Saturday 27, September 2014 no no NO NO NO

This morning at 8;00 a.m. went down to the 2nd floor to see if Mac could get dressed and come up for his coffee. He has never been easy to get up and although he was pleasant in bed saying, "ok will get up but not now." Later 9:30 we tried, I'm worn out from helping them get him dressed; as he kicked wouldn't take his meds - we forced his clothes on as he screamed no no no...now I just decided o.k. this is it, they are supposed to be the ones to help, I'm exhausted, so I have come up here. The up and down of this disease, is for him, and for me; at this time... awful.. Everyone else on that floor is sitting peacefully, after their breakfast...he is raving raging mad and like a mad bull - it took three people and much cajoling, but now he is dressed, but he would not come with me...so I've left the scene.

This is what a friend just wrote in her email this a.m.

This transition time will ease, I’m sure, as a pattern sets in.
good, in a way, that you had already made the major move you did so that
you have the help you need.

Well in answer to this...I'm going to leave this blog, as the transition time is too sad, the up and down of it is playing havoc with my mind and my body, it's 10:15,a,m. I'm exhausted ...hopefully will be able to return to it when life is in a better place...that is in a better place for a few days at a time. Yesterday was the pits till 4;00 - by evening he was fine...so that's the way it goes, hopefully that is the way it will go today
I'll be back - in a few days.. maybe

Thursday, September 25, 2014...no lunch thanks

A friend of mine sent my latest blog re Mac's stay in hospital etc to another friend, so she emailed me right away to say now she is up to date, so the folloing is what I wrote to her

So now you know the story so that's good...I'm sure you can continue to follow the ups and downs of mac's memory now on the blog...It's kind of a way to keep my mind on just what's happening as well as letting family and friends be aware as well. I'll send you the url... Now I need to know how you are doing in your new digs...I have been in the Belvedere building, visited a woman from Teapot, she is lovely lady - June - on 4th floor ...so I can picture your surroundings and apartment, she has a 2 bedroom. She is a volunteer worker at the Karolyns Kloset Mondays at the Teapot.
Hope you are able to get to the lake today, it's glorious out there, and depending on mac's walking ability ..which doesn't look too good, we will try to get out in our little back garden or the park right in back of us. he spent yesterday in bed - would not eat or drink anything all day, so as you know if you read my blog, this is a real switch from the day before...

Today he is here in my apartment with much talk of feeling shaky, not with it, etc..but he did have breakfast and is sitting in his chair listening to cbc music - eyes closed - head nodding to the rhythm of Glen Gould's version of ..Brahm's E minor concerto -with a disclaimer by Bernstein conductor. Hope you are enjoying it too. Mac's love of all music, but particularly classic and jazz are a saving grace in his sometimes sad/happy journey for the past 7 years

The current situation is he will,( if he is able) - spend the days here in our apartment - the nights in a room on the 2nd floor...giving me the opportunity for a good night's sleep, well that is working fairly well,..that is, if he settles down o.k. but as we know it's one day at a time. If he is not able to be in our apartment,eithe because he will not get up - like yesterday, or he is ill then he will stay on the second floor where he has care and I can be free to be with him or not -;as there are nurses and preposees on that floor able to check him; , but, I still have my persons to stay with him when I go out for any length of time...as I want him to have individual attention. Thankfully both ladies, Debbie and Cecilia, love him and are there for both of us. - new computer - has been a problem, the guy is supposed to come next Friday - have to go on webnet, so please let me know if you receive this asap....thanks

Well we are going to try to go out for a tiny walk in the park-mac has refused lunch, coffee,chocolate -and I'm making up for his abstinence by eating everything he refuses...damn. bye now

Tuesday, September 23, 2014 And how are you???

Well we are home, arrived here by ambulance yesterday..4:00 p.m. Mac slept all day Sunday, and all Monday till we arrived home..he only ate a couple of bites of a banana both days and that's it..So it was with trepidation that I approached his room on the second floor;but he was so tired he just drifted off to sleep in the room there which he shares with a very quiet old man. So this morning I was prepared to see him still lying in he bed, though the head nurse told me he would have breakfast around 8:00-8:30..Surprise there was Mac, sitting at the side of his bed, he had walked, by himself out of the room, the preposee had apparently just brought him back. So she dressed him for the day (with some non-cooperation from Mac)..but then he was fine, I was shocked, he was walking and smiling, and quite happy. I brought his breakfast up to our apartment - he was not keen on the bowl of porridge, no brown sugar or cream, orange juice and toast..so I gave him his usual brekkie mix of bran and bran flakes, strawberries, bananas yogurt and cream...ate it all quite happily.

Later he had a good lunch here in our apartment, also supplied by the 2nd floor kitchen; after when speaking to Maureen on the phone...he answered all questions clearly, and then surprised her by asking that question, "and how are you???plus when he coughed, said "excuse me"...the rest of the day, continued in this positive way..even to the extent that I could leave him on the 2nd floor with the other residents there, said goodbye, and went to get a few groceries...rushed back and all was fine...wow this is looking good. By the way the 2nd floor is a lockdown floor so he cannot leave plus there are preposees checking the residents who all seem to sit in a large circle around in the activity area either watching t.v. or just sitting in their wheelchairs or regular big chairs. Mac seemed quite at home..

Tonight no problem he seems to accept that room downstairs is his bedroom, I stayed till he had his pills, then left saying - "see you in the morning", and heard him say "okay" so that's it...okay..hurrah I'm not expecting this to be the way it is every day, but I'm enjoying this to the hilt...now to watch t.v. wow something I never could do - hmmm what's on, must go and see, g'nite.

Sunday, September 21,2014 hmm go there....??

So along with much cursing, Mac was pointing with his index finger to different parts of he room, he was, (I think) trying to figure a way out of the hospital...not a happy camper today. Last night he was quite content, sitting in a wheel chair, listening to jazz, letting me dance with him, (I dance he sits and holds my hand)..but none of that today...From the word go this a.m. when they tried to get him up and changed etc. he was turning the atmosphere blue with his rage, till finally he was settled in a chair. He is so vulnerable, and it's so sad to see, he thinks each time they move him, he may fall, he has no concept of what's going on and it takes a special person to work with him - yesterday's personnel were terrific, can't say he same for the nurses and preposees today, except for one.

But the good news is he is off all special meds, no more IVs..he is still coughing but it seems to be just the effects of the horrible episode with his false teeth, and the operation itself...The trauma of all that has really affected him, he is walking with help on both sides, and except for great swearing ability, his verbal skills are not good has problems letting us know what he needs or wants. Today he satin I chair all day refused both breakfast and lunch, I managed to share a banana with him, then by 4;00 he was chewing on his hospital gown, so gave him some of my tortilla till his dinner came at 4;30 then all he would eat was the pureed meat...

Tomorrow he will probably be able to come back home, if all goes well ...I'm hoping to have him placed in the infirmary on main floor, but the girl at the desk downstairs says no, he'll be on 2nd floor, well that's not where I planned, but we'll see...my idea is to have him there for nights and I will do my best to look after him in our apartment in the day...all this will cost of course, but that goes with the territory of aging and health problems.

Like to end on a positive note,looking out the hospital window with Mac we enjoyed a spectacular sundown; here's hoping it's an omen for better days ahead...g'nite

Friday, September 19, 2014 godammit...

That was the clearest message we've had from Mac for about three days...Monday delirious most of the day, Tuesday and Wednesday horrible days - especially Wednesday, where he was so out of it in pain around his throat and coughing constantly spitting and unable to speak incoherent and upset..although the scan showed he did not have pneumonia it was clear there definitely was something wrong going on...the doctor was saying possibly the pneumonia was there but not showing, also possible abcess.. whatever; he could not take food, so no meals was posted on his bed...by yesterday morning I was beside myself, as I watched him turning and tossing in pain, with spasms shaking his body every two minutes ...I even said to the nurse for heaven sakes take him off all the IV's let him go I can't stand seeing this we wouldn't let an animal go through so much pain. He was so bad that when Maureen called she said just that, he sounds like some sort of animal growling and in pain. Trying to get him to spit up the phelem was impossible, he would swallow it...the inhalation specialist came to try to drain some of the fluid from his
throat she managed to get over a cup of blood and spit...after she left I kept telling him to spit, the nurse gave me a spongie on a stick to clear his mouth and so I pressed the thing on his tongue (which by the way was black with dried blood) maybe a little hard and all of a sudden a huge mass of blood and phlem came out in the facecloth I was holding, shock and surprise - there was his top partial plate...We were all stunned, poor Mac had that damn thing in his throat for 3 nights and two days...within minutes his gyrations and anxiety were calmed - although he still had some pain in his throat...when the nurses came to clear up the mess on his bedclothes and turn him over. I was just so happy to hear him say a vey clear goddamit...although he still seemed unable to speak clearly but then it wasn't necessary, as he fell fast asleep with just a little groaning and snoring for the rest of the day...apparently that was the problem OF COURSE, O.R nurses should have removed the teeh, I should have been told not to keep them in his mouth as Monday the top ones did come out and Gaye had helped me put them back...All hindsight now is how sad and stupid it was...

So now I'm on my way to see how he is today..thanks for all the emails, my computer is still not allowing me to send answers..i can get on fb but many emails have been sent so I will get back to those who sent them, and keep on praying, it's not all over, but looking so much better....xxxxgbye

Wednesday, September 17, 2014 yah uh iyah uh na

Mac has to be asked questions that require a yes or no answer, i.e. are you okay? and the answer can be both yah and na...he wants so much to make his wants clear, but now it's impossible he cannot speak properly, by this evening he could not walk, his legs would just crumple...and cannot eat..has mucus in his throat, not sure about his lungs, but they did a scan and they seem o.k. His throat or each side of his neck seems to ache.

Tomorrow we will see what the doctor has to say, so far the order is "no food for the a.m. breakfast, " as when he swallows he is or seems in pain, so all this will have to be checked out, I will try to get there early tomorrow, before 8:30, as usually I'm there just before 9:00 the doc may come before who knows.. it's up and down, temp and blood pressure perfect, then at night not ...was taking antibiotic in an IV then by pill now back to an IV

The specialist for breathing came in and decided impossible to drain or even think of doing anything in his throat he would react and she could not be responsible for the damage that this would cause..changing him even moving him causes big problems..his spasms and jerky movements have increased.

The doctor who did the operation Dr. Woo, said on Monday - he will not go
back home till he is back at the base line with which he came to the hospital..well in that case he sure will not be coming home tomorrow I am wishing I could have the base line that I had before he went in last Thursday tomorrow will be one week..feels like an eternity I have not been able to get rid of the lump in my throat, and the pain in my heart...friends have been praying, and I thank them so have I, the same old prayer that I say to myself even when he was home and no, with every breath, help Mac, and help me. g'nite

Tuesday, September 16, 2014 Nooo don want....

Trying to give Mac his antibiotic pill mixed with yogurt, and that was the answer, noo nooo don want, but I kind of forced it as it's so important for him to have it...and since he hardly ate anything all day..he needs the antibiotic if he is to get well. Sadly I don't think he will be coming home tomorrow, he has been coughing up phleme constantly, and spitting it any old place, the floor, the bed the pillow...doesn't seem to get it, I kept saying, Mac, please spit in this towel, but to no avail...perhaps that's what happened to his false top 4 teeth, he must have coughed them oiut last night, and this morning when I arrived - there was Mac without his top teeth, and though I spent so much time on my hands and knees looking all over the floor, under he bed, I even put my hands in he waste baskets where dirty stuff, including nurses plastic gloves, ugh...but no teeth. And as far as the nurses, preposees and cleaning staff are concerned, it's like "hummm wonder what could have happened to them...and on they go with their jobs. I must admit they are really busy, and so what can they do.
In the meantime, the doctor was in earlier and I missed her, but she ordered xray session for his lungs, which I have not gotten any results as yet. The nurse on duty tonight said to me before I left...don't count on him returning home tomorrow, I think he has pneumonia, and now his blood pressure and temperature are both high...this a.m. they were perfect. So I'm signing off with eyes that can hardly see for tears g'nite

Saturday, September 13, 2014 Grrruuumm goaayaway....

That's Mac's yelling as well as screaming obscenities to the poor nurses and preposees as they prepped him for the operation today..but for me, it was poor Mac, he didn't really get it. Here he was nicely dreaming on a morphine wave and along came these aliens to harass him. Later, once he was sedated again, the operation was done and all went well. He came back to his room sleeping at about 5 p.m. and when I left tonight just before 9, he was still asleep, making little noises, snoring, and apparently has only 4 holes to show that he is missing his appendix.
'
Must look up the procedure - they were not sure if they could do this as he has had prostate cancer and the doc thought there may be too much scar tissue, but guess not, as the nurse showed me his 4 tapes on his tummy. The woman doc, was Doctor Woo, looks like she did a very neat job.

So just to let y'all know that my guy continued to be his grumpy self, but all the nurses were keen on his blue eyes, and so am I, so will let you know when he'll be back home, which may be soon...g'nite

Friday, September 12, 2014 No...don wannayoou gooo..

And therefore this is very short...Mac is in hospital, he had appendicitis - it's a long story, but he went in last night, and I'm just home to feed the cat, and have a sleep...before I get back to him early tomorrow a.m. I plan to see the doctor who will hopefully have made the decision either to have him on antibiotics and home, or he may have an operation.... I left Mac tonight who looked fsst asleep, with the help of morphine for his awful pains...so I said, bye Mac ...i'll be back in the morning, and he said NOOOO donwanayou go...
I didn't wanngo either, so plan to stay overnight tomorrow but have to set things up for the cat, the fish and do a few other things before I get back to Mac,so g'nite

It doesn't fit and that's the problem bugging Mac, his teeth didn't fit..so out came his bottom teeth, luckily I found them in his sheets, I wondered what he was talking about there.  Anyway, we decided to go to the denturologist to see what the problem was..well not sure if there really was a problem.  The denturologist seemed to think it was all in his mind, but did do some filing of his denture and said it's going to be o.k.  and thankfully, so far it is.  I'm not going to try to use paragraphs as this blog square or whatever is acting super silly, small fonts large fonts , plus starting in the middle.  But I want to put it in the record that Mac has been having denture problems, it's good to have it there so I"ll know when and how and what we did about stuff.  Can't believe today - a really good day, woke up almost on his own. happily...brushed teeth, and came with me to the Doctor's office - to find out what my lump is -I well it's a benign tumor, called a lipoma..a kind of fatty ball inside my right waist.  and it's not a problem, so that's good to know...Mac was fine at the office and fine all afternoon when my book group gabbed away about our latest book, enjoyed all the company and attention...so since I write about all the disruptions of which we've had a few since I last wrote, i.e. up and down behavior at night,  wanting to find his mom, his family etc..either I'm getting better at deflecting the problems that usually come up with this , or he is reacting better to my suggestions.  Sunday evening e had fun at the park with Finley, Brianna and Val, but as soon as it started to get dark, his eye or perception of where and how we were walking caused him to have anxiety problems, so must remember, no walking out after eight p.m. why give myself a problem...I was pleased with his reaction to all the people 7 women here today, who all spoke to him individually and his answers although at times a bit incoherent, were so happy.  When we went down with them as they left the building, his exuberance was such that he was shaking hands with the people in the lobby, smiling and altogether a wonderful happy camper, so to keep up this behavior, I'll go for a walk with him while it's still light and enjoy the happy non-crabby old man....g'nite.

I

Saturday, September 7, 2014 The poem found

Since Mac's bottom false teeth bridge is giving him a problem he is kind of in this bracket today...i.e.

CRABBY OLD MAN

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North Platte , Nebraska , it was believed that he had nothing left of any value
Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found this poem . Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital
One nurse took her copy to Missouri . The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health.. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.
And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.


Crabby Old Man

What do you see nurses? . . What do you see?
What are you thinking . . . . . when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man, . ... .. not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . .. . . . . . with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food . . .. . . . . and makes no reply .
When you say in a loud voice .. . . . .. 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . ... . the things that you do .
And forever is losing . . . . .. . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not . . . . . . .. . . lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . you're not looking at me .

I'll tell you who I am . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten ... . . . . . with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters . . . ... . . . . . who love one another.



A young boy of Sixteen . . with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . . .. .. . . a lover he'll meet..
A groom soon at Twenty . my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows . . . . .. . that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . . . . . . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . . . .. . . . .. My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . . . . . . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons .. . have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me . . . . . . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . my wife is now dead.
I look at the future ... . .. . . . . . . shudder with dread..
For my young are all rearing . . . . . .. young of their own.
And I think of the years . . .. and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man . . . . . .. .. . . and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. . . . . . . grace and vigor, depart..
There is now a stone . . . .. . . . where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . a young guy still dwells,
And now and again . . . .. . . . my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys . . . . . . . . .. I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . .. . . . . life over again.

I think of the years, all too few . . . . . gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . . . .. that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . . . . . . open and see.
Not a crabby old man. Look closer . . . see ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within . . . . we will all, one day, be there, too!

p.s. I am there ha. g'bye

Friday, September 06, 2014 Uhhh oh uh here uh there

That's the way Mac as speaking on and off today, he was walking poorly, talking poorly and altogether not the greatest day We visited a friend Muriel, now in another residence and although he was happy to just sit and be with us, it was heartbreaking to hear him try to talk - and even more upsetting to see him try to walk. Certainly not his day...it's so difficult to know if it's because he sat around most of yesterday...and the reason for that was he actually walked too much the day before. Must find a happy medium

My cousin sent me a wonderful poem about a Crabby Old man...which I wanted to post in this blog, but sadly it's gone into cyber space will get it again if I can, this was my reply to her email;

Lovely poem, will copy that poem and put in my blog...thanks Davilyn...although I was thinking in Mac’s case – he may be an old man but he gets so much attention – everywhere we go – it’s “where did you get those blue eyes”..sometimes he kind of boogies – waves and makes a kind of noise and uses his fingers like a gun to little kids , also to babies, and they love him. When I phone my little great grandaughter Finley, she hardly says boo to me, saying,” I want to speak to Granmac...he’s my best friend.” The people who work here really like him- lucky as he can be a crabby old man especially with the preposees – but during the day he becomes a different person; it’s strange, but they are used to it and know that every few minutes his mind has changed.

Yesterday I over- did our walk, in all the heat here, we stayed at the lake, walking and sitting from about 12:30 – to 6:00 , by the time we got back here he was so exhausted he could hardly walk. This morning the girl said I’m so glad you are o.k. he looked at her – said why I was always fine. Actually, he was so exhausted that I had thought of calling 9ll but figured that waiting for the police to come would be worse, so we struggled along till we got home. Last time I will do that, it just sort of overcame him suddenly – two hours on the lake in the sun is enough...even though we stop at :the teapot” for tea, then a restaurant for a little snack, it’s too much for him now...Last summer he did it easily..but the times they are a-changing.

Today I made up for it, and kept him quiet - had someone stay with him while I went shopping with a friend and got my book from the library – then we just walked around the little park, in back, now he is happily listening to jazz ; hopefully he will sleep well tonight, be a great guy in the a.m., but who knows, it’s a mystery what causes the yukky behaviour. The man next door is also like that; for the preposees it’s an even bigger problem, he is blind and tries to get away, yelling that he can see o.k. ... one minute he is the most loving man, singing leider and just so sweet – then next he’s raving and saying I’m getting my car out of the garage, get away”
I know, much stems from being frustrated, not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting others to have to dress or undress them, it must be so humiliating at times, especially shower days...I can almost feel Mac’s indignation but it has to be done.

Oh well think positive, and right now alls well with the world, so bye right now

So was he kept too quiet yesterday, should he have walked more - less? I'm always trying to think of how to make life better for him. Definitely it wasn't the best day - in fact one of he worst in terms of connecting, vocabulary, eating, walking and of course talking..Hopefully the growling and trying to punch both myself and the preposee will not be on the agenda tomorrow morning..we'll wait and see..g'nite