here somewhere...I haven't seen her for such a long time..I usually agree, and say 'yes it's been a long time...same with myself, I haven't seen my mom for a long time either.." he may add..I should just go and see her - or just go out and visit...but he doesn't have the frantic agitated state when he says this now..which is a plus..
I'm almost afraid to say this but he seems to be more content to just relax, his agitation periods seem to be more in trying to figure out who pays for things and where do they pay etc. This i can kind of sort out as his verbal abilities, are now very much diminished, and his 'oh hell, never mind' ..are more frequent...his short term and long term memories are all but gone...there are no more stories about the past. Now that i've said this, he may just come out with a story..or a memory of some kind..It is as i'm always saying an up and down or a now he is now he isn't kind of thing.
For Debbie she is always delighted when he speaks to her without growling, enjoys eating his snacks- and seems relaxed...which was the case last week...but she never knows, and neither do I. I'm really going out on a limb here, he has slept through the night for a total of eight nights now...hurrah, that means I'm sleeping too, and he's waking up easier too; so now hopefully Wednesday shower day, may turn out o.k. but I'm not counting on it.. One would think that my own mood would be much better, but sad to say, I am getting to be a weepy person, and have to pull myself out of my slumps...which seem to be often, keep having to go to the resource book for caregivers to get myself in hand ...thankfully support groups are there for us caregivers, and they do help..so onward to the dishes and the washing, with Mac's help ...
Well, this is kind of laughable, but i often wonder about this as he often knows i'm a woman, and yet he often does not... What triggers his identity mix-up...We have about four or five constant preposees - they are all women, yet he calls them all men - their hair is usally pulled back in a pony tail, so perhaps that triggers it...but yet one girl has her hair in a long braid, he seems to know she is a girl..but her voice is high and kind of squeaky at times.maybe that's it as the rest of us, have low voices...Debbie (our caregiver when I'm away), has a rather loud voice, but definitely a woman's voice, sometimes her hair is up sometimes down, to Mac, she is always a "he" ,
A couple of times I've tripped, or kind of hurt myself in some minor way, Mac always puts his arm around me, and says 'are you o.k. now' he will hold my hand in church or when we are seated close to each other.
There are various times in the past year since we have been here, that he will hug and kiss me, and he always smiles when i kiss him - so there are triggers in his memory, but what are the triggers - who knows..
His one constant female memory is his mother...where he used to always want to find her...he now seems content to just say - My mother used to be around here somewhere...I haven't seen her for such a long time..I usually agree, and say 'yes it's been a long time...same with myself, I haven't seen my mom for a long time either.." he may add..I should just go and see her - or just go out and visit...but he doesn't have the frantic agitated state when he says this now..which is a plus..
I'm almost afraid to say this but he seems to be more content to just relax, his agitation periods seem to be more in trying to figure out who pays for things and where do they pay etc. This i can kind of sort out as his verbal abilities, are now very much diminished, and his 'oh hell, never mind' ..are more frequent...his short term and long term memories are all but gone...there are no more stories about the past. Now that i've said this, he may just come out with a story..or a memory of some kind..It is as i'm always saying an up and down or a now he is now he isn't kind of thing.
For Debbie she is always delighted when he speaks to her without growling, enjoys eating his snacks- and seems relaxed...which was the case last week...but she never knows, and neither do I. I'm really going out on a limb here, he has slept through the night for a total of eight nights now...hurrah, that means I'm sleeping too, and he's waking up easier too; so now hopefully Wednesday shower day, may turn out o.k. but I'm not counting on it.. One would think that my own mood would be much better, but sad to say, I am getting to be a weepy person, and have to pull myself out of my slumps...which seem to be often, keep having to go to the resource book for caregivers to get myself in hand ...thankfully support groups are there for us caregivers, and they do help..so onward to the dishes and the washing, with Mac's help ...
Saturday 2 August 2014
Saturday, August 2, 2014 Oh this is where i sleep....
and over there on that side - you sleep...yes i answer....this is what mac says just about every night...after he asks where is the bedroom. Once the preposee has his p.j.'s on I try to get him to bed asap as he has had so many problems these days waking up to get dressed...Strangely enough yesterday, he woke up at 7;00 a.m. a first, and then couldn't get back to sleep..so we both stayed awake.and all went..well BUT, that did it.this morning he could'nt wake up till after 9;15, which wasn't too bad as this is the day the preposee, Agnes comes, she is cheery and always later, takes her time, so that was good. But, his behaviour was awful Mac tried to kick her when she was dressing him... it's really tough trying to be nice when someone waves you away, as he did the minute he saw her..but she persevered. After she finished she told me that he did kick her; and that the man next door Mr. Putch yelled at her all the time she was dressing him..so for her it was a really bad day.
Getting back to asking where the bedroom is - mac doesn't remember where any room in this house is and we've really only got three, plus a hallway..another thing, he can't seem to see me when I sit at the far side of the room on the computer. He has trouble seeing his fork, spoon, or his food..I'm definitely going to make a eye doctor appointment. Last time we were there the doctor says it goes with the territory, meaning Alzheimers..but it seems to be getting worse..Actually I'll check it out with the doc when he comes back from holidays..in the meantime I am getting morose over these things, and have to work hard to cheer myself up had been telling my friend whose mom has the big A. and this continues from my email to her....
Getting back to asking where the bedroom is - mac doesn't remember where any room in this house is and we've really only got three, plus a hallway..another thing, he can't seem to see me when I sit at the far side of the room on the computer. He has trouble seeing his fork, spoon, or his food..I'm definitely going to make a eye doctor appointment. Last time we were there the doctor says it goes with the territory, meaning Alzheimers..but it seems to be getting worse..Actually I'll check it out with the doc when he comes back from holidays..in the meantime I am getting morose over these things, and have to work hard to cheer myself up had been telling my friend whose mom has the big A. and this continues from my email to her....
So that's that...I had been reading stuff for care-givers that says 'your family would be willing to give you time out...and you should take it blah blah, but they don't take bathroom needs into consideration....and how difficult it is to interfere into the lives of others who also have their own lives and problems to deal with....
A plus...our usual preposee introduced us to a new one that will be working part time, she is English - from the Camaroons in Africa..jolly girl named Eunice, she said she would be happy to moonlight when i need her.
Actually my Debbie is still there for me, and does a good job for the most part..so i'm just going to forget about making all my family part of the solution....i.e. giving me short times out, respite when needed....
BUT, your answers this one and the earlier, make so much sense, and i'm a happier (not entirely happy) camper and have just a tiny bit of sadness, added to my perpetual easy to cry status...which by the way was what sent me reading "helpful hints for the caregiver in the first place...hmm."
Her answers were that no one that has not lived full time with someone with the big A. really knows the heartbreak it causes; and feeling like crying is par for the course. In any case i made it clear to her that I would rather live with him than without him..and saying that - the perpetual lump in my throat went away and I cheered up; now I hope I can stay that way for at least a while.. My support group are great, and they say everyone in a family that has a member with A. has their own problems plus the added heartbreak of trying to be there for the caregiver and the family member that has the disease..and it is a really difficult problem..so with that in mind, I'm happy that Mac has a supportive family, a wonderful little great grandchild who loves him, and says Grandmac is my best friend - how wonderful is that..so g'nite..
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