As we get closer and closer to the finish line ...in other words as we age. it's kind of a time to take stock. Mac beat me to the finish line, so I am no longer with him. I am alone, but that doesn't mean that I am totally alone, I have my family, my friends, and so therefore, I should make the most of the last few lengths of this race. So what am I doing to make this time meaningful for myself and others...hmm.?.That is what I'm trying to think about .
During my life, family came first..i.e. my parents and my sister, when I was younger, later, my husband Mac, and of course our five children..While they were growing up, Mac and I made sure we took care of them, and had fun vacations, spent some time on our own, made sure we got ourselves educated to do this ..and then outside of this we did social activism.
During the Viet Nam War, we worked to help the conscientious objectors from the U.S. Also during that time, I belonged to a group, known as the Voice of Women. One of the many objectives we had was one I was proud to be a part of, that was getting baby teeth ...we would go to homes where young children were living, ask for the baby teeth that they were losing, and then sending them to be checked out for strontium 90, which is radioactive isotope produced by nuclear fission. Although we did get some doors slammed in our face...The findings were such that we were able to stop the testing of the H. bomb in the west. Of course we were also part of the ban the bomb movement. This led protests against war, and we were always proud to march for human rights.
Actually I could go on to mention all the activities both Mac and I were part of Amnesty International, i.e. being there for the Native people during the 91' crisis, and being there for them after as well. We belonged to various groups from the 70's to now that helped to make social changes in the city and the country . We were and I am still part of the Grandmother to Grandmother Campaign, through the Stephen Lewis Foundation helping the grandmothers in Africa. This and being part of a Church group who help here in Canada as well as abroad.
I'm proud to see the NDP making it's headway in Canada, and let's hope they keep up the political will to be a source for helping the downtrodden and not become a part of the politicians who are only there to take. Our NDP representative here in Lachine is excellent. She not only meets and greets but follows through on her commitments.
Now as I'm slowing down as so many of us are that went through those years of working for human rights, I'm kind of taking it upon myself to be a visitor. What does that mean. Well without really doing it as a part of any group movement. I've been visiting the elderly right here in our building, the ones on the 2nd floor where Mac used to be. I've been visiting my friend's husband, as she is now laid up in hospital, broken wrist and hip, and while there checking out the other patients that were there when Mac was there. I have several friends who are as old if not older than myself who need help or visits and this is not a chore as I would visit them anyway. BUT. all this to say, it seems strange but apparently there is a method and a means of being a visitor. Just found that out, as the priest from the Anglican church that I've been attending ...just called to ask me to go to a special day for pastoral care people..apparently they had classes to teach techniques and ideas to help be a visitor..So we are having a retreat day...How nice...I think this is meant to be.
So in honour of my dearest Mac, I'm carrying on with helping the people who have the big A. as well as a few others here in our building...and a few more friends who cannot get around so easily now
I have a new/old Mission, I am a VISITOR.
Saturday 30 May 2015
Thursday 21 May 2015
Thursday, May 21, 2015 I can't believe you're gone....
I am walking the path along the lake, it's not as much fun, the sunlight on the lake doesn't seem to shine the same way. The benches are still there and when I sit on them, well, it's so what?? I can't be bothered buying a milkshake, they don't taste so good now..I don't bring special cheese and crackers, in fact I don't even think of it. The only good thing is I tell myself - walking is good for everyone, and since I don't walk as far I sort of lag around, I'm gaining weight which I don't need. So I will definitely keep walking and figure out just what's making me gain weight.
I'm still getting emails and condolence cards from people who have just heard about Mac, and one in particular was really sad as it was from an old friend and neighbor - and her news was also bad, she let me know her lovely daughter had died at age 54, and how devastated her family is not to mention how sad she is...so I'm thinking how I just have to keep in mind that death is part of life and I've been so fortunate to have had Mac for all these years.
I do intend to go up north as many days as I can, I had intended to look into selling the cottages , but now I’m free, and though I hate it, it is one plus about the fact that Mac is no longer here,…..
just saying that causes me to tear up..it’s awful, my whole body was always perfect or didn’t bother me too much, when he was here, but now I have so many little health complaints, and never ever feel at peace.
My friend reminded me several times of an argument Mac and I had that she overheard when she and husband were about to come in visiting us. I replied, well that would be par for the course, we would argue even if you both were IN the house, that’s how comfortable we were, arguments or discussions were never a serious thing, we never kept our negative feelings blocked up.
By the same token our loving feelings were always there and as our friend Barry was telling me, he never knew another man who looked at his wife coming to meet him with such love in his eyes..I thought that was a beautiful memory, he said he would talk with Mac at Mackay School, when Mac would come to pick me up; they would be deep in conversation, but when I clicked along in my high heels, all conversation stopped and Mac would just wait with that look. Two min later we could be yelling, “hey, why didn’t you do… whatever”…but that was us.. He wanted to say that at the funeral, but just too many people..I know though many knew that in any case.
Everyone says, remember the lovely times, actually I prefer the crazy yelling times, as I can laugh about it, when I think of the so many marvelous nights and days, well there I go again, can’t even swallow.
As the song says," I can't believe your gone Memories linger on"
So it goes, and there are so many reasons for me to be UP. and I am going to dwell on those, the sun will shine in the proper way, the benches will still be a good place to rest, people will smile as long as I start to smile. So I I'll try to think of all the crazy things we did that will make me laugh...like how many times we would go separate ways intending to meet later at a particular place at a particular time...and miss each other, each blaming the other for not being there...that has not only happened here in our town, but on vacations - in the U.S. Europe, and the UK...so I'll go to bed and remember those great trips and laugh at those two ninnies, and maybe I'll even hear him laugh too.
I'm still getting emails and condolence cards from people who have just heard about Mac, and one in particular was really sad as it was from an old friend and neighbor - and her news was also bad, she let me know her lovely daughter had died at age 54, and how devastated her family is not to mention how sad she is...so I'm thinking how I just have to keep in mind that death is part of life and I've been so fortunate to have had Mac for all these years.
I do intend to go up north as many days as I can, I had intended to look into selling the cottages , but now I’m free, and though I hate it, it is one plus about the fact that Mac is no longer here,…..
just saying that causes me to tear up..it’s awful, my whole body was always perfect or didn’t bother me too much, when he was here, but now I have so many little health complaints, and never ever feel at peace.
My friend reminded me several times of an argument Mac and I had that she overheard when she and husband were about to come in visiting us. I replied, well that would be par for the course, we would argue even if you both were IN the house, that’s how comfortable we were, arguments or discussions were never a serious thing, we never kept our negative feelings blocked up.
By the same token our loving feelings were always there and as our friend Barry was telling me, he never knew another man who looked at his wife coming to meet him with such love in his eyes..I thought that was a beautiful memory, he said he would talk with Mac at Mackay School, when Mac would come to pick me up; they would be deep in conversation, but when I clicked along in my high heels, all conversation stopped and Mac would just wait with that look. Two min later we could be yelling, “hey, why didn’t you do… whatever”…but that was us.. He wanted to say that at the funeral, but just too many people..I know though many knew that in any case.
Everyone says, remember the lovely times, actually I prefer the crazy yelling times, as I can laugh about it, when I think of the so many marvelous nights and days, well there I go again, can’t even swallow.
As the song says," I can't believe your gone Memories linger on"
So it goes, and there are so many reasons for me to be UP. and I am going to dwell on those, the sun will shine in the proper way, the benches will still be a good place to rest, people will smile as long as I start to smile. So I I'll try to think of all the crazy things we did that will make me laugh...like how many times we would go separate ways intending to meet later at a particular place at a particular time...and miss each other, each blaming the other for not being there...that has not only happened here in our town, but on vacations - in the U.S. Europe, and the UK...so I'll go to bed and remember those great trips and laugh at those two ninnies, and maybe I'll even hear him laugh too.
Sunday 17 May 2015
Sunday, May 17, 2015 Watch for the markers....
Getting on with my life is happening, I actually went on a short trip to Ottawa, stayed with friends and enjoyed their company and support. So for those who are going through a grieving time, I suggest if there is a way for you to take a break away from the usual daily life do take the break. For the first time since Mac died, when I woke up during the night - I have been able to fall back to sleep, without any tears. I have rarely slept all through a night in any case, but during this sad time each time I have woken up, I can't bear how lonely and sad I feel, it's almost like being very ill, and it has been impossible to fall back to sleep as tears and sadness have taken over. But, as I mentioned I did wake as usual, but managed to face the sad facts and then go back to sleep. So, thought this would not happen at home, but I was able to do the same thing at home, by saying to myself, hello Mac I'm back here again, and I'm okay.
Naturally I know that this is an up and down time for me and my family, I'm sure we all are coping in various ways.
On the train ride home, a little voice came to me, saying Watch for the markers....Never, even when Mac was alive did I think to look for the markers that showed the mileage for the train crews...This was Mac letting me know he is still there. This was his favourite mantra on our many train trips, and in some cases he would actually mark down the places and times he spotted the markers...well sad to say, I looked out for them, and just as in the days we were travelling together, I could never see them without his pointing them out..Did I see a marker, well NO...but the thought that they were there and if I really looked I would see one...made me happy. But a little quiet voice said, you could check the old stations.
The stations - Casselman, Alexandria, and of course Dorval where I got off the train stations were there and somehow I could hear Mac saying...did you keep all the pictures I took of train stations, they are changing the architecture for train stations the old concept for stations are fast fading away, I've been keeping a record. Did you keep the pictures.
Yikes, no I haven't even looked at the old pictures and I"ve thrown out so many..I'm feeling how awful I didn't see the markers, and it was only when I returned to Dorval and really looked at Dorval Station,did I see it's modern, not like the train stations we knew..Mac was so right, maybe I can look in google and get some pictures of old stations and - hmm what will I do with them..who knows..got to think about that.
Sorry Mac, but I'm going to look out for stations and markers in my life, g'bye
Naturally I know that this is an up and down time for me and my family, I'm sure we all are coping in various ways.
On the train ride home, a little voice came to me, saying Watch for the markers....Never, even when Mac was alive did I think to look for the markers that showed the mileage for the train crews...This was Mac letting me know he is still there. This was his favourite mantra on our many train trips, and in some cases he would actually mark down the places and times he spotted the markers...well sad to say, I looked out for them, and just as in the days we were travelling together, I could never see them without his pointing them out..Did I see a marker, well NO...but the thought that they were there and if I really looked I would see one...made me happy. But a little quiet voice said, you could check the old stations.
The stations - Casselman, Alexandria, and of course Dorval where I got off the train stations were there and somehow I could hear Mac saying...did you keep all the pictures I took of train stations, they are changing the architecture for train stations the old concept for stations are fast fading away, I've been keeping a record. Did you keep the pictures.
Yikes, no I haven't even looked at the old pictures and I"ve thrown out so many..I'm feeling how awful I didn't see the markers, and it was only when I returned to Dorval and really looked at Dorval Station,did I see it's modern, not like the train stations we knew..Mac was so right, maybe I can look in google and get some pictures of old stations and - hmm what will I do with them..who knows..got to think about that.
Sorry Mac, but I'm going to look out for stations and markers in my life, g'bye
Saturday 9 May 2015
Saturday, May 9, 2015 With A song in my heart...
Walking is still the main focus of my life as it was when Mac was here with me. Now though, I stop and visit with friends as well, a couple of days ago chatting with a friend over tea, she remarked that Mac was never violent like some who have he big A. This being said to me right the day after I found my beautiful little journal all hand made - well in that journal was written
Jan 14,1913 I'm very nervous, Mac was very violent tonight for about 10 minutes, it was so very scary - swearing and saying he would break someone's body and lunging at me. He was up to get something in the bathroom I went to help when this happened, I quickly turned out the lights. He screamed turn on the light, I need to see. I said you will see what you will see in the morning. Now try to come to the bed, he kept screaming turn on the g.d. light..I'ts o.k. it's time to sleep I said,over and over, and finally, In the dark , I helped him to bed.
Now I'm in the t.v. room and I can't sleep, my tummy is upset, and I'm suffering extreme anxiety. Something has to be done"
Well as we know from past writings, something was done, I had been going through times like the above, plus lovely times, because as I said to my friend, people with the big A. are not violent 24 hours a day. Also, it's often because of frustration, or dreams, or general anxiety about their situation.
We were lucky that we were together, had a great family, and loved each other and that we had help in understanding the disease. Though Mac didn't really know who I was all the time, he knew the voice, or the feel and most of all I KNEW HIM. When I read that journal entry..I felt sad, but would I ever love to have it again well maybe not that episode, but have him.
Just finished reading All the Light We Cannot See. These lines that the author Anthony Doerr wrote at the end of the book are so helpful.
"Is it so hard to believe that souls might also travel those paths? might harry the sky in flocks, like egrets, like terns, like starlings. That great shuttles of souls might fly about, faded but audible if you listen closely enough? They flow above the chimneys, ride the sidewalks, slip through your jacket and shirt and breastbone and lungs and pass through the other side, the air at a library and the record of every life lived, every sentence spoken, every word transmitted still reverberating within it.
Then he continues on with " We rise again in the grass, In the flowers. In songs."
For Mac and I we surely feel it in the songs..the ones we sang, the ones we danced to, the ones we sang to our children and their children, so as I go about still alive with him gone, I try to keep the songs in my heart along with the memories
So "with a song in my heart...I can still see your wonderful face"...and so I'll go on now and walk to the lake. bye .
Jan 14,1913 I'm very nervous, Mac was very violent tonight for about 10 minutes, it was so very scary - swearing and saying he would break someone's body and lunging at me. He was up to get something in the bathroom I went to help when this happened, I quickly turned out the lights. He screamed turn on the light, I need to see. I said you will see what you will see in the morning. Now try to come to the bed, he kept screaming turn on the g.d. light..I'ts o.k. it's time to sleep I said,over and over, and finally, In the dark , I helped him to bed.
Now I'm in the t.v. room and I can't sleep, my tummy is upset, and I'm suffering extreme anxiety. Something has to be done"
Well as we know from past writings, something was done, I had been going through times like the above, plus lovely times, because as I said to my friend, people with the big A. are not violent 24 hours a day. Also, it's often because of frustration, or dreams, or general anxiety about their situation.
We were lucky that we were together, had a great family, and loved each other and that we had help in understanding the disease. Though Mac didn't really know who I was all the time, he knew the voice, or the feel and most of all I KNEW HIM. When I read that journal entry..I felt sad, but would I ever love to have it again well maybe not that episode, but have him.
Just finished reading All the Light We Cannot See. These lines that the author Anthony Doerr wrote at the end of the book are so helpful.
"Is it so hard to believe that souls might also travel those paths? might harry the sky in flocks, like egrets, like terns, like starlings. That great shuttles of souls might fly about, faded but audible if you listen closely enough? They flow above the chimneys, ride the sidewalks, slip through your jacket and shirt and breastbone and lungs and pass through the other side, the air at a library and the record of every life lived, every sentence spoken, every word transmitted still reverberating within it.
Then he continues on with " We rise again in the grass, In the flowers. In songs."
For Mac and I we surely feel it in the songs..the ones we sang, the ones we danced to, the ones we sang to our children and their children, so as I go about still alive with him gone, I try to keep the songs in my heart along with the memories
So "with a song in my heart...I can still see your wonderful face"...and so I'll go on now and walk to the lake. bye .
Monday 4 May 2015
Monday, May 4, 2015...May the force be with you......
I'm a worn out Kleenex, lying in bed with a cold that on a scale of 1 - 10 is a 10...itchy excema ...sore eyes ..sore knee.. For the past years my health has been on the back burner, I was fine and never even thought about it..but well life has caught up with me. So feeling old and grumpy, turned on the radio and there it was...The theme from Star Wars..I perked right up, what a great memory.
That movie was the catalyst for my claas of "special ed students" I guess the year would have been around 1978 I was teaching in an inner -city school, the kids were emotionally disturbed and at times considered to be violent. Their recess time had to be after the so called norm classes, they swore like troopers, reading and writing was for the birds, and for sure certainly not for them.
What was it that first sparked us - i.e. our class I can't remember, but the six kids and myself were entranced with that movie.
I was able to get excerpts from the library and by using that as a carrot, almost all day, the work got done, math, a bit of Star Wars, Reading, a bit of Star wars...(we added up how many times Luke Starwalker said the famous line) We read star wars lines, we wore the costumes..acted out the parts..and best of all, actually went to the movie.
.We, that is, Mac and I somehow circumvented the rule school children cannot go on a field trips in private vehicles...
Never will we forget that famous music, the stirring scenes and most of all the fun and the learning, STAR WARS made our class become readers, writers and most of all socially acceptable.
I wouldn't say this euphoria lasted all year but it was such that I even wore the Darth Vader Costume and pulled an April Fool joke on the kids ... when our aide was there, I sneaked out put the costume on and knocked on our class door. I'll never forget the faces on those students when I walked in flourishing my lit up sword my face covered with a Darth Vader Mask.saying May the Force be with you...but my high heel shoes gave me away.. How we laughed.
Thanks to Mac, who went along with this, helped me arrange the costume the night before, planned our trip to the movies, and was there for the class in so many ways. The kids came to know him through taking them to our house both in Chateauguay and up North for field trips..but the best way of getting the lessons learned was for sure through the wonderful...Star Wars, what a great memory, so May the force be With YOU....bye now.
That movie was the catalyst for my claas of "special ed students" I guess the year would have been around 1978 I was teaching in an inner -city school, the kids were emotionally disturbed and at times considered to be violent. Their recess time had to be after the so called norm classes, they swore like troopers, reading and writing was for the birds, and for sure certainly not for them.
What was it that first sparked us - i.e. our class I can't remember, but the six kids and myself were entranced with that movie.
I was able to get excerpts from the library and by using that as a carrot, almost all day, the work got done, math, a bit of Star Wars, Reading, a bit of Star wars...(we added up how many times Luke Starwalker said the famous line) We read star wars lines, we wore the costumes..acted out the parts..and best of all, actually went to the movie.
.We, that is, Mac and I somehow circumvented the rule school children cannot go on a field trips in private vehicles...
Never will we forget that famous music, the stirring scenes and most of all the fun and the learning, STAR WARS made our class become readers, writers and most of all socially acceptable.
I wouldn't say this euphoria lasted all year but it was such that I even wore the Darth Vader Costume and pulled an April Fool joke on the kids ... when our aide was there, I sneaked out put the costume on and knocked on our class door. I'll never forget the faces on those students when I walked in flourishing my lit up sword my face covered with a Darth Vader Mask.saying May the Force be with you...but my high heel shoes gave me away.. How we laughed.
Thanks to Mac, who went along with this, helped me arrange the costume the night before, planned our trip to the movies, and was there for the class in so many ways. The kids came to know him through taking them to our house both in Chateauguay and up North for field trips..but the best way of getting the lessons learned was for sure through the wonderful...Star Wars, what a great memory, so May the force be With YOU....bye now.
Friday 1 May 2015
Friday, May 1, 2015.. and so it goes...
Kurt Vonnegut one of my favourite authors used to use that line so often in his books and that's how I feel, so it goes, and it does go these days, so fast I can't remember what I've done yesterday or even earlier this morning, I read, go out, do stuff constantly, and I can't believe how the weeks go so quickly, in fact I am either checking out next week's appointments and thinking I'm seeing whoever this week, or getting mixed up with last week. It's rather pathetic.
Have received so many many wonderful expressions of sympathy, also cards from the Alzheimer's Assoc. to let me know that so many of you have given generous contributions to the Alzheimer's for Research in memory of Mac. Wonderful, and I'm sure that somehow somewhere there will be a cure. BUT as my cousin said to me last week, o.k. let's find a cure, but also let's find out what causes the tangles in the brain in the first place. RIGHT..I know there are some who would say it's our environment - the pollution etc.I could definitely agree with that. Anyway, before I forget - THANKS SO MUCH TO ALL WHO HAVE DONATED, AND OF COURSE FOR ALL THE SYMPATHY AND SUPPORT.
I'm still connected to my support group through the Assoc. and they are wonderful, within this group of seven, we now have a third death of a loved one with Alzheimers..so I will be attending a funeral tomorrow. I could and should look through all the inspiring material that I have received to pass on to this member as he mourns his wife's death. All of which really touched my heart, so it's difficult to choose.
Every day is a gift and as I go through the days without him, I see him everywhere, especially at the lake these days, as I walk and remember just how everything he saw was commented on by him at some point. Strangely I am meeting people who though they never knew Mac, start a conversation with me and then next thing I know we're talking together and walking, I kind of feel he doesn't want me to be lonely..and these people seem to fill the void..I wonder.
In fact yesterday I even had tea with one of these people, she is my age and just so much fun, and while we were laughing - we were joined by an older guy, who bought us both wine and told us all about himself with so many funny remarks that we all found so hilarious..that later I thought, wow how did that happen..I'm actually laughing so hard - but then, later when I'm alone, I seem to go through a deep crying spell. I am on a kind of mood swing where everything is either so so funny, or so so depressing.
One thing it is never boring. So I'll continue on with my memories, one of which I thought of today as I received an email with an attachment - an mp3, of Mac and I - a tape of our Christmas letter to our friends in Australia. Imagine, Owen, had kept it and sent it back now, so many years later and there was Mac talking. I could only listen for one minute before becoming a basket case, but after it made me smile as I thought of how we would tell the same story, and interrupt each other. I would say "ok Mac this is MY story, you tell your own story..but somehow he always thought he could tell my story his way - in other words, much better than I could.
I so wish he could interrupt me right now..but his story is on-going with all our children and grandchildren..I know..and so it goes...bye now
Have received so many many wonderful expressions of sympathy, also cards from the Alzheimer's Assoc. to let me know that so many of you have given generous contributions to the Alzheimer's for Research in memory of Mac. Wonderful, and I'm sure that somehow somewhere there will be a cure. BUT as my cousin said to me last week, o.k. let's find a cure, but also let's find out what causes the tangles in the brain in the first place. RIGHT..I know there are some who would say it's our environment - the pollution etc.I could definitely agree with that. Anyway, before I forget - THANKS SO MUCH TO ALL WHO HAVE DONATED, AND OF COURSE FOR ALL THE SYMPATHY AND SUPPORT.
I'm still connected to my support group through the Assoc. and they are wonderful, within this group of seven, we now have a third death of a loved one with Alzheimers..so I will be attending a funeral tomorrow. I could and should look through all the inspiring material that I have received to pass on to this member as he mourns his wife's death. All of which really touched my heart, so it's difficult to choose.
Every day is a gift and as I go through the days without him, I see him everywhere, especially at the lake these days, as I walk and remember just how everything he saw was commented on by him at some point. Strangely I am meeting people who though they never knew Mac, start a conversation with me and then next thing I know we're talking together and walking, I kind of feel he doesn't want me to be lonely..and these people seem to fill the void..I wonder.
In fact yesterday I even had tea with one of these people, she is my age and just so much fun, and while we were laughing - we were joined by an older guy, who bought us both wine and told us all about himself with so many funny remarks that we all found so hilarious..that later I thought, wow how did that happen..I'm actually laughing so hard - but then, later when I'm alone, I seem to go through a deep crying spell. I am on a kind of mood swing where everything is either so so funny, or so so depressing.
One thing it is never boring. So I'll continue on with my memories, one of which I thought of today as I received an email with an attachment - an mp3, of Mac and I - a tape of our Christmas letter to our friends in Australia. Imagine, Owen, had kept it and sent it back now, so many years later and there was Mac talking. I could only listen for one minute before becoming a basket case, but after it made me smile as I thought of how we would tell the same story, and interrupt each other. I would say "ok Mac this is MY story, you tell your own story..but somehow he always thought he could tell my story his way - in other words, much better than I could.
I so wish he could interrupt me right now..but his story is on-going with all our children and grandchildren..I know..and so it goes...bye now
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