Easter Monday, and the beat goes on...I went out to return my dvds and book in the library slot ...and perhaps make it to the pharmacy, but the wind and rain drove me right back home. At first I thought it might whisk me off to the land of OZ ...but on second thought realized it would probably whisk me onto the road, what a wind my umbrella went right inside out...but Easter Saturday was fun, the following is what I wrote to my neice who emailed me to know about our Easter weekend.
Just returned home from Maureen’s where we celebrated 4 birthdays (actually we usually celebrate 5 bd’s but Jacob is in Calgary, darn), and of course celebrated Easter. Little Finley and I did an egg search for each other…I was the bunny rabbit then she was..and she got to keep all the eggs, ha. So after too much chocolate, and food, came home and rolled around the house putting stuff away, got some lovely Easter flowers, plant, chocolate, and mixed nuts, enough to last till next Easter… oh boy, need it like a hole in the head…oh well.
Today would have been the day Mac went to Laura Secord's Chocolate Store, to buy half price Easter cream filled Eggs. We would give small ones to the kids for the real Easter day, and then buy the big ones after Easter..Each night after we'd watch the CBC news taking small slices of the Cream filled Eggs, savoring each morsel. I did buy the small ones and as I'm typing I'm pretending I'm not eating one.
I'm the only one in the family who still goes to Church Easter Sunday, or any Sunday for that matter; I always wonder as I go in to church, why I still go, and somehow before I leave I always have the answer; for sure it is not the people who I think I've mentioned many times are the friendliest and most loving; but who can say what overcomes me as I take the wine and the wafer, what makes me fill up with call it happiness, I really don't know, but it's there. So does this mean I BELIEVE unconditionally not really, I question, and I reject so much. We discussed this (my son-in-law, daughter Gaye and myself) on Easter day.
She told me of something she learned from Jehovah Witness person, they do not wear a cross on a chain or believe in having the cross, because as they said, if your father got killed by a gun, would you wear a gun on a chain around your neck...well hmmm. Then on the other hand maybe some would I'm always amazed at the people who tattoo themselves with some of the most violent scenes...or hang a spoon around their neck, cocaine believers???
A united church woman minister has quite a following in her church, they are all unbelievers, looking to believe kind of thing. She was interviewed on CBC, and some say she said she was an Atheist, I didn't hear the interview, but will get it online. In that case so are the people who go to the Unitarian church, wonder why if that is the case she doesn't go there, will have to find out.
Well all this to say, Easter has given me food for thought (other than Chocolate)...It looks like the rain is letting up, so have a good day, bye...
Monday 28 March 2016
Monday 21 March 2016
Monday, March 21, 2016 Still Alice....Still Mac
Many moons ago, when we discovered that Mac had Alzheimer's and was well into it. I was asked by my daughter Gaye to join a group - a support group - for those who live with people who have Alzheimer's disease. This was really a good step to take, and one I've appreciated so much over the years...since then, which is actually about nine years or so now.
We, the twelve of us in the group, all had someone in our family - mother, father, sister, brother, husband or wife with the dread big A. We received many papers outlining what we were going through, we were there for twelve weeks, each week gave us new and better understanding of the disease.
One of the suggestions, was that we should read the book, Still Alice.
Well I did buy or get the book from the library, can't really remember, but what I do remember is that I could not get through the second chapter...it was too much to read what we were going through.
I felt that why should I go through the trauma of reading what was happening, and although I didn't know what would happen exactly in the future, I and Mac had a pretty good knowledge and it really wasn't pretty.
So I would not read the book, although the leader felt that the person reading the book would have a deeper understanding of what the person with the Big A. was going through.
I as asked many times, did you read the book, Still Alice...my reply was always, no but I probably will read it. Then the movie Still Alice came out,various friends and relations, called me to say the acting in that movie was super, they had understood so much more about the disease, and really recommended the movie.
For different reasons, i.e. I was living through the disease with Mac, secondly why should I watch someone else, I was able to see this up front and personal. plus by then I knew many others with the disease, spoke to so many in the support group, and again did not go to the movie.
Well yesterday, in the library where I borrow films I saw "Still Alice", well Mac has been dead a year now. I still see people with the bit A. but it's not something that causes churning in my tummy, it is something that I help others with and seem to have a handle on things, so I decided to borrow the movie, and tonight decided to at last, sit down and watch the movie.
Well for sure the actress, Julianne Moore was terrific, she definitely "delivers a Career defining performance", well so much so, that just seeing her start to realize she was forgetting, words, where she was, and then begin to start checking things carefully, my tummy began to get those fluttery kind of butterfly feelings, but I tried hard to just ignore, and say, this is a movie, this is what is happening to Alice, get on with it and relax.
Then came the place in the movie where she decides to open up to her husband and say she is seeing a neurologist and he thinks she has the beginning of onset of Alzheimer's even though she is really much younger than the average age for getting the disease. Her husband says, "impossible"...precisely what Mac said, when he was first diagnosed, and when he was referred to a neurologist.
When Julianne in her role screams and starts to cry out to her husband, listen to me, it's true, ..that's when I lost it...and said right out loud in my apartment here without anyone to say it to. What am I doing I don't need this..and turned the movie off.
I think my many friends whose parents, husbands, wife,who have and are still going through this sad time, must have something I don't have..because some of them have recommended the movie to me in the past. Some have seen the movie earlier or later in the disease, how strong they are, as I could not take it.
In fact just last Thursday, I went to a Sugaring Off Party at a Cabana Sucre with the Retired Teachers Group. One of the teachers said, "this is such a break for me, my husband is in "Heron House" (An assisted living Residence) he has alzheimers. Twice a week I go to help him eat. Some times he knows who I am, some times he doesn't, sometimes he can eat by himself, other times he can't. Just yesterday, I had to help him eat he didn't know what to do with his fork. " I am so happy that we have placed him where he gets the help he needs"
The same thing happened to me as when I started the book and watched the movie..my tummy started to churn, I was about to cry, so had to move away, saying to myself, I don't need this.
Now, I have no problem with being with the people with the big A. right here in the building, or helping my friend's mom, Alma, over in the building in the back of us. I don't understand what I'm going through, but I know it has to do with just how deeply it hit when Mac was ill in the first few months, I guess I just start to relive...and for sure I don't need it.
Writing about it right now, has helped, I've gotten rid of the heavy feeling, and the sadness I felt and at time still feel for Mac. I really want to remember the happy times, even when he was ill, because for sure there were more good times with him ill than bad..and though I wouldn't want him back with the illness, I surely am so happy we had those years together, becauses he was Still Mac...
We, the twelve of us in the group, all had someone in our family - mother, father, sister, brother, husband or wife with the dread big A. We received many papers outlining what we were going through, we were there for twelve weeks, each week gave us new and better understanding of the disease.
One of the suggestions, was that we should read the book, Still Alice.
Well I did buy or get the book from the library, can't really remember, but what I do remember is that I could not get through the second chapter...it was too much to read what we were going through.
I felt that why should I go through the trauma of reading what was happening, and although I didn't know what would happen exactly in the future, I and Mac had a pretty good knowledge and it really wasn't pretty.
So I would not read the book, although the leader felt that the person reading the book would have a deeper understanding of what the person with the Big A. was going through.
I as asked many times, did you read the book, Still Alice...my reply was always, no but I probably will read it. Then the movie Still Alice came out,various friends and relations, called me to say the acting in that movie was super, they had understood so much more about the disease, and really recommended the movie.
For different reasons, i.e. I was living through the disease with Mac, secondly why should I watch someone else, I was able to see this up front and personal. plus by then I knew many others with the disease, spoke to so many in the support group, and again did not go to the movie.
Well yesterday, in the library where I borrow films I saw "Still Alice", well Mac has been dead a year now. I still see people with the bit A. but it's not something that causes churning in my tummy, it is something that I help others with and seem to have a handle on things, so I decided to borrow the movie, and tonight decided to at last, sit down and watch the movie.
Well for sure the actress, Julianne Moore was terrific, she definitely "delivers a Career defining performance", well so much so, that just seeing her start to realize she was forgetting, words, where she was, and then begin to start checking things carefully, my tummy began to get those fluttery kind of butterfly feelings, but I tried hard to just ignore, and say, this is a movie, this is what is happening to Alice, get on with it and relax.
Then came the place in the movie where she decides to open up to her husband and say she is seeing a neurologist and he thinks she has the beginning of onset of Alzheimer's even though she is really much younger than the average age for getting the disease. Her husband says, "impossible"...precisely what Mac said, when he was first diagnosed, and when he was referred to a neurologist.
When Julianne in her role screams and starts to cry out to her husband, listen to me, it's true, ..that's when I lost it...and said right out loud in my apartment here without anyone to say it to. What am I doing I don't need this..and turned the movie off.
I think my many friends whose parents, husbands, wife,who have and are still going through this sad time, must have something I don't have..because some of them have recommended the movie to me in the past. Some have seen the movie earlier or later in the disease, how strong they are, as I could not take it.
In fact just last Thursday, I went to a Sugaring Off Party at a Cabana Sucre with the Retired Teachers Group. One of the teachers said, "this is such a break for me, my husband is in "Heron House" (An assisted living Residence) he has alzheimers. Twice a week I go to help him eat. Some times he knows who I am, some times he doesn't, sometimes he can eat by himself, other times he can't. Just yesterday, I had to help him eat he didn't know what to do with his fork. " I am so happy that we have placed him where he gets the help he needs"
The same thing happened to me as when I started the book and watched the movie..my tummy started to churn, I was about to cry, so had to move away, saying to myself, I don't need this.
Now, I have no problem with being with the people with the big A. right here in the building, or helping my friend's mom, Alma, over in the building in the back of us. I don't understand what I'm going through, but I know it has to do with just how deeply it hit when Mac was ill in the first few months, I guess I just start to relive...and for sure I don't need it.
Writing about it right now, has helped, I've gotten rid of the heavy feeling, and the sadness I felt and at time still feel for Mac. I really want to remember the happy times, even when he was ill, because for sure there were more good times with him ill than bad..and though I wouldn't want him back with the illness, I surely am so happy we had those years together, becauses he was Still Mac...
Monday, March 21, 2016 Still Alice....Still Mac
Many moons ago, when we discovered that Mac had Alzheimer's and was well into it. I was asked by my daughter Gaye to join a group - a support group - for those who live with people who have Alzheimer's disease. This was really a good step to take, and one I've appreciated so much over the years...since then, which is actually about nine years or so now.
We, the twelve of us in the group, all had someone in our family - mother, father, sister, brother, husband or wife with the dread big A. We received many papers outlining what we were going through, we were there for twelve weeks, each week gave us new and better understanding of the disease.
One of the suggestions, was that we should read the book, Still Alice.
Well I did buy or get the book from the library, can't really remember, but what I do remember is that I could not get through the second chapter...it was too much to read what we were going through.
I felt that why should I go through the trauma of reading what was happening, and although I didn't know what would happen exactly in the future, I and Mac had a pretty good knowledge and it really wasn't pretty.
So I would not read the book, although the leader felt that the person reading the book would have a deeper understanding of what the person with the Big A. was going through.
I as asked many times, did you read the book, Still Alice...my reply was always, no but I probably will read it. Then the movie Still Alice came out,various friends and relations, called me to say the acting in that movie was super, they had understood so much more about the disease, and really recommended the movie.
For different reasons, i.e. I was living through the disease with Mac, secondly why should I watch someone else, I was able to see this up front and personal. plus by then I knew many others with the disease, spoke to so many in the support group, and again did not go to the movie.
Well yesterday, in the library where I borrow films I saw "Still Alice", well Mac has been dead a year now. I still see people with the bit A. but it's not something that causes churning in my tummy, it is something that I help others with and seem to have a handle on things, so I decided to borrow the movie, and tonight decided to at last, sit down and watch the movie.
Well for sure the actress, Julianne Moore was terrific, she definitely "delivers a Career defining performance", well so much so, that just seeing her start to realize she was forgetting, words, where she was, and then begin to start checking things carefully, my tummy began to get those fluttery kind of butterfly feelings, but I tried hard to just ignore, and say, this is a movie, this is what is happening to Alice, get on with it and relax.
Then came the place in the movie where she decides to open up to her husband and say she is seeing a neurologist and he thinks she has the beginning of onset of Alzheimer's even though she is really much younger than the average age for getting the disease. Her husband says, "impossible"...precisely what Mac said, when he was first diagnosed, and when he was referred to a neurologist.
When Julianne in her role screams and starts to cry out to her husband, listen to me, it's true, ..that's when I lost it...and said right out loud in my apartment here without anyone to say it to. What am I doing I don't need this..and turned the movie off.
I think my many friends whose parents, husbands, wife,who have and are still going through this sad time, must have something I don't have..because some of them have recommended the movie to me in the past. Some have seen the movie earlier or later in the disease, how strong they are, as I could not take it.
In fact just last Thursday, I went to a Sugaring Off Party at a Cabana Sucre with the Retired Teachers Group. One of the teachers said, "this is such a break for me, my husband is in "Heron House" (An assisted living Residence) he has alzheimers. Twice a week I go to help him eat. Some times he knows who I am, some times he doesn't, sometimes he can eat by himself, other times he can't. Just yesterday, I had to help him eat he didn't know what to do with his fork. " I am so happy that we have placed him where he gets the help he needs"
The same thing happened to me as when I started the book and watched the movie..my tummy started to churn, I was about to cry, so had to move away, saying to myself, I don't need this.
Now, I have no problem with being with the people with the big A. right here in the building, or helping my friend's mom, Alma, over in the building in the back of us. I don't understand what I'm going through, but I know it has to do with just how deeply it hit when Mac was ill in the first few months, I guess I just start to relive...and for sure I don't need it.
Writing about it right now, has helped, I've gotten rid of the heavy feeling, and the sadness I felt and at time still feel for Mac. I really want to remember the happy times, even when he was ill, because for sure there were more good times with him ill than bad..and though I wouldn't want him back with the illness, I surely am so happy we had those years together, becauses he was Still Mac...
We, the twelve of us in the group, all had someone in our family - mother, father, sister, brother, husband or wife with the dread big A. We received many papers outlining what we were going through, we were there for twelve weeks, each week gave us new and better understanding of the disease.
One of the suggestions, was that we should read the book, Still Alice.
Well I did buy or get the book from the library, can't really remember, but what I do remember is that I could not get through the second chapter...it was too much to read what we were going through.
I felt that why should I go through the trauma of reading what was happening, and although I didn't know what would happen exactly in the future, I and Mac had a pretty good knowledge and it really wasn't pretty.
So I would not read the book, although the leader felt that the person reading the book would have a deeper understanding of what the person with the Big A. was going through.
I as asked many times, did you read the book, Still Alice...my reply was always, no but I probably will read it. Then the movie Still Alice came out,various friends and relations, called me to say the acting in that movie was super, they had understood so much more about the disease, and really recommended the movie.
For different reasons, i.e. I was living through the disease with Mac, secondly why should I watch someone else, I was able to see this up front and personal. plus by then I knew many others with the disease, spoke to so many in the support group, and again did not go to the movie.
Well yesterday, in the library where I borrow films I saw "Still Alice", well Mac has been dead a year now. I still see people with the bit A. but it's not something that causes churning in my tummy, it is something that I help others with and seem to have a handle on things, so I decided to borrow the movie, and tonight decided to at last, sit down and watch the movie.
Well for sure the actress, Julianne Moore was terrific, she definitely "delivers a Career defining performance", well so much so, that just seeing her start to realize she was forgetting, words, where she was, and then begin to start checking things carefully, my tummy began to get those fluttery kind of butterfly feelings, but I tried hard to just ignore, and say, this is a movie, this is what is happening to Alice, get on with it and relax.
Then came the place in the movie where she decides to open up to her husband and say she is seeing a neurologist and he thinks she has the beginning of onset of Alzheimer's even though she is really much younger than the average age for getting the disease. Her husband says, "impossible"...precisely what Mac said, when he was first diagnosed, and when he was referred to a neurologist.
When Julianne in her role screams and starts to cry out to her husband, listen to me, it's true, ..that's when I lost it...and said right out loud in my apartment here without anyone to say it to. What am I doing I don't need this..and turned the movie off.
I think my many friends whose parents, husbands, wife,who have and are still going through this sad time, must have something I don't have..because some of them have recommended the movie to me in the past. Some have seen the movie earlier or later in the disease, how strong they are, as I could not take it.
In fact just last Thursday, I went to a Sugaring Off Party at a Cabana Sucre with the Retired Teachers Group. One of the teachers said, "this is such a break for me, my husband is in "Heron House" (An assisted living Residence) he has alzheimers. Twice a week I go to help him eat. Some times he knows who I am, some times he doesn't, sometimes he can eat by himself, other times he can't. Just yesterday, I had to help him eat he didn't know what to do with his fork. " I am so happy that we have placed him where he gets the help he needs"
The same thing happened to me as when I started the book and watched the movie..my tummy started to churn, I was about to cry, so had to move away, saying to myself, I don't need this.
Now, I have no problem with being with the people with the big A. right here in the building, or helping my friend's mom, Alma, over in the building in the back of us. I don't understand what I'm going through, but I know it has to do with just how deeply it hit when Mac was ill in the first few months, I guess I just start to relive...and for sure I don't need it.
Writing about it right now, has helped, I've gotten rid of the heavy feeling, and the sadness I felt and at time still feel for Mac. I really want to remember the happy times, even when he was ill, because for sure there were more good times with him ill than bad..and though I wouldn't want him back with the illness, I surely am so happy we had those years together, becauses he was Still Mac...
Wednesday 16 March 2016
Tuesday, March 16, 2016 St. Patrick's Day tomorrow...
I'm thinking about the St. Patrick's Day, and how we used to enjoy the parade..we, Mac and I, sometimes went to the two parades, one in Chateauguay and the one downtown. Sometimes the weather was great and sometimes we froze, but always it was a fun time. At that time we would go down memory lane, Mac would say imagine my dad actually went in the parade with the St Thomas Aquinas Contingent. He said that his brother John rode a horse in the parade...I wonder??? Did I dream that one. We have a picture of his dad wearing real shamrocks on his jacket, we assumed that was when he was in the parade. All this Irish stuff was what sent us off to Ireland to check out Mac's family tree...SURPRISE, we discovered that it seems that there was more of a Scottish background. Who knew??
In the end we think that there was an Irish ancestor and that by the time Mac's grandfather was born the family had moved to Aberdeen in Scotland for work, as that's the place where we found some background information. Mac could not get enough solid information as to his grandfather's birth record, though we did see his name in the records, could not get his birth record..
Maybe one day, one of the family will investigate further. In any case, the McConnell's always seemed to be part Irish rather than Scottish..no one spoke about St. Andrews Day, but I remember St. Paddy's was the big celebration.
Not being Irish I would go along for the ride, and celebrate like all the other Quebecers who become Irish for the day. BUT, my big moment came a few years ago when my good friend Margaret Healy became the first Woman to lead the Parade as Grand Marshal...and big thrill, she came and shook our hand as she walked along the parade route with all the other dignitaries with their top hats green ties, and shamrocks, what a great day for the Irish Women ha..
One of the fun songs Mac's gang from St. Henri used to sing as they all rode their bikes to Pine Beach in Dorval (where I met Mac) was this one
The English Live on St. George's Street
The French they live in Cote St. Paul
But the Irish you can't beat cuz on old St. Patrick Street.
Every nation has it's treat in Montreal
So if you come from the land of the Shamrock
Where killarney's lake's are blue
Then sing a song and make a fuss
Wherever you are you're one of us
If you're Irish, this is the place for you....
Who does your laundry
O'Reilly O'really I really mean it
Don't take my shamrock away....
I may have the lyrics mixed up, but they were a crazy gang, and they sure had fun. I have pictures and many memories of the gang and how great it was to meet that boy ...Mac...
My dad was afraid I may marry him, (and of course I did) how happy he was to find out that though Mac was Irish(or so we thought) he was not Catholic. Of the seven children in the family, the first four (I think) were brought up Catholic, the last three Protestant, luckily Mac was the baby of the family and so was a Protestant, much to my dad's relief. Now I'm the only one in our family that continued to go to church, well hey I think I'm the only one
left ...oh no Mac's first cousin Mabel is still alive and she is Catholic, she still goes to Church....Have to check to see if she thinks she is of Irish decent.
Mabel is ninety years old.. Think it would be a good idea to phone her tomorrow and wish her a Happy St. Patrick's day..I'll be celebrating at a Cabana Sucre...so Happy St. Paddy's day to you all.and a ,g'nite.
In the end we think that there was an Irish ancestor and that by the time Mac's grandfather was born the family had moved to Aberdeen in Scotland for work, as that's the place where we found some background information. Mac could not get enough solid information as to his grandfather's birth record, though we did see his name in the records, could not get his birth record..
Maybe one day, one of the family will investigate further. In any case, the McConnell's always seemed to be part Irish rather than Scottish..no one spoke about St. Andrews Day, but I remember St. Paddy's was the big celebration.
Not being Irish I would go along for the ride, and celebrate like all the other Quebecers who become Irish for the day. BUT, my big moment came a few years ago when my good friend Margaret Healy became the first Woman to lead the Parade as Grand Marshal...and big thrill, she came and shook our hand as she walked along the parade route with all the other dignitaries with their top hats green ties, and shamrocks, what a great day for the Irish Women ha..
One of the fun songs Mac's gang from St. Henri used to sing as they all rode their bikes to Pine Beach in Dorval (where I met Mac) was this one
The English Live on St. George's Street
The French they live in Cote St. Paul
But the Irish you can't beat cuz on old St. Patrick Street.
Every nation has it's treat in Montreal
So if you come from the land of the Shamrock
Where killarney's lake's are blue
Then sing a song and make a fuss
Wherever you are you're one of us
If you're Irish, this is the place for you....
Who does your laundry
O'Reilly O'really I really mean it
Don't take my shamrock away....
I may have the lyrics mixed up, but they were a crazy gang, and they sure had fun. I have pictures and many memories of the gang and how great it was to meet that boy ...Mac...
My dad was afraid I may marry him, (and of course I did) how happy he was to find out that though Mac was Irish(or so we thought) he was not Catholic. Of the seven children in the family, the first four (I think) were brought up Catholic, the last three Protestant, luckily Mac was the baby of the family and so was a Protestant, much to my dad's relief. Now I'm the only one in our family that continued to go to church, well hey I think I'm the only one
left ...oh no Mac's first cousin Mabel is still alive and she is Catholic, she still goes to Church....Have to check to see if she thinks she is of Irish decent.
Mabel is ninety years old.. Think it would be a good idea to phone her tomorrow and wish her a Happy St. Patrick's day..I'll be celebrating at a Cabana Sucre...so Happy St. Paddy's day to you all.and a ,g'nite.
Wednesday 9 March 2016
Tuesday, March 09, 2016...passing our markers....
Found an old journal from 1988, Reading the page marked January 10th I read how I was moaning about the fact that in our cross country skiing through the Pine Woods between our place and Kahanawake just across the road at that time...We, Mac, two other friends and myself had passed our markers and got lost on three different occasions. I wrote, we'd have to update the markers, and make them clearer as by the time we got home we were absolutely frozen and exhausted.
I went on to write how lovely the woods were, and mentioned again, how we must make sure to upgrade the markers as the ribbons and trees we used from former years were gone just like some old friends that seemed so much a part of our lives had moved away or died...but friends, and newer ones are there still and of course my best friend and lover, Mac is here; he, like the woods is ever-changing and ever interesting.
Well that last line really threw me, I'm sure when I wrote those words, I never thought for a moment that I'd be reading them on the eve of the day that marked his dying March 09, 2016.
Life then was all about our children, our young grandchildren, how busy we were, I was on a sabbatical leave from teaching..We were planning the year - travel to the UK and Europe, how wonderful it all was, even mentioned how lucky we were to have each other. I even still had my mom at that time and made a vow to make her more a part of our life, as she was losing her sight, her best friend had died, my dad had been dead for many years by then..so the pages turn and so do our lives.
Now mom is long gone, and many of my friends as well..I miss them, but never could I ever imagine how much I would miss my dearest and closest friend, husband, lover, father of our children my Mac.
Tomorrow, these children, now adults, and some of our grandchildren will join me in remembering their dad, and grandfather. We will enjoy our memories, and be so happy that we had him, we will laugh at his crazy ways, admire his wise ways and always know how wonderful was his loving heart, for us, his wife and family. g'nite.
I went on to write how lovely the woods were, and mentioned again, how we must make sure to upgrade the markers as the ribbons and trees we used from former years were gone just like some old friends that seemed so much a part of our lives had moved away or died...but friends, and newer ones are there still and of course my best friend and lover, Mac is here; he, like the woods is ever-changing and ever interesting.
Well that last line really threw me, I'm sure when I wrote those words, I never thought for a moment that I'd be reading them on the eve of the day that marked his dying March 09, 2016.
Life then was all about our children, our young grandchildren, how busy we were, I was on a sabbatical leave from teaching..We were planning the year - travel to the UK and Europe, how wonderful it all was, even mentioned how lucky we were to have each other. I even still had my mom at that time and made a vow to make her more a part of our life, as she was losing her sight, her best friend had died, my dad had been dead for many years by then..so the pages turn and so do our lives.
Now mom is long gone, and many of my friends as well..I miss them, but never could I ever imagine how much I would miss my dearest and closest friend, husband, lover, father of our children my Mac.
Tomorrow, these children, now adults, and some of our grandchildren will join me in remembering their dad, and grandfather. We will enjoy our memories, and be so happy that we had him, we will laugh at his crazy ways, admire his wise ways and always know how wonderful was his loving heart, for us, his wife and family. g'nite.
Sunday 6 March 2016
Sunday, March 6, 2016, The sun is glorious....
Trying to be upbeat is not too hard when he sun streams into our windows..I still say our, as this is, to me, still OUR place. I have just signed a new lease for our apartment. To some of my friends they say -"well Jan you really should move on...this apartment holds too many sad memories, and there are so many people with problems in this building. Others say, look it suits you, it's beautiful, your view is great, you are near the library, a shopping center, bank, and not that far from your beloved lake.
Well both sides of the coin are true..and so when it came time to renew my lease this March, I kind of went to one side of the coin, i.e. it's time to move on. I have to get a new outlook on life, see new people, get into a new (to me) place. Then I would go to the other side, the staff, and many people here know me. I'm enjoying the close proximity to the new library, in fact I've even joined a new book group which meets in the evening once a month, right at the library next door, how convenient is that. I'm not that far from the lake where the Teapot, the yoga, zumba and so many other activies take place..why bother with the bother of moving.
So I did it, I renewed my lease, with the idea that okay, next year if I'm finding the walk down to the lake (takes me 15 minutes on good days)too much, I'll move to a residence closer to the lake.. The residence I'm thinking of really has some advantages, along with being closer to the lake, it also houses some friends that are able to play scrabble, has better food service and a small pool..so it is there for me, so now it's think about it for next year...
Well for the friends in this building, Alice, my almost blind and very old friend, who remembers my dear Mac. She is the one who says I don't let them clean the mark on the wall there, as that's where Mac's chair used o scrape..she always says "that's Mac's mark". The preposees who still hug me, the wonderful woman who was the first woman priest of the Anglican church, who still at the age of 91, plays piano, makes her own dresses, writes papers for seminars at McGill and so on and on..and my newer friend Lina partially blind, who tells me stories, and with whom I commiserate as we wonder how things will be when her family place her husband in a facility away from her. Also my neighbours on this floor who are with it but ailing in various ways..these friends are all quite happy I'm staying on...so that's it
Now, it's a Sunny Sunday, and time to get ready for church, where I will sit in the pew where Mac and I both sat..I will pass his ashes that are outside in the churchyard under his bench..and I will get on with the day, my life and Thank God, The sun is Glorious...solong...
Well both sides of the coin are true..and so when it came time to renew my lease this March, I kind of went to one side of the coin, i.e. it's time to move on. I have to get a new outlook on life, see new people, get into a new (to me) place. Then I would go to the other side, the staff, and many people here know me. I'm enjoying the close proximity to the new library, in fact I've even joined a new book group which meets in the evening once a month, right at the library next door, how convenient is that. I'm not that far from the lake where the Teapot, the yoga, zumba and so many other activies take place..why bother with the bother of moving.
So I did it, I renewed my lease, with the idea that okay, next year if I'm finding the walk down to the lake (takes me 15 minutes on good days)too much, I'll move to a residence closer to the lake.. The residence I'm thinking of really has some advantages, along with being closer to the lake, it also houses some friends that are able to play scrabble, has better food service and a small pool..so it is there for me, so now it's think about it for next year...
Well for the friends in this building, Alice, my almost blind and very old friend, who remembers my dear Mac. She is the one who says I don't let them clean the mark on the wall there, as that's where Mac's chair used o scrape..she always says "that's Mac's mark". The preposees who still hug me, the wonderful woman who was the first woman priest of the Anglican church, who still at the age of 91, plays piano, makes her own dresses, writes papers for seminars at McGill and so on and on..and my newer friend Lina partially blind, who tells me stories, and with whom I commiserate as we wonder how things will be when her family place her husband in a facility away from her. Also my neighbours on this floor who are with it but ailing in various ways..these friends are all quite happy I'm staying on...so that's it
Now, it's a Sunny Sunday, and time to get ready for church, where I will sit in the pew where Mac and I both sat..I will pass his ashes that are outside in the churchyard under his bench..and I will get on with the day, my life and Thank God, The sun is Glorious...solong...
Tuesday 1 March 2016
Tuesday, March 1, 2016,,,you are my raison d'etre
This is the month that Mac died last year...He used to say "you are my raison d'etre but I now know that he was really my "reason to be"..Every day I realize that more and more..I'm fortunate, in that I've got many friends both male and female, and I have so much support, life is never dull..
yet underlying everything I do I think of Mac, and try to think what he would say or do about whatever I'm up to. Sometimes as I get ready for bed and look at his picture, I laugh and say, well I really goofed today, or I say when will I realize I'm an old lady, and stop dancing ...stop trying to carry heavy things, stop trying to do my yoga or zumba as well as the young teachers..then I flop in our bed and try to decide which side I should lie on, wishing there is only one side - the one beside him.
Yesterday I bent a nice guy's ear telling him all about Mac, how crazy - he must have wished he'd never offered to drive me home from our group at the Teapot (an over 55 club). That's how it is, I join different activities that stretch my body, or my mind and then there is no Mac to bounce the ideas or the thoughts that are there.
I would so love to hear what he would say about what's happening in the U.S. re the presidential candidates ( if one could say that Trump was a candidate?? unreal)..I have an mp3 received from an old friend who saved a tape of Mac speaking about elections in Jamaica, and in Australia..wonder what he'd say about this one...I could take a few good guesses... but they would never really hit the mark.
Strange even though he had Alzheimer's and was not - so called with it, I remember how with it at times he was, and of course my mind goes back to before those sad ending years to the conversations, travels etc we had throughout our marriage.
Just recently returned from a lovely vacation in Florida..which reminded me how we would walk along the beach, body surf in the waves, then Mac would read the latest news from the Florida papers, and discuss the news, and finally just lie on his towel, going so dark never ever getting a burn...we would say, we should stay here for a month, but by 8 days, he and I would be happy to return to our own place in the sun.
Well I am happy to be back in my own place, where I can feel even closer to my family, my cat Mischa...and my sweet memories of Mac so g'nite.
yet underlying everything I do I think of Mac, and try to think what he would say or do about whatever I'm up to. Sometimes as I get ready for bed and look at his picture, I laugh and say, well I really goofed today, or I say when will I realize I'm an old lady, and stop dancing ...stop trying to carry heavy things, stop trying to do my yoga or zumba as well as the young teachers..then I flop in our bed and try to decide which side I should lie on, wishing there is only one side - the one beside him.
Yesterday I bent a nice guy's ear telling him all about Mac, how crazy - he must have wished he'd never offered to drive me home from our group at the Teapot (an over 55 club). That's how it is, I join different activities that stretch my body, or my mind and then there is no Mac to bounce the ideas or the thoughts that are there.
I would so love to hear what he would say about what's happening in the U.S. re the presidential candidates ( if one could say that Trump was a candidate?? unreal)..I have an mp3 received from an old friend who saved a tape of Mac speaking about elections in Jamaica, and in Australia..wonder what he'd say about this one...I could take a few good guesses... but they would never really hit the mark.
Strange even though he had Alzheimer's and was not - so called with it, I remember how with it at times he was, and of course my mind goes back to before those sad ending years to the conversations, travels etc we had throughout our marriage.
Just recently returned from a lovely vacation in Florida..which reminded me how we would walk along the beach, body surf in the waves, then Mac would read the latest news from the Florida papers, and discuss the news, and finally just lie on his towel, going so dark never ever getting a burn...we would say, we should stay here for a month, but by 8 days, he and I would be happy to return to our own place in the sun.
Well I am happy to be back in my own place, where I can feel even closer to my family, my cat Mischa...and my sweet memories of Mac so g'nite.
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