I'm just responsible for myself these days - it seems so unreal, to be able to go out and not have a deadline, that is a time I must get back so that the person staying with Mac would be free to leave. I realize now that I had never really relaxed. For example, during the relaxing posture in yoga, at the end of class - I would be wondering about Mac, thinking constantly, which is a real no no One is supposed to try to be on a true level of relaxation. Relaxing was never part of my life in the past eight or nine years, my thoughts were always busy. So now that he is gone, this should be one area, where I should be gaining some benefit. So far it's not happening, but maybe one day.
Last week had a manicure, or a mani -pedi..who knew what that was, I sure didn't, but a group of my friends and I went to a spa recently. What a pleasure, and the mani part of the business is to have your fingernails cleaned; actually done meticulously by the manicurist, plus a hand and arm massage. Wow, what a job she did, believe it or not, that part took at least an hour..the pedi part was feet and kind of lower leg massage and of course toenails all done to perfection.
While this was being done by a lovely manicurist, beautiful music played softly in the background. Suddenly her head perked up. She said - there is "our song". I said, your song??? She replied it's our song the song played for the dance at our wedding. Well I didn't recognize the song, she said it's Elle, or She. Well I said, I'll have to get it on youtube and listen. As I spoke I noticed how her eyes lit up and how happy she looked. I said - how long have you been married. Twelve years she answered, that is quite a record these days. I didn't inform her that we would have been married sixty-three years in June. Anyway, it was the music I was interested in, she made me remember "our song".
Music that wonderful part of our life, it was 1948-49 - I think - on the lakeshore - Dorval Pine Beach where I first met Mac..the music that we listened and danced to at the hotel across from the beach, and even in King's restaurant there, was Boogie and Glenn Miller's, In the Mood. The Boogie was Albert Ammons - Shout for Joy.
In those days many of the kids that were going steady had "their song", although when we first met we didn't have a special song, until we broke up and then went steady again. This happened a few times, so one particular song became "our song" which was so appropriate it was
"I'll Never say Never" If all my lessons were taught to me through music, I would remember everything, as I can remember words to songs ...and these were the words to our song.:-
I'll never say never - never again, cause here I am in love again, head over heels in love again with you
I'll never say never kiss you again cause here I am kissing you again, that's just the thing I said I"d never do
I walked away and said goodbye, I was hasty wasn't I ...I missed you so I thought I'd die, but it's all over now throw my hat in the sky ..
.I'll never say never again, again, cause here I am in love again, head over heels in love again with the same sweet you.
and so our ups and downs in love were recorded in the music of the day...
What would cause our breakups...I think it's natural as we were so young,15 and 18 and really did not know our own minds...probably most of the breakups were because of boredom with each other, or perhaps another guy in my case) looked hmmm, or another girl in Mac's case. Though neither of us ever said so..It was usually Mac who would be he dumper as they say and I was the dumpee, but as a dumpee I soon got back in the swing of things, then Mac would come along and get us back together.
Our final and last break up and get together happened when we met quite by chance, at Plateau Hall, There was Ella Fitzgerald - singing with Norman Granz's Jazz at the Philharmonic. both Mac and I were in the audience - and surprise he was in front of us, he with his pal Bud Lawrence, I with my friend Helen Langlois, he turned to me and raised his eyebrows and as Ella sang
"Missed the Saturday dance, heard they crowded the floor, Awfully different without you Don't Get around Much anymore.
he said....."I missed you, I didn't go to the dance."
So from that moment on we were back together, and in the words of the song ..... happier than before, and all we could do is promise for ever more to never say never, never again...coz there we were in love again....
now he is gone, I miss him so.... how I wish we could get back together... .. g'nite
Saturday 25 April 2015
Saturday 18 April 2015
Saturday, April 18, 2015 LIfe after a death....
Life after Mac's Death
It has been one month and a week after my husband, lover and best friend Mac died. Is there a life after his death?? well for me ...not really.
I have, what one would consider a really large and loving support system. First my family of five children, eleven grandchildren and two great grandchildren. There are the relatives, friends and neighbours, all willing to help, cheer, and even wine and dine me. Enough money to enjoy all the entertainment, restaurants and travel, if I am so inclined. I have hobbies and exercise routines giving me so-called fun activities.,
Apart from that I have some relatives and friends who have encouraged me to visit, or travel with them, which gives me something to think about and even to act upon. Therefore I am going to start in a nearby way, visiting friends for a couple of days at a time in Ottawa, Quebec, and Toronto. Later this will also include Florida, and California, these activities and visits by others, has given me a reason to sit down, plan and try to raise some excitement or perhaps to coin a better word I guess it would be to raise some interest of sorts.
All in all looking at the aforementioned paragraphs, life should go on, albeit without the main ONE in my life, MAC. I try to be clear to myself , sixty-three years of marriage to a man who was so there for me, of course it's to be understood, I'll feel this way, but even as I write this, I don't want to feel this way-
It's absolutely clear, , there is no HELP for it. We were commiserating a friend and myself about how lost we feel..her husband died a couple of months before mine she is in the same position and feels as she goes through the motion of living --this is NOT life. Another acquaintance once said to me that life without her husband was "pure torture". At the time I could hardly take that in - now I'm feeling - in a way - tortured.
All my life I have been writing, so many journals and a diary it and the journals are strewn around the apartment, I say to myself these will have to be burned before I too die. In the meantime I read them - cursing myself for writing so much about ME ...i.e. high school problems, and fun, first jobs, first loves, friends, getting married, my life as working wife, then a stay home mother, and then a back to school mom, a teacher , grandmother and great grandmother and finally - a blog about the main person- Mac. The blog records how we dealt with the last eight years of his life as a man suffering from Alzheimer's Disease. I now read the diaries and journals with only one aim. What did Mac do, what did HE say, I love to read lines like," I'm waiting here in bed - petting Tyrone (our cat at the time), as soon, Mac will be here to pet me."
How we enjoyed our life, our togetherness, our love and even our arguments, which believe me were many. I'm sure our kids could attest to both.
So what can help, in some ways, NOTHING..but a friend gave me a book titled " Healing After Loss, by Martha Whitmore Hickman, this book helped her in many ways. Before I close my eyes at night - I'm reading the daily meditations ...this particular one seems to resonate for me
"What do we have to give. If we venture a new love what is to protect us from the same thing happening again". Nothing... In my case it means loving others - well it did happen, I was so looking forward o seeing my friend Dorothy, she had gone through loss, her husband died a few years ago, we were such good friends. and planning to console and love each other..on the Wednesday after Mac died - but she died before then... the book goes on to say, "there is nothing to protect us" ,so true....It was such a blow, " "
"the wisdom of the ages is to pour love out on the rest of creation." So that's what I'm trying to do/ in small doses . for example, I am visiting one man who is now on the second floor with all the advanced Dementia patients, his wife is in hospital. He is suffering so much without her. but, both of us get some relief as I show him books about his country of origin, England. In fact we quite enjoy the short time, and he is so happy when he sees pictures of various areas in England including his own, i.e. Durham.
I had also made a practice when Mac was alive, to visit Alice. She is wheelchair bound, partially blind, toothless and miserable for the most part, but she does get some bit of enjoyment when I visit. Now she likes to think about where to put Mac's ashes, I tell her his ashes will be buried up at our country place - oh but where will yours go. I say In the lake, oh take some of Mac's he has to be in the lake with you. Then we discuss how he didn't swim that much and I did - and so we go on to different scenarios with the ashes- somehow when I am with Alice or Cliff, I feel somehow still connected to Mac, therefore not so so sad. This seems to work - giving them both some love helps me as well. This advice in the book works. So life does go on after a death of a loved one..it's not the life I want - that's impossible, but it's the life I have ..so I'll continue to offer a form of love to others who may need it. g'nite and love jan
It has been one month and a week after my husband, lover and best friend Mac died. Is there a life after his death?? well for me ...not really.
I have, what one would consider a really large and loving support system. First my family of five children, eleven grandchildren and two great grandchildren. There are the relatives, friends and neighbours, all willing to help, cheer, and even wine and dine me. Enough money to enjoy all the entertainment, restaurants and travel, if I am so inclined. I have hobbies and exercise routines giving me so-called fun activities.,
Apart from that I have some relatives and friends who have encouraged me to visit, or travel with them, which gives me something to think about and even to act upon. Therefore I am going to start in a nearby way, visiting friends for a couple of days at a time in Ottawa, Quebec, and Toronto. Later this will also include Florida, and California, these activities and visits by others, has given me a reason to sit down, plan and try to raise some excitement or perhaps to coin a better word I guess it would be to raise some interest of sorts.
All in all looking at the aforementioned paragraphs, life should go on, albeit without the main ONE in my life, MAC. I try to be clear to myself , sixty-three years of marriage to a man who was so there for me, of course it's to be understood, I'll feel this way, but even as I write this, I don't want to feel this way-
It's absolutely clear, , there is no HELP for it. We were commiserating a friend and myself about how lost we feel..her husband died a couple of months before mine she is in the same position and feels as she goes through the motion of living --this is NOT life. Another acquaintance once said to me that life without her husband was "pure torture". At the time I could hardly take that in - now I'm feeling - in a way - tortured.
All my life I have been writing, so many journals and a diary it and the journals are strewn around the apartment, I say to myself these will have to be burned before I too die. In the meantime I read them - cursing myself for writing so much about ME ...i.e. high school problems, and fun, first jobs, first loves, friends, getting married, my life as working wife, then a stay home mother, and then a back to school mom, a teacher , grandmother and great grandmother and finally - a blog about the main person- Mac. The blog records how we dealt with the last eight years of his life as a man suffering from Alzheimer's Disease. I now read the diaries and journals with only one aim. What did Mac do, what did HE say, I love to read lines like," I'm waiting here in bed - petting Tyrone (our cat at the time), as soon, Mac will be here to pet me."
How we enjoyed our life, our togetherness, our love and even our arguments, which believe me were many. I'm sure our kids could attest to both.
So what can help, in some ways, NOTHING..but a friend gave me a book titled " Healing After Loss, by Martha Whitmore Hickman, this book helped her in many ways. Before I close my eyes at night - I'm reading the daily meditations ...this particular one seems to resonate for me
"What do we have to give. If we venture a new love what is to protect us from the same thing happening again". Nothing... In my case it means loving others - well it did happen, I was so looking forward o seeing my friend Dorothy, she had gone through loss, her husband died a few years ago, we were such good friends. and planning to console and love each other..on the Wednesday after Mac died - but she died before then... the book goes on to say, "there is nothing to protect us" ,so true....It was such a blow, " "
"the wisdom of the ages is to pour love out on the rest of creation." So that's what I'm trying to do/ in small doses . for example, I am visiting one man who is now on the second floor with all the advanced Dementia patients, his wife is in hospital. He is suffering so much without her. but, both of us get some relief as I show him books about his country of origin, England. In fact we quite enjoy the short time, and he is so happy when he sees pictures of various areas in England including his own, i.e. Durham.
I had also made a practice when Mac was alive, to visit Alice. She is wheelchair bound, partially blind, toothless and miserable for the most part, but she does get some bit of enjoyment when I visit. Now she likes to think about where to put Mac's ashes, I tell her his ashes will be buried up at our country place - oh but where will yours go. I say In the lake, oh take some of Mac's he has to be in the lake with you. Then we discuss how he didn't swim that much and I did - and so we go on to different scenarios with the ashes- somehow when I am with Alice or Cliff, I feel somehow still connected to Mac, therefore not so so sad. This seems to work - giving them both some love helps me as well. This advice in the book works. So life does go on after a death of a loved one..it's not the life I want - that's impossible, but it's the life I have ..so I'll continue to offer a form of love to others who may need it. g'nite and love jan
Sunday 12 April 2015
Sunday, April 12, 2015... The melody lingers on....
It's six-fifteen a.m. I'm awake with an old song in my head, Mac's face is still there from the lovely photo that was used at the funeral yesterday. I couldn't go back to sleep so decided to check out the lyrics to the song, since I knew some of the words and well they just seemed so right.
"The song is ended
But the melody lingers on
You and the song are gone
But the melody lingers on
The night was splendid
And the melody seemed to say
"summer will pass away
Take your happiness while you may"
The moon descended
And I found with the break of dawn
You and the song had gone
But the melody lingers on."
The tears linger on as well. My friend Joan sent me an email which I'm copying the words she wrote about the funeral-
"If a funeral could be described as wonderful, beautiful, and truly meaningful, then Mac's funeral fits this description. You and your family let everyone know what a terrific person he was. Your trumpets sounded to let Heaven know he is coming! He will be with you in your hearts forever. Those close to us never leave us and we talk to them often - out loud or silently."
Yes Mac was terrific, he wasn't perfect we all know that. At Gaye's home after the funeral there were tears and cheers as we laughed and cried - we spoke of how he would lose his temper - especially at supper when the five kids would giggle, not eat, and cause Mac to yell and carry on..but how he cared about whether they ate or not...how he stomped and banged his fist on the table and even on his plate...it was through those growing up days of our family, the daily frustrations and daily fun that the five McConnell's would at times cry and laugh at their dad and learned how much he cared about them. In that way they were able to bring his life to a close with so many songs, and in that way I woke up with the melody lingering on.
"The song is ended
But the melody lingers on
You and the song are gone
But the melody lingers on
The night was splendid
And the melody seemed to say
"summer will pass away
Take your happiness while you may"
The moon descended
And I found with the break of dawn
You and the song had gone
But the melody lingers on."
The tears linger on as well. My friend Joan sent me an email which I'm copying the words she wrote about the funeral-
"If a funeral could be described as wonderful, beautiful, and truly meaningful, then Mac's funeral fits this description. You and your family let everyone know what a terrific person he was. Your trumpets sounded to let Heaven know he is coming! He will be with you in your hearts forever. Those close to us never leave us and we talk to them often - out loud or silently."
Yes Mac was terrific, he wasn't perfect we all know that. At Gaye's home after the funeral there were tears and cheers as we laughed and cried - we spoke of how he would lose his temper - especially at supper when the five kids would giggle, not eat, and cause Mac to yell and carry on..but how he cared about whether they ate or not...how he stomped and banged his fist on the table and even on his plate...it was through those growing up days of our family, the daily frustrations and daily fun that the five McConnell's would at times cry and laugh at their dad and learned how much he cared about them. In that way they were able to bring his life to a close with so many songs, and in that way I woke up with the melody lingering on.
Thursday 9 April 2015
Thursday, April 9, 2015 I need a wailing wall....
So many reasons to be sad for so many people, and here I am still wailing, it is going to be one month tomorrow that my sweet Mac swayed and tapped his feet, lay down and died. am still wailing and crying, of course as we get ready for the celebration of Mac's life on Saturday
Yet, Canada's CAF's bombed a target in Syria, wonder who died there and who is crying there. Mac and I used to walk in marches against wars, but there doesn't seem to be the same push ..both the Liberal and the NDP voted against this as the Harper govt had no long term strategy for the campaign against extremists, but there we are doing a killing from the sky..I can go on and on, but won't. Do I ever wish I could discuss this with the man I loved. Even at the end I couldn't really discuss this but for sure he would say, killing in war or peace is murder.
Today was sad in other ways as one of my friends here in the residence fell and broke her wrist, and it looks like maybe her hip too. I went down to the second floor to help her husband as he has a form of dementia and is wondering what happened - where is his wife, when is she coming back. Thankfully she had placed him there for a couple of weeks, so she could have some rest, but looks like she isn't going to have a good rest in the hospital as she is in such pain, and as Kurt Vonnegut used to say in his books, "and so it goes"...
I'm trying to be up beat, ha. Last Tuesday, my good friend Dorothy died, we were to get together Wednesday...so really it really sucks as the kids say...
Okay, here is a good happening. Two weeks ago Tuesday, I was in my Yoga class, it was the end of the session where we lie on our mats in shevastena not sure how one says or spells that/ That part is lovely we just rest on our backs, with our hands at our sides rest and clear our minds..When guess what! I opened my eyes and there was Mac's face right above mine. He was resting on his elbows, his face about 3 inches from mine his blue eyes twinkling in a kind of sexy way. I said - quietly - Hey Mac, what do you think you're doing? then I kind of giggled I was so happy, then he faded away. Quiet tears rolled down the sides of my face into my hair..when the yoga teacher surprised me by wiping the tears, she massaged my face and head, then she got up told everyone to open their eyes turn over and sit up.
Have not had this lovely experience since anywhere..but the memory is there, and I love the memory..so g'nite happy dreams.
Yet, Canada's CAF's bombed a target in Syria, wonder who died there and who is crying there. Mac and I used to walk in marches against wars, but there doesn't seem to be the same push ..both the Liberal and the NDP voted against this as the Harper govt had no long term strategy for the campaign against extremists, but there we are doing a killing from the sky..I can go on and on, but won't. Do I ever wish I could discuss this with the man I loved. Even at the end I couldn't really discuss this but for sure he would say, killing in war or peace is murder.
Today was sad in other ways as one of my friends here in the residence fell and broke her wrist, and it looks like maybe her hip too. I went down to the second floor to help her husband as he has a form of dementia and is wondering what happened - where is his wife, when is she coming back. Thankfully she had placed him there for a couple of weeks, so she could have some rest, but looks like she isn't going to have a good rest in the hospital as she is in such pain, and as Kurt Vonnegut used to say in his books, "and so it goes"...
I'm trying to be up beat, ha. Last Tuesday, my good friend Dorothy died, we were to get together Wednesday...so really it really sucks as the kids say...
Okay, here is a good happening. Two weeks ago Tuesday, I was in my Yoga class, it was the end of the session where we lie on our mats in shevastena not sure how one says or spells that/ That part is lovely we just rest on our backs, with our hands at our sides rest and clear our minds..When guess what! I opened my eyes and there was Mac's face right above mine. He was resting on his elbows, his face about 3 inches from mine his blue eyes twinkling in a kind of sexy way. I said - quietly - Hey Mac, what do you think you're doing? then I kind of giggled I was so happy, then he faded away. Quiet tears rolled down the sides of my face into my hair..when the yoga teacher surprised me by wiping the tears, she massaged my face and head, then she got up told everyone to open their eyes turn over and sit up.
Have not had this lovely experience since anywhere..but the memory is there, and I love the memory..so g'nite happy dreams.
Friday 3 April 2015
Friday, April 3, 2015 Easter Memories...
Well continuing on with Macsmemories is kind of a challenge. Many stories are still there so here I am still telling them. Yesterday preparing for this Easter and Birthday Celebrations in the family, was, believe it or not a kind of a fun occasion. For Maureen has started a kind of theme for our special day. The theme - "What did our dad love to eat", when we go to her home and bring our food conributions, which is our usual way..to remember Dad with the food he loved, and though she did not specify, hopefully something that had a story .
Yesterday, On our - (daughter Valerie, Grand daughter Brianna, great grand daughter Finley and g.g.son Lachlan)pilgrimage to buy the items we needed for our contributions to Mac's food memory. Valerie reminded me of the reason for her son Brandon's food offering. It will be smoked meat. Yes, for sure, Mac loved his smoked meat. Brandon's story is a real fun one. It so happened that when Brandon was a kid in high school he got suspended for the day...(who remembers why) his mom was at work, so she called to see if he could stay with us till she returned home and saw to a proper understanding by him of his transgressions.
This, we, that is, Mac and I thought, was a problem, but certainly not ours. Brandon came home to his grandparents, who were planning to spend the day downtown, first going to Schwartz's for smoked meat, then up to Mount Royal. So for Brandon, this lovely time was just great. He couldn't have been suspended on a better day. What fun the three of us had on St. Lawrence, having cokes and smoked meat at our favourite Deli, and then buying cheeses at the cheese shop down the street, getting our baked goods at the bakery, checking out second hand books at the book store, and then up for a great walk on Mount Royal. What a great way to realize that there is more in life than school..though I'm sure that was not our intention.
I'm not sure as I can't remember the date all this happened - can't even remember just how old Brandon was, probably around fourteen. I do remember though, that kind of day was reserved for our marriage anniversary. Every year I'd say in the last 20 of our 63 years together, that was what we did on June 14. This would be in memory of our teen-age years.. when Mac and I dated. Buying smoked meat at Schwartz's, sometimes at Chenoy Boys in Snowden, and even at the beginning of our so called courtship, at Ben's on Park Avenue. This was one of our things to do on a date. What fun it wast when we went to Schartz's, to shove ourselves into line and sit in a seat at the command of the cheeky and sarcastic waiters. We'd sit with others, no special seat - one was lucky to get one, and consume lovely fatty smoked meat and a coke - heaven for the tummy then, hell for the tummy now.
So in memory of that tradition, I'm looking forward to our family dinner the food and stories will contribute to many mores memories, Thanks to Brandon, this is just one. Hopefully I will be able to bring some more in future blogs.
So also, thanks to Brandon for a memory that lingers with love...bye for now.
Yesterday, On our - (daughter Valerie, Grand daughter Brianna, great grand daughter Finley and g.g.son Lachlan)pilgrimage to buy the items we needed for our contributions to Mac's food memory. Valerie reminded me of the reason for her son Brandon's food offering. It will be smoked meat. Yes, for sure, Mac loved his smoked meat. Brandon's story is a real fun one. It so happened that when Brandon was a kid in high school he got suspended for the day...(who remembers why) his mom was at work, so she called to see if he could stay with us till she returned home and saw to a proper understanding by him of his transgressions.
This, we, that is, Mac and I thought, was a problem, but certainly not ours. Brandon came home to his grandparents, who were planning to spend the day downtown, first going to Schwartz's for smoked meat, then up to Mount Royal. So for Brandon, this lovely time was just great. He couldn't have been suspended on a better day. What fun the three of us had on St. Lawrence, having cokes and smoked meat at our favourite Deli, and then buying cheeses at the cheese shop down the street, getting our baked goods at the bakery, checking out second hand books at the book store, and then up for a great walk on Mount Royal. What a great way to realize that there is more in life than school..though I'm sure that was not our intention.
I'm not sure as I can't remember the date all this happened - can't even remember just how old Brandon was, probably around fourteen. I do remember though, that kind of day was reserved for our marriage anniversary. Every year I'd say in the last 20 of our 63 years together, that was what we did on June 14. This would be in memory of our teen-age years.. when Mac and I dated. Buying smoked meat at Schwartz's, sometimes at Chenoy Boys in Snowden, and even at the beginning of our so called courtship, at Ben's on Park Avenue. This was one of our things to do on a date. What fun it wast when we went to Schartz's, to shove ourselves into line and sit in a seat at the command of the cheeky and sarcastic waiters. We'd sit with others, no special seat - one was lucky to get one, and consume lovely fatty smoked meat and a coke - heaven for the tummy then, hell for the tummy now.
So in memory of that tradition, I'm looking forward to our family dinner the food and stories will contribute to many mores memories, Thanks to Brandon, this is just one. Hopefully I will be able to bring some more in future blogs.
So also, thanks to Brandon for a memory that lingers with love...bye for now.
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