I wonder if there is such a thing as "good mourning", I've been kind of mourning off and on for 8 years - since we first got the diagnosis of Alzheimer Disease...and the past three weeks, it will be three weeks tomorrow I've been mourning, as that's when Mac died. This morning, I mourned and mourned and mourned, does one do that constantly..does the hollow feeling in my stomach never go away. When Mac was alive it went away as long as I was with him..now, never. It seems ridiculous to try and fill it with food, but that's what I've been doing..which is crazy as I've been told by the doc to lose 5 lbs. My tummy is too big for my short stature he says, well it's getting bigger, how come I can eat as I have a lump in my throat, but I seem to manage okay.
I've been advised to go to grief counseling, and I might, maybe when we get through the "celebration of Mac's life" actually how does one do that..I would say its a Memorial, as memories are what we are talking about and remembering does seem to help. Even the past eight actually when we think
back it really started earlier than that,but even those years had many "good memories" Mac's sense of humour really never left or his love of music. In fact, music is the charm for most people, sick or well.
Now I'm really kind of sick, and it's strange, but I'm just loving quiet, as when I hear any music, he is there, oh just a knock on the door our good Vedette one of Mac's preposees to make sure I know she is back, and then a phone call, my sweet friend Marilyn calling from Fla. How supportive are the many friends, I thank you all. It does help to know that many people loved Mac, or liked our love for each other.
Yesterday at church it was crowded - a first - because of confirmation of 5 people - 4 children around 12 years old and one man about 48. He has decided that the church and God are there for him, and also a christening. I looked at the little baby, and the man, they both at this point, I'm sure were, happy.
Well God and the church are there for me, not necessarily for Mac, I wonder, he did like to be in the church during his last two years ..especially when we could walk there, and back. How we would laugh when our little church bells would go clank, clank, clank, and then on would come the beautiful bells of St. Anne's (not sure of the name)..in any case what a good memory that is.
So is it a good mourning, well no, crying is not fun, does it help, I really don't know..do I still have this awful hollow feeling, yes..can I still chuckle through my tears, yes, so is it a good morning..yes, so have a good morning and I will try to have one too if I don't it will be a good moaning, and that seems to help. Oh and not to forget Mischa, our cat, I'll go and pet him, that helps as well. Good morning and good day.
Monday 30 March 2015
Sunday 22 March 2015
Sunday, March 22, 2015 Shall we dance..
So many pictures have been posted on face book, of Mac, myself and the fun we had with our family and grandchildren, and although it is great to see them, as they bring back so many good memories, I then kind of go in a tailspin down to the sad sad fact that he is gone. I have been blessed and therefore keep telling myself come on you have been married for 63 years - or in June it would be 63 years. Get over it, but it's impossible. I know it's normal to suffer and grieve his loss..I also know he would have been steadily getting worse, as with the big A. one only goes downhill, there is no getting better yet I still want him - how selfish is that.
We used to love to dance with all the grandchildren, Mac would dance around the room with the latest granbaby, I would dance along beside him singing Shall we Dance...adding cha cha cha...and all other grandchildren would trail along singing and dancing with us. What a time...and to think he continued to love to sway, tap his feet and try to dance and as I said in my past blogs, finally doing exactly that, then saying he was tired - lying down and just probably in his mind dancing away to wherever one goes when they die.
As I am getting so many lovely phone calls, cards and emails expressing condolences I thought I would just say thanks to all and put in this answer here to one of the many phone calls....
I look at Mac’s empty chair and wonder would I want to go through more days with the many ups and downs, well no. On the other hand do I wish he were here..absolutely, I feel so alone – even with so many kind people around me, and even today…will be going out for lunch with a good friend. It certainly is such a mixture of feelings and emotions more down than up, but it can’t be helped…everyone has to live through this and I am no exception. Do you remember many years ago when we talked (Margaret, you and I) up at our cottage on the lake. We talked about could we live without our husbands…what would we do. I don’t remember precisely what we said, but I do remember saying “I think it would be awful, like living without part of my own body ,or losing my right arm” Well how right I was, and it’s even harder than that, as I really feel a physical pain in my heart. I know when my mom died I felt that pain for a short time also, I remember telling Mac – I thought I was going to die of a heart attack. Obviously I didn’t, and I guess I will survive this too.
I have to have a discussion with the minister from the church I go to, (Anglican) Mac was a churchgoer for a time but left many years ago. I continued in the United Church in Chateauguay, but when I moved here had such great outreach and love from the Anglicans that, well..there I am. I brought Mac to church – in summer he sat out in the garden waiting for me, but had to come in when it got cold. We would sit in the very back row of the little old church and I think he really got so much love and attention from the small congregation, he actually came to like the Sunday mornings there. Now it has become a very special part of my life.
I like a quote from Blaise Pascal…”Belief is a wise wager. Granted that faith cannot be proved, what harm will come to you if you gamble on its truth and it proves false? If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation, that HE exists.” That is so true, and in my case I have gained already. So hope you are having the support you need at this time, and again loved to hear your voice, and look forward to hearing from you online. Will also give you a call sometime soon.
We used to love to dance with all the grandchildren, Mac would dance around the room with the latest granbaby, I would dance along beside him singing Shall we Dance...adding cha cha cha...and all other grandchildren would trail along singing and dancing with us. What a time...and to think he continued to love to sway, tap his feet and try to dance and as I said in my past blogs, finally doing exactly that, then saying he was tired - lying down and just probably in his mind dancing away to wherever one goes when they die.
As I am getting so many lovely phone calls, cards and emails expressing condolences I thought I would just say thanks to all and put in this answer here to one of the many phone calls....
I look at Mac’s empty chair and wonder would I want to go through more days with the many ups and downs, well no. On the other hand do I wish he were here..absolutely, I feel so alone – even with so many kind people around me, and even today…will be going out for lunch with a good friend. It certainly is such a mixture of feelings and emotions more down than up, but it can’t be helped…everyone has to live through this and I am no exception. Do you remember many years ago when we talked (Margaret, you and I) up at our cottage on the lake. We talked about could we live without our husbands…what would we do. I don’t remember precisely what we said, but I do remember saying “I think it would be awful, like living without part of my own body ,or losing my right arm” Well how right I was, and it’s even harder than that, as I really feel a physical pain in my heart. I know when my mom died I felt that pain for a short time also, I remember telling Mac – I thought I was going to die of a heart attack. Obviously I didn’t, and I guess I will survive this too.
I have to have a discussion with the minister from the church I go to, (Anglican) Mac was a churchgoer for a time but left many years ago. I continued in the United Church in Chateauguay, but when I moved here had such great outreach and love from the Anglicans that, well..there I am. I brought Mac to church – in summer he sat out in the garden waiting for me, but had to come in when it got cold. We would sit in the very back row of the little old church and I think he really got so much love and attention from the small congregation, he actually came to like the Sunday mornings there. Now it has become a very special part of my life.
I like a quote from Blaise Pascal…”Belief is a wise wager. Granted that faith cannot be proved, what harm will come to you if you gamble on its truth and it proves false? If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation, that HE exists.” That is so true, and in my case I have gained already. So hope you are having the support you need at this time, and again loved to hear your voice, and look forward to hearing from you online. Will also give you a call sometime soon.
Wednesday 18 March 2015
March 19, 2015...Memories - mine or Mac's
I have been thinking that now that my sweet, husband, Mac, my lover and best friend has died, maybe it's time to stop the blog, as I don't have his thoughts or actions, but while thinking this, and clearing up my desk - I found the following:-
Random Thoughts while gazing at the Ocean.... Florida January 23- Feb. 1, 2015
No one seems to think that life is absolutely random, or if they do they don't dwell on it
Do not talk about how there were so many shells or how the ocean used to be, eyes will glaze over, also don't talk about old friends who have died.
Keep all references to sadness at bay or refer to it as little as possible
Realize that everyone's life is precious and dwell on theirs.
Remember laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.(for sure)
Learning to be alone is not the hardest - learning to be alone without complaining or saying "why" that is the hardest.
Enjoy the moment ..This .is hard when each moment is painful - or full of sadness.
Challenging times call for patience and strength but what if one does not have these attributes - guess that's when one has to just shut their mouth and pray or meditate
When I'm outdoors and everything reminds me of super days in our past; somehow being in a residence with people in a similar place is almost a blessing
I'm now watching a guy here - it's very windy, with a beautiful sun..this guy has been body surfing now for more than 30 minutes. I'm tempted to get in the ocean, as the big rolling waves are unusual here in the gulf..maybe I'll just go in in my t. shirt and underpants, there's absolutely no one around and I don't have my bathing suit....oh the guy is coming out now. ....Well I spoke to him told him how much I enjoyed his enjoyment. Told me he is from New Jersey, where as a kid he used to go to the beach and body surf all summer/said he was reliving his youth- and does that every year now (for one month) either here or on the coast. As a joke I took his picture...he said he felt like a champion -i.e. when I took his picture.
Well that made my day, so now I'll go back to Tower 1 for dinner. Great Day.
It was a great day, but my random thoughts were not so cheerful, and they certainly could be how I am feeling these days too.
Nowadays, I'm trying to have my thoughts centered on our lives, must remember to either put it in my blog, or else just think about our past. Apparently it's the right thing to do as all the writings poems and thoughts that have come to me in so many cards and letters, say that..dwell on your beautiful memories...to find some peace. well I don't exactly feel peaceful, but I do like to remember our good times, although, can't bear to walk by our lovely lake and park yet. I guess the time will come, but it sure is not here yet. g'nite
Random Thoughts while gazing at the Ocean.... Florida January 23- Feb. 1, 2015
No one seems to think that life is absolutely random, or if they do they don't dwell on it
Do not talk about how there were so many shells or how the ocean used to be, eyes will glaze over, also don't talk about old friends who have died.
Keep all references to sadness at bay or refer to it as little as possible
Realize that everyone's life is precious and dwell on theirs.
Remember laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.(for sure)
Learning to be alone is not the hardest - learning to be alone without complaining or saying "why" that is the hardest.
Enjoy the moment ..This .is hard when each moment is painful - or full of sadness.
Challenging times call for patience and strength but what if one does not have these attributes - guess that's when one has to just shut their mouth and pray or meditate
When I'm outdoors and everything reminds me of super days in our past; somehow being in a residence with people in a similar place is almost a blessing
I'm now watching a guy here - it's very windy, with a beautiful sun..this guy has been body surfing now for more than 30 minutes. I'm tempted to get in the ocean, as the big rolling waves are unusual here in the gulf..maybe I'll just go in in my t. shirt and underpants, there's absolutely no one around and I don't have my bathing suit....oh the guy is coming out now. ....Well I spoke to him told him how much I enjoyed his enjoyment. Told me he is from New Jersey, where as a kid he used to go to the beach and body surf all summer/said he was reliving his youth- and does that every year now (for one month) either here or on the coast. As a joke I took his picture...he said he felt like a champion -i.e. when I took his picture.
Well that made my day, so now I'll go back to Tower 1 for dinner. Great Day.
It was a great day, but my random thoughts were not so cheerful, and they certainly could be how I am feeling these days too.
Nowadays, I'm trying to have my thoughts centered on our lives, must remember to either put it in my blog, or else just think about our past. Apparently it's the right thing to do as all the writings poems and thoughts that have come to me in so many cards and letters, say that..dwell on your beautiful memories...to find some peace. well I don't exactly feel peaceful, but I do like to remember our good times, although, can't bear to walk by our lovely lake and park yet. I guess the time will come, but it sure is not here yet. g'nite
Thursday 12 March 2015
Thursday, March 12, 2013 I see my brother John...
When talking to my friend Cecelia Monday night March 9,I was arranging for her to stay with Mac on Wednesday..while I was talking to her, Mac interrupted me, I asked her to hang on a minute while I spoke to him. I said, Mac, I'm on the phone, what is it. He answered: I see my brother John there, coming through the door, he has a number in his hand. I said o.k. we'll talk about that but right now I'm on the phone with Cecilia. So then I told Cecilia.(quietly)."you know Mac hallucinates he thinks he sees his brother John coming through the door, he's pointing to the window.
She said, is he pointing to the window near your computer, I answered yes, well said Cecilia, it does look like a big door there and he said the same thing to me when I was staying with him last week, he said "I see my brother John, coming for me." We both thought that was interesting, and then dropped the subject as we were making arrangements.
BUT....now we are wondering, John was eighteen years older than Mac, and was like a father to him, as Mac's dad died when he was only four. Although, John died many years ago, he always talked of him, and we kept a picture of Mac at eighteen months old sitting in his brother's arms, they are both on a big horse John at the time was about nineteen years old> Mac always loved that picture.
Mac was never a big believer of life after death, or in fact anything much to do with church or religion, (at least not since he was about forty or so..before that he was involved in church life, but got turned off.)..Now since Mac died on Tuesday, those comments about his brother John made by Mac on Monday night seem to have more of an impact..and it's especially interesting that both comments were made to two different people, myself and Cecelia...just before he died. Kind of making me wonder about life after death - or some kind of meeting of minds... that kind of thinking always left me kind of - well I wonder - hmmm what has that person been taking!! what prescription drugs has the doc ordered ..etc. Actually this is something Mac would never discuss, he did not even go near that subject. BUT, now I'm interested, would love to know that Mac will be there for ME.
I'm making arrangements with our family for a celebration of Mac's life,to take place on April 11, it was a life I'm so happy to have had a big part
in - We will be saying our goodbyes to Mac, and hmmm maybe saying hope to see you again one day, who knows where or when...but I'll be seeing him in my minds eye in all the old familiar places....g'nite.
She said, is he pointing to the window near your computer, I answered yes, well said Cecilia, it does look like a big door there and he said the same thing to me when I was staying with him last week, he said "I see my brother John, coming for me." We both thought that was interesting, and then dropped the subject as we were making arrangements.
BUT....now we are wondering, John was eighteen years older than Mac, and was like a father to him, as Mac's dad died when he was only four. Although, John died many years ago, he always talked of him, and we kept a picture of Mac at eighteen months old sitting in his brother's arms, they are both on a big horse John at the time was about nineteen years old> Mac always loved that picture.
Mac was never a big believer of life after death, or in fact anything much to do with church or religion, (at least not since he was about forty or so..before that he was involved in church life, but got turned off.)..Now since Mac died on Tuesday, those comments about his brother John made by Mac on Monday night seem to have more of an impact..and it's especially interesting that both comments were made to two different people, myself and Cecelia...just before he died. Kind of making me wonder about life after death - or some kind of meeting of minds... that kind of thinking always left me kind of - well I wonder - hmmm what has that person been taking!! what prescription drugs has the doc ordered ..etc. Actually this is something Mac would never discuss, he did not even go near that subject. BUT, now I'm interested, would love to know that Mac will be there for ME.
I'm making arrangements with our family for a celebration of Mac's life,to take place on April 11, it was a life I'm so happy to have had a big part
in - We will be saying our goodbyes to Mac, and hmmm maybe saying hope to see you again one day, who knows where or when...but I'll be seeing him in my minds eye in all the old familiar places....g'nite.
Tuesday 10 March 2015
March 10,2015...Dance me to the end of love...
Today at 7;15 a.m., the preposee was surprised to see Mac awake saying hi, to her and ready to be dressed, so as usual she put the radio on to give him some music to enjoy while she dressed him. Once he was dressed he sat on the side of the bed, kind of swayed to the music, had his feet going in time, then said I'm tired laid down, and peacefully left ...I didn't get to say goodbye...and at this moment this is how I feel...
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
w.Auden.
So g'nite..
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
w.Auden.
So g'nite..
Friday 6 March 2015
Friday, March 6, 2015 Now do we go home ...
Now do we go home. These words are a constant from Mac, especially at night and also from so many people with the big A. In different ways, the people with this sad illness, are always looking for their home. Tonight as I explained to him "this is our home"..he looked quite astonished "it is"? Well yes it is, I reply. In fact it's time to go to your bedroom, so let's go. And as we get organized and then take the elevator down to the second floor, it always amazes me that not one memory is there. It's always brand new, as he walks along with me to his room, though once he was sitting in his chair, he seemed to be quite at ease, I put the lamp on, and we sat for a bit as he had his nightly snack. Apple juice, 2 cookies, and yogurt.
"There, we were sitting quite contentedly tonight when a new lady on the floor, came in telling me (in French) to get out of her room. I came to her at the door saying, sorry, this is not your room - your room is over there - actually I hope that is what I was saying as I was trying to say this in French. Well before I knew it, she shoved me with one hand and hit me with her other hand. Wow, I reacted by pushing her as carefully as I could out of the door while she hung on to my shoulder (she is taller than I am and pretty strong)All the while she was swearing and yelling. The other new lady, from our floor (that we know), was saying in a sweet little voice, she should have a key.
The whole thing was quite bizarre..I then tried to lock our door, with the lady pushing in ... telling Mac to stay in his chair, he was not really taking all this in, he was really tired. The woman was still there trying to get in, I was nervous that she would manage and get to Mac. So I ran and saw one of the preposees in another room, she was just putting a woman in her bed. I tried to say, please come with me, we have a problem. "I don't speak English " Well I repeated, vien,vien, come ...she ignored me and continued picking up dirty clothes from the floor. So I left her and luckily ran into the night nurse just bringing Mac his pill..he quickly took in the situation. He took the woman by the hand; quietly explaining to her - I'm taking you to your room. She was protesting, still trying to get at me, but did go along with him, thank God.
I then realized how shaky I was as I was getting Mac all ready and into bed. Then along came that preposee, actually SHE was supposed to get Mac ready, and though she didn't say anything, she looked quite pleased that he was already in bed. She started to get Mac's room mate Walter ready, as another preposee came in to help her. This one said, the ladies were telling me that the new lady hit you (all this is in French ) I said, yes she did, but I came to get help from her, pointing to the preposee. I was afraid for my husband - so she said, I understand English, but do not speak English. I said, you didn't have to speak, I needed your help. Well she got all huffy, saying she could not leave stuff on the floor, and then I just had a bit of a melt down.
It really got to me, I felt that Mac and I were so kind of helpless, and vulnerable; when she knelt on the floor in front of me and said, "please excuse me - I'm sorry don't cry, and the male preposee, said, to me it won't happen again. The whole episode kind of went over Mac's head as he doesn't understand French at all now. This made me even more weepy. I try to overlook the problems we have as I know the preposees are overworked and underpaid; and English is not their first language, but this was really upsetting, and as I type this my back arms and legs are still stiff and sore from the fracas.
But that's an example of how much it means to these poor souls who want their home, their bed. They for sure, are even more to be pitied than I am, at least I know where my home, is. It always makes me so pleased to see how content Mac is when he is in bed, and I stay and see him go to sleep. This poor lady, although she did a number on me, I have to realize how terrible it is for her, where is her home, her family, and particularly her own room, she is really lost.
I on the other hand, am home, in my nice apartment, with my cat, and although I'm missing my sweet Mac, I will go to bed, and thank God he is o.k. and so am I. g'nite.
"There, we were sitting quite contentedly tonight when a new lady on the floor, came in telling me (in French) to get out of her room. I came to her at the door saying, sorry, this is not your room - your room is over there - actually I hope that is what I was saying as I was trying to say this in French. Well before I knew it, she shoved me with one hand and hit me with her other hand. Wow, I reacted by pushing her as carefully as I could out of the door while she hung on to my shoulder (she is taller than I am and pretty strong)All the while she was swearing and yelling. The other new lady, from our floor (that we know), was saying in a sweet little voice, she should have a key.
The whole thing was quite bizarre..I then tried to lock our door, with the lady pushing in ... telling Mac to stay in his chair, he was not really taking all this in, he was really tired. The woman was still there trying to get in, I was nervous that she would manage and get to Mac. So I ran and saw one of the preposees in another room, she was just putting a woman in her bed. I tried to say, please come with me, we have a problem. "I don't speak English " Well I repeated, vien,vien, come ...she ignored me and continued picking up dirty clothes from the floor. So I left her and luckily ran into the night nurse just bringing Mac his pill..he quickly took in the situation. He took the woman by the hand; quietly explaining to her - I'm taking you to your room. She was protesting, still trying to get at me, but did go along with him, thank God.
I then realized how shaky I was as I was getting Mac all ready and into bed. Then along came that preposee, actually SHE was supposed to get Mac ready, and though she didn't say anything, she looked quite pleased that he was already in bed. She started to get Mac's room mate Walter ready, as another preposee came in to help her. This one said, the ladies were telling me that the new lady hit you (all this is in French ) I said, yes she did, but I came to get help from her, pointing to the preposee. I was afraid for my husband - so she said, I understand English, but do not speak English. I said, you didn't have to speak, I needed your help. Well she got all huffy, saying she could not leave stuff on the floor, and then I just had a bit of a melt down.
It really got to me, I felt that Mac and I were so kind of helpless, and vulnerable; when she knelt on the floor in front of me and said, "please excuse me - I'm sorry don't cry, and the male preposee, said, to me it won't happen again. The whole episode kind of went over Mac's head as he doesn't understand French at all now. This made me even more weepy. I try to overlook the problems we have as I know the preposees are overworked and underpaid; and English is not their first language, but this was really upsetting, and as I type this my back arms and legs are still stiff and sore from the fracas.
But that's an example of how much it means to these poor souls who want their home, their bed. They for sure, are even more to be pitied than I am, at least I know where my home, is. It always makes me so pleased to see how content Mac is when he is in bed, and I stay and see him go to sleep. This poor lady, although she did a number on me, I have to realize how terrible it is for her, where is her home, her family, and particularly her own room, she is really lost.
I on the other hand, am home, in my nice apartment, with my cat, and although I'm missing my sweet Mac, I will go to bed, and thank God he is o.k. and so am I. g'nite.
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