Today took a little trip to Mount Royal, to meet one of my friends, enjoy a beautiful Fall day..and also to do something that is important to me..and that is to bury some of Mac's ashes up near Beaver Lake. Why there?? Well I think I mentioned that there were three places that were in our hearts Our cottage on Lake Hughes, sitting on a bench right here in Lachine looking out on Lake St. Louis, and sitting looking out on Lac des Castor or Beaver Lake right on Mount Royal in Montreal, there is a fourth place too, and that is the bench outside St. Stephen's Church in Lachine.
Although we had not been on Mt. Royal for a couple of years...it was our good friend Carolyn in 2013 (I Think) who encouraged us to go there to enjoy a wonderful day when Mac was able to do that..That day brought back memories to both Mac as although he had the big A and he did have memories of skiing on Mt. Royal,and walking around the Lake. He kind of remembered how in later years, we celebrated our Anniversaries by going to Schwartz Deli on St. Laurent then driving up to Mt Royal to have a picnic lunch of Smoked Meat. At that time, we would talk about our teen age years walking by this lake, it was our city/country place, in a way, when we were kids, and what fun it was.
So today I met Carolyn - and before we got together, I quietly put some of the ashes under a tree overlooking the lake. All this might seem rather strange, maybe even weird to some, but it does something for me, which is all good.
So now the next thing I will do with the last of the ashes is put some in the Church yard, this in a way is more appropriate as there is a cemetery there as well. I am also thinking of putting a plaque to mark the place which will be more traditional - and that will end it all. Although Diane my other friend wants me to keep a few ashes in a pendant to wear around my neck..on thinking it over, that is not going to happen. I am not good with necklaces, I have arthritis in my neck and so that will really kind of bother me. Never has Mac been a bother, well on second thought..hmm.just joking..we bothered each other and t'would be great to be bothered again.
Another friend Elaine wants to give me Vera Lynn singing We'll meet Again...well maybe we will ....
All my friends and family are so supportive and helpful, I'll end this blog with these words that Ginny gave me to keep and read....by Kahil Gibran from The Prophet:-
Then Almitra spoke again and said,
And What of marriage, master?
And he answered saying:
You were born together,
and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together
when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together
even in the silent memory of God.
g'nite.
Saturday 26 September 2015
Tuesday 22 September 2015
Tuesday, September 22, 2015 Is this my room...
Well, I'm still connected in so many ways to Alzheimer's - both through friends who have it right here in my Residence, and through the friends I made in the Alzheimer's Caregivers Group. So when a friend wrote to tell me about a woman we'll call N. who is quite sad ..as she is going through this kind of scenario...her husband has been placed in a Residence for Alzheimer Patients. Each time she visits she becomes so sad as he says over and over "who do I have to apologize to, to get out of here"..He thinks he is a little boy and in punishment - perhaps he thinks he has been put in his room" this is what I wrote in reply:-
I Know what N. is going through, I belong to an Alzheimer Care Giver Group, the Alzheimer Society has several throughout the city and lakeshore area…I lucked into a fantastic group of people. That was in 2007—08 after about a year it was obvious that some of us connected and wanted to be there for each other outside of the once a month meeting…At first we met for about 6 x once a week, we were led by a super person an Alz. Nurse who was caring and understood in depth the disease and the ramifications, she handed out all kinds of reading material which we read and discussed etc. Anyway..7 of the 12 are still together to this day….3 of us have lost our spouses…the 7 include one man… …his wife died shortly after Mac die. All this is to say that if N. can join a group like that, she should, it is so good…
We call ourselves (the 7 of us) the S.S. (secret society) We have laughed and cried as we talk about washing our spouses in bathrooms in restaurants..(I have washed the floors in several – not to mention my friend’s home) We talk about how we deal with what your friend’s husband says..i.e. the "who should I apologizer to... this is how we would answer…that…
”True sweetie, I guess you should apologize, but there isn’t anyone there to do that, I’ve looked, so we’ll just have to make the best of it..this is your home now..I’ll bring some of our pictures etc etc.
As a matter of fact, I’m going through this again, with my friend’s mom (my friend J is one of the SS) her mom is in a bldg. right behind the park which is right behind my bldg. Her mom says the same thing every time I go over (I help J once in awhile – stay with her mom from 6:30 till 8:00)she will say... is this my room no it’s not, I should go home now..I always answer.."Gee right, you should go home, but it’s too dark, and it’s too far to the bus stop now, so I think this is a really good home, in fact look it’s your own lovely bedspread…and your t.v. etc etc….she then kind of looks and says oh yes so it is...She is such a sweet lady, I help to get her to the bathroom she is tall and stout, but thankfully she can hold on to a walker while I just have to assist her. She has fallen but thank God not when I’ve been there.
This is probably more info than you bargained for, but perhaps you can pass it on to N.…I’m not sure if it will help, but one never knows till they try. The techniques I use were gained slowly and from the A. group and the nurses on the 2nd floor.
If Mac were still alive, he would gradually have been too ill – and would die the way many do on the 2nd floor, that is, not able to eat, and starve – I used to see that…it was awful, I think how wonderful that Mac was able to enjoy music while the aide dressed him, he stood up and did a little dance to the music, sat down on the bed and said, “I’m so tired”, laid his head down on his pillow, and just went to sleep (died).
But how I miss him and wish he were still here-but it’s not to be, and so life must go on….and on..so we all have to make the best of it..and enjoy the time we have left, right?..I love that N. is taking tap dancing lessons, …hurrah..thats’ the way to go…buffalo and slap ball change...she will probably know what that means..ha..
Doing things for others is great, but for sure doing things to help yourself cope is important...so to make sure, looking after yourself is not only helping you, but the person who is ill, make a set time and take time look for ways to make your own day brighter...even if it is only watching fun tv..Also look for ways to both enjoy - even if it is just walking, that was our way to enjoy.
Now I walk alone, but he is there, in the sunshine sparkling on the water...g'nite.
I Know what N. is going through, I belong to an Alzheimer Care Giver Group, the Alzheimer Society has several throughout the city and lakeshore area…I lucked into a fantastic group of people. That was in 2007—08 after about a year it was obvious that some of us connected and wanted to be there for each other outside of the once a month meeting…At first we met for about 6 x once a week, we were led by a super person an Alz. Nurse who was caring and understood in depth the disease and the ramifications, she handed out all kinds of reading material which we read and discussed etc. Anyway..7 of the 12 are still together to this day….3 of us have lost our spouses…the 7 include one man… …his wife died shortly after Mac die. All this is to say that if N. can join a group like that, she should, it is so good…
We call ourselves (the 7 of us) the S.S. (secret society) We have laughed and cried as we talk about washing our spouses in bathrooms in restaurants..(I have washed the floors in several – not to mention my friend’s home) We talk about how we deal with what your friend’s husband says..i.e. the "who should I apologizer to... this is how we would answer…that…
”True sweetie, I guess you should apologize, but there isn’t anyone there to do that, I’ve looked, so we’ll just have to make the best of it..this is your home now..I’ll bring some of our pictures etc etc.
As a matter of fact, I’m going through this again, with my friend’s mom (my friend J is one of the SS) her mom is in a bldg. right behind the park which is right behind my bldg. Her mom says the same thing every time I go over (I help J once in awhile – stay with her mom from 6:30 till 8:00)she will say... is this my room no it’s not, I should go home now..I always answer.."Gee right, you should go home, but it’s too dark, and it’s too far to the bus stop now, so I think this is a really good home, in fact look it’s your own lovely bedspread…and your t.v. etc etc….she then kind of looks and says oh yes so it is...She is such a sweet lady, I help to get her to the bathroom she is tall and stout, but thankfully she can hold on to a walker while I just have to assist her. She has fallen but thank God not when I’ve been there.
This is probably more info than you bargained for, but perhaps you can pass it on to N.…I’m not sure if it will help, but one never knows till they try. The techniques I use were gained slowly and from the A. group and the nurses on the 2nd floor.
If Mac were still alive, he would gradually have been too ill – and would die the way many do on the 2nd floor, that is, not able to eat, and starve – I used to see that…it was awful, I think how wonderful that Mac was able to enjoy music while the aide dressed him, he stood up and did a little dance to the music, sat down on the bed and said, “I’m so tired”, laid his head down on his pillow, and just went to sleep (died).
But how I miss him and wish he were still here-but it’s not to be, and so life must go on….and on..so we all have to make the best of it..and enjoy the time we have left, right?..I love that N. is taking tap dancing lessons, …hurrah..thats’ the way to go…buffalo and slap ball change...she will probably know what that means..ha..
Doing things for others is great, but for sure doing things to help yourself cope is important...so to make sure, looking after yourself is not only helping you, but the person who is ill, make a set time and take time look for ways to make your own day brighter...even if it is only watching fun tv..Also look for ways to both enjoy - even if it is just walking, that was our way to enjoy.
Now I walk alone, but he is there, in the sunshine sparkling on the water...g'nite.
Wednesday 16 September 2015
Wednesday, September 16, 2015... stop resisting change....
Well yesterday had a good but general conversation (on the phone) with a close friend of mine, now living in the U.S. - then went on to report the conversation by email to another friend. At one time the three of us were very close, we grew up together and married around the same time, and now we are all apart. Now both friends live in the U.S.
In the email I wrote: Happy to say, she was coherent, on target, and great to speak to..but one could see that she would have good and bad moments…she was not able to use the computer to any great extent (which is sad as she was once so computer savvy). Is in a small kind of wheelchair, she says it’s called a transfer chair. But obviously she uses it all the time.
She was so sorry to hear Mac had died, said “dear Mac of the sparkling eyes” and then commented on how we were all getting there, so true. I told her you and Tom were in Calif. She sounded a bit on target there, but I know that she didn’t seem to take it in. but on the whole she was good, saying the kind of things that were easy, like “this place is perfect for us..we get great meals, they have two serving times, and it is a lovely location..etc.” altogether a good conversation, but I don’t expect she will call back or get into conversations about politics, or what is happening now for example she would have been the first to talk about the Syrian Crisis…oh well, we’ve all had a good life, and so must not get all sad about things that I can’t do anything about.."
Well the whole conversation and email put me in mind of a special day-long meeting ...sort of on Changes in Life. The leader said we should "stop resisting change"
Change of paths and passing on to new ones is the way it is and one must be open to change...fear, insecurity and doubt are part of this process and one should realize that "control" is an illusion - trust the God or spirit within us"
He gave a brochure with some interesting insights, which I think I will share in this and another blog later..but this one kind of poem speaks to me right now.
"Change Alone is Unchanging"
Whosoever wishes to know about the world
Must learn about it, in it's particular details
Knowledge is not intelligence,
In searching for the truth, be ready for the unexpected
Change alone is unchanging,
The same road goes both up and down,
The beginning of a circle
is also its end.
Not I, but the world says it:
all is one
Ad yet everything comes in season.
- Heraklietos of Ephesos
What we call a beginning is often the end,
And to make an end is to make a beginning
The end is where we start from.
We shall not cease from exploration,
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started,
And know the place for the first time.
-T.S. Eliot
In other words "be the change you wish to see in the world"
Is that it I wonder.well those were words that I'm still pondering,
g'day...
In the email I wrote: Happy to say, she was coherent, on target, and great to speak to..but one could see that she would have good and bad moments…she was not able to use the computer to any great extent (which is sad as she was once so computer savvy). Is in a small kind of wheelchair, she says it’s called a transfer chair. But obviously she uses it all the time.
She was so sorry to hear Mac had died, said “dear Mac of the sparkling eyes” and then commented on how we were all getting there, so true. I told her you and Tom were in Calif. She sounded a bit on target there, but I know that she didn’t seem to take it in. but on the whole she was good, saying the kind of things that were easy, like “this place is perfect for us..we get great meals, they have two serving times, and it is a lovely location..etc.” altogether a good conversation, but I don’t expect she will call back or get into conversations about politics, or what is happening now for example she would have been the first to talk about the Syrian Crisis…oh well, we’ve all had a good life, and so must not get all sad about things that I can’t do anything about.."
Well the whole conversation and email put me in mind of a special day-long meeting ...sort of on Changes in Life. The leader said we should "stop resisting change"
Change of paths and passing on to new ones is the way it is and one must be open to change...fear, insecurity and doubt are part of this process and one should realize that "control" is an illusion - trust the God or spirit within us"
He gave a brochure with some interesting insights, which I think I will share in this and another blog later..but this one kind of poem speaks to me right now.
"Change Alone is Unchanging"
Whosoever wishes to know about the world
Must learn about it, in it's particular details
Knowledge is not intelligence,
In searching for the truth, be ready for the unexpected
Change alone is unchanging,
The same road goes both up and down,
The beginning of a circle
is also its end.
Not I, but the world says it:
all is one
Ad yet everything comes in season.
- Heraklietos of Ephesos
What we call a beginning is often the end,
And to make an end is to make a beginning
The end is where we start from.
We shall not cease from exploration,
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started,
And know the place for the first time.
-T.S. Eliot
In other words "be the change you wish to see in the world"
Is that it I wonder.well those were words that I'm still pondering,
g'day...
Saturday 12 September 2015
Saturday September 12, 2015 goodbye again.....
I have just buried in a shallow little grave, some of Mac's ashes. This time just behind the bench where we loved to sit to look at the lake. As I write these words, I'm sitting under his umbrella, lost mine at the Treasures Sale - today - at the Teapot.
It is misty and raining, joining the tears that I'm shedding. The ashes are almost depleted, I'm saving some to put beside the bench in St. Stephen's Church yard. The bench he would sit on, rather than come in to church. There he would sit and wait for me..no church for Mac, till much later, or when it was just too cold..he would sit in the very last row with me.
This is not the kind of day he would like - but it's perfect for me, for the way I feel. I am alone this time and I'm wondering if the ashes I saved should be buried at the park in St. Henri, where he spent some of his early days...and perhaps also at the park on Mt. Royal...I'm not sure if I'll ever get there. So I'll have to think about that. Funny, the bench I'm sitting on has only one bit of graffiti, and that is the word T H I N K, o.k. I will, but later, as now the rain is really coming down, so goodbye again Mac.
These were the words I wrote after digging and putting the ashes in - then covering them with earth twigs, and a branch with berries..not sure what kind, maybe choke cherries giving the little grave a bit of colour..
As I walked home in the rain, I thought change your tears think about what to prepare for Maureen's birthday..tomorrow..It's a nice thought and an even nicer thought was of how we (Mac and I) planned her birth..I wonder if my deceased friend, Rita's son, Bryn knew how he inspired us - when he was just a tiny baby..After having three daughters, we thought..hmmm, maybe now we will have a boy..well it was not to be ..but we did have the most beautiful little baby girl. This little baby gave not only her dad and I such joy, but a baby that the whole family played with,and just loved...What a wonderful gift she was.. maybe I should put the story of how we planned each one of our children..that way I will be able to write without tears.so I'll THINK some more about that too. g'nite.
It is misty and raining, joining the tears that I'm shedding. The ashes are almost depleted, I'm saving some to put beside the bench in St. Stephen's Church yard. The bench he would sit on, rather than come in to church. There he would sit and wait for me..no church for Mac, till much later, or when it was just too cold..he would sit in the very last row with me.
This is not the kind of day he would like - but it's perfect for me, for the way I feel. I am alone this time and I'm wondering if the ashes I saved should be buried at the park in St. Henri, where he spent some of his early days...and perhaps also at the park on Mt. Royal...I'm not sure if I'll ever get there. So I'll have to think about that. Funny, the bench I'm sitting on has only one bit of graffiti, and that is the word T H I N K, o.k. I will, but later, as now the rain is really coming down, so goodbye again Mac.
These were the words I wrote after digging and putting the ashes in - then covering them with earth twigs, and a branch with berries..not sure what kind, maybe choke cherries giving the little grave a bit of colour..
As I walked home in the rain, I thought change your tears think about what to prepare for Maureen's birthday..tomorrow..It's a nice thought and an even nicer thought was of how we (Mac and I) planned her birth..I wonder if my deceased friend, Rita's son, Bryn knew how he inspired us - when he was just a tiny baby..After having three daughters, we thought..hmmm, maybe now we will have a boy..well it was not to be ..but we did have the most beautiful little baby girl. This little baby gave not only her dad and I such joy, but a baby that the whole family played with,and just loved...What a wonderful gift she was.. maybe I should put the story of how we planned each one of our children..that way I will be able to write without tears.so I'll THINK some more about that too. g'nite.
Monday 7 September 2015
Monday, September 5, 2015 He didn't even remember.......
Today I visited a woman whose husband had died recently. Her husband had the big A. and sad to say her memories are just that ..sad. She remembered that he did not know who she was, he got violent, he hit her, he couldn't control his bowels and on and on...I tried to encourage her to remember the good days, in fact, even I remembered how he would say "where is mother". Mother was of course herself, which I thought was rather sweet of him.
She had a young girl which she paid to look after him, even when she was with him. At the over 55 Club, she would talk to her friends and he was usually with the girl, and he would ask for her, and was at the time quite reasonable and calm. So I reminded her of this, but she just could not seem to remember, she said, your husband was very good and calm, but my husband was not. He didn't remember me.
Well this reminded me of my little conversation up north with one of our neighbours just this past weekend. So I told her of the conversation. This neighbor gave me her condolences as she said she had tried to reach me when Mac died, but could never seem to connect. We chatted about the sad fact of how so many of the neighbours up at the lake have passed on.
She then said "you were so wonderful with your husband. I understand he didn't even remember who you were by the end, that must have been so so sad."..I said that he didn't know who I was is, to me, kind of ridiculous of course he perhaps didn't know my name, but I wasn't so wonderful, because I KNEW HIM. We were married for 63 years and more, he knew me in a way that did'nt require my name, he knew I was someone who KNEW him. That is the important part. I could continue to love him and he felt the love, he returned that love..and would be so happy and smile when I came in the room. When I laughed, hugged and talked to him it showed that I was completely at home and did not need to have him say my name. If he said, "I should go home to my wife", I would say, Yes of course, and then say she will probably call you later. Then he would forget and be content.
There was a time when I made the mistake of saying "I am your wife". well that was upsetting for him, he didn't believe me. No matter what I said, it only made him agitated and start to get rough, pushing me away. One time I got the nurse to come. He dealt with it so well. He said to Mac, come show me where your wife lives. We were downstairs in the lobby at the time. So he went outside the building with Mac, told me to go up to the apartment. I was too nervous to go up but stood away from the door and watched. I was hoping he would not give him a shot of something to calm him down; which was a possibility. All of a sudden they walked back in the building, and walked straight to the elevator. I followed along behind and went in another elevator, Mac didn't notice.
When I got to our apartment, I heard the nurse say, oh look there is your cat, I guess your wife is here too. As I followed them in, he turned and said, yes here she is...and Mac said, "right, there she is"...and was completely calm and content. That was one of the many times I learned that one should just try to go along with the thoughts of the person with the big A. try not argue or contradict.
What the nurse had done was take him outside walk around just a few steps away turn him around, and say I think she lives in this building and walk Mac right back into the same building. Gaye our daughter learned this earlier than even I did, and so often when I would try to reason with him, I'd say, let's phone Gaye, she will tell you. Then Gaye would say, you are right Dad, but I guess you will have to wait or some such thing to make him calm down over whatever was bothering him, but always letting him feel he was o.k. in control and not completely wrong.
So yes he didn't even remember me exactly, but I remember and I remember so many wonderful times, the day has 24 hours, and the few hours that he was agitated, upset, mad, or even at times violent, were minimal compared to the many, many, hours of hugs, kisses, and love that we shared - we shared the same apartment, the same food, the same bed and the same love, and that will always be remembered. so g'nite.
She had a young girl which she paid to look after him, even when she was with him. At the over 55 Club, she would talk to her friends and he was usually with the girl, and he would ask for her, and was at the time quite reasonable and calm. So I reminded her of this, but she just could not seem to remember, she said, your husband was very good and calm, but my husband was not. He didn't remember me.
Well this reminded me of my little conversation up north with one of our neighbours just this past weekend. So I told her of the conversation. This neighbor gave me her condolences as she said she had tried to reach me when Mac died, but could never seem to connect. We chatted about the sad fact of how so many of the neighbours up at the lake have passed on.
She then said "you were so wonderful with your husband. I understand he didn't even remember who you were by the end, that must have been so so sad."..I said that he didn't know who I was is, to me, kind of ridiculous of course he perhaps didn't know my name, but I wasn't so wonderful, because I KNEW HIM. We were married for 63 years and more, he knew me in a way that did'nt require my name, he knew I was someone who KNEW him. That is the important part. I could continue to love him and he felt the love, he returned that love..and would be so happy and smile when I came in the room. When I laughed, hugged and talked to him it showed that I was completely at home and did not need to have him say my name. If he said, "I should go home to my wife", I would say, Yes of course, and then say she will probably call you later. Then he would forget and be content.
There was a time when I made the mistake of saying "I am your wife". well that was upsetting for him, he didn't believe me. No matter what I said, it only made him agitated and start to get rough, pushing me away. One time I got the nurse to come. He dealt with it so well. He said to Mac, come show me where your wife lives. We were downstairs in the lobby at the time. So he went outside the building with Mac, told me to go up to the apartment. I was too nervous to go up but stood away from the door and watched. I was hoping he would not give him a shot of something to calm him down; which was a possibility. All of a sudden they walked back in the building, and walked straight to the elevator. I followed along behind and went in another elevator, Mac didn't notice.
When I got to our apartment, I heard the nurse say, oh look there is your cat, I guess your wife is here too. As I followed them in, he turned and said, yes here she is...and Mac said, "right, there she is"...and was completely calm and content. That was one of the many times I learned that one should just try to go along with the thoughts of the person with the big A. try not argue or contradict.
What the nurse had done was take him outside walk around just a few steps away turn him around, and say I think she lives in this building and walk Mac right back into the same building. Gaye our daughter learned this earlier than even I did, and so often when I would try to reason with him, I'd say, let's phone Gaye, she will tell you. Then Gaye would say, you are right Dad, but I guess you will have to wait or some such thing to make him calm down over whatever was bothering him, but always letting him feel he was o.k. in control and not completely wrong.
So yes he didn't even remember me exactly, but I remember and I remember so many wonderful times, the day has 24 hours, and the few hours that he was agitated, upset, mad, or even at times violent, were minimal compared to the many, many, hours of hugs, kisses, and love that we shared - we shared the same apartment, the same food, the same bed and the same love, and that will always be remembered. so g'nite.
Wednesday 2 September 2015
Wednesday, September 2, 2015 Time after Time
The days are beautiful, the sun is so warm, and as I listened to the waves lapping the shore, I realized that I haven't put Mac's ashes at this very bench where we used to sit together. I will do that before summer finally say's goodbye..and perhaps by then I will be able to say goodbye too. Will that ever happen.. August 22nd I thought I said goodbye, when we, as a family, buried his ashes these were my words to one of our favorite songs
Time after time, I tell myself that I'm so lucky to have been in love with you
So lucky to be the one you came home to see in the evening when the day was through.
I only know what I know, the passing years have shown,
We kept our love so young, so new,
And time after time, I tell myself that I'm so lucky to have been in love with you.
Then I continued with.
Mac you were my best friend, my booster in just about everything I did. Always there for me, no matter what,
and these were the words I wrote when you looked after me when I broke my shoulder, arm and wrist.
He is my good left or right arm, the careful helpful man
The shoulder to cry on, the news and town crier, the cook and the charmer, the lover, the mother
These roles intertwined, the heart ever mine.
So I will
Think of all the beauty still left around and be happy,
Because...
We are the rememberers, the people left behind
to keep the one whose gone from us
alive in heart and mine
We are the people left
To cherish and preserve a legacy
Yes we are the rememberers
those last words, are so true. So not really goodbye but to remember in dreams as I sleep.. so g'nite.
Time after time, I tell myself that I'm so lucky to have been in love with you
So lucky to be the one you came home to see in the evening when the day was through.
I only know what I know, the passing years have shown,
We kept our love so young, so new,
And time after time, I tell myself that I'm so lucky to have been in love with you.
Then I continued with.
Mac you were my best friend, my booster in just about everything I did. Always there for me, no matter what,
and these were the words I wrote when you looked after me when I broke my shoulder, arm and wrist.
He is my good left or right arm, the careful helpful man
The shoulder to cry on, the news and town crier, the cook and the charmer, the lover, the mother
These roles intertwined, the heart ever mine.
So I will
Think of all the beauty still left around and be happy,
Because...
We are the rememberers, the people left behind
to keep the one whose gone from us
alive in heart and mine
We are the people left
To cherish and preserve a legacy
Yes we are the rememberers
those last words, are so true. So not really goodbye but to remember in dreams as I sleep.. so g'nite.
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