Tuesday, December 29, 2015..... 2009 ..Are you coming to bed.....

Those were the words I have in my journal from December 2009, and these words were said in a bad temper by Mac...I then go on to say he is so uptight and not sure of himself. Apparently the next day I had planned to go to Fairview to exchange things..(life is still like that -just went to Fairview center to exchange things yesterday)anyway going back to 2009, I then decided I would NOT go to Fairview, but would instead, go out WALKING with Mac, as the difference in his thinking and temperament when walking and after were absolutely clear.

I have just posted a video about exercise on Facebook - the video points out how very important exercise is for people over 50, how their lives are then enriched by better health as they get older. If there is anything enlightening about this blog for others it is that exercise, especially walking, is not only beneficial in a physical way, i.e. keeping your body strong enough to go up and down stairs, to do daily tasks of all kinds, including that simplest of tasks but a most important one is that of going to the toilet by yourself.

Remember that the brain functions better if one exercises, and that is the basic idea when one thinks of Alzheimer patients.

This blog was started in about 2012 or 13, have to check back, but in any case I see in my journal of 2007 the signs of Alzheimer in Mac, or a type of dementia that brought us to the doctor in the first place ..these are not ones that I see listed online for people to think of, but these are the ones I noted... .

1. Mac cannot seem to turn his head to check when backing up in the car, he relies on his side mirrors.
2. doing exercises in bed with me in the morning, can not twist his ankles from side to side.
3. writing which was always so clear, becoming less so, spelling off target.
4. He also could not seem to write on the lines or focus on them
5. His short term memory not so bad.
6. His long term memory fine
7. Memory for faces and names - poor
8. His reading slower, though he is still doing crossword puzzles and reading the paper every day.
9. Still walking every day
10. Having trouble dialing phone or hearing people on the phone.

As you can see, the teacher part of me took over, and I was watching and checking everything.

He had been diagnosed from these and other signs in 2007..and by 2009 as mentioned above, he would be so temperamental and unsure, but walking made him much better and continued to do so until the end in 2015.

Of course, because of the disease, he progressively became unable to do so much, this I wrote about but I just thought I would put the list in for good measure, and again focus on how important it is to exercise. I'm writing this for myself as well, as I have gained weight and see how easy it is to sit back now that I don't have my incentive i.e. my Mac..and how gaining the weight has made me less keen to move my body..so that has to stop..so today..I went for a walk in the snow drifts, will do some dancercise before bed. and practice what I preach.

So now to put some good exercise music on and get going, I'm going to start the New Year right. Sooo
g'nite.

Friday, December 25,2015 A Christmas Hi

This is the hi I wrote to a friend today:..
It’s now 10:30 a.m. Christmas Day.. The sun is shining and it’s warm outside. can you believe, the grass is green. Last night I went to the Christmas eve service at our little Anglican Church here in Lachine…in my spring coat…my friends were in sweaters or jackets. Global Warming for sure. I’ve never ever seen a Christmas like this one. Actually I don’t like it..Where is our snow…boo hoo

Can’t complain about anything. Well I can..actually..Christmas without Mac is not Christmas, so I’m at the computer thinking of Christmas in the past. What a difference. Appreciate Tom, and live for the moment. Actually we did, and we had fun, even last Christmas.

.Right now I’m looking at the decorations in the house as I type..I’ve put up a little tree and I’ve loads of indications of Christmas, so I guess it is..I have to bake a salmon – get my stuff that I’m bringing to Maureen’s home i.e. vegetable casserole, plum pudding and hard sauce, the salmon, cookies, wine, and stacks of presents for everyone into some kind of a big box..don’t know who will pick me up, I’ll get some indication online soon or by phone…whoever has any room for my stuff and theirs…We will be… starting with Maureen whose the hostess this year along with her husband Donald, sons Olivier and Noah…Gaye Bill and their boys Chris and Robin, Les, Jane, Jacob and Rosemary, Jacob’s girlfriend (Teri) will come in few days, but Rosemary’s Boyfriend Malachy will be there..then there will be Glenna and Martin’s –Orin, his girlfriend,hose name excapes me now, Evan, Carlee and boyfriend Donavan, Valerie, her son Brandon, daughter Brianna, Lorne, and their children Finley and Lachlan, and with myself I guess we will be quite a crowd.. What a time I had trying to remember gifts for this one and that one, - plus think of the friends and the people who work here. I was beginning to feel like a real GRINCH.

But all is calm at the moment, and just in time here comes the end of the Massiah which is on the radio..I’m turning it up.. The Hallelujah Chorus…

MERRY CHRISTMAS…XXXJAN. P.S. I LOVED YOUR CARD.

Monday, December 21,2015 Hey what's happening......

That's what I said on Sunday morning at 4:00 a.m. as I woke up to the most god awful sound of the fire alarm. It is earsplitting and went on for about five minutes..I got up and put on my kimono slippers and ran out in the hall, just two of the residents straggled out of their apartments and looked around, they were too frazzled and not really with it - actually neither was I but decided if there is a fire, I guess I'll go down the stairs..in my sleepy state I kind of noticed "no numbers on the doors" - I live on the 6th floor, couldn't really tell if I had reached the ground floor, but did reach the sub-basement, crazy dark and dreary, I looked out a door it was pitch dark,and no one was there..talk about scary..so I trooped back up all the flights of stairs, with my heart pounding, (I'm claustrophobic so it was more than just the stairs) I hate closed in places.
To make a long story short. would you believe the fire alarm had stopped BUT, then continued to scream in our ears just about every 15 to 20 minutes till 8:00 a.m. My friend Lettie tells me it rang for 5 minutes or more twelve times total. Poor Lettie on her side(tower A) she went down the stairs twice.
We did have a male nurse who told us the new system was not completely installed and they did not know how to turn it off properly..(no kidding) He also told me the system indicated a fire on the second and sixth floor, but he couldn't find any smoke or fire anywhere..Only 8 people were on duty at that time...all were just as frustrated and completely out of their depth. I kept wanting to phone 911, but then would think oh maybe now it's finished and I can sleep..ha. fat chance.
I thought we would get some kind of apology and explanation from the powers that be, today..BUT NO..so I am going to make a few suggestions.
1. get the damn system fixed pronto
2. put numbers on the front and back of the stairwell doors
3. put a bright tape on the last step of each flight so a person like Lettie doesn't almost fall on her face thinking there is another step (as that is what came close to happening to her.)
4. What on earth will they do if there is a real fire, almost all the people are too old and weak to take the stairs. Just think Lettie has a pace maker and she said it kept going on..how awful..

I was so uptight with claustrophobia that I had to get out of the building right away in the morning, and at 8:30 when the men were fixing the elevators I insisted I go down and out right away. (by the way all the doors to the floors were locked i.e. when I was going back up I didn't know what floor I was on - no #'s, so I would try the doors they were locked except for the top floor, 6th, thank God. I now have the cat's leash by the door in case of fire, so he will be with me, poor guy he didn't know what was going on. I can only say Thank God too that Mac was not here, he would have panicked and been in a state.loud horrible noises were one of his real hates, he would have had a fit.

So as I write this all is well, but tomorrow, I'm going to get on the director's cases for sure. so g'nite.

Tuesday, December 15, 2014...my husband just......

Life goes on and stories abound in this residence, they are sometimes lovely stories, and sometimes so so sad..but of course, this being a Seniors residence, well one realizes this goes with the territory.

Today Lettie, and I were waiting for the Teapot bus that takes us shopping at IGA every Tuesday. You may remember my stories about Lettie the 91 year old friend here in the residence. She was the first woman Anglican priest in Canada; her husband was the one I used to look after while she was getting over a broken hip. then if you recall, he broke his hip too, and not too long after he improved but then had cancer as well as a type of dementia and died. How sad is that; and no matter how old one is of course she like myself misses her husband so much; but life goes on.

So today there we were waiting for the bus in the lobby of the residence when we saw Darlene. I call her Darling Darlene, she is always so much fun. She is a sweet looking young woman who works serving in the dining room also she often is the companion to take the ailing residents to their doctor or hospital appointments. That's what she was doing when we met her.

She was not looking too happy or fun loving as she wheeled Mrs. Hood along to the door. When she saw Lettie and I she came over to us and just shocked us when she said, "did you know my husband died last week."

I could hardly believe it, her husband was only 50 years old. She said she woke up in the morning and there was her husband in bed, and he had died.

Apparently the doctors do not know how he died. He had been healthy - in fact I saw him last week driving his car into our parking lot He had come as usual to pick her up Darlene. We were completely shocked at the news. I could see that Darlene is kind of in a state of shock too, she told us in a calm voice, that they had an Irish Wake..two hundred and fifty of their friends and relatives came and supported her and their teen aged boy and girl. The wake she told us went on for nine hours..and she explained that's what we Irish do. She is kind of walking in a state of disbelief..Lettie and I were also in disbelief..

Then just as she was telling us, our bus came and we got on the bus - the bus driver and the two young girls who help with groceries, and all the ladies on the bus were saying how they are getting ready and excited. The bus driver with his santa claus hat on.. and as for me, I could only think what a Christmas this will be for Darlene and her family.

These days I have been thinking..what a Christmas this will be for myself and my family. How will I stand it..well, I know I will stand it, I've been so fortunate, 63 years of a loving husband, and father..I will have a grateful Christmas, I will, how could I not have one..when I think of ..
poor Darlene, she had been married thirty three years they were together since she was seventeen.

And so it goes. We must always remember how fragile and precious is our time with our loved ones, and our time here on earth. Appreciate each moment, and care for one another..enjoy each Christmas we are here remembering that no one knows what the future may hold so Love one another, as the man said whose birth is what we celebrate... g'nite.

Friday, December 11, 2015 What are your thoughts on.....

Our book club met last Tuesday, the book we were discussing was Me Before You, the book was an easy read, but deceptive in that although it was an easy read it was also one to make you think..being that the subject is so "au current" right now Dying with Dignity...One would think that kind of book would be too "dark" but the writing and the humor of the story of a para- palegic man and the girl who becomes his caretaker was not only interesting, sad and humorous, but also gave one an insight as to just what life is like for one with such disabilities..

So when it was my turn to be asked what my thoughts were on this book, I was able to give it two thumbs up for sure- and as I was glancing at my notes to say what I thought...I realized I had written some thoughts that were purely from the point of view of myself as caretaker..and of course did not pursue that - but thought I would put those thoughts here in my blog...

"This book was an important one for me as it brought home my early days with Mac, where we had to support each other in our terror of what we knew was coming...the gradual deterioration of his mind...the discussion of suicide, the research online and in books on just what was happening and what would be happening and how we would try to cope...

Then came the loneliness when I no longer could discuss this with him; as he slowly lost the cognition of just what was happening. This was the time when I lost the reasoning and wonderful mind of a truly bright, intelligent friend and lover.

I had to cling to my earlier discussions where I said, we will call it amnesia, and every day, I will say your name, and we will talk about what and who Gordon McConnell is and what he and I will be doing and remembering about that man and his family. This we did for sure and we coped, the man he became was at times fearful, angry, desperate and violent, but for the most part, happy loving and such a caring and observant person not only of nature but of the people around him and of course myself..some days he would say, "hey you are working too hard, sit down and listen to the music with me" always caring..

Although there were so many days when I cried for the gradual loss of so many things we take for granted. i.e. the date, the time, the names of friends, the knowledge of past experiences, discussing and reading good books, politics, world events, understanding movies and t.v. stories and news,using the computer, knowing the people in his own family, knowing the different foods he was eating, being able to eat by himself, able to go to the bathroom on his own, knowing why he had to brush his teeth..but underlying all this he never lost his ability to be there for me..

I consoled myself each day with the saving grace in our lives...our walks.. he did not have to prove anything to himself or to anyone, he always knew beauty, he loved nature, clouds all kinds of weather, the sunshine, the rain, the snow , the ice on the sidewalk, the birds the wind trees, and on and on, the walking itself strengthened him,kept him stronger. We would leave the house each day the latest at one o'clock and stay out till six or later. We would eat at a little restaurant where the proprietor knew us, or picnic outdoors in good weather. Where we could sit on a bench by the lake, where at times I could lie down on the bench, and put my head on his knee and he would stroke my face, my hair and tell me how much he loved being with me and how lucky he felt he was to have me. This was wonderful and to this day, how I miss him as I walk by myself to places that we went to and although it hurts..it is getting better.

Reading this book brought back this time and although it was too too agonizingly sad...I do feel grateful to have had him, to hug him and remember his wonderful face, his lovely blue eyes, white thick hair that I could run my fingers through (it was like silk)...his laugh and his funny little jokes that were there to the end.

Yes he was sick for 8 years but within those years was so much to remember, love and miss...would I have wished we had followed his original thought to end it all, no, but do I understand how he felt, of course. Do I sympathize and understand the protagonist - Will- the man in the story "Me Before You"... absolutely.

g'day.

Friday, December 4, 2015 This will be your first.....

As the days in December are going by so quickly, already, and friends and neighbours are saying - wow only three more weeks, only so many days etc. another thing they are saying is ...This will be your first Christmas without Mac...and it is so true and so so sad.

Christmas in the past was a really special time for uos, so much so, that Mac never had a problem wondering, or saying..."what's that" he knew the word Christmas, and was even eating turkey and enjoying the day just last year..

So looking back on Christmases in the past ...was special. We loved it, Mac and I would talk about when we were first married how it was Christmas eve at Mac's mom's home with all his family..and then Christmas at my parent's home on Christmas day, with my family.

Then as time went on, it became Christmas at our place, Mac was a professional wrapper par excellence...I wrote the cards as he passed me the finished product...and at first we could hide the presents in one small area...the storage room of our apartment...then on to the second apartment and three more children...wrapping the presents became a day long activity and hiding them was getting harder..and by the time we moved to our house, present wrapping ...card signing, became a weeklong activity..but finding a hiding place became a little easier, we had many cupboards and a basement by then. Mac would put his favorite records on, and each night or day, we'd sing as we wrapped and soon the job would be done...

Decorating the tree was not the same...that always started out as fun and ended beautifully with all the lights on the tree (just so, as Mr. perfection had to make sure each light was perfectly placed and no two colors beside each other) by the way, in between the starting and the finished product, were words that would turn the room blue, as lights were strung on a tree that would be falling, or bent, or wrong side,...but at the end sitting on a rocking chair and viewing the tree in all it's glory would be Mac, sipping on his glass of wine - all starry eyed and sentimental. We would always say, this is the best one of all. Actually they were fantastic trees that were so tall they had to have the tops cut off...In fact most times we would have two trees one small one for the kids to decorate themselves..and one for Mac.

As the kids grew up, had their relationships and had their children...there were so many gifts and big presents to wrap, it would take up a whole room...in fact even the crib we had for the current grandbaby would be filled to the top and my mom would join us from Toronto..My sister and her family, my cousins etc...and how wonderful that was...though each Christmas there would be someone no longer with us..but there were always new people on the scene, our grandchildren would be bringing their partners, and as of just last year, we were enjoying our great granddaughter, and looking forward to a new great grand child on the way.

And so it goes...we will have a new addition to our tribe (by now I guess one could say we have a tribe)..we have a great grandson, how wonderful, as this will be the Christmas we say goodbye to another one leaving the family. My dearest Mac, will no longer be with us.

Now this Christmas it has come full circle...When we had our first little baby...Leslie sixty-two years ago, I remember my mom saying..."Thank God for Leslie, as this will be my first Christmas without my dearest husband"...so this Christmas, we will say Thank God for Finley and Lachlan our little Great Grandchildren who will make our Christmas Merry,

But in our heart of hearts we'll know that Mac will be there too...
g'nite.

Saturday, November 28, 2014 So now how are you doing...

Today our Grieving Group met for lunch, for a kind of last hurrah, or should I say goodbye. We were together for eight Wednesday evenings, we met at the United Church in Valois. These sessions have helped in so many ways, one of which was to realize that although one seems to think their grief is beyond the pale..or beyond what anyone else feels, it isn't...the pain is there for the others in the group, no matter who died..be it a husband, mother, sister, or cousin. It has to be obviously, someone who is loved and cherished, someone who has been so close to you that you can't imagine life without him or her. That is exactly what occurred to me when I met these fellow grieving people..they feel the same pain, maybe in different ways, but they feel it..and can understand me; and I certainly can understand them.

I have been fairly good most days and have even been able to think about Christmas, (one without Mac) how awful but I can. I have been able to do that. Today our group chatted away about our lives, our plans, future holidays, and there were no tears..until someone said to me, just as we were leaving, "So how are you doing?..." that's all it took for me to choke up and in fact writing this I'm almost starting again, and I have had to stop and think - the pain of it all has not left. I could hardly answer the question, so how am I doing...

I'd say I'm doing fine. Or as well as I can do, I'm able to enjoy seeing children's choirs, enjoy hearing carols, thinking of gifts, I'm even thinking of gifts that I want..I read one of my daughter's Christmas list for her family, and thought..oh good I'll buy that for him or her..so life goes on...I'm even thinking of writing future blogs not only how life is going on, but how we got to this part of our life in the first place..Maybe I'll continue the blog with stories of our family ..and the influence of the person who made the family along with myself, my sweet friend, lover and husband Mac.

As the woman who led our grieving group said, we the ones who remember our loved one, we are that person's eternity...so why not...
In the meantime I'll end with another writing from the Grieving group...oh and one more line that I feel is true now from the

Criteria for Reconciliation and that is:-

The capacity to enjoy experiences in life that are normally enjoyable.

I may have put this poem in before but it really applies today

You can shed a tear now that he is gone
Or you can smile because he has lived
You can close your eyes and pray he'll come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left

Your heart can be empty
Because you cannot see him
Or can be full of the love
that you have shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow
And live for yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow
Because of yesterday

You can remember him and ache
that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory
And let him live on

You can cry and close your mind
Be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what he would want
Smile, open your eyes
Love, and go on.

g'nite..

Saturday, November 21, 2015....Best kept secret.....

Normally never write two days in a row, but just want to get this in for the record...I woke up without tears this a.m. one of the few days that happens, so I was so pleased as it's difficult to put on eye make up with watery eyes ...anyway, listened to a show that is not always my fave..the Vinyl Café with Stuart McLean, He often got on my nerves in the past..but today he really nailed it.

The show was recorded at a lovely concert hall in St. John N.B. he said so many terrific things about St. John, all true...as Mac would confirm...he also said St. John N.B. was Canada's best kept Secret...Well, those words were said by both Mac and I so often. St. John was the place where Mac spent so many summers of his childhood. His memories of swimming in the coldest waters of Canada...watching the highest tide in Bay of Fundy, eating dulce with his friends (and trying to like it)..

Mac went by train all by himself when he was little. He remembers waking up to look out the window as the sun came up over the Miramiche. We went a couple of times to renew his memories and he always would say this is where I would wake up..This is the time I would be so happy knowing that I would be free of school, and going to spend summertime with my sister Gertie and her husband Bill..He just loved St. John, we walked along all the streets he knew so well. We even drove out to some little summer houses on the river where they also spent time.

Stuart McLean echoed all the words that Mac has said to me through the years. I can also vouch for the lovely places not only St. John but the province of New Brunswick, the beaches, the woods, the wild life and of course my favourite place is always beside an Ocean. The whole program took me down memory lane, and well, my eye make up streaked as I relived our beautiful times there.

Then the show finished off in the way Stuart usually ends with a kind of singsong of an old favorite song..He tells people to close their eyes, and not to worry about their voice, how well or how poorly they sing...and the show ended with a song that just topped the whole thing off for me..and that was Shine on Harvest Moon...How often we sang that at the top of our lungs as we could see the moon through the car window as we drove home from the cottage or even while we washed dishes after company left..we could see the big harvest moon from our kitchen window...

Well so much for not grieving today...it will have to wait...but they say it can be good for you. Today I can say..o.k. maybe so...

So shine on g'bye.

Friday, November 20, 2015 It's for the best....

Still meeting people that have not heard about Mac, that is just heard about his death recently. Happened just about 15 minutes ago, when I met Eunice a preposee who worked here and was so good with Mac. She has been away because she has had a baby girl. The baby's name is Winner...well there's a new one have never heard of a baby called Winner...that caused us to have a discussion on names and then she said - I heard about Mac - well it's for the best...
I guess it could be called "for the best"..not for me of course but for him, he was so happy the last day of his life, but that was unusual and now as I look at a picture right in front of me, it's true I never saw him smile so happily, the picture was taken on the last day.
So that started me on pictures - so many - when one lives as long as we have of course there would be tons..last night I watched a movie where a woman around my age says the sad thing about losing a loved one is forgetting bits and pieces of the person. One wants to remember everything, which reminded me of how though I am so sad, it's wonderful that the memory of Mac is still fresh in my mind..and I guess once I start to lose some of that, I will have all the pictures and the home movies. Good thing.
The last night of our Grieving group, the leader sang this song..kind of fits in:

In the bulb there is a flower in the seed, an apple tree
in cocoons a hidden promise ; butter flies will soon be free
In the cold and snow of winter there's a spring that waits to be
unrevealed until its season something God alone can see.

there's a song in every silence seeking sword and melody
There's a dawn in every darkness bringing hope to you and me
From the past will come the future what it holds, a mystery
unrevealed until its season something God alone can see,

In our end is our beginning in our time infinity
in our doubt there is believing in our life eternity
In our death a resurrection at the last a victory
unrevealed until its season something God alone can see.

With all the talk about the refugees, about Parisians, about Terrorists, one would think that one man's life Mac's would not be so uppermost in my mind, well it is, but it makes me think that the lives of all these people, the refugees, the terrorists, and the people suffering they mean so much to someone too...how I can understand how they feel..and I feel for them...g'nite.

Monday, November 16, 2016 Words that haunt me still...

I have mentioned before, that Mac was a news hound - always checking the news, always watching the late night news, and reading every newspaper..and of course discussing the world events...not only with me but with his friends, who obviously didn't always agree with him. We all have our own opinions but today I was reading what Neil Macdonald (CBC) had to say - I could almost hear Mac's voice saying the same thing; and adding his usual saying "the chickens are coming home to roost"...

The following is an excerpt regarding what one should do about the Paris bloodshed:
"There is no Solomonic solution available, and, to make it worse, the brutal truth is that America's so-called coalition of the willing, which invaded Iraq on a false pretext, effectively created ISIS (which, unsurprisingly, has several of Saddam Hussein's former generals among its commanders).

The West sowed dragons' teeth, which grew into armed fanatics now bent on taking the battle back to the West. And ahead of them, massive rivers of miserable refugees are trudging toward Western soil.

We can pray for Paris to our hearts' content, and light up monuments in the colours of the French flag, and trade peace sign memes of the Eiffel Tower. But what Western militarism created cannot be sung or wished away.

As journalist Charles Pierce wrote in Esquire magazine the day after the Paris slaughter: "The retribution will be swift and harsh, as will the inevitable reaction, and as will the retribution for the reaction."
Hafez al-Assad and his Baathist colleague Saddam Hussein were both monsters. But compared to what the West unleashed on itself, they seem, in retrospect, like incarnations of stability."

He (Mac) and I should mention I, both agree with this summation..Obama has been on the t.v. another man Mac would watch..and comment on. I only wish he could, and I only wish we could have a solution as for sure bombing ISIS enclaves, seems to be the only solution ...really?? is there no way to bring stability by talking to ISIS at this point..is there any way of talking to idealist on their side..apologize for our past and theirs...I don't know for sure, but bombing??

I have an mp3 from many years ago - Mac talking to his friend Owen in Australia (Owen sent me the tape)...Oh how he went on about the problems of the world..and Australia's p.m. at the time.Jamica's Manley etc....I have a problem listening as it starts the deluge of tears, so I don't..I have even given away all of his political books...also his many poetry books and the poetry and politics of Ireland...The discussions were endless, and it seems that these discussions now so fruitless continue to be so among us there is no quick solution..I can only wish..
\
Today I had to miss my "Politics and Poetry" class (McGill) I would have discussed the Poet Amiri Baraka (1934-2014) These are the last 6 stanzas from the poem Somebody Blew Up America

Who make money from war
Who make dough from fear and lies
who want he World like it is
Who want the world to be ruled by imperialism and national
oppression and terror violence and hunger and poverty

Who is the ruler of Hell?
Who is the most powerful

Who you know ever
Seen God?

But everybody seen
The Devil

Like an Owl exploding
In your life I your brain in your self
Like an Owl who know he devil
All night, all day, if you listen, Like an Owl
Exploding in fire. We hear the questions rise
In terrible flame like the whistle of a crazy dog

Like the acid vomit of he fire of Hell
Who and Who and Who who who
Whoooo and Whoooooooooo

Sorry I had to miss this class..would have been so interested to hear the remarks after this last weekend when Paris saw the devil.

Friday, November 13, 2015 Wow ...Paris.....ooooh

This evening is so sad as I listen and watch what's happening to our fave city, Paris..The whole scene on T.V. is so horrific, apparently the latest news saying over 100 people have been killed in attacks around the city...I've tried to contact my cousin Hannelore to see if she is o.k. and just where she has been today...but she may be away...in any case this shocks the world..and everyone is saying why...who is responsible, so far ISIS has been blamed. We'll see, apparently the attackers have all been killed by the Paris Police...
I have seen some violence in Paris, but not like this, most of our time there has been so idyllic ...Mac just loved our time there, and I can remember how we walked the streets without any problem, and at night it was spectacular..We were there a few times and the last time we drove out of Paris and all around the coast where we saw Arromanch (sic) where we were reminded of the invasion, along the Normandy coast we saw the graves of soldiers from WW2..We even walked the beach of Dieppe and stayed in a B &B there. It was kind of funny we had 4 beds in our room, we only used one..what a laugh we had...the lady who ran the place, just loved Mac and saved a special breakfast just for him, as we had slept in..but she had it almost ready and when we came downstairs it was "votre dejuner et pret...monsieur Yeux Bleu"....I felt like saying hey what about me..but thought, oh well let her spoil him. No wonder he loved Paris and France, the French women are bold and flirty...

the violence I saw was between a man and his girl (seems he was a pimp or so the police said) it..was too awful, but in any case this is far far worse. That time I was with my mom. Mac was at home minding the family for me...anyway, Must get back to the t.v. now and check things out.

How terrible, one remembers France, especially listening to Remembrance Day stories, of WW2 just yesterday. In fact when we were in France we saw bullet holes in various places and these were from WW2..but going even further back in time, we saw how the people in France rose up against the elite and the royalty at that time, so much so that even today some of the statues of the Virgin Mary, Queen of the World (religious symbols) had the head chopped off..No majesty or symbols for the Revolutionaries of that time...

Well the news is back on, so I'll go and watch, how I miss Mac all the time especially times like this we were, or he was, such a news hound and always wanted to hear the latest, he would watch the news religiously as well as read the latest news in the papers. The New York Times being his favourite...

Mac, always said Wow, when we would land in Paris, or get off the ship crossing over from England...and I would just stand there and take deep breaths just loving the scene..and now ...we'll see g'nite.

Saturday, November 7, 2015 Time heals ...really??

I know so many people have said to me during this time of grieving, it gets better Jan, time heals...Well really, I think healing is kind of like saying you are sick and need to heal. I really don't want to get better, I know that I and others who go through grieving have to come to terms that the person we no longer have in our life is just that...no longer in our life. It doesn't mean that he/she is not in our thoughts, or in our dreams, or for that matter in everything we say and do..for sure they are.

They live on -we are their eternity. So many of the words I hear myself saying, are words that Mac has said ...some of them are not even that nice...like when I screw up some particular thing, I now swear worse than ever.. then say to myself, I can't believe I said that...then I have a little laugh and say "hello there Mac".

We, apparently, can reconcile ourselves with the thought and fact that our loved one is no longer with us..and there are some criteria for this reconciliation to take place. I have a long list, which is taken from "Understanding grief, helping Yourself to heal " (there is that word heal again)

I've read over this long list and the ones to explore where I am reconciling myself are..

1. A return to stable eating and sleeping patterns that were present prior to the death..

Hmmm..not really I don't sleep all that well, but then I never did in the eight years before he died, and I've gained weight since then, so maybe I'm eating more than I should be...well this one isn't too good, I'll look at a few more in the long list.

2.The capacity to enjoy experiences in life that are normally enjoyable...

Well, yes, but I find I am a little over the top when something strikes me as funny, I laugh maybe a little too loud, or too much, till I feel like I might start crying, but I really do get enjoyment..particularly from children, my own great grandchild Finlay just cracks me up. Today she said "you be the dragon I'll be the little girl"...Well I was such a good dragon, that she said..."hey wait, "I'll be the dragon you be the little girl".. Then I started to sing Puff the Magic Dragon, she said, "Good that's my favourite song"...We sang and skipped our way home from the park, near her new home...What fun, then I almost wept that Mac could not be with us...He would have loved that...so see there I go again.

3. The capacity to become comfortable with the way things are rather than attempting to make things as they were.

Well that is true, I am comfortable with the way things are..I know they will never be as they were...and the way they were was not always comfortable...Mac was not always happy, he was not well, and he was at times so lost..so would I want to make things as they were..no...So for that one I am definitely reconciled..so with that bit of improvement, I'll say g'nite.

Sunday, November 1, 2014 To your "big" toe......

It's been a lovely day, seeing my sweet great grandchildren, the loves of my life...but also I received a sweet reminder from my "own true Love" a kind of laugh from the past. Les sent along some of the stuff that thankfully he took home rather than have me throw it out.. when he sorted it all, there were some letters from Mac sent to me when I went with my mom to England. Though I could only read one, it was too overwhelming and heartbreaking to read any more, I did get a chuckle on the letter I read, because Mac had attached a card...this is what it said..

To Your "Big" Toe

I miss you too!!
"Left Ear"

Mac used to complain that I never stay still in bed, I move all around and even get my big toe in his left ear...

Of course the letter says much more, but I felt that the laugh I got did help me to go on with life, and thus the following poem that I received at the grieving group rings true...

You can shed a tear now that he is gone
Or you can smile because he has lived
You can close our eyes and pray he'll come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left

Your heart can be empty,
Because you cannot see him
Or can be full of the love
that you have shared

You can turn our back on tomorrow
And live for yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow
Because of yesterday

You can remember him and ache
That he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory
and let him live on

You can cry and close your mind
Be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what he would want
Smile, open your eyes
Love, and go on

Well I'm smiling through the tears...what a fun guy he was so I will smile and open my eyes...

Although for now I will go to bed, wishing I could bother his left ear...

g'nite.

Tuesday October 6th, 2015 Answer to an email -re Bermuda....

Hi Marge, Sorry took so long, Guess getting ready to go away, then being away (one week only) and now I'm back...has kept me busy plus the fact that my computer seems screwed up somehow as it says I have 84 emails, and I can't seem to get them, but did get yours..from Chioggia, Italy (never been there but sounds good.especially food etc).hope the weather is good. Speaking of food I've been enjoying that to a degree that is almost sickening, since Mac died I've gained 10 lbs and the cruise has really been the icing on the cake, or the fat on the nut, me...
It was a fun cruise, I hate all the getting to the cruise and getting off, plus my friend and I were so anxious to get off the assembly line of people getting off the ship, we didn't think about our luggage (I euphorically thought they put it on the bus for us - ha fat chance) so got the good news that we have to pay Fed Ex to ship our suitcases that were left on the pier in Boston ...I called today to tell them to go ahead and mail my case, naturally they are closed or something..so hope I get my suitcase sometime. Actually except for the few gifts, and my one cute dress, I'm not too concerned..can buy new stuff...I did buy myself a beautiful bracelet (pretended it was from Mac) luckily that was in my purse, thank God.
Bermuda is beautiful we loved the beaches but kept looking for pink sand, it seems to me it's only really pink when it's wet. (I brought some home )One of the funny things is that I went into the hot tub after swimming -sat beside a woman who asked where I was from, turns out she is from Kahanwake (native reserve next to Chateauguay), and was in my son's class in high school..out of 5000 people on the ship, there we were, and we met in another hot tub the next day...all very serendipity..someone said we had to meet for a reason..beats me I don't know the reason, maybe it will turn up... Another fun item, we got lost in Georgetown when the excursion bus driver told us we had one hour and half, we took a little longer and forgot where the bus was..and would you believe, we were kind of wandering along wondering what to do, when the bus was passing us the driver spotted the two delusional ladies and stopped - I said oh good this is where we were to be picked up... I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head.."lady he said, I just phoned the ship and they have sent someone to try and find you guys"...never a dull moment.
So all's back to normal, and I’m home happy and contented, not sure if I'll take another cruise, maybe with my kids, so they can look after me. Sounds good to them. Xxxjan.

Monday, October 26, 2015....Yes, I'm back ...

One week on the cruise ship went so quickly, and here I am back home again, and happy to be here, although there were some wonderful moments, some wonderful scenes and some wonderful people...I'm not sure if anyone reads this blog anymore, but it is a diary for me...and so I'm putting a few highlights from the Bermuda trip here.
#1. Anyone going on a cruise should realize it's a big big ship, learn where the most important places to you are located..it took my friend and I a week and by then it was time to go home..we spent so much time running around wondering are we mid ship, aft, port , hey where the heck are we.
#2. If you enjoy swimming - I do, go there at least once a day, get in the hot tub, really soak it up, enjoy...I missed the first two days as we were just getting used to the whole scene.
#3. Walk the promenade around the ship - it's at least a mile, you will walk off all the pounds you put on by eating at all the great restaurants, by the way the food is terrific. I managed to lose weight...walking at least 4 or 5 times around the ship..top and promenade decks - the views were super...the sun the water the people, just great.
#4. When going on a tour, listen to where you are supposed to meet, We did but then forgot...we were lost in Georgetown, missed the bus, and luckily it found us on it's way back to the ship..what luck!!! The ship's trip coordinator was not thrilled with us...we managed to be known as the pair that got lost...not exactly the way we wanted to be known.
#5. Check out the shows each night - where and when the ones you are really interested in will be, if you are like us, write it down,get there early enough..Trouble is everything is interesting and fun, we'd start to go somewhere and end up at a different place altogether..If you like casinos, go for it. I don't gamble too much, but my friend with my help had a blast..She won 3 bottles of champagne, 18$, and a bottle of chardonnay. She shared the champagne with the people who helped her to win and myself..great!!!
#6. Space yourself go for a quiet time to listen to good jazz, dance your head off on the top deck near the pool, have fun, and enjoy all the different people you will meet..especially unreal was getting in the hot tub and when the woman next to me asked where I was from, turns out she was from Kahanawake, was in the same class as my son in high school, and knew my son-in-law...then to top it off , I met her in another hot tub the next day..un-real..
#7.Make sure you read all directions, we thought we understood that by leaving our bags on the pier with the green tags, that meant they would be collected and put on the bus...WRONG...we were supposed to collect them, and the sign we thought was the woman leader was holding and telling us to get on the bus was right, but we should have had our suitcases with us..that was too bad, now our suitcases that are still in Boston, will be sent to us by FED EX....yikes..
All in all I think I'd go cruising again, but now I am a little wiser, I hope.
What would Mac say about all this...he'd say "I'd never take a cruise in the first place...it's just one big buffet"
We did take a cruise...on a freighter and we were two of only twenty passengers and it was great, we saw all outports on the north shore of Quebec, Mac enjoyed watching them load and unload the ship...I loved the wonderful different places that one never get's to even hear about, like Harrington Harbour..the place where Le Grand Seduction was filmed, in fact we met the director and actors in the film...a wonderful memory.
But This was a first voyage for me on a huge Luxury Liner,it was fun, not Mac's cup of tea..but life goes on, and though I missed him, I said hi each time I looked out at the wonderful sky and sea, and think I saw him and I think he saw me...g'nite.

Friday, October 16, 2015 I'm on my way.....kind of....

Sorry to hear about the problems re:B, but so terrific that you were able to get her into a place so quickly (2 weeks) and also good that you were able to sell the house so quickly..

who is able to visit her there? I know about her wish for Home.. Home is always the place all of us envision, it is just a word for her that means security and love. Actually I think every patient here says the same thing, as well as Mac when he was here. I used to say well you moved, you got married etc. but soon learned to say; you are right, probably be a good idea to go home tomorrow..Mac used to say, yes call my mom, I'd say, will do, as soon as I find her address and phone number...I think I can get a phone book tomorrow...it was sad knowing that this was not going to happen, but it gave him some peace which was really all he really needed at the time. I am now going through the same scenario with my friend's mom, who lives in the building behind this one, that whole building is a Place D'acueille (Welcome Place) for Alzheimer's, imagine 8 floors of patients...it's truly unreal. I go there to give my friend a bit of respite about 2 x a month.

When I think of it, I realize that we all have an ideal place in our mind which is home. It might not be the home we had but one we envisioned or wished we had. I even go on google and look at my old home on Champagneur - I loved my home and my parents, and even the street, (and even still love the little boy I minded there) it makes me happy to see the people who have it now have kept it up and it still looks o.k.,sad to say my little friend Greta's place looks, awful, it was so nice when we lived there. The yard is there with a miserable fence around... Also, I was looking to see if the United church was there, but no ..

That disease is so so terrible, we have a lady on our floor who has to be moved down to a lockdown floor, where she can walk around the hallway- leave her room door open. Three times this week I have helped her in various ways, one of the main things is she can't remember which door is her's, plus where she is, her family doesn't seem to realize she should not be left alone, it's unreal. The sister always says to me, you must understand she has Alzheimer's, hello, I know, but what the sister doesn't know is that even though a preposee takes her to the three meals a day, she is a lost person, she needs someone to be with her, to have a radio on, or t.v. and have someone talk to her between meals. I suggested they get a person to stay with her, but the sister says, I come at least 2 x a week to do her washing, make sure she is alright...She is not alright, and it's lucky that the three times this week, I've been able to take her to her own door, open it with her key, which she forgets is around her neck on a cord..then the poor woman just kind of walks around in the apartment, sits down and looks out the window.

Anyway, I'm talking to the converted...so maybe I'll put this on my blog for some who can pass it on to those who need to know..

The good news is that I'm leaving tomorrow with a group we'll go on a bus to Boston, then we board a cruise ship for Bermuda will be back next Friday...not sure if I'm all that keen, but will be a good change for me, I hope..xxx g'nite

Saturday, October 10, 2015... The cottage at the lake....

The closing of the cottage..the yearly Fall activity and the first one without Mac, how sad,... there were the fantastic colours , all the leaves, the reds, the yellows,the orange and the greens..the lake glimmering in the sunlight. I walked through the woods stepping over and on them,(the leaves) by myself...

I watched the geese flying back home, said "goodbye see you next year"...and wishing I could say with him as we used to...well wishing won't make it so.

The lake, it's still a great place, but it's not the same for me..and maybe it's not the same for the family It's also the first time there were only a few of us, and though we did the jobs with the same energy, somehow not the same spirit..and I thought of the poem that I received last week at the Grieving Group...

The Elephant in the Room - by Terry Kettering

There's an elephant in the room
It is large and squatting, so it's hard to get around it
Yet we squeeze by with "how are you? and "I'm fine..
And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter
We talk about the weather
We talk about the work
We talk about everything else...
Except the elephant in the room
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds
For you see it is a very big elephant
It has hurt us all
But we do not talk about the elephant in the room
Oh, please , say his name.
Oh please, say "Mac" again
Oh please, let's talk about the elephant in the room
For if we talk about his death
Perhaps we can talk about his life.
Can I say "dad" to you and not have you look away
For if I cannot
then you are leaving me alone
in a room
with an elephant.

Les showed me the watch he keeps in his pocket now, it's Mac's watch, he said it's an early watch dad had. Les said it's an Indigo
and then I walked on, with the elephant of a lump in my throat. So although we did say a little bit...we will say more...

Tonight I'm thinking of the song Night and Day and how I think of him all the time, day and night - night and day at home and at the lake well is it all the time..no it's not, but it is underlying what I say and do - do I laugh, well yes I do I laughed really hard today at something.. wish I could remember so I could laugh again.

O.K. I'll think of the many many laughs I had with Mac, how subtle some times his jokes were, and how so many of them were on me.. or funny things our sweet grandkids said and did.

Tomorrow, Sunday, Thanksgiving day, I will read the book mark that I used to read to him at breakfast - when he felt he was not doing well..I'd say
You are Special Mac..I can't stop thanking God for you. (Ephesians 1 16

Somehow saying that made him really laugh, but it is so true, because for sure, I do thank God for him. and so g'nite

Friday, October 2,2015 Surprize.....

I am finally getting into movies again. While looking after and being with Mac all those years..movies did not make sense to him, we rarely even watched t.v. Music was IT, and in all forms...so now it's my time - I guess. I have been to one movie, and have now watched two movies at home. So a couple of nights ago decided ok. time to see what Mac taped on VCR In his day he taped so many movies on VCR so when we were moving here, I forget just who, said we might as well throw these out, nobody uses a VCR anymore. BUT, just in case I thought, I'll take a few..I didn't even bother to look at the names. Just threw some of the VCR's into a bag. When we moved here I put them on the shelf in the storage room and forgot about them.

Fast forward to Wednesday, of this past week, around four-thirty...decided to have a look. and there was this label Surprize. Well perhaps I thought, I've seen this before, but it's been at least ten years since Mac looked at movies or taped any, so I certainly didn't remember.

Well how sweet it was. I got so involved there was a tape of beautiful snow falling outside our house in Chateauguay...trees were covered with ice and snow making such a beautiful tapestry of Winter ..the scene then moved to Toronto..again more snow..and surprise, my mom's apartment, my mom and I talking to each other, in sign language of course. Mac took me through the halls and the stairs and out the door...the next scenes were wonderful he had put various Christmas tapings, Halloween, and even a tape of my dear friend Jos, talking to us...she has died since then what a treat to see her, and to see Mac, talking and playing with the grandkids.

But, Now it was getting to be quite hard and as my tears started to fall, decided to take a break, wow, six thirty, just in time. The exact time I was being picked up by a friend to attend a grieving group..how appropriate..as I surely was grieving but in a rather amazing way.

I could only say Thanks Mac - what a lovely Surprize (that's how he spelled the word)
These are the words that ended our grieving session that night:-

I give you this one thought to keep...
I am with you still ...I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift, uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars that shine at night
Do not think of me as gone
I am with you still - in each new dawn...

A native prayer. thanks Mac and g'nite.

Saturday, September 26, 2015 We'll meet again...?

Today took a little trip to Mount Royal, to meet one of my friends, enjoy a beautiful Fall day..and also to do something that is important to me..and that is to bury some of Mac's ashes up near Beaver Lake. Why there?? Well I think I mentioned that there were three places that were in our hearts Our cottage on Lake Hughes, sitting on a bench right here in Lachine looking out on Lake St. Louis, and sitting looking out on Lac des Castor or Beaver Lake right on Mount Royal in Montreal, there is a fourth place too, and that is the bench outside St. Stephen's Church in Lachine.

Although we had not been on Mt. Royal for a couple of years...it was our good friend Carolyn in 2013 (I Think) who encouraged us to go there to enjoy a wonderful day when Mac was able to do that..That day brought back memories to both Mac as although he had the big A and he did have memories of skiing on Mt. Royal,and walking around the Lake. He kind of remembered how in later years, we celebrated our Anniversaries by going to Schwartz Deli on St. Laurent then driving up to Mt Royal to have a picnic lunch of Smoked Meat. At that time, we would talk about our teen age years walking by this lake, it was our city/country place, in a way, when we were kids, and what fun it was.

So today I met Carolyn - and before we got together, I quietly put some of the ashes under a tree overlooking the lake. All this might seem rather strange, maybe even weird to some, but it does something for me, which is all good.

So now the next thing I will do with the last of the ashes is put some in the Church yard, this in a way is more appropriate as there is a cemetery there as well. I am also thinking of putting a plaque to mark the place which will be more traditional - and that will end it all. Although Diane my other friend wants me to keep a few ashes in a pendant to wear around my neck..on thinking it over, that is not going to happen. I am not good with necklaces, I have arthritis in my neck and so that will really kind of bother me. Never has Mac been a bother, well on second thought..hmm.just joking..we bothered each other and t'would be great to be bothered again.

Another friend Elaine wants to give me Vera Lynn singing We'll meet Again...well maybe we will ....

All my friends and family are so supportive and helpful, I'll end this blog with these words that Ginny gave me to keep and read....by Kahil Gibran from The Prophet:-
Then Almitra spoke again and said,
And What of marriage, master?
And he answered saying:
You were born together,
and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together
when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together
even in the silent memory of God.

g'nite.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015 Is this my room...

Well, I'm still connected in so many ways to Alzheimer's - both through friends who have it right here in my Residence, and through the friends I made in the Alzheimer's Caregivers Group. So when a friend wrote to tell me about a woman we'll call N. who is quite sad ..as she is going through this kind of scenario...her husband has been placed in a Residence for Alzheimer Patients. Each time she visits she becomes so sad as he says over and over "who do I have to apologize to, to get out of here"..He thinks he is a little boy and in punishment - perhaps he thinks he has been put in his room" this is what I wrote in reply:-

I Know what N. is going through, I belong to an Alzheimer Care Giver Group, the Alzheimer Society has several throughout the city and lakeshore area…I lucked into a fantastic group of people. That was in 2007—08 after about a year it was obvious that some of us connected and wanted to be there for each other outside of the once a month meeting…At first we met for about 6 x once a week, we were led by a super person an Alz. Nurse who was caring and understood in depth the disease and the ramifications, she handed out all kinds of reading material which we read and discussed etc. Anyway..7 of the 12 are still together to this day….3 of us have lost our spouses…the 7 include one man… …his wife died shortly after Mac die. All this is to say that if N. can join a group like that, she should, it is so good…
We call ourselves (the 7 of us) the S.S. (secret society) We have laughed and cried as we talk about washing our spouses in bathrooms in restaurants..(I have washed the floors in several – not to mention my friend’s home) We talk about how we deal with what your friend’s husband says..i.e. the "who should I apologizer to... this is how we would answer…that…

”True sweetie, I guess you should apologize, but there isn’t anyone there to do that, I’ve looked, so we’ll just have to make the best of it..this is your home now..I’ll bring some of our pictures etc etc.

As a matter of fact, I’m going through this again, with my friend’s mom (my friend J is one of the SS) her mom is in a bldg. right behind the park which is right behind my bldg. Her mom says the same thing every time I go over (I help J once in awhile – stay with her mom from 6:30 till 8:00)she will say... is this my room no it’s not, I should go home now..I always answer.."Gee right, you should go home, but it’s too dark, and it’s too far to the bus stop now, so I think this is a really good home, in fact look it’s your own lovely bedspread…and your t.v. etc etc….she then kind of looks and says oh yes so it is...She is such a sweet lady, I help to get her to the bathroom she is tall and stout, but thankfully she can hold on to a walker while I just have to assist her. She has fallen but thank God not when I’ve been there.
This is probably more info than you bargained for, but perhaps you can pass it on to N.…I’m not sure if it will help, but one never knows till they try. The techniques I use were gained slowly and from the A. group and the nurses on the 2nd floor.

If Mac were still alive, he would gradually have been too ill – and would die the way many do on the 2nd floor, that is, not able to eat, and starve – I used to see that…it was awful, I think how wonderful that Mac was able to enjoy music while the aide dressed him, he stood up and did a little dance to the music, sat down on the bed and said, “I’m so tired”, laid his head down on his pillow, and just went to sleep (died).

But how I miss him and wish he were still here-but it’s not to be, and so life must go on….and on..so we all have to make the best of it..and enjoy the time we have left, right?..I love that N. is taking tap dancing lessons, …hurrah..thats’ the way to go…buffalo and slap ball change...she will probably know what that means..ha..

Doing things for others is great, but for sure doing things to help yourself cope is important...so to make sure, looking after yourself is not only helping you, but the person who is ill, make a set time and take time look for ways to make your own day brighter...even if it is only watching fun tv..Also look for ways to both enjoy - even if it is just walking, that was our way to enjoy.

Now I walk alone, but he is there, in the sunshine sparkling on the water...g'nite.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015... stop resisting change....

Well yesterday had a good but general conversation (on the phone) with a close friend of mine, now living in the U.S. - then went on to report the conversation by email to another friend. At one time the three of us were very close, we grew up together and married around the same time, and now we are all apart. Now both friends live in the U.S.

In the email I wrote: Happy to say, she was coherent, on target, and great to speak to..but one could see that she would have good and bad moments…she was not able to use the computer to any great extent (which is sad as she was once so computer savvy). Is in a small kind of wheelchair, she says it’s called a transfer chair. But obviously she uses it all the time.

She was so sorry to hear Mac had died, said “dear Mac of the sparkling eyes” and then commented on how we were all getting there, so true. I told her you and Tom were in Calif. She sounded a bit on target there, but I know that she didn’t seem to take it in. but on the whole she was good, saying the kind of things that were easy, like “this place is perfect for us..we get great meals, they have two serving times, and it is a lovely location..etc.” altogether a good conversation, but I don’t expect she will call back or get into conversations about politics, or what is happening now for example she would have been the first to talk about the Syrian Crisis…oh well, we’ve all had a good life, and so must not get all sad about things that I can’t do anything about.."

Well the whole conversation and email put me in mind of a special day-long meeting ...sort of on Changes in Life. The leader said we should "stop resisting change"
Change of paths and passing on to new ones is the way it is and one must be open to change...fear, insecurity and doubt are part of this process and one should realize that "control" is an illusion - trust the God or spirit within us"
He gave a brochure with some interesting insights, which I think I will share in this and another blog later..but this one kind of poem speaks to me right now.
"Change Alone is Unchanging"
Whosoever wishes to know about the world
Must learn about it, in it's particular details
Knowledge is not intelligence,
In searching for the truth, be ready for the unexpected
Change alone is unchanging,
The same road goes both up and down,
The beginning of a circle
is also its end.
Not I, but the world says it:
all is one
Ad yet everything comes in season.
- Heraklietos of Ephesos

What we call a beginning is often the end,
And to make an end is to make a beginning
The end is where we start from.
We shall not cease from exploration,
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started,
And know the place for the first time.
-T.S. Eliot

In other words "be the change you wish to see in the world"
Is that it I wonder.well those were words that I'm still pondering,
g'day...

Saturday September 12, 2015 goodbye again.....

I have just buried in a shallow little grave, some of Mac's ashes. This time just behind the bench where we loved to sit to look at the lake. As I write these words, I'm sitting under his umbrella, lost mine at the Treasures Sale - today - at the Teapot.
It is misty and raining, joining the tears that I'm shedding. The ashes are almost depleted, I'm saving some to put beside the bench in St. Stephen's Church yard. The bench he would sit on, rather than come in to church. There he would sit and wait for me..no church for Mac, till much later, or when it was just too cold..he would sit in the very last row with me.
This is not the kind of day he would like - but it's perfect for me, for the way I feel. I am alone this time and I'm wondering if the ashes I saved should be buried at the park in St. Henri, where he spent some of his early days...and perhaps also at the park on Mt. Royal...I'm not sure if I'll ever get there. So I'll have to think about that. Funny, the bench I'm sitting on has only one bit of graffiti, and that is the word T H I N K, o.k. I will, but later, as now the rain is really coming down, so goodbye again Mac.
These were the words I wrote after digging and putting the ashes in - then covering them with earth twigs, and a branch with berries..not sure what kind, maybe choke cherries giving the little grave a bit of colour..
As I walked home in the rain, I thought change your tears think about what to prepare for Maureen's birthday..tomorrow..It's a nice thought and an even nicer thought was of how we (Mac and I) planned her birth..I wonder if my deceased friend, Rita's son, Bryn knew how he inspired us - when he was just a tiny baby..After having three daughters, we thought..hmmm, maybe now we will have a boy..well it was not to be ..but we did have the most beautiful little baby girl. This little baby gave not only her dad and I such joy, but a baby that the whole family played with,and just loved...What a wonderful gift she was.. maybe I should put the story of how we planned each one of our children..that way I will be able to write without tears.so I'll THINK some more about that too. g'nite.

Monday, September 5, 2015 He didn't even remember.......

Today I visited a woman whose husband had died recently. Her husband had the big A. and sad to say her memories are just that ..sad. She remembered that he did not know who she was, he got violent, he hit her, he couldn't control his bowels and on and on...I tried to encourage her to remember the good days, in fact, even I remembered how he would say "where is mother". Mother was of course herself, which I thought was rather sweet of him.

She had a young girl which she paid to look after him, even when she was with him. At the over 55 Club, she would talk to her friends and he was usually with the girl, and he would ask for her, and was at the time quite reasonable and calm. So I reminded her of this, but she just could not seem to remember, she said, your husband was very good and calm, but my husband was not. He didn't remember me.

Well this reminded me of my little conversation up north with one of our neighbours just this past weekend. So I told her of the conversation. This neighbor gave me her condolences as she said she had tried to reach me when Mac died, but could never seem to connect. We chatted about the sad fact of how so many of the neighbours up at the lake have passed on.

She then said "you were so wonderful with your husband. I understand he didn't even remember who you were by the end, that must have been so so sad."..I said that he didn't know who I was is, to me, kind of ridiculous of course he perhaps didn't know my name, but I wasn't so wonderful, because I KNEW HIM. We were married for 63 years and more, he knew me in a way that did'nt require my name, he knew I was someone who KNEW him. That is the important part. I could continue to love him and he felt the love, he returned that love..and would be so happy and smile when I came in the room. When I laughed, hugged and talked to him it showed that I was completely at home and did not need to have him say my name. If he said, "I should go home to my wife", I would say, Yes of course, and then say she will probably call you later. Then he would forget and be content.

There was a time when I made the mistake of saying "I am your wife". well that was upsetting for him, he didn't believe me. No matter what I said, it only made him agitated and start to get rough, pushing me away. One time I got the nurse to come. He dealt with it so well. He said to Mac, come show me where your wife lives. We were downstairs in the lobby at the time. So he went outside the building with Mac, told me to go up to the apartment. I was too nervous to go up but stood away from the door and watched. I was hoping he would not give him a shot of something to calm him down; which was a possibility. All of a sudden they walked back in the building, and walked straight to the elevator. I followed along behind and went in another elevator, Mac didn't notice.

When I got to our apartment, I heard the nurse say, oh look there is your cat, I guess your wife is here too. As I followed them in, he turned and said, yes here she is...and Mac said, "right, there she is"...and was completely calm and content. That was one of the many times I learned that one should just try to go along with the thoughts of the person with the big A. try not argue or contradict.

What the nurse had done was take him outside walk around just a few steps away turn him around, and say I think she lives in this building and walk Mac right back into the same building. Gaye our daughter learned this earlier than even I did, and so often when I would try to reason with him, I'd say, let's phone Gaye, she will tell you. Then Gaye would say, you are right Dad, but I guess you will have to wait or some such thing to make him calm down over whatever was bothering him, but always letting him feel he was o.k. in control and not completely wrong.

So yes he didn't even remember me exactly, but I remember and I remember so many wonderful times, the day has 24 hours, and the few hours that he was agitated, upset, mad, or even at times violent, were minimal compared to the many, many, hours of hugs, kisses, and love that we shared - we shared the same apartment, the same food, the same bed and the same love, and that will always be remembered. so g'nite.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015 Time after Time

The days are beautiful, the sun is so warm, and as I listened to the waves lapping the shore, I realized that I haven't put Mac's ashes at this very bench where we used to sit together. I will do that before summer finally say's goodbye..and perhaps by then I will be able to say goodbye too. Will that ever happen.. August 22nd I thought I said goodbye, when we, as a family, buried his ashes these were my words to one of our favorite songs

Time after time, I tell myself that I'm so lucky to have been in love with you
So lucky to be the one you came home to see in the evening when the day was through.
I only know what I know, the passing years have shown,
We kept our love so young, so new,
And time after time, I tell myself that I'm so lucky to have been in love with you.

Then I continued with.
Mac you were my best friend, my booster in just about everything I did. Always there for me, no matter what,
and these were the words I wrote when you looked after me when I broke my shoulder, arm and wrist.
He is my good left or right arm, the careful helpful man
The shoulder to cry on, the news and town crier, the cook and the charmer, the lover, the mother
These roles intertwined, the heart ever mine.

So I will
Think of all the beauty still left around and be happy,
Because...
We are the rememberers, the people left behind
to keep the one whose gone from us
alive in heart and mine
We are the people left
To cherish and preserve a legacy
Yes we are the rememberers

those last words, are so true. So not really goodbye but to remember in dreams as I sleep.. so g'nite.

Friday, August 28, 2015.. Gonna take a sentimental ....

The past Tuesday, I took a sentimental journey to Prescott, Ont. Have never been there before, but I went with my friend to visit her cousin Pat. Pat lives in a Residence for Seniors with ailments, BUT, not the big A. The sad thing is that apparently Pat has a type of Dementia, (frontal lobe type) and the staff there are unable to look after her, so she will have to move. In the meantime she is there till she can be placed.

Well it was quite a nice little town and the reason for the sentiment in my case was that my sister used to say she liked small Ontario towns, so decided I'd see one for myself, and it was a neat place with Ontario type houses - red brick - large verandahs, lovely big trees and gardens..after looking around the town - got back to the residence in time to go out for lunch with my friend Ginny and her cousin. It was interesting, as I noticed how well Pat seemed. No too obvious Alzheimer shuffle or behaviours, although her meat had to be cut for her - but other than that, she was able to discuss old times with us and sing some old Girl Guide songs (this in the car).

When we returned from lunch, we watched and listened to a man singing and entertaining ...when he sang the song Gonna take a Sentimental Journey..both Pat and I danced together and our voices took off, as we got to the part Seven that's the time we leave at seven...and so with leaving in mind, that's what we did as we kind of danced our way to the front door. Altogether a wonderful time with a really pleasant lady.

So it was rather a surprise when Ginny informed me that Pat rarely spoke to anyone except Ginny herself, and Pat's good friend who usually visits but at this time the good friend is recovering from an operation-actually Ginny is really taking the good friend's place. Ginny said, I guess it's because you were so natural with her, ..I said "she seems to be so on-target, and not too agitated and although she repeatedly asked for her good friend's whereabouts, for the most part she was fine" (how many times have I heard people say that about Mac )

Turns out and like Mac,...she was not so fine..When she had to be bathed, Ginny played some quiet music to soothe her while she helped the nurse's aide, undress her, then when Ginny stepped out to let the aide continue...apparently all hell broke loose,and the aide came out saying.."you can finish cleaning her - she is swearing and hitting me. I won't put up with that rudeness..So Ginny went back, and finished the job. And there you have it frustration. The same old story, of course knowing the person well is the big key..but

When will nurses and nursing aides have training with elderly people suffering from all types of dementia..Yesterday, another friend told me of her visit to a really aged friend (100 yrs old). She went on to say the nursing aide, was rough, and almost cruel in the way she handled the old lady. Then she added, "you know it's not as if she has Alzheimer's or a type of dementia, she is normal and so clean." Well there's two things we can see here..Really elderly people are unable to be assertive, are weak and often weak voiced. Workers seem to take out their anger or their dislike of the work on these vunerable souls..but secondly, there is the unspoken thought..if one has Alzheimer's its o.k. to be rough or cruel..after all they are scary they get violent..they really have to be put away.
This attitude for both types of elderly peoples has got to change..and the change has got to come through education..of nurses, nurses aides, and the general public. Remember everyone get's old or hopes to; also, it doesn't take a genius to know that it's up to us to make the changes..wherever we can.
I'm suggesting to my friend Ginny, and my other friend that they should take steps - 1. Talk to the Administration when they see this type of attitude. 2. If the nurse or nurse-aide, preposee or whoever exhibits this in front of you..make it clear that you will not accept this and say I will help you to understand, and try to change the scene ..and if it can't be changed..tell whoever that "sorry but this has to be reported."

We had a Corn roast yesterday..I had one cob of corn and had to leave but I noticed all the preposees were having a good time, they seemed to be dancing to the music provided, and at the same time helping to serve the elderly from the buffet table. Well when I spoke to 90 yr old Line tonight, she said I will never go to one of those affairs again, no one helped me, no one brought me any food, and no one even pushed my wheelchair to a table..I could see it would be difficult as The place was very crowded and I could see where this can happen. BUT, tomorrow I will make a suggestion that each preposee be responsible for helping a certain amount of patients and see to it that they do get to be able to enjoy. Maybe nothing will change, but at least I will have the satisfaction of knowing I did try to make a difference.. that may happen to me some day..hey I'm not getting any younger!!! g'nite.

Tuesday, August 25, 05 Life goes on.....here's to you Granmac

We said our goodbyes - Mac's ashes were buried up north at our cottage on the lake...Saturday August 22, 2015. I'm just going to write here the lovely words that our granddaughter, Rosemary said and following her words and mine, each person in the family put some earth over the ashes and so life goes on....

Rosemary's Eulogy

Here's to you Granmac-Mac-Gordon-Sonny Boy
to your gleeful days running obliviously along cars in St. Henri parades
teasing, charming and running with the boys
to your days at the beach and dancing nights with your future wife
a girl in distressed waters - bathing suit ripped
a laugh in the theater - both on different dates
oh the games
you and your twinkling eyes - a beautiful man
This is only some of what I know of you then.
Here's to you Granmac - Mac - Gordon Sonny boy
father of five
who was REALLY there and who would be forever if you could be.
Strategically placing marbles on the foot of a child's bed
doubling daughters on bikes,
Everybody's man.
This is only some of what I know of you then.
MY memories:
dancing-faces-bouncing a bearded man making a great hullaballoo
parading in singing line up the stairs singing put to bed,
on the dock at the lake I was grumpy, I was 2 or 3,
Don't be grumpy with granmac they told me.
"It's ok. Just let her be" you say chuckling eyes on me still twinkling
We're left together there as we sit in silence, water lapping
and we let each other be, No forced conversation.
You always let me be.
Car rides in the double O seven and hard white mints
mornings up North bright and early, I could hear you in the living room, next to the hearth
phumph! phumph! phumph!
You got the fire going first thing and then the coffee
Then crosswords in the sunroom
In the morning light we would watch the blue jays on the feeding line
and laugh at the chipmunks and squirrels attempting to do the same.
Later we would go to the shed and get some whole peanuts to offer up to Chippy who bit you once.
but you laughed about it and forgave him
You came ferociously around the bend of the cottage,-angry bushman "Who broke the oar!? You roared. The boys scattered and I froze. Wildly looking about eyebrows furrowed and entangled.
defeated tromping back off into the woods grumbling under your breath
(what a moment)
Batting bees out of my hair with great purpose.
An impressive temper, but also an impressive capacity for all emotions
Being secretive, I hid in the back seat of our car parked in the woods. Your moment with your son, Where you collapsed on his shoulder when your sister died. I peered and didn't make a sound until the two of you were gone
That moment in the woods, Those moments in the woods,
You and your twinkling eyes - a beautiful man
This is only some of what you were to me
Here's to you
forever you will be.

Beautiful words from a beautiful granddaughter. g'nite

Wednesday, August 19, 2019 Don't know if these blogs....

I'm wondering if these blogs that I've been writing are helping anyone else other than me, but I do think the words are uplifting. Here is another poem enclosed in a sympathy card...

The setting of the Sun

The glory of the setting sun
that paints the evening sky
Reminds the heart
that life holds so much more
than meets the eye
And like the golden sunset
When a loved one leaves this earth
Each tear that falls reminds us
just how much life is worth
For in our hearts the golden glow
of memory shines bright
spreading hope and comfort
through the shadows of the night
And in this way your heart may find
the strength to see you through
In cherishing the memories
that mean so much to you.
This was from Audrey, I think of the time it took her and all the other friends and relatives, to buy a card and look for the words that mean so much to the receiver (myself and family) and then to add a poem or a personal letter, it's, well it's so appreciated..maybe some readers may do the same for others. I will certainly try to do that too..even a short one like the following....

An Olde Irish Wish
May the raindrops fall lightly on your brow
May the soft winds freshen your spirit
May the sunshine brighten your heart
May the burdens of the day rest lightly upon you
And may God enfold you in the mantle of his love

I know that the Irish seem to love sending these blessings and wishes, as for Mac his love of poetry came from William Blake and Yeats - too bad I didn't save his books, when we moved there were just too many and I went beserk with packing and sent them all off, now I do regret that I didn't save the poetry,,but then of courses there is Google..can always find those poems.
We love Irish poetry and especially the music. In memory I can still see Mac with a tear in his eye when a tour bus driver stopped the bus in a park in Belfast, talked about the troubles, and then said, but this song though it isn't even Irish is as Irish as it gets and then went on to sing Danny Boy....Must look on google to see just who did write that song...wow that really did it to Mac, and what a voice the bus driver had..just wonderful..well I'm going to check it out. g'nite

Monday, August 17, 2015 Comforting words.....

Well another few thank-you cards to the many friends who donated to the big A Society in Mac's memory, as well as to those who I did not or was unable to thank personally...and for those I have lost their address, I hope they read this. Thanks again - I am now able to read the cards and they are terrific, thanks for all the comforting words.

Thanks to Kathy for this one
Beannacht
(Blessing)

On the day when
the weight deadens
on your shoulders
and you stumble
may the clay dance
to balance you

And when your eyes
freeze behind
the grey window
and the ghost of loss
gets in to you
may a flock of colours
indigo, red, green
and azure blue
come to awaken in you
a meadow of delight

When the canvas frays
in the coracle of thought
and a stain of ocean
blackens beneath you
may there come across the waters
a path of yellow moonlight
to bring you safely home

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
may the clarity of light be yours.
may the fluency of the ocean be yours,
may the protection of the ancestors be yours
and so may a slow
wind work these words,
of love around you
an invisible cloak
to mind your life.

this lovely poem was written by the Irish poet John O'Donahue upon the death of his mother. and as Kathy says she finds it comforting, and reassuring, certainly very Celtic
A coracle is a small boat made of canvas common in old days in Ireland, Scotand and Wales. I think O'Donahue is referring to it's fragility.
Kathy goes on to say you can hear this poet read on you tube. He died much too soon in 2008, but his writings are rich treasures that live on - and as K. saiys much like my memories of Mac

Thanks Kathy ...and Love. g'nite.

Friday, August 15, 2015 Dance me to the end of Love....

It's 12:30 a.m. I was in bed sleeping, or almost asleep, then became wide awake, with trying to remember different times in our lives, Mac's and mine. I have been coasting along fairly well, holding up, as they say for the past couple of weeks, but tonight I just seemed to lose it. Up searching through old pictures, old journals, old papers, crying as I watched the power point Gaye made, to the tune of Lenard Cohen's Dance me to the end of Love and trying to find - who knows what..I guess trying to find Mac.
Perhaps it was seeing him in a home movie at my daughter Maureen's home last night. There he was in the movie, about ten years ago. Sitting there, talking, holding our grandson Noah, who at that time was about two years old. Casually Noah was trying to feel Mac's beard. It was kind of funny to see and even as I write this I smile through my tears - so sweet, such a precious memory.
Today met with two good friends, Kathy and Roger, and there was Roger with a beard, almost like Mac's, Kathy said "doesn't he remind you of Mac, with his white curly hair and white beard, although he doesn't have Mac's piercing blue eyes." No he didn't remind me of Mac, well maybe the beard, but I was fine with thinking about that...then a strange thing happened. Kathy bit on a hard toffee type cookie and one of her front teeth jumped out on the table. Well this certainly turned the conversation away from Mac into where and how could Kathy get to a dentist..in the end she decided to wait till they returned home to N.B. but that started another memory for me tonight, .along with the corn on the cob I had for supper,..

and that was thinking about the first time Mac came for dinner at my place after about a month or two of going steady, there was my mom, dad, Mac and I, he was very shy and quiet (age 18 I think)when he bit into his corn on the cob and wow, his four front teeth which were false jumped right out of his mouth onto his plate. Well he was so embarrassed, I remember, how I couldn't help it, I burst out laughing, my mom was embarrassed for him, my dad was kind of stifling his laugh..but in the end it kind of broke the ice. Mac laughed as he put his upper plate back in his mouth. Dad told about one of his own episodes with his false teeth, my mom told of another...and the evening was quite a success with dad and mom just liking Mac so much. (and of course - I was still enthralled with him- even without his teeth he was so handsome)
Mac had another funny time with his teeth when we were at Plattsburg Beach - not too long after the first episode. This time we were jumping and diving in the waves when Mac came up with no front teeth. This also ended on a good note as the couple we were with (Don and Marge) and myself quickly started diving to see if we could find the teeth, I think in the end it was Don who found them. Very soon after that Mac went to his denturolgist who happened to be his brother-in-law Joey...and got the dental plate fixed properly.
So how good is that, as right now, I'm happily remembering, and my tears have stopped hurrah, so I'll go to bed with a smile. Thanks Kathy, hope you get a new tooth soon. g'nite.

Friday, August 15, 2015 Dance me to the end of Love....

It's 12:30 a.m. I was in bed sleeping, or almost asleep, then became wide awake, with trying to remember different times in our lives, Mac's and mine. I have been coasting along fairly well, holding up, as they say for the past couple of weeks, but tonight I just seemed to lose it. Up searching through old pictures, old journals, old papers, crying as I watched the power point Gaye made, to the tune of Lenard Cohen's Dance me to the end of Love and trying to find - who knows what..I guess trying to find Mac.
Perhaps it was seeing him in a home movie at my daughter Maureen's home last night. There he was in the movie, about ten years ago. Sitting there, talking, holding our grandson Noah, who at that time was about two years old. Casually Noah was trying to feel Mac's beard. It was kind of funny to see and even as I write this I smile through my tears - so sweet, such a precious memory.
Today met with two good friends, Kathy and Roger, and there was Roger with a beard, almost like Mac's, Kathy said "doesn't he remind you of Mac, with his white curly hair and white beard, although he doesn't have Mac's piercing blue eyes." No he didn't remind me of Mac, well maybe the beard, but I was fine with thinking about that...then a strange thing happened. Kathy bit on a hard toffee type cookie and one of her front teeth jumped out on the table. Well this certainly turned the conversation away from Mac into where and how could Kathy get to a dentist..in the end she decided to wait till they returned home to N.B. but that started another memory for me tonight, .along with the corn on the cob I had for supper,..

and that was thinking about the first time Mac came for dinner at my place after about a month or two of going steady, there was my mom, dad, Mac and I, he was very shy and quiet (age 18 I think)when he bit into his corn on the cob and wow, his four front teeth which were false jumped right out of his mouth onto his plate. Well he was so embarrassed, I remember, how I couldn't help it, I burst out laughing, my mom was embarrassed for him, my dad was kind of stifling his laugh..but in the end it kind of broke the ice. Mac laughed as he put his upper plate back in his mouth. Dad told about one of his own episodes with his false teeth, my mom told of another...and the evening was quite a success with dad and mom just liking Mac so much. (and of course - I was still enthralled with him- even without his teeth he was so handsome)
Mac had another funny time with his teeth when we were at Plattsburg Beach - not too long after the first episode. This time we were jumping and diving in the waves when Mac came up with no front teeth. This also ended on a good note as the couple we were with (Don and Marge) and myself quickly started diving to see if we could find the teeth, I think in the end it was Don who found them. Very soon after that Mac went to his denturolgist who happened to be his brother-in-law Joey...and got the dental plate fixed properly.
So how good is that, as right now, I'm happily remembering, and my tears have stopped hurrah, so I'll go to bed with a smile. Thanks Kathy, hope you get a new tooth soon. g'nite.

Friday, August 15, 2015 Dance me to the end of Love....

It's 12:30 a.m. I was in bed sleeping, or almost asleep, then became wide awake, with trying to remember different times in our lives, Mac's and mine. I have been coasting along fairly well, holding up, as they say for the past couple of weeks, but tonight I just seemed to lose it. Up searching through old pictures, old journals, old papers, crying as I watched the power point Gaye made, to the tune of Lenard Cohen's Dance me to the end of Love and trying to find - who knows what..I guess trying to find Mac.
Perhaps it was seeing him in a home movie at my daughter Maureen's home last night. There he was in the movie, about ten years ago. Sitting there, talking, holding our grandson Noah, who at that time was about two years old. Casually Noah was trying to feel Mac's beard. It was kind of funny to see and even as I write this I smile through my tears - so sweet, such a precious memory.
Today met with two good friends, Kathy and Roger, and there was Roger with a beard, almost like Mac's, Kathy said "doesn't he remind you of Mac, with his white curly hair and white beard, although he doesn't have Mac's piercing blue eyes." No he didn't remind me of Mac, well maybe the beard, but I was fine with thinking about that...then a strange thing happened. Kathy bit on a hard toffee type cookie and one of her front teeth jumped out on the table. Well this certainly turned the conversation away from Mac into where and how could Kathy get to a dentist..in the end she decided to wait till they returned home to N.B. but that started another memory for me tonight, .along with the corn on the cob I had for supper,..

and that was thinking about the first time Mac came for dinner at my place after about a month or two of going steady, there was my mom, dad, Mac and I, he was very shy and quiet (age 18 I think)when he bit into his corn on the cob and wow, his four front teeth which were false jumped right out of his mouth onto his plate. Well he was so embarrassed, I remember, how I couldn't help it, I burst out laughing, my mom was embarrassed for him, my dad was kind of stifling his laugh..but in the end it kind of broke the ice. Mac laughed as he put his upper plate back in his mouth. Dad told about one of his own episodes with his false teeth, my mom told of another...and the evening was quite a success with dad and mom just liking Mac so much. (and of course - I was still enthralled with him- even without his teeth he was so handsome)
Mac had another funny time with his teeth when we were at Plattsburg Beach - not too long after the first episode. This time we were jumping and diving in the waves when Mac came up with no front teeth. This also ended on a good note as the couple we were with (Don and Marge) and myself quickly started diving to see if we could find the teeth, I think in the end it was Don who found them. Very soon after that Mac went to his denturolgist who happened to be his brother-in-law Joey...and got the dental plate fixed properly.
So how good is that, as right now, I'm happily remembering, and my tears have stopped hurrah, so I'll go to bed with a smile. Thanks Kathy, hope you get a new tooth soon. g'nite.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015...Some wise words ....

As I'm going through the many, many cards, letters,and messages of donations to the Alzheimer Society, I am receiving some help from the wise words I've received:-

From the Book No Death, No Fear - by Thich Nhat Hanh Buddhist Monk

This body is not me, I am not caught in this body,
I am life without boundaries
I have never been born and I have never died
Over there the wide ocean and the sky with many galaxies
All manifest from the basis of consciousness.
Since beginning time I have always been free
Birth and death are only a door, through which we go in and out
Birth and death are only a game of hide and seek
So smile to me and take my hand and wave good-bye
Tomorrow we shall meet again or even before
We shall always be meeting again at the true source,
Always meeting again on the myriad paths of life.

This and many other messages I received are really worthwhile, and although I'm not always sure about the whole piece, I feel a real link with the
thoughts....

I have been contemplating moving away to another residence, and have looked at several other apartments. Somehow it doesn't work, he is here, and as I wake up in the morning, walk through the apartment, see the wonderful windows all around (amazingly 3/4 of my walls are window from top to bottom) letting in boundless light..of which Mac commented on every single day I say to myself..why move, he is here with you; and even if you are alone the sunlight warms your heart and you can hear him saying, "Just look at that sun, isn't I beautiful." And it is..
The day before Mac died he was so happy looking at the sunlight that poured through the doors windows and huge skylight of our lobby, smiling and almost completely on target. Jackie the girl who was coming in for her shift on the front desk at four o'clock, said "I'm taking a picture of you two happy lovers - you look great" and she did. I love the picture as she sent it to me that night..although he is thin, eyes rather sunken he has a great smile and apparently that's how he was the morning he died.

Debbie his caregiver during my respite times, also loved this happy smile and she gave me a framed picture she took of us, it is now also my profile pic on facebook. For a time I could hardly look at these pictures or read the cards but I am moving on, and so...
I will continue to put some of the really different and thoughtful messages I've received on this blog..I hope they will help others as well.
One of my friends, Ron, from our support group, was thinking about a Grief Support group, his wife died...we will look into that. but in the meantime, I am using the messages and it has given me courage as well as happy memories...and so it goes g'nite